To feel everyone thinks they have a right to my unborn baby?

[PregnantBanana]

Baby is coming next week via induction for medical reasons. First baby and I’m crapping myself. Excited too but I’m an introvert and I’m finding everyone around me very overwhelming. Also first grandchild, first in my friend group etc.

I’m sure lots of you will feel I should be more grateful for the support but to be clear I do not have a close relationship with my family or my partners - they are all interested in baby and baby only.

MIL is already attempting to plan when our baby will meet her siblings and friends (also been sharing all of my medical info with her friends, she’s a doctor herself so should know better… she did this in front of me over Xmas as though I’m just a body carrying her grandchild)

My dad and stepmum want to be here as soon as she’s born (I have told them this isn’t going to happen and I need her safe in my arms before I plan anything)

An old friend booked flights to see us when baby is three weeks old without asking me

Mum (who I have a particularly strained relationship with) wants to be here ASAP as well and have made it clear she will have to wait until I’m ready.

except partners family nearly all
my family and friends live away from
us so no visits will just be popping in.

And so so so many messages and calls asking when I’m going in to have the baby from people I didn’t even realise knew I was being induced 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am a homebody, we typically don’t have many guests, the thought of having people coming and going from my tiny flat over the next few weeks fills me with dread.

Anyway that’s my rant really. Does everyone feel like this when they have a baby? I just feel like everyone including people I have little to do with in my everyday life, thinks they have some right to my baby before she’s even here and honestly I don’t want to share her before I’m ready. But also maybe this is normal and im supposed to suck it up?

I would ask them your bishops score before agreeing to be induced.

if it’s very low I would go straight to section.

I think you need to send your mother-in-law quite a strong message. Hi MIL, I heard you telling people about my medical history. As you might expect I want to keep that private so please don't tell anyone anything like that again.

Chiming in a bit late but also agree that the village thing is BS. Villages are famous for idiots. In my experience babies are weird, floppy, sleepy things for the first three weeks and then they wake up. Basically, they suck you in and make you think “Oh, what a cutie - we’ve got this!”They scream and yell and freak you out and f with your head and THAT’S when you need help and everyone’s lost interest. Tell your friend that you’re going to be overwhelmed by it all and won’t have time for at least four or five months to have a shower or talk about anything other than weird personal bodily functions. Tell her to rock up then, and the baby will be more engaging and you will be too. MIL’s relatives can get to fuck. Baby is not a a performing seal. Neither are your nipples. You get to decide who comes to hospital. You will share photos and family can share them if you allow them. Otherwise, everyone can fuck right off. Ask me about baby’s first Christmas if you like. Big hugs.

I would be concerned about people putting photos and announcements on social media. I have read on MN about grandparents doing this even when told not to. Your boundaries and feelings are already being trampled on.
You will need to heal and rest. If you were in hospital then the midwives and rules would sort that for you. At home your oh needs to manage that.

I really hope that in the end your visitors put you before themselves and respect your wishes.

I hope everything goes will with little ones arrival OP.

I would just send a photo of your child to the family with a little message saying,

"Welcome to the world xxxxxx. Born xxx weight xxx. Now to spend a week or two nesting with my precious family. We will be in touch when we are ready for visitors but for now, please respect our need to be in a cocoon with our newborn during these early days"

My mil announced both the gender and name of my baby whilst I was still in surgery. To this day it created a bone of contention between me and husband because I maintain its common sense not to announce someone else's birth before they do and he says I wasn't explicit enough. 🤨 It really took the shine out as I had all the exciting announcements taken away and was left with the aftermath pain of surgery.

LIE!
tell them the induction date has been moved back a week as a midwife got the dates wrong.
Let them all fume and blame the non existent midwife.

You poor thing, it does seem like you have been forgotten in all this.

Time for your partner to step up!
He is the gatekeeper to visits to the baby.
Literally turning people away if you are asleep/ establishing breastfeeding/ just don't feel like it

I felt like this and in the end no one really turned up until a week later for cultural and religious recognition.

The enthusiasm for the baby seemed to quickly dissipate after the birth

I would be putting a polite WhatsApp group message out saying we will contact everyone once we get our bearings bond with baby and most importantly when you feel up to it!

