Just turned 17 Yr old dd having sex

[PleaseAdviseMeHowToApproachThis]

Dd has a boyfriend for the past 5 months. He's a nice enough lad from what we know of him. We went out this evening & she had him round. He'd left by the time we got back at 11pm. There was a used condom floating in the toilet when I went into the bathroom. I have to admit my heart sank

She's only JUST turned 17 a week ago. She's still so young in my mind for sex & all that is brings. We're open enough & talk a lot but she's not mentioned this.

I'm really worried that she'll get pregnant. That's my biggest fear. I know it's natural but I need to get my head around it- do I say anything to her?

She's not on the pill. I think that's urgently the next step. He's her first boyfriend.

I'm having a glass of wine but....my baby 😢

I know I'm being silly so please don't pile on. I just wasn't expecting that tonight.

How would you/ did you handle this?

I don't understand why this would be a shock, she is 17 and been in a relationship for 5 months, it can hardly be a surprise?

She's not your baby, she's 17, be pleased she's being careful but obviously have a chat with her re flushing condoms and also ensure she is on other contraception like pps have said. There are better options than the pill now also.

Thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate it.
I think she does need to double up on contraception now & am happy to explore the options..the pill didn't agree with me so I'm not pushing that but I would be totally devastated for her if she got pregnant as she's bright & clever & has plans for her future.
I'm going to sleep on it & see how she is in the morning.

And she will always be my baby no matter how old she is, though I know what you're saying!

It's ok to sit with this for a day or so OP. It's easy for a bunch of strangers on the internet to say 'she's 17, what did you expect' but of course it's going to be a shock to move from a theoretical '17 year olds have sex' to 'MY 17 year old is having sex'.

You'll work it out.

I wasn't being unkind but if you see her as your baby still then it's harder to be rational about what is appropriate for her age. She is an adult in less than a year now.

Have you not spoken with her before about contraception and all associated matters to do with starting a sexual relationship? She’s 17 and been seeing a boyfriend for months….

Personally I would not go rushing in with a conversation about the condom. Why? Surely the conversations have happened / are happening. Just make sure communication with her remains open.

Let her tell you when she's ready?
Could be waiting a long time.
I never told my mum. Why would I?
I honestly don't see why you need to talk to her about it apart from not flushing the condom down the toilet.

She’s 17, they are being sensible and using protection.

Our children grow up, we can advise them and guide them but once they turn 16 they are officially classed as an adult and it’s legal to have sex. Obviously we want them to be safe and careful but hopefully the guidance we have shown them means they keep safe. Which she has shown they are being,

Oh and she'll always be my baby no matter how old she gets 😁but I know what you're saying..

Sorry Internet glitched & the baby comment posted twice

I hear you all & I know it's all normal & natural. I just wasn't expecting to find a condom in the toilet tonight.

I truly do appreciate all the comments. We have a good relationship & I know it will all be fine.

You dont understand? Really? Is it really that hard for you to put yourself in someone else shoes and empathise with how they feel?

A good friend of mine recently found out her 17 Yr old daughter was having sex. My friend is no prude and had thought her dd was having sex with her boyfriend of over a year BUT to have it confirmed really shook her. Thinking and knowing are 2 different things. She had a wobble and composed herself and had a grown up conversation with her dd.

OP ignore all the judgmental comments your bound to get. 17 is still very young regardless if it's legal or not. Your baby is growing up and it's OK to have a wobble and need a minute to re-adjust. Discuss contraception and STI's with your dd and let her know your there if she ever needs you.

What your feeling is totally natural.

I lost my Virginity at 17. Used condoms and went on the pill. I think this is a healthy age and she has a bf...unless he is much older?

I'd be most upset about a floating used condom in my loo. 🤣

Good idea to have condoms available in the bathroom or wherever that they are allowed to use. Great she's being careful in that respect.

