To stop TTC because DH won't get genetic tests done?

[ttcstop]

Fertility journey is now into its fourth year and we have had tests done prior to now but continue to have miscarriages.

I've had operations to clear up endo and other issues but since had further miscarriage.

GP has now advised Karyotyping test which is usually expensive but we qualify for free and then I'll tell us if any genetic disorders exist. I'm also supposed to go for womb lining tests this month but I may cancel it because I had my genetic testing but DH is making out going for his a huge huge deal.

All he has to do is drive 45 minutes to the hospital for a blood test and he keeps insisting because he has googled these tests and there's such a low probability of it being the issue he doesn't see the point.

It's making me want to just stop this whole process out of principle. Why can't he just get the test despite it being highly likely to be anything why should I have to conjure my tests and then potentially go through IVF without him first ruling out every possible thing.

Is it extreme to stop TTC? But then what happens then I just cannot figure out what to do for the best really getting me down.

NC don't want links to other posts

This.

I can't see how old you are. But your posts suggest he is not in it. I know that longing but my DP would be happy for all the tests. I hope you get your happy squish. It's so painful the process.

I think take a break from TTC. Try and enjoy your relationship for 6 months and think about whether you want to stay with this man and whether you want to resume TTC.

It's obviously been gruelling and it sounds like communication has broken down and he does not want to go through any further disappointment while you are keen to do whatever it takes.

It will be a turning point for your relationship where you either come out stronger or split up.

Personally I would be reluctant to go through any more myself unless he did his bit with the blood test. I don't know much about it but I don't think all genetic testing is the same - presumably they are only testing for things that directly affect the chances of pregnancy and not for diseases that develop after birth. So if it throws something up it's only confirming what you suspected already - there's a fertility issue. It's not the same as (for example) knowing you will get cancer at a young age which perhaps may be what some posters are thinking of when they mention life changing consequences.

Hope you find the right answers OP.

The issue is with this situation I'm not willing to do whatever it takes - I too am at burnout but I also am fully aware I cannot have children unless it's now. Our bodies don't wait for us.

This is a fucking mess. I don't know what to do. I want to probably try and much as I can to make this a success but not because I'm necessarily that desperate for a child, just because I don't want to look back at regret.

But equally I don't see the point if it's all on me - I get the impression DH would have been happy with kids if the road had of been easy and I just fell pregnant. But it hasn't been so what happens now?

I have other gynaecological issues to which he referred to yesterday as me being 'like a war zone' down there. I think he just thinks I'll never get pregnant so he's wasting his time.

Honeslty I do think it's time you stopped, or took a break. You don't seem to actually want a baby by this point. Do you think maybe its more that your already invested so much time and effort that you can't quit now because you'll never know if just doing a little bit more would have worked?

I don't think it's really about the test either. He's not in this struggle with you. You're arranging everything. You're doing everything. You have all the tests. All the surgeries. All the pain and struggle. And he can't bring himself to have one fucking needle. It doesn't matter whether it would make one jot of difference. He's not willing to enter this struggle with you. And if he's not willing to be a part of MAKING a baby with you, I really do not think he's going be much help in RAISING the baby either.

I'm really sorry but I don't think it's the right time for you, even if that means there never is a right time.

@ttcstop

He described your reproductive system as a ‘war zone’? This is a man you seriously want to stay in a relationship with?

Ultimately, you can’t control him. You can try to manipulate him into getting the blood test, but ultimately the thing that matters is that he doesn't want to, and is less invested in having a baby than you are. From my reading seems there are 4 possible outcomes:

option 1- keep trying.
outcome a- you get pregnant. In which case you need to be prepared to accept the main caregiver role because H has shown himself to be less invested. Of course he might do a 180 degree turn and be a fantastically committed father, doing 50% of the parenting. The evidence so far though suggests you need to prepare for him not to be. Could you cope as a lone parent if he left, when parenting turns out harder than he anticipated?

outcome b- you do not conceive. Could you forgive him for giving less than 100%?

option 2- stop trying.
outcome a - you both come to terms with childfree life and your relationship is repaired and grows stronger as you look forward to adult-only adventures through life.

outcome b - you, or he, cannot get over the strain (and resentment?) of ttc and you live together unhappily or split.

Does this help in sorting through your choices?

I have other gynaecological issues to which he referred to yesterday as me being 'like a war zone' down there. I think he just thinks I'll never get pregnant so he's wasting his time.

This made me feel physically ill to read OP, I'm sorry. I don't think I could stay in a relationship with someone who demeaned me like this. Does he just have no respect?

⛳
Unfortunately I think you should cut your losses, this man is not an equal partner, he wants you to take the hits while he takes the credit☹️👎

This would annoy me as you’ve gone through so much more than him and he’s not willing to do this. He might genuinely be thinking it’s a waste of time due to the stats but it shows he’s not as deeply invested in it as you, as he should want to do it.

