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Original poster

Help with child in changing room

134 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 11:42

Hello mums please can you help?
I am a member of an inexpensive gym , so no private cubicles. At the moment, every time I go, I just happen to be on the same timetable as a mum with her 2 kids. The older one is a boy probably about 4 or 5. They come in and get changed and go swimming (I have come from the gym part) trouble is the boy stands and stares at me the whole time. And the mum never seems to notice. Its not his fault, he's little but the mum is not noticing. I've tried things like "hello are you excited about swimming" so the mum may notice and like most mums, ensure he is engaged elsewhere after a while. But she just leaves him there to stare and stare. Even if I turn my back , and try to dry/ change under my towel he is there when I turn back. The mum seems really nice but sort of immune to it. A few weeks ago, he wandered into the shower areas and turned one on, an older lady said "careful they come on hot and he's just put it on" and she was smiley and happy and said "he's been coming here since he was a baby, he knows all about how to do things here"
How can I gently correct him? I really don't feel comfortable being assertive with the mum directly (I know I'm a wimp) what would you do. To be clear, I love kids , this is not a grumpy thing. This is a 'I'm feeling more and more self conscious' thing

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 17:43

Nursejackie1 · 07/01/2023 17:22

Just take no notice and get on with getting ready as you use a towelling robe thing I honestly don’t see the problem. He’s just a kid, they do weird stuff like this! I probably wouldn’t even notice. Surely the changing room has other spots where you wouldn’t be so much in direct eye line if you’re that bothered.
I wouldn’t risk upsetting him or getting into something with the mom, it’s not worth it.

This is what I have been doing but he is staring all the time whatever I am doing, dressed or not. Wherever I move.

OP posts:
PAFMO · 07/01/2023 18:33

Nursejackie1 · 07/01/2023 17:22

Just take no notice and get on with getting ready as you use a towelling robe thing I honestly don’t see the problem. He’s just a kid, they do weird stuff like this! I probably wouldn’t even notice. Surely the changing room has other spots where you wouldn’t be so much in direct eye line if you’re that bothered.
I wouldn’t risk upsetting him or getting into something with the mom, it’s not worth it.

As you say, it's weird. And until they're told it's weird, they don't know. So they keep doing it. How old is he going to have to be until a woman is allowed to tell him that staring at her tits is inappropriate?

Nursejackie1 · 07/01/2023 18:37

@PAFMO the OP has said that she uses a towelling robe and nothing can be seen.

You assuming a four year old is “staring at her tits” is weirder than the kids staring to be honest. Gross.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 18:57

Anybody of any age staring at anyone for a prolonged period of time is not socially acceptable. At some point, children are taught this so they do not do it.
Like all the other things kids do that they have to be taught not to do.

OP posts:
Discovereads · 07/01/2023 19:01

I've tried things like "hello are you excited about swimming" so the mum may notice

So you’ve initiated conversations with the child…no wonder he looks at you now as he’s wondering if you’re going to recognise him and say hello. You should have ignored him from the start. Now your best bet is to simply acknowledge him with wave or smile and then get on with changing so he’s not keeping an eye on you waiting for you to recognise him.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 19:04

Discovereads · 07/01/2023 19:01

I've tried things like "hello are you excited about swimming" so the mum may notice

So you’ve initiated conversations with the child…no wonder he looks at you now as he’s wondering if you’re going to recognise him and say hello. You should have ignored him from the start. Now your best bet is to simply acknowledge him with wave or smile and then get on with changing so he’s not keeping an eye on you waiting for you to recognise him.

Nope. Not at all a realistic version of events. Started this after a long while of staring on several occasions

OP posts:
Jellycats4life · 07/01/2023 19:15

It would bother me too. Of course Mumsnetters can’t help but be rude to you about it though 🙄

If it were me, I’d smile at him and say “I don’t like people watching me while I’m getting changed sweetheart” and hope he would then go away. And then speak to the mum if he didn’t.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 19:27

Jellycats4life · 07/01/2023 19:15

It would bother me too. Of course Mumsnetters can’t help but be rude to you about it though 🙄

If it were me, I’d smile at him and say “I don’t like people watching me while I’m getting changed sweetheart” and hope he would then go away. And then speak to the mum if he didn’t.

Yes this is good too. I will report back how it goes!