My mum kept the Johnny's stocked in our family bathroom drawer once we were mid-late teens. No questions at all & no judgment, Just available to us if we wanted. I think it was a good parenting move.

I think 17 is a pretty good age these days to be having sex (assuming she's just started). I lost my virginity at 16/17.

Tbh I'd be more concerned about the thought process behind trying to flush a used condom down the loo.

Thank you @InBedBy10 you have articulated how I feel very well.
A week ago she was 16. I get that 16 is the legal age of consent but so much depends on the emotional maturity of the 16 year old.
I was raised in a Catholic environment though I'm atheist & have been since my teens. Teen sex was very much frowned upon in my world. I lost my virginity at 19 to a very long term boyfriend & I have had many partners over the years.
I'm not prudish & I have to admit that I was surprised by my own immediate reaction this evening..
I will be supportive & open as I always am.
I'm v grateful to have had this forum to release the initial surprise earlier.

I can understand wanting your DCs to wait longer but no I cannot see how it's possible to be shocked that a 17 yo in a 5 month relationship is having sex.

No one wants to think of their DCs having sex but surely every knows if they are around 16-18 in a relationship for several months it's inevitable whether we like it or not.

Your daughter will appreciate you being open and supportive and hopefully will be happy to discuss any issues with you at any point. Better to vent on here than to her!

They need to stop flushing condoms, they go in the bin

If she is living with you then you should have the pregnancy talk as you may end up living with her, him and a baby

But she is legal so no you can't force anything and up to her what contraception

Sorry that you’re upset but as others have said, it’s good that she’s with someone she trusts and is using protection.
I know it will be hard but you need to have a grown up conversation with her - as that’s what she is!
Good luck op.

Op I went through this a few months ago , I was sick to my stomach I'll be honest.

Said all the right things, super supportive , no judging etc etc of course but inside I was cringing.

Have all these judgy posters actually got a real life sexually active 16/17 year old daughter ? It's a lot to get your head around when it actually happens. She will always be your baby and it's not a nice thought. I'm still not great with the idea. My DD just still seems like a child to me.

I actually disagree about bringing it up. That is her private life, which she is entitled to at this age. I 100% wouldn’t be using the floating condom as the icebreaker as that’s pretty embarrassing, and quite frankly probably wasn’t her that left it in the loo. Obviously if it becomes a repeat offence then yes you will have to mention it because it’s not how they should be disposed of.
Looks like they are already taking measures to avoid pregnancy so again, I don’t think any need for involvement. At 17 she will be more than aware of the options available to her, and you come across as an approachable parent should she need help with this so just leave it and wait her to come to you (if she wants to).

I would just have the conversation with her regarding flushing condoms tbh. At 17 taking the pill or choosing not to is her business. I was encouraged onto the pill when I was a teenager and it caused me all manner of issues; I would never take another hormonal contraception again.

Also I appreciate that it's been a shock but 17 isn't young. I was 17 and considered a late bloomer, as a lot of my friends started at 14 - the youngest in our year group was 13!

I’m sorry OP, she is not a baby. What do you expect a 17 year old to do who has been in a relationship for 5 months? Her hormones will be bubbling.

I came from a loving home and started having sex around my 15th birthday, can’t remember if l was 14 or 15 back then, l insisted boyfriends used condoms; I’m in my 40s now, it did not scar me for life. Mum was annoyed when she first found out l was having sex, not that l was sexually active but that l hadn’t told her. And the first thing she did was check on the condom situation.

So, she has a stable relationship, positive tick. She is using condoms, positive tick. She is having sex at home, where it’s safe, positive tick.

Flushing condoms is a no-no for a number of reasons, hormonal contraception has a downside though. It sounds as if she will be just fine

My Mum ignored me with boys. I asked her at 18 to go on pill and Mum ignored it. But was upset when I went to the doctors without her to get the pill. She wasn't ready, but I was. And that ruined our relationship for a long time because I was growing up and she couldn't get on board and talk to me