To not sell my home for the benefit of my stepkids?

[jaicobain]

I was never able to have children of my own. I was with somebody for 20 years, had all the treatments, and only ever had miscarriages. He became abusive and I left in my mid-40s, that was that. I am lucky in that I bought my house before he came along. I’m 57 now, and have come to terms with not having DC, but it’s still a great source of sadness to me.

My 2 nieces were born in my 30s, and I adore them. They were a great comfort to me, I’ve always been close to my sister so as a result was close to them. I am their Godmother. Of course they couldn’t be a substitute to my own DC but we have such a close relationship. When they were teenagers, they moved in with me for a few months whilst Dsis struggled with depression. Then a couple of years later my elder niece moved back in for 4 months at age 17 due to rebellious behaviour that Dsis wasn’t coping with. They are now both brilliant young women, and both have babies. They aren’t particularly well-off, and have struggled with the cost of living recently. I’ve been very vocal of the fact that they will inherit my house. Maybe a mistake to tell them that but they are greatful and not entitled at all.

I am in great health and expect to be around for the forseeable, and have always planned to leave my house to my sister, or my nieces if she passes before me. My sister is younger than me, but has ill-health and chronic conditions that have worsened as of late. She is not at deaths door or anything but has told me full-well that she doubts she’ll make 70.

I have a husband now, married 5 years, I have moved in with him. I have a tenant in my property. The problem that has arisen is that he wants us to buy a holiday home in Spain, but doesn’t want to downsize his large Victorian house to fund it (worth £500,000+, bought in the 80s in an area that got gentrified) because he wants his 2 sons to inherit it. He is snobbish about the area of my house (one of the not so nice areas of the city, but it’s where I grew up and I’m fond of it!), and is incredibly vocal about it. He thinks I should ‘get rid’ of my house and buy us the holiday home with the money. I have asked him why he doesn’t just downsize his 4-bedroom, it’s just the 2 of us and his 4 granddaughter’s are pre-teens/teens so they don’t even come and stay anymore. And it’s always the same response, he wants his sons to inherit it and the hypothetical holiday home that he expects me to sell my beloved home to fund.

He actually said that since I don’t have DC and now live with him I don’t need the house. As somebody who tried for years to have kids, this hurt me a lot. He also fails to respect my close relationship with my nieces, and has actually said I should prioritise his adult kids over my 2 nieces. Prioritising his kids would mean selling my house to fund the holiday home so that he doesn’t have to downsize his big house that they are due to inherit.

I am finding the whole thing incredibly upsetting and I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my family. He’s made many a nasty comment about my sister’s mental health issues and has no sympathy for her physical health issues which he says are her own fault for smoking, it’s like her considers her and my nieces to just be worthless. I will add that the holiday home is all him, I am really not bothered and would rather just go on nice holidays around Europe without the stress of buying and maintaining a holiday home.

OP I'm so sorry this is awful.

To echo advice: make it clear to your "D" H you won't be selling your home it is going to your nieces and you don't wish to discuss that further

Get legal advice to secure this whilst you're fit and healthy.

Consider whether and why you should stay with this man who clearly sees you as an asset.

Also: if you live into old age how will you protect yourself If he gets power of attorney and changes your will against your wishes?

@jaicobain Just say you are planning to adopt your nieces then they will be part of his inheritence as well. See if that will get him to back off from your house.

The rules over inheritance are quite different in other countries so you can’t assume anything based on English law. In many EU countries you cannot disinherit your children, so a jointly owned asset may not automatically pass to the surviving spouse.

It’s imperative that you get up to date legal advice to include what might happen to your property in Spain, should you agree to buy one, and what might happen to your assets should you divorce. Also, make sure you lodge your latest will with your solicitor, not at home.

You say that you have a will, but when was it updated, and who is it kept with? If you’re leaving ‘your’ house to your nieces and die before your husband, the will could surely be disputed as the house would be a marital asset? I really think you need legal advice about all of this.

anshamwhite.com/family-law-solicitors/is-a-house-owned-before-marriage-classified-as-marital-property-during-a-divorce/

Homes brought prior to marriage law.

Friend GPs owned two properties - one in Spain.

The will states X gets majority and Y gets £80,000.

The have come across the Spanish law where the property is in Spain which dictates they should inherit equally.

The English will does not override the Spanish law. (This will take months of expensive lawyer time and money)

As OP doesn’t have children then a joint marital assets will go to surviving children - or husband and not DN.

Think very carefully. Even if he dies first, and the Spanish properly is yours, you may have to give half to the children. And you’ll lose your home. (His house) because they are entitled to that as well.

There is another point as his house is your home, you need to ensure you can stay in the property X amount of time before being evicted - ask a solicitor - some do a lifetime benefit of staying there. Otherwise you’ll be homeless until your tenants can move and they have more rights than they do.

@jaicobain unless you were really close to his kids or had cared for them then no way! You got together only recently when they were already adults. DH is being ridiculous as well as selfish and unkind. The only way I’d be looking at a holiday home is jointly funded 50:50 by remortgaging your properties, bought as tenants in common so your halves can go to whomever you wish. Your house goes to who you want and his goes to his kids. If you want, put yours in trust for your nieces with a clause that says you live there until you die, should you wish. And for the first time
ever on a post will suggest you split from DH - he sounds awful.

