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Original poster

Help with child in changing room

134 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 11:42

Hello mums please can you help?
I am a member of an inexpensive gym , so no private cubicles. At the moment, every time I go, I just happen to be on the same timetable as a mum with her 2 kids. The older one is a boy probably about 4 or 5. They come in and get changed and go swimming (I have come from the gym part) trouble is the boy stands and stares at me the whole time. And the mum never seems to notice. Its not his fault, he's little but the mum is not noticing. I've tried things like "hello are you excited about swimming" so the mum may notice and like most mums, ensure he is engaged elsewhere after a while. But she just leaves him there to stare and stare. Even if I turn my back , and try to dry/ change under my towel he is there when I turn back. The mum seems really nice but sort of immune to it. A few weeks ago, he wandered into the shower areas and turned one on, an older lady said "careful they come on hot and he's just put it on" and she was smiley and happy and said "he's been coming here since he was a baby, he knows all about how to do things here"
How can I gently correct him? I really don't feel comfortable being assertive with the mum directly (I know I'm a wimp) what would you do. To be clear, I love kids , this is not a grumpy thing. This is a 'I'm feeling more and more self conscious' thing

OP posts:
MissHavershamReturns · 07/01/2023 15:10

@Orangesare I also have a dc with sn and an NT dc.

Flamingflames · 07/01/2023 15:10

I think the Mum should tell him not to stare. Like you I would feel uncomfortable with that and I would have to say something but would struggle with what to say.

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 15:11

crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 11:54

Would that be seen as rude by the mum?

Show quote history

Who cares.

Cherryblossoms85 · 07/01/2023 15:12

Seems like a fairly trivial issue. Address the child. "Hello. What are you looking at?"
Mother will notice at that point and should hopefully stop him. If she doesn't, then just slightly adjust your start time. I don't really know why such a small child looking at you is problematic anyway, but each to their own.

Flamingflames · 07/01/2023 15:12

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 07/01/2023 14:47

Oh for gods sake this is such a non issue just turn your back and ignore it. Who cares

This is an issue because it’s making OP uncomfortable. Therefore there’s nothing wrong in asking the boy to stop.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 15:40

BloodAndFire · 07/01/2023 14:31

My 'inexpensive gym' doesn't allow under 16s in at all. And it doesn't have a pool either. Maybe try an actual budget gym instead. I'd hate to have children in the way when I'm in the gym.

I am at an inexpensive gym already that suits me

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 15:41

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 07/01/2023 14:47

Oh for gods sake this is such a non issue just turn your back and ignore it. Who cares

I care and it is an issue for me. If it isn't for you, great

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 15:43

MissHavershamReturns · 07/01/2023 15:08

I wouldn’t tell any reception age child it was rude to stare. They are curious about the world and look around at everything - that’s normal. No child that age is thinking rude thoughts.

If someone spoke to me about this I would think what is their issue, why don’t they go to an adult only gym instead if they can’t handle normal interactions with kids?

I think if you raise this with her in any way whatsoever you need to prepare for it being awkward.

This is not a normal interaction at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 15:45

For all those posters determined to tell me how to feel and it's all silly, just don't comment. I just clearly asked for advice how to handle it, not whether you thought I was right or not

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 15:46

TrentCrimm · 07/01/2023 15:02

I think I'd say something to the mum along the lines of

'excuse me can you distract your little boy, he's super cute but he's freaking me out' haha tinkly laugh etc etc

This is a good idea and the PP who said "can you look the other way while I change "
Will give both a go

OP posts:
Hotsweatymomspagetti · 07/01/2023 15:50

I would try to ignore it if I was brave probably say it’s rude to stare.

Or if you really want to stop the problem stand there completely naked (the mum will most definitely notice then that’s he’s looking)

Sleepyblueocean · 07/01/2023 15:50

"I wouldn’t tell any reception age child it was rude to stare. They are curious about the world and look around at everything - that’s normal."

They will be told not to at school.

thefiddlerselbow · 07/01/2023 15:52

"Oh sweetie, I'm just going to get changed, you might want to look the other way"

(laugh)

then at his Mum, with humour

"don't want to scar the poor h the poor lad for life!"

(Laugh)

thefiddlerselbow · 07/01/2023 15:53

Excuse my typo... too lazy to look for my glasses!

Goldbar · 07/01/2023 16:01

I have a similar age child and I just say to them "Eyes the other way please, we give people privacy when they're getting changed or using the loo". It's not so much an issue now (they learn these things at school and DC1 is pretty good now), but it was more an issue when they were 3-4 and I was looking after other people's children as well and they'd all crowd into the same loo cubicle together without a second thought as to each other's privacy.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 16:05

thefiddlerselbow · 07/01/2023 15:52

"Oh sweetie, I'm just going to get changed, you might want to look the other way"

(laugh)

then at his Mum, with humour

"don't want to scar the poor h the poor lad for life!"

