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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help with child in changing room

134 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 11:42

Hello mums please can you help?
I am a member of an inexpensive gym , so no private cubicles. At the moment, every time I go, I just happen to be on the same timetable as a mum with her 2 kids. The older one is a boy probably about 4 or 5. They come in and get changed and go swimming (I have come from the gym part) trouble is the boy stands and stares at me the whole time. And the mum never seems to notice. Its not his fault, he's little but the mum is not noticing. I've tried things like "hello are you excited about swimming" so the mum may notice and like most mums, ensure he is engaged elsewhere after a while. But she just leaves him there to stare and stare. Even if I turn my back , and try to dry/ change under my towel he is there when I turn back. The mum seems really nice but sort of immune to it. A few weeks ago, he wandered into the shower areas and turned one on, an older lady said "careful they come on hot and he's just put it on" and she was smiley and happy and said "he's been coming here since he was a baby, he knows all about how to do things here"
How can I gently correct him? I really don't feel comfortable being assertive with the mum directly (I know I'm a wimp) what would you do. To be clear, I love kids , this is not a grumpy thing. This is a 'I'm feeling more and more self conscious' thing

OP posts:
Nursejackie1 · 07/01/2023 21:32

But sorry OP don’t mean to derail.
i hope you get in touch with the palliative care team and get some help

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:32

lots of dms would not take kindly to the kind of comment you plan to make
Exactly why I asked for advice. As stated, the mum seems nice, I would never want to upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:33

FawnFrenchieMum · 07/01/2023 21:21

The mums on her own with two little kids, as long as ones quiet while she is getting herself and another child dressed, I doubt she’s even noticed he’s staring.
Hes a little boy ffs, just wait 10 mins or get it over it.

Ffs yourself , read my updates where I say how it's not his fault... the mum is nice etc

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:34

Catterpillarwithconverse · 07/01/2023 21:26

I think you should handle it by ignoring it and/or exercising your control in the situation by moving to a different part of the changing room.

I think you need to manage your expectations of children.

There isn't a different part. The changing room is one small one

OP posts:
BloodAndFire · 07/01/2023 21:35

crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:15

It does, and it has for longer than this has been happening.

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It doesn't. Because you can't cope with children in the changing room.

That's fine. I would hate children in my gym too. I and many other women go to the gym as an escape from family life, not an extension of it.

You need to go to an adults only gym. As a bonus, they are far cheaper- I mean, more 'inexpensive' - than ones that children can attend.

I also find it very odd that you are so frequently in the changing rooms at exactly the same time as this family.

Or that you can't just use the toilet cubicle if it's really such an issue.

BloodAndFire · 07/01/2023 21:38

crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 15:46

This is a good idea and the PP who said "can you look the other way while I change "
Will give both a go

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This is a truly awful suggestion.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:38

BloodAndFire · 07/01/2023 21:35

It doesn't. Because you can't cope with children in the changing room.

That's fine. I would hate children in my gym too. I and many other women go to the gym as an escape from family life, not an extension of it.

You need to go to an adults only gym. As a bonus, they are far cheaper- I mean, more 'inexpensive' - than ones that children can attend.

I also find it very odd that you are so frequently in the changing rooms at exactly the same time as this family.

Or that you can't just use the toilet cubicle if it's really such an issue.

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It isn't odd, it's a coincidence.

The toilet cubicle is across reception so you couldn't use it to change before and after shower.
I can cope and have coped fine with the children members. This is a specific incidence.

This gym does suit me as its the cheapest in my town. Not sure why you are quoting the 'inexpensive' there was nothing meant by my word choice.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 07/01/2023 21:38

Here’s the thing, you don’t think she’s parenting the way she should. You think any comment which draws her attention to the fact her parenting doesn’t meet your standards (and I agree with you that she shouldn’t be letting him stare) is rude. You don’t want to be rude.

There really isn’t a way to square that circle. If you want her to change what she’s doing you’re going to have to bring it up one way or another. You can minimise the offence you cause, but if you think criticism means offence, you can’t avoid it.

If it was bothering me that much I would probably say something to her like - “Do you think you get your DS involved in helping you with the baby? All he does is stare at me for the 10 minutes while you’re busy and it’s really disconcerting.”

girlmom21 · 07/01/2023 21:39

Caterpillar1990 · 07/01/2023 20:51

He’s 4 not 14, you’re being ridiculous

When do we stop this behaviour then? Surely it's better to teach it early on - otherwise before you know it he'll be at the age where you believe he should know better and he'll still behave inappropriately.

BloodAndFire · 07/01/2023 21:39

crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:38

It isn't odd, it's a coincidence.

The toilet cubicle is across reception so you couldn't use it to change before and after shower.
I can cope and have coped fine with the children members. This is a specific incidence.

This gym does suit me as its the cheapest in my town. Not sure why you are quoting the 'inexpensive' there was nothing meant by my word choice.

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Then go half an hour earlier or later and your problem will be solved.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:41

BloodAndFire · 07/01/2023 21:39

Then go half an hour earlier or later and your problem will be solved.

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I do go at somewhat varying times, but it's just one of those strange things at the moment. There's a bit of wiggle room but not much as I go to fit in with work and other responsibilities

OP posts:
SquirrelRed · 07/01/2023 21:43

I'm surprised there are so many people saying you should just ignore him, as a mum of 2 I would never let them stare at someone like that, even if it is keeping him quiet while I deal with the other one! It is incredibly rude and at age 5 he is old enough for the mum to tell him that in my opinion.
I would go with the suggestion of just asking the mum to get him to look away while you get changed.
Being stared at would definitely make me feel uncomfortable aswell, good luck!

