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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop TTC because DH won't get genetic tests done?

102 replies

ttcstop · 07/01/2023 19:29

Fertility journey is now into its fourth year and we have had tests done prior to now but continue to have miscarriages.

I've had operations to clear up endo and other issues but since had further miscarriage.

GP has now advised Karyotyping test which is usually expensive but we qualify for free and then I'll tell us if any genetic disorders exist. I'm also supposed to go for womb lining tests this month but I may cancel it because I had my genetic testing but DH is making out going for his a huge huge deal.

All he has to do is drive 45 minutes to the hospital for a blood test and he keeps insisting because he has googled these tests and there's such a low probability of it being the issue he doesn't see the point.

It's making me want to just stop this whole process out of principle. Why can't he just get the test despite it being highly likely to be anything why should I have to conjure my tests and then potentially go through IVF without him first ruling out every possible thing.

Is it extreme to stop TTC? But then what happens then I just cannot figure out what to do for the best really getting me down.

NC don't want links to other posts

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 07/01/2023 19:38

You stop if that's what you want ..he will get the test if that's what he wants.

Dont cut your nose off to spite your face and threaten to do something just because you cant control him.

Mumma · 07/01/2023 19:39

'All he has to do' seems a tad unfair. You dont know the mental impact of that to him. Unfortunately alot of men cannot cope with the idea that they are the issue.
Ttc is a horrible battlefield and I wish you all the luck in the world but your husband has to be OK with any action taken too xx

JudgeRudy · 07/01/2023 19:40

I think YABU to disregard your husband's feelings. The tests may be a practical inconvenience eg more time off work, but there's also the psychological aspect to consider. I'd expectvyoud be offered some sort of 'chat ' with a counsellor to ensure you both appreciate the impact any results can have.
Personally I think he'd be better to take up this offer however I think you'd be wrong to force him through emotional manipulation.
Let's say he has a 'condition' that's preventing you from having a healthy child with him...then what? What if you find out its unlikely youll ever conceive? Mayby talkig about yourvown fears and how you'd handle it might help. The risks of a 'bad' result are low but it's unfair to force this on him.
Of course your frustration could turn to anger or resentment in which case the relationship is doomed. You cannot control another person's behaviour, just thecway you respond to it. Good luck

RunningFromInsanity · 07/01/2023 19:45

I think it’s selfish for him to allow you to go through invasive tests, surgeries, miscarriages and potentially IVF and he won’t even consider getting one blood test as it hurts his fragile masculinity.

SlagathaChristie · 07/01/2023 19:46

I think after OP experiencing multiple miscarriages, the "mental impact" of a blood test shouldn't be enough to stop the dh. I'd be livid if my DH refused to get a simple test done, even if it meant more miscarriages. I know he will be impacted by the miscarriages too, but by their nature, they affect the woman the most. I don't think he's thinking it through. Sorry for your losses op, I hope you get good results soon, whatever happens x

AndyWarholsPiehole · 07/01/2023 19:50

Does he want a baby/ still want a baby with you?

pizzawinecake · 07/01/2023 19:51

YANBU.

A baby is 50% the male partners dna. My experience to date is that it's much easier to presume it's the woman's issue.

As someone that has done ivf after miscarriages (it was male factor in the end) I'd be furious if I'd been through all that stress- mentally, physically and emotionally if it could have been avoided because we'd found the issue and could 'fix' it. I think it's fair you BOTH do all tests you can before YOU are subjected to the IVF process

PinkButtercups · 07/01/2023 19:53

RunningFromInsanity · 07/01/2023 19:45

I think it’s selfish for him to allow you to go through invasive tests, surgeries, miscarriages and potentially IVF and he won’t even consider getting one blood test as it hurts his fragile masculinity.

I agree.

DuplicateUserName · 07/01/2023 19:53

It's entirely up to you.

But just make sure it's not an empty threat and he calls your bluff.

Couchpotato3 · 07/01/2023 19:54

Do you really want to carry on TTC with this man? He isn't willing to undergo one test, but wants you to carry on with all the invasive testing and potential further miscarriages. How is his attitude in other areas of your life?

AFineBalance · 07/01/2023 19:55

Does the testing impact him directly - could he find out something about his own health?

BatshitBanshee · 07/01/2023 19:56

RunningFromInsanity · 07/01/2023 19:45

I think it’s selfish for him to allow you to go through invasive tests, surgeries, miscarriages and potentially IVF and he won’t even consider getting one blood test as it hurts his fragile masculinity.

This. Every word of this. He's quite happy for you to go through everything but he won't take a fucking blood test. I'd stop TTC, cut my losses and leave.

Original poster
ttcstop · 07/01/2023 19:59

AndyWarholsPiehole · 07/01/2023 19:50

Does he want a baby/ still want a baby with you?

He insists he does - and is an honest person generally usually tells the truth even if it hurts my feelings so I believe him. But actions speak louder than words so this is why I'm confused.