I have other gynaecological issues to which he referred to yesterday as me being 'like a war zone' down there. I think he just thinks I'll never get pregnant so he's wasting his time

Fucking hell. What a twat. Not only does it sound like he doesn’t really give a shit about having kids and is the opposite of supportive, it doesn’t sound like he even likes you very much if he can speak about you that way. With everything you’ve endured so far.

I’m with you OP. You’ve gone through tests, surgery and the heartache and pain of miscarriages and literally this selfish man has to do is have a blood test. YANBU to feel like just halting TTCing I’d probably feel the same.

I think you are getting a taste of what he will be like when you have a child. I expect he will be a “you were the one who wanted a kid, so I’m not helping out” type dad. Run!

If he can't manage the effort of attending a quick hospital appt for a blood test, how much effort would he actually be making if you do finally have a baby together?

Given your own ambivalence about whether you even want to commit to having a child now, how much have you considered that he may also have cold feet?

Having a baby just in case you end up regret not having one doesn't seem like a strong enough reason to put yourself through not just the daunting conception process, but 2 decades of parenting. Especially if your co-parent is reluctant, & leaves all the childcare responsibility to you.

I am sorry for what a struggle you have been through, & hope you & DH can review your feelings compassionately & honestly.

Well yes.

This is NOT a man who is used to considering his wife's feelings.

I’ve never understood why people put themselves through this. Your H doesn’t seem that keen at all from what you’ve said. These things become obsessive & relationships are lost along the way.

I winced. That’s such a very ugly thing to say.

We had a shit time ttc, 5 mcs, 2 mmc which led to 2 surgeries, post op infections, sooo many tests, several pregnancies on bucket loads of meds that still failed. All DH ever said was how he wished he could have done more, how sorry he was for the toll it took on my body, how thankful he was we both wanted to keep going anyway. You deserve so much better 💐💐💐

YANBU, I would feel exactly as you do.. he’s being selfish. I feel for you..

Agreed.

he keeps insisting because he has googled these tests and there's such a low probability of it being the issue he doesn't see the point

If he's so clued up he'll know that the NHS is world-renowned for evaluating tests and treatments for their value for money, to the point where other countries use NICE's decisions as a reference for whether they're worth it. If you're being offered the test on the NHS, experts have decided it's likely enough to be worth paying for the test. So that's an excuse — what's his real reason?

I bet he's thinking, on some level, "women have been having babies for millions of years, why is this such a big deal for her?". Basically, a complete twat who has no idea that actually, the act of conceiving, carrying, giving birth and then caring for a baby have huge physical and psychological affects for women. "It's a war zone down there" is one of the most offensive comments I've heard in a while. I'm not sure which is worse, the "war zone" or the "down there".

I am experiencing early peri menopause symptoms. It's not great, in particular, a loss of libido for no reason (vs the baby years! when there was a great reason!). Dh doesn't truly understand what I'm going through but he 100% gets that this is one of those things women have to deal with and it's his job to be supportive. Similarly, my dad, while caring for my mother after multiple issues as a result of her multiple pregnancies (some losses, some carried to term and at least one very dangerous birth), once said to me, "well, she was pregnant 7 times to help us grow our family, what kind of a man would I be now if I didn't support her when the impact of that is being felt on her body."

Your Dh was U all along. But now I'm actively hating on him.

How old are you both?

It sounds like he either doesn’t want a baby now or more likely he’s got to a stage where he’s given up because you’ve done all of these things which haven’t worked and this new thing isn’t going to make much difference - so what’s the point.

It’s almost like what’s the point in getting your hopes up just to be torn down again for something which has such little success rate.

Just reading your OP it all sounds so exhausting!

I know you are desperate for a baby but I wonder how much this desperation is impacting your relationship and other aspects of your life.

Depending on your age I would seriously consider stop TTC for 6 months/a year and focus on just being together and then starting up again doing all of these tests when your body has had time to fully recover - it’s been through a hell of a lot.

You can still have unprotected sex but you won’t have the constant stress of it all.

Have you been given what the chances of you conceiving are?
And what this goes up by if he has the test?

Honestly OP I'm not sure I would want to be with a man who was happy to watch me go through multiple losses, invasive testing etc and won't even commit to attending appointments regulary or a blood test.

I certainly wouldn't want a child with him OP.

So he has mocked you by saying it’s you that’s has the problem and not him and he has never contributed/attended appointments?

OP This man does not want a baby with you. He does not sound like a caring partner at all.

Me too - my jaw dropped when I read that. Assuming he's not 18 yo? How can you put yourself through living with this awful guy? It's clear he doesn't respect you.