OP, I think the question you need to be asking your husband is this:

"Why do you seem to believe that everything you brought to this marriage is yours, for you to enjoy and leave to your sons when you die, and everything I brought to this marriage is also yours, for you to enjoy and leave to your sons when you die?"

And also:

"My house is my security. You're asking me to sell it in order to buy a holiday home that only you want, which you would then leave to your adult children. What would I do in this scenario if you die before me, or if you decide to divorce me? Where is my security then? Why do you want me to put myself in a financially vulnerable position so that you can have a holiday home?"

Also, unless you have EU passports you'll be limited to 90 days out of 180 in the whole Schengen area, so even if you both wanted a holiday home in Spain you wouldn't be allowed to spend an unlimited amount of time there and you might be subject to non EU national property taxes and so on, making it not necessarily a great investment.

@Anonymouseposter - very wise. A woman with assets should be careful the older she gets.

In fact, I think I would be most concerned about what happens if he dies before you.

At least if you divorce, a court will divide up your assets.

But right now, you are living in a house which I assume he owns in his sole name, and which he has clearly said he wants to leave to his sons. If he died tomorrow, unless he has made a provision in his will for you to continue living in the house for the rest of your life, or at least temporarily, you would be homeless. It doesn't sound like your stepkids would be willing to let you carry on living there indefinitely. If they're anything like their dad, they'll want you out pronto so they can get their hands on their inheritance.

If you still have your own house, you're OK. It might take a little time to sort out your affairs, evict your tenants if you need to move back in there yourself etc. But you'd still have your own property.

If you did what he wants and sold your house to buy a holiday home in Spain, and then he died, what would you have?

Half a holiday home in a country you probably don't even have the right to live in, which your stepkids would also want their half of.

You'd be homeless until the holiday home was sold and you could recover just half the proceeds, which I doubt would go very far towards buying you somewhere adequate to live for the rest of your life in the UK.

Why are you still with this man when you know he only sees you as a cash cow?

That’s good for letting off steam here, but it won’t do you any good with him.

Yes, I read this. As op is childless by circumstance I didn’t include. It’s the same as the spouse info ie wooly. But children under Spanish law seem to be mandated to inherit 1/3; whether that could be overwritten by U.K. law subject to a Spanish Will, idk. And as this would be a means for his kids get op’s assets, it doesn’t sound as if he’d be interested in ensuring op is provided for should he die first.

Having read the article linked above about what happens to property bought before and after message in the event of divorce, given what you've said about your DH I'd be concerned that what he's trying to do is get you to sell your home that you bought before marriage to buy something now which might mean he has a claim on it if you divorce.

He certainly sounds like a selfish wanker. Based on what you've said I'd be planning on leaving him to be honest. Because it sounds as though he doesn't really give a shit about your security, happiness and wishes and is only interested in how you can benefit him and his family.

Is it possible to just simply say.

I appreciate that this suggestion is really beneficial to you and your family but it isn't for me or mine. I am very proud of my independence I have fought hard to maintain it and do not relish relinquishing it for any reason. You have your priorities I have mine. It is now time for you to accept that I will under no circumstances.stances sell my house. If you wish to have a holiday home then you can seek other options.

Alternatively

F off !!

Really this begs the question though how is he in other areas of your life. I don't need an answer but maybe you do need to think about how he prioritises you in his because if this is anything to go by, it doesn't look good.

It gave me the shivers reading this. It's like your wishes don't count.

Glad that you will be getting legal advice. Of course you need to protect your assets for any potential future care firstly, and then benefit your nieces. Not his children, he can deal with that.

I don't say this lightly but divorce might be the best thing here. Your husband would have a rude awakening because he'll likely end up with less (not more) assets to leave his precious progeny.

I hope you do see a solicitor and update us with their advice .

Completely understandable that you feel close to snapping however if you can try and avoid it could you reply something like,
you are perfectly free to use your own money as you wish and likewise I am free to do as I wish with my money
or you could suggest that he gives his money to your family?
Ultimately I think you should divorce him he's not a partner he is a freeloader

Best to see a solicitor as even that link to homes owned before marriage above refers to UK law as if England and Scotland were the same which is not so. There are different divorce laws in Scotland and England.
Divorce before giving the nieces the let property however might mean less money for the poster so to preserve property for nieces perhaps give that to them and wait a few years and then divorce even...

Just for the fun of it maybe talk over him and start arguing that he should sell one of his properties and give the proceeds to your nieces?
I mean he IS having a laugh here so why shouldn't you 🤷

Op, you need to make it clear to him that it is non negotiable and that you are not going to discuss it any further with him. Just shut him down every time he mentions it, walk away, whatever it takes to make it clear that you will not be changing your plans and that you will not discuss it with him.

He cannot keep bullying you like this. As I said up thread, get legal advice to make sure that your will is water tight if you should go before him.

Have spoken to Dsis today who isn’t at all happy and she says it’s financial abuse and emotional abuse because he is saying stuff that he knows will hit a nerve about my infertility. It’s got me thinking.

Your sister sounds correct to me.

Your sister is right, OP - do check in with a solicitor.