He has also said since the miscarriages he can get used to the idea of not having kids so I think he is getting put off it to an extent because of the process.

But I need to know what to do and where I stand

OP posts:
JuneWind · 07/01/2023 20:01

Ah I'm so sorry, this must be incredibly difficult. My natural reaction would be anger and resentment at DH in these circumstances, especially considering all that your body has been through.

However, thinking about it a little more, perhaps he is incredibly nervous and would feel guilty or less of a man or something along those lines if the tests showed something (absolutely not that he should by the way, just that he might).

Have you talked about it? Is he possibly wanting to bury his head in the sand and not want to be the cause of your heartache?

But, if you have talked it through and it really is just because he can’t be arsed then yes he’s a twat if he can’t appreciate what you’ve been through. In that case I’d lose a whole lot of respect for him and I’m not sure I’d want him to be the father of my children.

Wishing you all the best either way.

Original poster
ttcstop · 07/01/2023 20:02

@Notimeforaname I think you're missing the point. Have a child is 50/50 effort so no it isn't he does him and I do me because what happens when a baby arrives if that ever happens? We can't just both do our own thing in regards to the child so this is no different IMO

OP posts:
Starseeking · 07/01/2023 20:03

It sounds like he is afraid of what the tests may reveal about his side, and he doesn't want to know/is scared to find out.

You need to sit him down and reiterate all the tests you have done and are continuing to do. Unless he is a medical person qualified to conclude on the test, he can't know there's no point, so if you both want to continue with the treatment, he will need to engage.

If he says no, you'll have your answer as to whether you should continue to try to have DC with him. Staying in a relationship with him would be a different dilemma following...

Original poster
ttcstop · 07/01/2023 20:03

@Mumma I've already been told it's likely me with the issue but then I had corrective surgery and still having problems so we are kinda back to square one so he really needs to grow up then as how come I can be the issue and handle it?

Also after his sperm test he was very insensitive making jokes saying know it wasn't me with the problem etc so now he's shy about it? I don't think so

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 07/01/2023 20:04

YANBU. I take it for other comments they haven’t been through ivf, the rounds of tests the operations you have had, and he just needs to take a blood test, never mind miscarriages

Ok it may only be a small percentage, but it could be the answer

I think he is being extremely unsupportive and unfair

tbh I would stop it’s taking a toll on you and your body, yet he won’t have a simple blood test

Notimeforaname · 07/01/2023 20:04

We can't just both do our own thing in regards to the child so this is no different IMO
No thats not what I said. I said you both have the right to do as you wish.

BatshitBanshee · 07/01/2023 20:04

ttcstop · 07/01/2023 20:02

@Notimeforaname I think you're missing the point. Have a child is 50/50 effort so no it isn't he does him and I do me because what happens when a baby arrives if that ever happens? We can't just both do our own thing in regards to the child so this is no different IMO

Then let his behaviour now show you exactly what he'll be like when baby comes along. This is "women's work" as far as he is concerned - sounds like. Do you really want to be standing shit deep in nappies, feeds, housework and cooking while he swans in and out wondering why you didn't take the first red flag and fucking run.

Krakenes · 07/01/2023 20:06

Honestly I think it sounds like he’s checked out of TTC. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable by stopping, I’ve had lots of miscarriages and my husband was such a rock and did everything he could to help including these tests. Are you sure you want to ttc with him? Obviously he can opt out of the tests and it’s his right to, but it doesn’t sound like someone who wants a baby and will do everything he can to stop his wife going through another painful trauma to their body and mental state.

Original poster
ttcstop · 07/01/2023 20:07

@JuneWind thank you yes we have talked it through and I'm ashamed to say I got very angry during the conversation - he said he doesn't want the test because he has googled it and the probability of this being the issue is so low he doesn't see the point. I genuinely think he means this.

Now I appreciate he may be thinking well there's nothing generic in his family he's aware of but why would they offer us the test if it's not (even if a very small one) a possibility?

What really pisses me off is that they usually cost £609 and I've managed to acquire for free and still he won't go. I've asked him now over five times sent him email reminders and still...nothing.

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 07/01/2023 20:07

ttcstop · 07/01/2023 20:02

@Notimeforaname I think you're missing the point. Have a child is 50/50 effort so no it isn't he does him and I do me because what happens when a baby arrives if that ever happens? We can't just both do our own thing in regards to the child so this is no different IMO

You're totally right. This doesn't sound like a man who's prepared to take his share of responsibility for the shitwork that comes with having children.

Nimbostratus100 · 07/01/2023 20:07

Genetic testing is HHHUUUUUGGGGGEEEEE

the results can impact on every single thing, every day for the rest of your life, and on every member of your family too

Proceed with EXTREME caution

I think he is wise not to go ahead.

Craghopper1 · 07/01/2023 20:08

Your husband is being extremely selfish. Whether you want to actually have a child with such a selfish man is up to you. I wish you luck.