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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop TTC because DH won't get genetic tests done?

102 replies

ttcstop · 07/01/2023 19:29

Fertility journey is now into its fourth year and we have had tests done prior to now but continue to have miscarriages.

I've had operations to clear up endo and other issues but since had further miscarriage.

GP has now advised Karyotyping test which is usually expensive but we qualify for free and then I'll tell us if any genetic disorders exist. I'm also supposed to go for womb lining tests this month but I may cancel it because I had my genetic testing but DH is making out going for his a huge huge deal.

All he has to do is drive 45 minutes to the hospital for a blood test and he keeps insisting because he has googled these tests and there's such a low probability of it being the issue he doesn't see the point.

It's making me want to just stop this whole process out of principle. Why can't he just get the test despite it being highly likely to be anything why should I have to conjure my tests and then potentially go through IVF without him first ruling out every possible thing.

Is it extreme to stop TTC? But then what happens then I just cannot figure out what to do for the best really getting me down.

NC don't want links to other posts

OP posts:
Original poster
ttcstop · 07/01/2023 20:08

@Nimbostratus100 sorry I'm not sure what you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
ttcstop · 07/01/2023 20:10

He also never attends any of the appointments with me - nothing.

Made him sit through the last appointment and he left didn't have anything to discuss nothing. Never talks about it or appears to want to, says I'm letting it consume me when I rarely talk about it but when I do it's shut down.

I just can't deal with this anymore.

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 07/01/2023 20:11

FFS> I was diagnosed with PCOS aged 19. I had the main classic symptom - irregular periods. When DH and I went to try and conceive, they still made us do all the tests. Your DH is being completely Unreasonable. He might well be right that the chances are low that this is the problem but I guarantee that you have had 100 tests that are low chance but that they do to rule out other issues and his refusal to drive for 45 minutes for a blood test is frankly shocking.

ittakes2 · 07/01/2023 20:12

I would be raising the issue of using donor sperm as another option - if you can't find any reason why this is happening than it is worth trying a different sperm.
See how fast he jumps in the car then.
But seriously - have you had immune testing? Some times a woman's body registers the baby as a threat and creates an immune response and some woman have success with damping their immune systems to give the baby chance to develop their placenta etc.

Original poster
ttcstop · 07/01/2023 20:12

@Krakenes completely agree but then I also have to think about what happens then?

I'm not that desperate for a child to the point where I want to lose him - I'm ambivalent about the child to be honest after all this crap.

It leaves me in a very confused state that I haven't thought as far about

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 07/01/2023 20:12

also never attends any of the appointments with me - nothing.

Made him sit through the last appointment and he left didn't have anything to discuss nothing. Never talks about it or appears to want to, says I'm letting it consume me when I rarely talk about it but when I do it's shut down.

I just can't deal with this anymore

It doesn't make sense to have a baby with this man so yes, I would stop trying. He won't be of any use.

Tandora · 07/01/2023 20:13

RunningFromInsanity · 07/01/2023 19:45

I think it’s selfish for him to allow you to go through invasive tests, surgeries, miscarriages and potentially IVF and he won’t even consider getting one blood test as it hurts his fragile masculinity.

100% this . But as ever everyone is telling OP YABU, and her poor DP 🙄😡

BatshitBanshee · 07/01/2023 20:13

ttcstop · 07/01/2023 20:07

@JuneWind thank you yes we have talked it through and I'm ashamed to say I got very angry during the conversation - he said he doesn't want the test because he has googled it and the probability of this being the issue is so low he doesn't see the point. I genuinely think he means this.

Now I appreciate he may be thinking well there's nothing generic in his family he's aware of but why would they offer us the test if it's not (even if a very small one) a possibility?

What really pisses me off is that they usually cost £609 and I've managed to acquire for free and still he won't go. I've asked him now over five times sent him email reminders and still...nothing.

If your husband cannot see that part of taking this test is to be supportive to you and some solidarity in what you have been through, regardless of low probability, then I think it's a goner. Also this language of the problem isn't him or the problem is me is just so damaging - this is something both of you have to be united in, "the problem is X so we did Y and then I did Z test but DW had to do whatever else."

The bar for men during fertility struggles is on the floor already but your H has managed to slither under it.

Original poster
ttcstop · 07/01/2023 20:15

@ittakes2 😂😂😂 your pet made me chuckle! Thank you.

Those other tests you mentioned is that NKCells? If so that the next tests im supposed to do but im considering halting because of this post

If you're talking about something else can you give me the technical medical name for them as so many tests have been suggested I lose track.

DH initially did the sperm test btw but that was two years ago now and the only test he has to endure

OP posts:
jacketchips · 07/01/2023 20:18

RunningFromInsanity · 07/01/2023 19:45

I think it’s selfish for him to allow you to go through invasive tests, surgeries, miscarriages and potentially IVF and he won’t even consider getting one blood test as it hurts his fragile masculinity.

This. Why should you carry the burden. He should get the test.

Herejustforthisone · 07/01/2023 20:30

He’s obviously shit scared it’s his ‘fault’. But I would seriously struggle to forgive someone for allowing me to go through all of that, all of those procedures, all of those miscarriages and for refusing to have a single blood test.

mistlethrush · 07/01/2023 20:37

Just to give you a bit of comfort - DS kept us waiting 6 years - including almost 24 months where I was having chemo and then banned from conceiving for a year.

