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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop TTC because DH won't get genetic tests done?

102 replies

ttcstop · 07/01/2023 19:29

Fertility journey is now into its fourth year and we have had tests done prior to now but continue to have miscarriages.

I've had operations to clear up endo and other issues but since had further miscarriage.

GP has now advised Karyotyping test which is usually expensive but we qualify for free and then I'll tell us if any genetic disorders exist. I'm also supposed to go for womb lining tests this month but I may cancel it because I had my genetic testing but DH is making out going for his a huge huge deal.

All he has to do is drive 45 minutes to the hospital for a blood test and he keeps insisting because he has googled these tests and there's such a low probability of it being the issue he doesn't see the point.

It's making me want to just stop this whole process out of principle. Why can't he just get the test despite it being highly likely to be anything why should I have to conjure my tests and then potentially go through IVF without him first ruling out every possible thing.

Is it extreme to stop TTC? But then what happens then I just cannot figure out what to do for the best really getting me down.

NC don't want links to other posts

OP posts:
Surely2023IsTheYearForMyRainbowBaby · 08/01/2023 12:59

He sounds just like my exH only we didn't get any testing done to see if I'd need IVF to fall Pregnant (PCOS) the reason. He wouldn't do a sperm sample. Said it was degrading having to do something like that. Also had mummy and daddy back him up saying there was no way there would be an issue with him cos they had 2 kids and his sister and her partner had a child. Also had another one years later with a new partner. Said IVF was ridiculous and that a woman was designed to fall pregnant naturally. Yet were willing to support ex SIL cos she thought she was infertile cos it had taken her 6 months to fall pregnant after a miscarriage. In hind sight I should've walked away the day he refused to do the test but I didn't I stupidly got married and wasted 18 years of my life hoping I'd miraculously fall pregnant. I never did. However we are now divorced and I did fall Pregnant with my now OH but went on to miscarry each time.

RealBecca · 08/01/2023 13:03

The problem is, you're on a clock and he isnt. He can always pick this up with another partner 20 years down the line. Sorry to be mean but I mention it because you mention the path of least resistance.

I dont think he is that invested and I think you need to make your decisions based on that.

I'm on your page though, he cant be arsed to do a free test (that you as a couple wouldnt qualify for unless it was going to be important for ruling in or out for the treatment plan for you as a couple) and he just cant be arsed. Do you think if you have a baby with him that you'll be pushing him uphill for the rest of your life? Asking him to change the nappy, asking him to take time off, asking him to do nights? Is he generally motivated or are you saddling yourself with a lump that needs to be told to do everything and may just not bother and leave you stuck doing everything? In which case maybe consider solo?

Soothsayer1 · 08/01/2023 13:08

He can always pick this up with another partner 20 years down the line
In theory yes, but good luck getting a young fertile woman to waste her young healthy eggs on low-grade old man's sperm

BetaBlockerBlues · 08/01/2023 13:09

Genetic testing is a big deal, and for some people it's a very big deal. There are huge psychological/emotional dimensions to discovering a genetic abnormality and a whole world of ethical ramifications. Even if people don't necessarily know to put it in those terms, instinctively a lot of us shy away from getting tested when the need/opportunity arises. The fact that others of us think it's no big deal doesn't, and arguably shouldn't, change that. You need to talk this through carefully and at length, not issue ultimatums.

Herejustforthisone · 08/01/2023 13:16

BetaBlockerBlues · 08/01/2023 13:09

Genetic testing is a big deal, and for some people it's a very big deal. There are huge psychological/emotional dimensions to discovering a genetic abnormality and a whole world of ethical ramifications. Even if people don't necessarily know to put it in those terms, instinctively a lot of us shy away from getting tested when the need/opportunity arises. The fact that others of us think it's no big deal doesn't, and arguably shouldn't, change that. You need to talk this through carefully and at length, not issue ultimatums.

Jesus, have you even read the OP’s posts?

knittingaddict · 08/01/2023 13:24

I can understand why he might be resistant to health testing.

I've had my Ancestry DNA results and it was fascinating, but I would never have the health testing done. I prefer blissful ignorance, maybe because there's a high probability of dementia. I don't suppose I'm alone in this.

titchy · 08/01/2023 13:27

How do you feel about donor sperm? If he did have the tests and they revealed an issue then that would presumably be the next port of call, so can you consider that now?

Though I'd suspect your dh wouldn't hang around if you went down that route, so I guess the question is do you try that as a single parent, or forget ttc completely, and live with the fact that your dh effectively made that decision for you.

BetaBlockerBlues · 08/01/2023 13:38

Herejustforthisone · 08/01/2023 13:16

Jesus, have you even read the OP’s posts?

Show quote history

Of course. No need to be rude.

OP says her DH is "making it out to be a huge deal". Well, for some people it is. Pretending otherwise doesn't change that and certainly won't get her what she wants.

silverclock222 · 08/01/2023 13:43

It's making me want to just stop this whole process out of principle. You lost me at that point. Not sure either of you should be attempting to bring a child into this world tbh.

