To feel everyone thinks they have a right to my unborn baby?

[PregnantBanana]

Baby is coming next week via induction for medical reasons. First baby and I’m crapping myself. Excited too but I’m an introvert and I’m finding everyone around me very overwhelming. Also first grandchild, first in my friend group etc.

I’m sure lots of you will feel I should be more grateful for the support but to be clear I do not have a close relationship with my family or my partners - they are all interested in baby and baby only.

MIL is already attempting to plan when our baby will meet her siblings and friends (also been sharing all of my medical info with her friends, she’s a doctor herself so should know better… she did this in front of me over Xmas as though I’m just a body carrying her grandchild)

My dad and stepmum want to be here as soon as she’s born (I have told them this isn’t going to happen and I need her safe in my arms before I plan anything)

An old friend booked flights to see us when baby is three weeks old without asking me

Mum (who I have a particularly strained relationship with) wants to be here ASAP as well and have made it clear she will have to wait until I’m ready.

except partners family nearly all
my family and friends live away from
us so no visits will just be popping in.

And so so so many messages and calls asking when I’m going in to have the baby from people I didn’t even realise knew I was being induced 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am a homebody, we typically don’t have many guests, the thought of having people coming and going from my tiny flat over the next few weeks fills me with dread.

Anyway that’s my rant really. Does everyone feel like this when they have a baby? I just feel like everyone including people I have little to do with in my everyday life, thinks they have some right to my baby before she’s even here and honestly I don’t want to share her before I’m ready. But also maybe this is normal and im supposed to suck it up?

Oh I remember this! My mum was absolutely determined thats she'd meet the baby before my MIL. They live two streets away from each other in our home town. But my mum refused to travel with my mil (even though she's a lot older and hard of hearing) because she wanted to meet the baby first. Said it was 'protocol' like (I didn't know I was a royal).

It will all be fine. Dont worry

Just because you're being induced, just keep quiet about announcing the arrival

Dont feel pressure to respond to any calls or messages until you are ready

You need your husband to stand up for you and respect your wishes

Mine didnt. He invited random
Neighbours round against my wishes. Sfill unforgiven

@PinkFizz1 I think that's wise. Last thing new parents need is to have to make rounds of tea then clear them up. Guests should all contribute.

This is normal and fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at such things) the novelty wears off extremely quickly.

YANBU to only want visitors when you are ready, especially if you’re not close to them.

However, I voted YABU based on this point alone - about your friend booking her flight. She doesn’t have to ask your permission to book a flight. She can come back whenever she wants. If she’s booked the flight primarily to be with you, that’s nice isn’t it? I don’t know because you didn’t elaborate on this point.

I had my daughter on 22nd Dec after an induction. Mu partner and I made the decision not to tell anyone I was being induced, and called family the evening of her birth (she was born at 10.30am).

It's been tough keeping people away and I agree with posters who say set boundaries and don't tell anyone about the induction date! My induction took 4 days, I couldn't have coped with the badgering!

Wishing you the bet of luck with your new baba

You really need to be clear about the messages you're sending IMO. You are happy to involve MIL as a taxi service to hospital so you are making her a big kpart of it. You're not happy she tells people even though you haven't told her not to. Get a taxi or be clear about things! Stop telling everyone your business and medical history and then theres nothing to tell. Get a grip of the reins of your life now. Don't tell anyone they can only visit if they bring food or do dishes that's just weird! Good luck for the birth!

You absolutely don’t have to suck it up. It’s your baby not theirs. Your relatives sound very overbearing and you’ll need to be firm.

I disagree with all the people who say these people are being kind and it’s out of love for the child. They can’t possibly love a baby that isn’t theirs and isn’t born yet. They love the idea of a baby at this stage.

It’s appalling that mothers get disrespected so badly while people coo and obsess over the baby. As you say, it’s as though you’re seen as a body that’s there to provide them with a grandchild/ niece etc. It’s horrible that people come round, want to hold the baby and make cooing noises, and don’t have any interest at all in the mother’s welfare.

Mumsnet is so precious about this but what’s wrong with people being excited about a new baby? You should be lucky people care because I guarantee that you’d feel crap if nobody was interested! What’s the harm in introducing a baby to a few people? The newborn stage is both easy and boring so they’re portable and easy to introduce to people and you’ll probably be desperate for the social interaction.

God it drives me mad. Like people were trying to claw my baby out of me to be the first to get their hands on him.

Just do not promise anything "we won't want visitors straight away. I'll let you know when we're ready." Just repeat. Do not let people ruin that time for you. It is yours and your child's. No one else's.

Because people forget the mother is a medical patient. Breastfeeding complicated things, I would not have bf in front of my dad or FIL, so when they were sat in my lounge for hours and I had to keep taking the baby out for feeds it annoyed me. I was mentally drained from a 10 day hospital stay and just wanted to catch up on sleep and gets to grips with feeding, not make polite chit chat with relatives. They all said they’d ‘only stay half an hour’ and ‘bring us some food’ but none of them did - they all ended up parked on our sofa for up to 5 hours (yep), PIL brought frozen pizzas which they proceeded to cook and eat with us I couldn’t have given a shit about their excitement tbh, I was knackered

Yep often it isn’t ‘excitement’ as such but competition between parents and in laws.

We set a "No visitors for first 10 days" rule.

Make sure people aren't expecting to stay with you! They can stay elsewhere and visit. Offer no hospitality. They can make you tea, and cook for you.

Nothing wrong with being excited. It’s telling the parents when they’re coming by and what they’re going to do instead of asking if it’s ok. Too many don’t consider how the mother may actually feel or be up to as if she doesn’t warrant a thought along with the baby she just delivered. It’s one of the reasons too many new mothers feel pushed out or like vessels after they’ve had children. People can be excited while letting the parents know they’re there for them and able to help if needed. Not a difficult concept.

My in laws wanted to descend en masse with bottles of champagne after my second. I was still trying to cope with some life threatening health issues, compounded by useless NHS care, as well as the usual post birth stuff. Plus wasn't allowed to drink. All they thought about was celebrating the new baby. They didn't ask how I was. I explained the situation and they were fine to delay the party for a couple of weeks. No big deal but you have to speak up as new babies have a strange effect on people and they forget about the mother completely

Becoming a mother is a good time to change your personality to one that’s more abrupt with people. Start saying your feelings out loud when they happen. You can always blame the hormones if you overstep 😉

How's she gonna do that when she's asked his mum to take them to the hospital and pick them up?

Would people really abandon the familiar comforts of home when immediately postpartum for an unknown and inconvenient b&b, rather than avoid a frank conversation with their inlaws and family? 🫢

How many babies have you given birth to?

Tbh no most people aren’t so insular so aren’t this worked up about normal levels of excitement over a baby.

Id really have a think about how you’re going to manage this going forward as I feel a bit bad for your future child dealing with such a closed off parent, don’t make their world small just because that’s how you like yours

I’m another one who had inductions with no interventions like forceps/ c section.
I wouldn’t personally think that an induction date was personal medical info, I think you’re being a bit unfair there.
the friend who has booked a flight are they planning to stay in your house?
tbh when your first arrives it is quite nice to have visitors, they usually bring presents/ cakes and something to do rather than the monotony of childcare. When you have subsequent children nobody cares and you get no special treatment whatsoever😆