I wonder whether you might say to your DH something along the lines of 'OK, I know that this is shit for both of us - however, if you don't have this test, I'm going to give up - and I will, in the back of my mind, blame you for the lack of children in our relationship. I'm not prepared to go on having very invasive tests if you're not prepared to have a basic blood test in order to help progress things. ' What do you think he would respond to this?

(BTW my DH didn't come to a lot of the tests I had done - but was there every step of the way I needed him there for)

RedRobyn2021 · 07/01/2023 20:41

@RunningFromInsanity

I agree with you

Swissmountains · 07/01/2023 21:00

I would view this as a lack of commitment/ investment. You are making huge sacrifices to make this happen.

I suspect he has got used to / likes the idea of a Child free existence. He hasn’t got the courage to tell you.

The tests are very important- should be very very important to him.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 07/01/2023 21:05

@ttcstop I think you need to have a full and frank conversion with him. Tell him your disappointment that despite all the tests you've undergone he won't do this one blood test. That if the infertility continues and is unexplained that even though the chance is low, you'll always wonder if you were in the low percent and it will lead to resentment from you when all it required was that blood test.

That you're saddened by his lack of involvement. That he doesn't come to appointments or do tests on his side making you feel like he doesn't even want a baby and to tell you now if thats the case so you can assess if you want to continue in the marriage. That his lack of involvement makes you feel deceived because you thought you wanted this together.

The blood test may not matter to him but it matters greatly to you and he needs to understand that.

pinkpotatoez · 07/01/2023 21:10

ttcstop · 07/01/2023 20:10

He also never attends any of the appointments with me - nothing.

Made him sit through the last appointment and he left didn't have anything to discuss nothing. Never talks about it or appears to want to, says I'm letting it consume me when I rarely talk about it but when I do it's shut down.

I just can't deal with this anymore.

Honestly, it sounds like his heart isn't fully in it. I think he probably does want a child with you but only if it can all be straight forward. Because it isn't straight forward he seems to have checked out, id say you expect him to do the test if he wants this as bad you do. To me, if you want a child you will do anything it takes, if he doesn't agree then stop TTC and think about your future together.

Nimbostratus100 · 07/01/2023 21:13

I dont think many people on here understand the full implications of genetic testing. It is not something you can ever expect anyone else to do. It is an individual choice and you too to understand the full implications before you start. There wil normally be several appointments. And the repercussions can be life changing, for the whole family. It isn't a case of o, just pop along for a blood test.....

I had genetic testing and found out things I wish I didn't know, and I can't ever unknow, and have impacts on many areas of life

YOu are hugely minimising what is being expected of this man. Personally, I would strongly advise against

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2023 21:20

Nimbostratus100 · 07/01/2023 21:13

I dont think many people on here understand the full implications of genetic testing. It is not something you can ever expect anyone else to do. It is an individual choice and you too to understand the full implications before you start. There wil normally be several appointments. And the repercussions can be life changing, for the whole family. It isn't a case of o, just pop along for a blood test.....

I had genetic testing and found out things I wish I didn't know, and I can't ever unknow, and have impacts on many areas of life

YOu are hugely minimising what is being expected of this man. Personally, I would strongly advise against

But if that's the case (and I'm sorry it's been so distressing for you) what would be the impact of continuing ttc with these issues there but unknown?

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 07/01/2023 21:25

We had fertility treatment to eventually have our daughter. I went through blood tests, sonographs, internal exams (ouch) and an operation under a general anesthetic (more ouch). My dh had blood tests and another test involving... well, you know.
He should be glad it's only a short drive and a blood test. He's being a dick.

legendyna · 07/01/2023 21:29

Either:

It's a low risk of abnormality as you already said?) so there's no reason to be worried

OR

It's a high risk (hence the worry) in which case he should definitely fucking do a test

Ponoka7 · 07/01/2023 21:30

"He has also said since the miscarriages he can get used to the idea of not having kids"

I don't think that he felt them as major loses. I've known men to walk out weeks after having an IVF baby. I'd be rethinking the baby if you want your relationship to last.

Florissant · 07/01/2023 21:30

His words don't match his actions.

lamaze1 · 07/01/2023 21:30

Op I've been in a similar boat save that my husband was willing to do any test asked of him. Like you, we qualified for karryotyping. We both leapt at the chance to rule out any potential genetic problems. My husband, like me, didn't want me to have any more miscarriages if they could be avoided.

The fact he isn't attending appointments and doesn't sound generally supportive would really give me pause for thought.

Yes the genetic tests could reveal something, but if that we're the case then you'll likely want to know rather than be faced with potentially having to have a late termination at 23 weeks (I know people that have had to do this). If the results do throw something up genetic counselling is available.

Hellno44 · 07/01/2023 21:34

I have had lots of fertility treatment. I spent £40 k and 7 years trying to have a baby. It is very very invasive and traumatic. The men do very little during the treatment. The least he can do is a poxy genetic test and sperms text. I'd question his commitment to having a baby.

BertieBotts · 07/01/2023 21:35

DH has a translocation so we have been through this. Luckily he already knew he had it but we didn't have any proof so needed to do the testing again.

It's fairly common as causes of multiple miscarriage go. And it doesn't affect anything else. With a translocation all the genes are present and correct they're just mixed up. The problem is if you pass on one of the mixed up parts without its other part or a bit extra or vice versa.

TBH I didn't know about genetic testing having huge life changing consequences. This wasn't explained to us, so it wasn't something that worried me before we were tested. We both had the test even though we knew from family history it was his side.

I don't think you'll get anywhere unless you can get him to open up about why this is hard for him.