Good idea. Also, if people are travelling some distance to visit you need to make it very clear that you aren't putting them up. Give them the names of a couple of bed and breakfasts/airbnbs/hotels that they can book.

On the day of your induction both of you need to switch your phones off and maintain radio silence until you are ready to contact people with a news update.

Basically, you both need to maintain your boundaries from day one.

Good luck and best wishes for a safe delivery

To be honest this has always been completely normal in my area. I embraced it. I had an emergency Caesarean, if you had one you'd be glad to have people visiting often. So I wouldn't be too harsh in trying to get rid.

It depends if the visitors are there to help or hinder @EmilyGilmoresSass

Awwww god I would be furious! I think create the WhatsApp group anyway and maybe text or email your parents separately? Don’t do anything you do not feel comfortable with if anyone kicks up be firm and say “look this is very much so stressing me out so if that’s what you wanted we’ll done!”

I expect that will shut them all up as I done that in the end the competition of families meeting the baby first was bonkers!!! And it ruined a lot!!!

A few kids later got soo much stronger and said NO now no one even asks!! As I just say no I don’t give any explanations either anymore I’m due again in the summer and my firm boundaries will remain just the same! Lol

YANBU

I hate the whole “you should be grateful” sh*t because xyz.

You know yourself, and how you feel. It doesn’t always change simply because you have had a baby. I’m a friendly, chatty person, but when I’m uncomfortable and/or in pain I want to be left alone. I don’t want people hovering around me and definitely not in my own home that I consider my sanctuary from the world. If it and they are going to stress you out as they already are then you do not need them around.

Had a traumatic birth where we were verbally abused by medical staff and I was coerced into a medically unnecessary induction with still birth stats and being told I was killing my baby when their own tests said things were normal (not saying that is the case with yours). Last thing I needed was to deal with guests in our home. Here comes the in-laws who didn’t get a hotel and stayed in our home where there was only one bathroom for five days. Two of the four adults have IBS! They had no interest in visiting us until a baby came along and I had never been left alone with them until then.

Was asked in my own home when I would be done in the shower after five minutes when I had asked before I went in if anyone needed the loo! I was getting up the courage to do my injections having never done one in my life and had been instructed to do them while my skin was wet. I ended up waiting until in-laws went out of the house to go grab a coffee/have a pint or the late nights when everyone was sleeping to shower so I wouldn’t be interrupted and have a silent cry because it was too much even though I spent a good chunk in the bedroom so I could nurse in private. I can never get those days back. The relief I felt when they left was like a massive weight was lifted from my shoulders and I could finally breath. I cried happy tears. DH apologised later for it.

When we were pregnant with our second and that firm in my memory, a two week ban of guests and visitors was made (easy since they live hours away) and if anyone had an issue with it, they didn’t say anything to us and frankly I wouldn’t have cared.

It is possible you may change your mind after the baby is born but it is better to go off that you won’t than to be stuck in a situation you are not comfortable with.

Adding to the relationship bits, our boys have great relationships with family despite them not being there when they were born or the first few weeks and it’s crazy to think babies care who was there first or held them, only adults care about it and selfishly at that.

It might be overwhelming but just take a few minutes to consider the alternatives. Imagine noone being interested, noone wanting to coo over your baby. Noone wanting to give you presents and be happy for you.

Get your dh to be the gatekeeper. I remember having great grandparents and grandparents visit. They all cooed and had a little cuddle and made a fuss and then i took baby upstairs to feed and stayed there. Dh entertained them and pointed out that i had given birth 3 days ago.
There is a middle ground to be trod is all i am saying.

Yes agree with this. Had to do similar with mine. She's weirdly obsessed with my medical issues even though she's not remotely interested in anything else about me. I don't think she even knows where I work.

People are excited because they live you and will love your baby.

They will also calm down.

Get dh to start answering the messages (only if he agrees to share info about the baby and say that you will be in touch in the next few weeks when you are ready for visitors.

When I had my first child it was so stressful - everyone was aggressively falling over themselves to 'meet' him and I felt completely overwhelmed.