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 07/01/2023 19:28

Waiting til they are gone is good. I will sit on the bench and go on my phone

Its extremely uncomfortable to be getting changed when someone has a phone with a camera out. Changing room is not the place to be on your phone. Many gym changing room have signs on the wall stating this.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 19:31

Notimeforaname · 07/01/2023 19:28

Waiting til they are gone is good. I will sit on the bench and go on my phone

Its extremely uncomfortable to be getting changed when someone has a phone with a camera out. Changing room is not the place to be on your phone. Many gym changing room have signs on the wall stating this.

Don't have my camera out. Don't have my phone out to do anything other than message or put my podcast back on. I don't need reminders of how to behave in a changing room. I'm a perfectly average, well functioning adult

OP posts:
BloodAndFire · 07/01/2023 20:47

crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 15:40

I am at an inexpensive gym already that suits me

Show quote history

Clearly it doesn't.

Caterpillar1990 · 07/01/2023 20:51

He’s 4 not 14, you’re being ridiculous

CorvusPurpureus · 07/01/2023 21:00

'Hello again' - what's his name, mum? - 'hi Darren.'

Next visit:
'Hello again Darren, can you not stare at people getting changed, it's rude.'
Mum: oi why are you telling Darren not to stare?
'Because it's rude to stare at people getting changed. I don't like it, & the other kids in his class won't like it when they're getting ready for PE.'

fajitaaaa · 07/01/2023 21:02

CorvusPurpureus · 07/01/2023 21:00

'Hello again' - what's his name, mum? - 'hi Darren.'

Next visit:
'Hello again Darren, can you not stare at people getting changed, it's rude.'
Mum: oi why are you telling Darren not to stare?
'Because it's rude to stare at people getting changed. I don't like it, & the other kids in his class won't like it when they're getting ready for PE.'

Don't go round asking kids names.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:15

BloodAndFire · 07/01/2023 20:47

Clearly it doesn't.

Show quote history

It does, and it has for longer than this has been happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:15

Caterpillar1990 · 07/01/2023 20:51

He’s 4 not 14, you’re being ridiculous

No, I'm not being ridiculous. Your comment isn't useful on a thread asking for specific advice.

OP posts:
MissHavershamReturns · 07/01/2023 21:21

I am looking forward to hearing how the mum reacts to the gentle steer op plans

FawnFrenchieMum · 07/01/2023 21:21

The mums on her own with two little kids, as long as ones quiet while she is getting herself and another child dressed, I doubt she’s even noticed he’s staring.
Hes a little boy ffs, just wait 10 mins or get it over it.

Silentsalamander · 07/01/2023 21:25

Would you mind so much if it was a 5 year old girl staring? If not, then you are sexualising a 5 year old boy and it’s odd.

Caterpillar1990 · 07/01/2023 21:25

crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:15

No, I'm not being ridiculous. Your comment isn't useful on a thread asking for specific advice.

Show quote history

Well I think you’re being ridiculous, as do many others looking at the replies. Are you always this uptight?

Catterpillarwithconverse · 07/01/2023 21:26

I think you should handle it by ignoring it and/or exercising your control in the situation by moving to a different part of the changing room.

I think you need to manage your expectations of children.

MissHavershamReturns · 07/01/2023 21:29

In a way what we are saying is helpful op. In that you want to avoid confrontation and we are showing you that lots of dms would not take kindly to the kind of comment you plan to make. There’s a risk you will end up feeling even more awkward after raising it than you do now.

Dc with autism stare quite a lot by the way. You may find you get some information you haven’t factored in about this child.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:29

Silentsalamander · 07/01/2023 21:25

Would you mind so much if it was a 5 year old girl staring? If not, then you are sexualising a 5 year old boy and it’s odd.

Yes I would mind exactly the same, boy or girl, changing room or cafe. It's the longevity etc

OP posts:
Nursejackie1 · 07/01/2023 21:30

There are far more band 5 nurses than band 6 and above. This is the salary most nurses receive. Can take years to climb the ladder.

Help with child in changing room
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/01/2023 21:30

Caterpillar1990 · 07/01/2023 21:25

Well I think you’re being ridiculous, as do many others looking at the replies. Are you always this uptight?

Show quote history

It's not uptight to feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
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