(Laugh)

Yes great! Thank you

OP posts:
Eightiesgirl · 07/01/2023 16:06

I understand that you don't want to seem rude and end up in a row with the mum, so you could always ask the mum if he's OK as he's just staring at you and you wonder if he wants something or is trying to tell you something. If someone had said this to me about my son it would have prompted me to tell him to turn around and stop staring at that lady. Maybe she hasn't noticed and needs telling outright but in a concerned way. It would annoy me too.

Holly60 · 07/01/2023 16:12

YetAnotherSpartacus · 07/01/2023 13:05

I'm amazed that so many here think that it's OK for a child to stare and not be corrected by a parent!

I don't really understand why it's not ok for a 4 year old to stare.

I would dislike an adult man to stare at me because I would worry that he was in some way a threat to me.

I don't think I would care about a 4 year old. Why does it matter? They would be looking at me in the same way they would stare at a television I guess. Why would it be a bother? What would you worry the staring meant?

EasterIsland · 07/01/2023 16:12

Why not say to the boy straight up “It’s rude to stare”. You don’t need to be loud or strict - just matter-of-fact.

Holly60 · 07/01/2023 16:13

crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 14:06

A 4 year old isn’t checking you out
I have already said this is not what I think

So what are you worrying about? Surely he is just staring at you in the same way he might stare at an inanimate object. He isn't doing it to intimidate you and he doesn't pose a threat.

Can't you just ignore it?

melj1213 · 07/01/2023 16:23

I don't know why you can't just tell the mum you don't like her son staring at you while you're changing.

Maybe try and catch her before you are changing - either as you arrive or leave - so firstly it's not in the moment (as it can feel more accusatory if said when the child is doing the behaviour) but also so it can be said ideally out of earshot of the child.

"Excuse me Oblivious Mum, there's no easy way to say this so I'll be frank, your son regularly stares at me while I'm trying to change. I know he's only little and means nothing by it but it makes me feel uncomfortable to be watched while I'm trying to get dressed and due to the open plan changing rooms there's nowhere I can go to avoid it. I would really appreciate it if you could speak to him or distract him from staring to make the situation less uncomfortable for me."

melj1213 · 07/01/2023 16:30

Holly60 · 07/01/2023 16:12

I don't really understand why it's not ok for a 4 year old to stare.

I would dislike an adult man to stare at me because I would worry that he was in some way a threat to me.

I don't think I would care about a 4 year old. Why does it matter? They would be looking at me in the same way they would stare at a television I guess. Why would it be a bother? What would you worry the staring meant?

Show quote history

Four years old is more than old enough to be told that it is inappropriate to stare at people/things in certain circumstances - one of which is when people are getting changed.

My DD would often stare at things as a small child but if it was inappropriate then I would correct her in the same way I would correct her if she was shouting indoors - there's nothing wrong with shouting in certain places but in other places it's inappropriate and it's my job to teach her this.

Also regardless of whether the child is staring with malicious intent (which they obviously aren't and the OP has acknowledged this) if it is making the OP uncomfortable then she has every right to voice that and ask the parent to stop them doing something that is making someone else feel uncomfortable.

All those staring men were children once and maybe if they were all taught at 4yo that it's rude to stare at women, especially when they're changing, then there would be less adult men who think staring is appropriate.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 16:40

Holly60 · 07/01/2023 16:12

I don't really understand why it's not ok for a 4 year old to stare.

I would dislike an adult man to stare at me because I would worry that he was in some way a threat to me.

I don't think I would care about a 4 year old. Why does it matter? They would be looking at me in the same way they would stare at a television I guess. Why would it be a bother? What would you worry the staring meant?

Show quote history

I don't feel that there is a sinister meaning. But anyone being stared at for 10 mins at close quarters would find it hard

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 16:43

I will definitely try the friendly jokey way first and then I will have something to refer back to if he does it again. I have nieces , nephews and god children all who of course have done this and been corrected. I just wanted help with phrasing or distraction techniques I hadn't thought of

OP posts:
Nursejackie1 · 07/01/2023 17:22

Just take no notice and get on with getting ready as you use a towelling robe thing I honestly don’t see the problem. He’s just a kid, they do weird stuff like this! I probably wouldn’t even notice. Surely the changing room has other spots where you wouldn’t be so much in direct eye line if you’re that bothered.
I wouldn’t risk upsetting him or getting into something with the mom, it’s not worth it.