He is 15 now and none of them were any fucking use to me or him as he grew.

I am no contact with most of my family and regret how I allowed them to pressure me.

Have hubby pop everyone into a WhatsApp group. Pop your phone away or turn it onto airplane mode. Then he can send the message “baby x is here, mother and baby doing well. We will contact individually when we are up for visitors”.

Everyone is different but you need to be clear in your boundaries now so that expectations can be set. I had everyone around pretty early on and then managed to have a week as a family before Christmas 😖.

Induction does not always lead to further interventions 🙄 I've had two completely straight forwarded inductions with precisely zero further interference after the drip was in. Both babies born within 6 hours. One stitch after DS1 and that was it. I hope you are as lucky as I was!
Secondly, how quickly sundry family members get their hands on a child has no bearing on what the relationship will be as the child grows. My MIL and BIL were at my hospital bed the day after DS was born, agitating for a hold and their photo for social media as I was trying to breastfeed. Neither particularly bother with any of us so me sucking it up whe I was deeply uncomfortable for the sake of sons family relationships was pointless.
I learned that actually the whole giving birth business is very much about me and I wouldn't tolerate being treated like the vessel again. No woman should have to.

The problem is they're making it all about them. At a stretch, them and the baby. Not you - the mother, who is just as important as the new baby. Unhelpful visitors who just want to pass around the baby - often regardless of baby or mother's wellbeing - aren't welcome.

Im due end of the month with my second. People will visit when we're ready. My best friend will look after our toddler, my other friends are my village and will come round when we want, make their own cups of tea, play with toddler etc. FIL is flying in and staying nearby for two weeks because he's lovely and very helpful and will take care of us as well as meeting new baby...

Keep your boundaries OP because you only get those precious few weeks once,

Your partner?

Time for them to step up and protect you and take this anxiety you do NOT need away.

They need to make an announcement stating what is and is not going to happen.

And don't share any more private information with nosy relatives and aquaintances.

you were only allowed to come over to meet the baby if you brought food/offered to do dishes etc... Absoloutley no one was allowed to come and just hold the baby, have a cup of tea and then leave.

WTF?! 😂

@Antst what a horrible and rude comment! Please give yourself a talking to!

Op please ignore this poster they are purely out too be nasty!

I felt exactly the same when my first was born (14 years ago) and I still remember the feelings to this day. I hated it. I just wanted to be left alone. I think nerves for the birth played a part too. I hated my PIL coming to visit at hospital the day after. They brought an enormous teddy bear in a box. I was still recovering from a very long labour and I wanted them to go. We also had people ‘pop round’ the days after i got home. I remember having to sit on the floor (I’d had an episiotomy too!). I hated it. Weirdly when I had my second 6 years later I didn’t have those thoughts and feelings but by then I think the ‘first baby in the family/friend group) had worn off and it was soooooo much nicer and better. My advice would be to say no visitors at hospital ….then maybe just your parents and his parents the week after just for s short visit. Then say no visitors for the next two weeks to allow you to recover avd for you both to enjoy the time getting to know baby.
I wish I’d done that. I developed PND after the birth of my first. It’s not a particularly nice memory and I still feel sad about that
good luck and it’s all worth it in the end xx

Newborn babies only need their parents and more specifically their mothers for a few weeks to months. They don't form any relationships with wider family for quite a long time. While it's obviously nice to let people meet the baby, it makes no difference to longer term relationships. Realistically there won't be a close relationship with people who live far away unless you can manage to meet up several times a year.
So if you really don't want lots of visitors, start with the ones who live close enough and/or will be involved in the baby's life, plus the ones you actually want to see. Once they've been, politely fob the others off until you are ready.
I think you do have to accept an increased level of interest from grandparents over the longer term which can obviously be fantastic for everyone. Most of the others will rapidly lose interest by the child's first birthday
It's really just about communication and about putting your child first and being willing to assert yourself if necessary. Letting loads of visitors descend and hand a newborn baby around is not in the baby's best interests. If you just let them because you're too worried about upsetting them, that's not great parenting really. If you think about it like that, it may be easier to assert yourself.