To not sell my home for the benefit of my stepkids?

[jaicobain]

I was never able to have children of my own. I was with somebody for 20 years, had all the treatments, and only ever had miscarriages. He became abusive and I left in my mid-40s, that was that. I am lucky in that I bought my house before he came along. I’m 57 now, and have come to terms with not having DC, but it’s still a great source of sadness to me.

My 2 nieces were born in my 30s, and I adore them. They were a great comfort to me, I’ve always been close to my sister so as a result was close to them. I am their Godmother. Of course they couldn’t be a substitute to my own DC but we have such a close relationship. When they were teenagers, they moved in with me for a few months whilst Dsis struggled with depression. Then a couple of years later my elder niece moved back in for 4 months at age 17 due to rebellious behaviour that Dsis wasn’t coping with. They are now both brilliant young women, and both have babies. They aren’t particularly well-off, and have struggled with the cost of living recently. I’ve been very vocal of the fact that they will inherit my house. Maybe a mistake to tell them that but they are greatful and not entitled at all.

I am in great health and expect to be around for the forseeable, and have always planned to leave my house to my sister, or my nieces if she passes before me. My sister is younger than me, but has ill-health and chronic conditions that have worsened as of late. She is not at deaths door or anything but has told me full-well that she doubts she’ll make 70.

I have a husband now, married 5 years, I have moved in with him. I have a tenant in my property. The problem that has arisen is that he wants us to buy a holiday home in Spain, but doesn’t want to downsize his large Victorian house to fund it (worth £500,000+, bought in the 80s in an area that got gentrified) because he wants his 2 sons to inherit it. He is snobbish about the area of my house (one of the not so nice areas of the city, but it’s where I grew up and I’m fond of it!), and is incredibly vocal about it. He thinks I should ‘get rid’ of my house and buy us the holiday home with the money. I have asked him why he doesn’t just downsize his 4-bedroom, it’s just the 2 of us and his 4 granddaughter’s are pre-teens/teens so they don’t even come and stay anymore. And it’s always the same response, he wants his sons to inherit it and the hypothetical holiday home that he expects me to sell my beloved home to fund.

He actually said that since I don’t have DC and now live with him I don’t need the house. As somebody who tried for years to have kids, this hurt me a lot. He also fails to respect my close relationship with my nieces, and has actually said I should prioritise his adult kids over my 2 nieces. Prioritising his kids would mean selling my house to fund the holiday home so that he doesn’t have to downsize his big house that they are due to inherit.

I am finding the whole thing incredibly upsetting and I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my family. He’s made many a nasty comment about my sister’s mental health issues and has no sympathy for her physical health issues which he says are her own fault for smoking, it’s like her considers her and my nieces to just be worthless. I will add that the holiday home is all him, I am really not bothered and would rather just go on nice holidays around Europe without the stress of buying and maintaining a holiday home.

@jollyrogering
Why do you think that a jointly owned home in Spain is easier to liquidate than a solely owned home in the U.K. though?

In the U.K. we have Joint Tenants and Tenants in Common for house ownership. Under one of those tenancies, the survivor owns the house in its entirety, entirely outwith the terms of the Will. Do you know what the legal basis for home ownership is in Spain? I don’t. So I don’t suggest to people that it’s all the same in Spain or the U.K.

Do you know the ins and outs of inheritance law in Spain?

Do you think it would be easy for OP’s beneficiaries in the U.K. to navigate that?

Do you know if U.K. law has any jurisdiction over a property (or the value of it) owned in Spain?

Exactly this! Do NOT sell your house, do make sure your will is airtight and keep your finances separate.

“unless there is some kind of binding pre-nup or the OP has clear solicitor's advice about how assets might be ringfenced on divorce, surely this is moot as all the assets are now family assets anyway?”

Divorce is irrelevant, the OP is talking about death.
And no, as discussed by several people upthread they are not “family assets”.
It’s fine not to know this stuff.
But it isn’t fine to post advice to people when you don’t know.

He sounds like a shit. What the hell?

As it’s been previously mentioned… DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR HOUSE and keep your Will updated.

I’d be telling him to shove it and sell his house for the Spanish holiday home that HE wants.

Then move back in to your house away from that vile prick.

Every time I ask him to justify why I should do this, he outlines the benefits for his 2 sons and 4 granddaughters. I’m getting to the point where I’m going to snap and say I don’t give a fucking shit about his sons or granddaughters. See how it makes him feel to have his family shit on by his spouse.

^I don’t actually have any ill-will to the granddaughters, the son’s are rude but wosh them no harm either. I’m just making a point

You could say you understand that his children and grandchildren are important to him and you’d like him to understand that as you also had a long history before you met him, your nieces and their children mean to you what his children and grandchildren mean to him. Ask him if he would be willing to give up any of his house to benefit your nieces. He’ll probably say it’s not the same but actually it is.

Emotionally speaking that is.

He sounds like an inter-generational cocklodger. Tell him to fuck off and sell his posh house. Buying overseas is not good financially and becoming an expat in Spain with this git would be a nightmare.

Actually, I would divorce his tight arse just for dissing my beloved sister and nieces. He has zero respect for you and yours. He must think you are so malleable.

Do you love him? Do you like him? He doesn't seem a nice person?
Absolutely do not sell your house - ever!

