To feel everyone thinks they have a right to my unborn baby?

[PregnantBanana]

Baby is coming next week via induction for medical reasons. First baby and I’m crapping myself. Excited too but I’m an introvert and I’m finding everyone around me very overwhelming. Also first grandchild, first in my friend group etc.

I’m sure lots of you will feel I should be more grateful for the support but to be clear I do not have a close relationship with my family or my partners - they are all interested in baby and baby only.

MIL is already attempting to plan when our baby will meet her siblings and friends (also been sharing all of my medical info with her friends, she’s a doctor herself so should know better… she did this in front of me over Xmas as though I’m just a body carrying her grandchild)

My dad and stepmum want to be here as soon as she’s born (I have told them this isn’t going to happen and I need her safe in my arms before I plan anything)

An old friend booked flights to see us when baby is three weeks old without asking me

Mum (who I have a particularly strained relationship with) wants to be here ASAP as well and have made it clear she will have to wait until I’m ready.

except partners family nearly all
my family and friends live away from
us so no visits will just be popping in.

And so so so many messages and calls asking when I’m going in to have the baby from people I didn’t even realise knew I was being induced 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am a homebody, we typically don’t have many guests, the thought of having people coming and going from my tiny flat over the next few weeks fills me with dread.

Anyway that’s my rant really. Does everyone feel like this when they have a baby? I just feel like everyone including people I have little to do with in my everyday life, thinks they have some right to my baby before she’s even here and honestly I don’t want to share her before I’m ready. But also maybe this is normal and im supposed to suck it up?

No you dont have to suck it up, you Put very clear boundaries in and if people don't like it it's their problem. Eg no visitors until x date

Its so hard isn’t it? Bless you. If you feel you’re not ready then tell them that. When they come let them make themselves useful… they can make the tea, they can look after you. It all comes from love but can be overwhelming. Keep the visits short and spaced out. If you need to go to bed and have a sleep, leave your OH and visitors to look after baby for an hour. Sending you hugs xx

Unfortunately, unless you have very understanding family and friends, it's very normal. I remember feeling the same as you with my daughter. However, remember as annoying and overwhelming as it is, they're just excited.

You can absoloutley put a blanket 'no one is allowed over until we say' we had the rule, you were only allowed to come over to meet the baby if you brought food/offered to do dishes etc... Absoloutley no one was allowed to come and just hold the baby, have a cup of tea and then leave. Some family members were annoyed about it, but most were very understanding.

Also remember these are the people who you may need to ask for baby sitting in the future, seems like a long way off, but before you know it you'll be having fun nights out again.

Good luck with the little one, and while I'm here go look up the possum's sleep approach, it'll help the stress around the sleepless nights ❤️

People are excited and that’s lovely. I’d just do things so I was in control. So when you are ready, you give people set times to visit. No drop ins until you are ready. Stay in control but there’s something special about a new baby in a wider circle and understandable why people want to come snd visit.

No, I never felt like this. And I certainly never told family and friends that they could only come over if they brought food or helped out. Only on Mumsnet!

This is family excitement, in a few months it will calm down. I personally loved all the attention and gifts. It’s your first baby, it’s not the first baby ever, in a few months you will be glad for someone to visit so you can have a hot bath while someone holds baby for you.

People do get excited over babies when it's a first in the family. My mum said I was only the vessel carrying her grandchild 😑

Can you not tell everyone the date has changed and you're being induced a week later? Might stop them asking then and you have your baby in peace!

Take it one day at a time OP and see how you feel about visitors. Apart from my parents and my exs parents I took my children when born to visit ppl at their houses when I felt up to it. I could control when I left then and I didn't want ppl in my house.

You are right to protect your boundaries and ask your partner to do the same. Be clear on what you want. Space is going to be tight. You could arrange to meet out and about - walks in the parks, cafe's or the other persons house if you don't want people in your space.

The dynamic does change with a baby though and like you, we didn't have many guests in our house prior to having a baby. You will have midwives and health visitors coming to visit at the very least. It did feel a bit strange to me at an already vulnerable time.

We had a lot of guests over the first few months. We got used to it and now my children are primary age, our house is frequently full of children and adults with play dates and people dropping in. Our house feels like a family home to me now which does feel different.

You might feel like you want to show your beautiful baby off when they are born (I did)

Absolutely have boundaries but remember it takes a village to raise a child

Thanks everyone, at least I know I’m not going totally crazy over here and not the only one that’s felt like this!

Sadly regards the childcare/it takes a village comments I know this will be less than true in my case.

As I said in the original post, many of these people live significantly far away that that actually isn’t feasible, and in terms of my family for various reasons I wouldn’t leave the baby alone with them.

MIL has also expressed in several roundabout ways she doesn’t want to be involved in childcare.

I think if I felt these people were my village already I would be so much more okay with it all, but I know it’ll be a case of everyone being around for the first few weeks and then dropping off the radar.