SaintLoy · 08/01/2023 13:51

Maybe he's realising that a baby is your be-all and end-all and he doesn't like what he now sees? You 'got very angry during the conversation' for example.

ICanHideButICantRun · 08/01/2023 13:57

ttcstop · 07/01/2023 20:10

He also never attends any of the appointments with me - nothing.

Made him sit through the last appointment and he left didn't have anything to discuss nothing. Never talks about it or appears to want to, says I'm letting it consume me when I rarely talk about it but when I do it's shut down.

I just can't deal with this anymore.

That's outrageous. On that basis I wouldn't be interested in having children with him. His refusal to take a simple blood test would be the cherry on the cake.

AnuSTart · 08/01/2023 13:57

RunningFromInsanity · 07/01/2023 19:45

I think it’s selfish for him to allow you to go through invasive tests, surgeries, miscarriages and potentially IVF and he won’t even consider getting one blood test as it hurts his fragile masculinity.

This in spades!

Herejustforthisone · 08/01/2023 14:00

BetaBlockerBlues · 08/01/2023 13:38

Of course. No need to be rude.

OP says her DH is "making it out to be a huge deal". Well, for some people it is. Pretending otherwise doesn't change that and certainly won't get her what she wants.

Show quote history

It’s not rude. You seem to have missed that his failure to do the blood test is largely moot.

Original poster
ttcstop · 08/01/2023 14:11

Pleas - will posters understand this is not the type of guy to be worried about the outcome of the test.

He is being genuine when he says the reason he isn't getting it is because he thinks it's a waste of time - he thinks the problem is solely with me and even if not the probability of genes being the issue he thinks is too low to follow through with the test.

He is probably right but I still don't see why we wouldn't rule this out before moving forward.

He isn't interested in having children anymore is my thought. My honest thought is he thinks the idea is no longer that appealing, too complicated and therefore he will just continue and if we break up in future years doesn't matter as another poster suggested he can still pick up where he left off.

That is why I believe he is losing interest in the process

OP posts:
Original poster
ttcstop · 08/01/2023 14:11

And the last part about is breaking up - I don't think that's his intention at all I think he wants to stay with me. But imagine male fertility was on a timer like womens im not sure he would be as laid back about it all this is what I me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ttcstop · 08/01/2023 14:11

Mean*

OP posts:
jackstini · 08/01/2023 14:13

I think you need to talk about how it is affecting you

Am I right in thinking that although for him it's 'not worth it' as unlikely, for you it is at least another box to tick, something else you have a free opportunity to rule it out and mentally you feel you need to do that?

It's a horrible journey, sorry it is causing you so much stress Flowers

FurryDandelionSeekingMissile · 08/01/2023 14:13

He is being genuine when he says the reason he isn't getting it is because he thinks it's a waste of time

Are you sure? Everyone knows the NHS is very careful about not funding futile tests and treatments.

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 08/01/2023 14:14

We had the karotyping tests done at the recurrent miscarriage clinic - they just told us there were no problems, there was no big break down about our own genetic make up, the test isn't done for that reason. Obviously they tell you if there's something that would affect a pregnancy, but they're not doing it to find out your risk of dementia etc.
For us, it was only the NKC tests (and subsequent treatment) that led to a positive outcome.
I'm assuming the OP doesn't want to cut her losses and yet again with someone else. If so I think she'll find more happiness from firing on and getting the baby she wants, than by giving her dh time to get his head together.

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 08/01/2023 14:16

And something is not "pointless" if it would bring reassurance and hope to the woman you're supposed to love.

JFDIYOLO · 08/01/2023 14:31

He doesn't seem to want a child with you. You went through SO much.
He won't attend appointments, discuss the situation or do the bare minimum now in order to create a child.
Realistically - How would he react and step up if you have a baby?
He's giving you a clear preview now of what your life would be like.
Believe him.

Dahlietta · 08/01/2023 15:39

It seems pretty obvious that he just isn't that fussed about having a baby. It is also looking quite obvious that he's an arse, but the two issues are separate, I think.

MeinKraft · 08/01/2023 16:16

OrdinaryAva · 08/01/2023 12:41

I’ve never understood why people put themselves through this. Your H doesn’t seem that keen at all from what you’ve said. These things become obsessive & relationships are lost along the way.

Some relationships should be lost and it sounds like OPs is one of them.

Lcb123 · 08/01/2023 16:24

I actually think he could be nervous of the outcome - especially if it’s something on his side meaning you are unlikely to have a baby. Maybe he’s worried you’d leave him, or resent him for it. So he’s avoiding it. I’d definitely get some counselling together - stopping TTC just seems a knee jerk and unhelpful reaction

Wafflington · 08/01/2023 16:25

A lot of other posters have raised good points that he might not really want children anymore, scared etc. But my concern would be that he's basically got it in his head that he's fine reproductively, and the problem is all you - and he thinks, "Well, I can just leave her and find someone else to have kids with."

Obviously I genuinely hope this isn't the case because it would be a horrible thing do to someone...

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