He sounds like he sees you as a cash cow for his legacy.
I would not be happy about this.

I’ve looked up inheritance law in Spain but haven’t found exact information. You’d need a Spanish Will for starters otherwise it would, I think, all just go to him. You might be able to leave it all to your nieces but that’s really not clear and depends on the region the house is in. Some regions insist you leave a portion to your spouse, others do not. It also isn’t 100% clear to me whether you’d be allowed to follow British law because we aren’t an EU member. Then there’s the question of him expecting half of the property from the off.

As for selling the property, it will complicated and we know estate agents can be unscrupulous sometimes. As you don’t speak fluent Spanish and aren’t resident, you could easily be duped. Then there is the case of capital gain tax if you sell. Since Brexit, U.K. residents have to pay Spanish CCT plus British CGT. Inheritance tax is also payable and on a sliding scale. As if it isn’t a main residence, your dh would also be liable for IHT. The amount isn’t clear as it takes in consideration other assets and the age of the person inheriting the property.

The main take from this is he doesn’t care about your assets and he is willing to risk your future but not his. This is not a good man. I wouldn’t buy property abroad unless I could afford to lose a great deal of that asset. Being generous, he could be naive to this. But he may have looked into this or even just like me, done a quick google search. He may also have looked into it a great deal and target a region, where IHT goes by Spanish law meaning you cannot disinherit him. I’d also be questioning how easy it would be to get around Spanish law even if there is a Will in place.

He sounds incredibly dodgy with his comments about not wanting to be with someone without property. It sounds as though you are an interesting prospect precisely because you have no direct heirs and he clearly thinks he can bully you into signing your assets over to him and his children. What’s mine is mine. What’s yours is mine.

I really hope you have a Will in place. I would sit him down today when things are calm and be very clear the sale isn’t happening and your nieces will be inheriting all your assets. If he anything less than accepting, I would be considering divorce.

Apart from this issue, is it a good relationship?

If not, end it. Seriously, this reads like a nightmare.

Please don't sell your home just for his wishes and write a will for your house. He has to respect your wishes. He has only been 5 years in your life.

Have you asked about the benefits for YOU? Of you relinquishing your asset and signing it away just like that? Why would you do this?

what happens if you need to fund your elderly care? Or he does?

at this juncture @jaicobain there is little to be lost in being blunt. “Why on earth would I do this? What possible benefit is there to me to do this”

his sudden change is textbook manipulative partner. He’s lovebombed you, promised the earth and now he’s in the year you down phase.

there are some men who see it as a personal challenge to see successful women taken down to nothing while they line their pockets.

You have got yourself one of these sadly. Get the best legal advice you can, tell the lawyer that this man is coming for your assets by stealth and you need to protect yourself and get out of this situation as best you can.

does he have a decent pension pot as well? If he does you have a LOT of leverage.

id look at payout and clean break.

@Mummyoflittledragon there also was a law in Spain at some point that it’s illegal to disinherit your kids if you die as a while owner etc

not Sure if this is still the case

I suspect that this "changed" man is the real him. The man you knew before you married was the man who was keen to woo a financially independent property-owner.

Wanker chose to marry YOU, therefore your own nieces should take priority to him.

The double standard is revolting.
Get yourself to a lawyer, get an assessment of where you would stand financially if you chose to divorce.

Say you don't think it's appropriate for your estate to benefit his sons and granddaughters. He's left nothing to your family, why should you do that for him?

Tell him you are concerned with providing for your family the same as he is with his. You won't be doing it and that's the end of the discussion.

And yes absolutely see a lawyer. Ensure your Will is clear.

They seem like the type of grabby fuckers who would challenge a Will. Perhaps the lawyer will suggest a way to protect your estate from them.

Also- your his wife- he chose to marry you. How will you be provided for after his death? Or are your DSC going to be changing the locks while you're out choosing a casket?

@jaicobain

He’s manipulating you into feeling guilty about the interests of his children and grandchildren to make you crack & give into his wishes for you to leave all your assets to them. Don’t fall for it!!

It is irrelevant whether you get on with his children or not, whether you love them or not. They’re not your children, period. You’ve only known them 5 years. Honestly, the cheek of asking you to leave them your assets! He’s making it sound like a normal request, but as everyone here has said, IT IS NOT!!

DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE. DO NOT WRITE YOUR ASSETS TO HIS CHILDREN. SEE A SOLICITOR.

What happens if he’s a gold digger who dumps you as soon as you bought a joint property with him? Look after yourself. No one else will. And by the sound of it, it’s clear your DH won’t as his main concern is his children, not you.

You can put an alert on the land registry so you are notified of any enquiries about it.

A better response would be to outline the benefits to your nieces, & ask him to justify why he is so intent on removing those benefits by disinheriting them.

Not because you are trying to persuade him - just to put him on the spot, make him confront his own hypocrisy, & with luck, shut him up for long enough for you to sort out your options with a very good divorce lawyer.

Quietly, without letting him know what you are thinking.

Keep asking him - where will I live if you die before me?

it’s a simple question- he does seem to assume you’ll die together or he will outlive you. He may not have even thought about it.

be clear - you need to have a guarantee of a roof over your head and it’s not fair to his sons or you to leave you relying on their charity.

Personally I would divorce him. Marriage isn’t always a good thing for older women with their own assets and I wouldn’t have anyone controlling me in my old age.