Also just to clarify I do have people in my life whom I want to share things with and I DO have a support system - it’s just not actually these people.

I think we will have to manage things as they come but I just wish people would wait until she’s even here!!

Unless it's too late do NOT tell anyone the date of the induction... why do other people even need to know? When I had my baby (over 20 years ago) we only telephoned my DPs and DMIL after DS had safely arrived. Everyone else found out by birth announcement cards - you never see those these days .

Assert your boundaries .... but equally be open to the fact that you may need help and support.

If people turn up unannounced, just don't answer the door/phone to them. (Hopefully they can't see you through a window or something)
Tell the friend who booked flights without asking that it won't be possible and you don't have the space.
I understand the excitement, but how you feel too. Unlike some posters on here I don't like being the centre of attention and being made a fuss of, and I'd find it a nightmare. I know it seems like they weren't interested in you before and it's hurtful

We’ve only told our parents induction date (MIL dropping us to hospital) and didn’t seem fair for DPs parents to know and not mine. But they have all told a LOT of people - we didn’t specify not to tell
other people so perhaps should have thought of that but also I wouldn’t tell other people if someone else told
me their induction date etc (or anything medical/personal about their pregnancy). I see it as something quite private myself but obviously other people don’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bless you I think most pregnant mums feel the same way especially with your first. By my fourth nobody cared 😂 try to keep calm amid the crazy. No random visits in fact stay upstairs with baby for the first few days and just snuggle up and get to know him/her. Your partner can say you are both asleep and can't be disturbed.

It will tail off after a few weeks anyway just let it wash over you but stick to your boundaries

Yanbu. It's not OK being overwhelmed by visitors when you should be resting. They wouldn't do it to someone post op. You need your own time to recover with the baby.

I know this feeling, I'm due and I just know people who don't come to my home or even visit my children that are already here will come out of woodwork drives me potty just the thought of it to be honest. I will be tired and saying I'm busy if I'm not up to it 🙄

You're creating problems for yourself that don't have to exist, manufacturing resentments that aren't necessary. Honestly, you don't sound mature enough to have a baby.

It's normal for people to be interested in babies. You are incredibly lucky to have so much support in your life. If you don't understand that you're no longer the star of the show (you said people are only interested in the baby) then you're not ready for a baby.

This is one of those times in life when it's necessary to give yourself a talking-to.

It's completely fine to put boundaries in place around visits after the baby is born. It's important for the baby to have an extended family and family friends, so don't cut everyone off. But if you want to say, "no visits for the first week" or two weeks or whatever, that's fine. If you want people to find somewhere else to stay, that's fine. Just state what you can manage without manufacturing drama and finding reasons to be offended. You will drive people away otherwise and you will regret it.

It's possible your family sees the baby as a way to reconcile and have a better relationship with you. Even if they really don't care about you and only like babies, you have chosen to be a parent and that means putting the baby first. It's important for the baby to have these relationships with other people, so you need to stop getting dramatic and focus on that.

Wow don’t hold back 😂 I haven’t said I will be denying anybody a relationship with my child. Or denying visits! Just feeling overwhelmed by the messages/planning and presumptuous involvement from people who have not been there for us.

I appreciate the importance of family having a relationship with my child however, in this instance of my family - I have been doing the work to heal from the damage their relationships have caused me (alcoholism, narcissism etc). So I think I’ve a right to be wary of these people.

Partner has also had to do a lot of work to deal with how controlling his mother has been over the years. We aren’t manufacturing resentments - simply feeling very overwhelmed by the overbearing presence of people who have caused many problems in our lives over the years. And as a responsible parent I think it’s my job to regulate what contact they have with these people who were not safe people when we were children.

It is overwhelming and as someone who doesn’t particularly enjoy having visitors either, I feel your pain. However, parenting might be a bit like this from now on, not so intense but play dates, kids parties etc you have to relax over this stuff a bit. I’ve had to.

Anst, the first para of this is beyond rude. You know nothing about the OP.

I was the same as you. I didn't want anyone near me.

I took a couple of photos on day 1, and sent them to everyone with a pretty blunt email saying, 'all ok, meet ds, now I'm going to nest for a week so see you later.'

Then I didn't answer the door or any 'kind' messages saying 'we'll just pop round.'

Make your wishes clear now, and stick to them. Your baby, your recovery, your rules.

Ignore the silly comments op most of us completely understand how overwhelming pregnancy can be and how other people's reaction to you can be irritating snd too much but honestly things will all sort themselves out in time xxx

Funnily enough the idea of play dates and parties don’t really bother me. I work in the kids party industry and I can’t wait for my child/children to grow up and have friends. My feeling overwhelmed is more in these first few weeks when it’s all new to us, visits from people who otherwise don’t want much to do with our lives and are pushing us to make plans before we are ready!

MintJulia

That's a fabulous idea loving the nest for a week.