MissHavershamReturns · 07/01/2023 21:44

The op doesn’t know he’s 5 fyi. He could just be 4.

FawnFrenchieMum · 07/01/2023 21:47

I still have to regularly remind my 10 year old not to state and I don’t have another small child to get sorted.

altmember · 07/01/2023 21:48

crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 12:28

I have nothing on show anyway as I have one of these. It's not the fact he might see anything and it's obviously nothing to do with being "perved on" fgs

Toilet is a good idea but they are the other side of the reception so not suitable for changing in

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That's probably why he's staring - why on earth is that silly woman trying to get dressed while wearing a tent?

I think you're being too self conscious, just get on with minding your own business and stop looking at him. You must be spending a fair bit of time looking at him to notice.

You know nothing about this lad, maybe he's neuro divergent and that's just what he does? Maybe he's the next Desmond Morris and fascinated with observing people. Or maybe he's some kind of psycho serial killer in the making. Whatever, at 5 years old he's not really any threat to you.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:48

MissHavershamReturns · 07/01/2023 21:44

The op doesn’t know he’s 5 fyi. He could just be 4.

Yes he could . Like all my nieces nephews and god children have been who I love and support. I have clearly stated this is not a grumpy anti child issue.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 07/01/2023 21:49

Oh ffs. OP ist quite justified in being disturbed, given the way she has described the situation. The kid isn't "looking around" but plain staring for an extended period of time, has no discernible special needs, obviously isn't pervy but probably either curious or bored or both, and equally obviously fucking rude, for the simple reason nobody's told hin off for it. That alone is a good enough reason to pipe up about it.

OP I've come across little boys like this, in the communal showers at our local pool. Never little girls - possibly they're already more cowed vis-a-vis strangers, or Just more familiar with seeing female bodies.

Either way - last thing I'd do is hide under a fucking towel. It's a female space and if the mum wants to bring her offspring in she needs to get him to adjust to that rather than everyone else tiptoeing around His Majesty. I've certainly never kept my swimsuit in under those circumstances (I want to get the chlorine off and not spend the rest of the day scratching myself!) Just disrobe, walk to the showers, whatever, in the buff as normal. If the kid persists in staring/mum in ignoring then you have every right to ask if he's never seen a naked woman before. Hopefully that ought to do the trick...

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:50

altmember · 07/01/2023 21:48

That's probably why he's staring - why on earth is that silly woman trying to get dressed while wearing a tent?

I think you're being too self conscious, just get on with minding your own business and stop looking at him. You must be spending a fair bit of time looking at him to notice.

You know nothing about this lad, maybe he's neuro divergent and that's just what he does? Maybe he's the next Desmond Morris and fascinated with observing people. Or maybe he's some kind of psycho serial killer in the making. Whatever, at 5 years old he's not really any threat to you.

Show quote history

I haven't said he is a threat. Yes to ND awareness. Yes also to not be stared at solidly at close quarters for my time in there

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:51

FawnFrenchieMum · 07/01/2023 21:47

I still have to regularly remind my 10 year old not to state and I don’t have another small child to get sorted.

Yep, mum is busy but also a nice woman. She doesn't notice what he is doing, or pick up when other people do

OP posts:
Gunpowder · 07/01/2023 21:52

I’d do what my mum does to any one who is staring or looks shifty. She usually reserves this for people she thinks could be up to no good but staring children aren’t exempt. She peers at them over the top of her glasses and asks if she can help them in a loud voice. It’s sort of friendly and terrifying at the same time. Maybe one has to be 70 for it to be effective.

Anyway, I imagine the mum would hear and look up or ask and then you can smile and say ‘oh he was staring at me for a while so I was just checking he was ok.’ Hopefully she’ll get the message. I think playing peekaboo or asking ‘are you excited about swimming’ would probably just make her think you are a nice woman who likes kids.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:54

I think playing peekaboo or asking ‘are you excited about swimming’ would probably just make her think you are a nice woman who likes kids
I am a nice woman who likes kids but I definitely take the point here. Mum does seem a bit oblivious

OP posts:
Thinkbiglittleone · 07/01/2023 21:57

Yep, mum is busy but also a nice woman. She doesn't notice what he is doing, or pick up when other people do

So, what have other people said to her ?

I personally find it bizarre to feel unnerved by a 4 year old, but if it something you feel strongly about.

"Oh, you might want to turn away, I don't want to put you off your lunch" hahaha to the child.

Then to mum "ohh they are so inquisitive at that age, they just don't get it yet about privacy do they"

MissHavershamReturns · 07/01/2023 21:59

@GrumpyPanda genuinely not sure how anyone could say a starey child had no discernible sn. One key sign of autism is being unusually starey!

Thinkbiglittleone · 07/01/2023 22:01

I think playing peekaboo or asking ‘are you excited about swimming’ would probably just make her think you are a nice woman who likes kids

Yeah I think engaging with him more, just makes her look more silly to then ask him to stop looking at her.

We had lots of nice ladies who chatted away and sang and chatted to my son when we used to go swimming. We still see some of the ladies there now and they tell him how they remember him being tiny, it's quite cute.

Nooriginalusername23 · 07/01/2023 22:02

BloodAndFire · 07/01/2023 14:31

My 'inexpensive gym' doesn't allow under 16s in at all. And it doesn't have a pool either. Maybe try an actual budget gym instead. I'd hate to have children in the way when I'm in the gym.

The kids aren’t in the gym, they’re going swimming