To feel everyone thinks they have a right to my unborn baby?

[PregnantBanana]

Baby is coming next week via induction for medical reasons. First baby and I’m crapping myself. Excited too but I’m an introvert and I’m finding everyone around me very overwhelming. Also first grandchild, first in my friend group etc.

I’m sure lots of you will feel I should be more grateful for the support but to be clear I do not have a close relationship with my family or my partners - they are all interested in baby and baby only.

MIL is already attempting to plan when our baby will meet her siblings and friends (also been sharing all of my medical info with her friends, she’s a doctor herself so should know better… she did this in front of me over Xmas as though I’m just a body carrying her grandchild)

My dad and stepmum want to be here as soon as she’s born (I have told them this isn’t going to happen and I need her safe in my arms before I plan anything)

An old friend booked flights to see us when baby is three weeks old without asking me

Mum (who I have a particularly strained relationship with) wants to be here ASAP as well and have made it clear she will have to wait until I’m ready.

except partners family nearly all
my family and friends live away from
us so no visits will just be popping in.

And so so so many messages and calls asking when I’m going in to have the baby from people I didn’t even realise knew I was being induced 🤦🏻‍♀️

I am a homebody, we typically don’t have many guests, the thought of having people coming and going from my tiny flat over the next few weeks fills me with dread.

Anyway that’s my rant really. Does everyone feel like this when they have a baby? I just feel like everyone including people I have little to do with in my everyday life, thinks they have some right to my baby before she’s even here and honestly I don’t want to share her before I’m ready. But also maybe this is normal and im supposed to suck it up?

Ignore all the messages

I like this sound of this - may have to modify a bit as my people won’t be popping and will have to plan with them when to visit but a week sounds like just the right amount of time to find my feet as long as the birth goes well. But thinking I’ll be deferring communication to my other half as well to take to pressure off!

I agree with@Antst . Yabu if your partner has issues with his mother then why are you using her to get you to the hospital. You are having an induction, assuming baby doesn't make an appearance before that why couldn't you have got a taxi? That way you could have announced her birth and messaged that you would not be having visitors until x amount of weeks. You've also said you have a support system so you could have asked anyone of them to give you a lift.

If they truly are narcissistic or whatever then why continue any form of relationship? Is there a reason you won't go lc or nc? Is it very difficult for you to just be firm? Ignore messages when you are in labour and announce when you want to.

Yanbu to feel overwhelmed by the sudden interest but as presumably an adult you need to get a grip and start exerting your own boundaries. This will do you a world of good going forward too as people who overstep will try to do so continuously and you need to have ways to manage.

This is a fair point.

You don't want his mum to meet your baby but you're happy for her to be your personal taxi.

Just get the bus

@PregnantBanana, it's a pity you didn't spend even a couple of minutes thinking about what I said and instead leapt straight to getting offended and dramatic.

You need to calm way down. As a parent, you cannot be spending time and energy on drama and it is not fair if your drama drives people out of the baby's life.

Try some self-reflection. I'm genuinely trying to help here. You need to stop the drama.

@Bobbydazzla, it's not rude at all. It's reality. She is here to discuss her situation. If she is not mature enough to hear what people have to say and to consider whether it might improve the situation, she is not mature enough to be a parent.

I'm a little concerned for the baby because if she drives everyone away, the baby won't get to have the relationships and support that are so healthy for kids.

I think sadly in this situation we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. If we cut people out that would be selfish for denying family a relationship with our child/children. If I keep these people around I am somehow awful for daring to feel stressed out by their sudden interest. Overall I would say we do have minimal contact with our families - hence why this is all very overwhelming.

Partner has agreed to MIL (between the two of them) dropping and picking us up from hospital - not my favourite idea but not my place to meddle in their relationship either. And whilst she can be very controlling I trust her to drive us more than a stranger in a taxi if I’m honest. So happy to go with it as we don’t drive (we live in London so no urgent need to either)

Of course we will announce when we are ready, and I haven’t said I’m not setting boundaries (I have made it clear to all we won’t be committing to anything until baby is here) - just that I feel very overwhelmed by it all.

That’s stressing me out just reading it. You HAVE to be tough here and tell everyone that you’re not having ANY visitors until X time.

I wasn’t tough when I had my first and when I got home from hospital MIL was literally waiting on my doorstep with her other grandkids (who were 3 year old twins at the time). It was horrendous, I walked into my house with a newborn baby following by screaming kids running around, one of whom decided to smack my hours old baby on the head.

BE TOUGH

Sadly I think some are missing the point. I’m not cutting anyone out or even denying contact! I simply feel very overwhelmed by the expectations of people whom I do not usually have around. I have taken on board lots of suggestions and also already made it clear to people that I won’t be making plans until the baby is here.

i came here to have a vent and see how other parents have coped in similar situations. Not everyone has simple or straightforward family situation and navigating that can be hard.

I felt exactly the same with my first. It really annoyed me, I felt like an incubator! My MIL was the worst. Turns out she was all talk though, she was so uninterested after the first few visits and now she barely speaks to my children.

it will pass.

I would also say, be grateful for it. People are just excited for you and if you’re the first, they won’t remember what it’s like (if they’re older and have their own) or they literally don’t know as they’ve never done it. They think they’re being excited and supportive. Try and give them a break, and be grateful for the interest. Nobody gives a shit when it’s your second! X

With your first baby, it's natural to feel ott protective and I remember feeling horribly that others were making decisions for me. By the time I had my 3rd and I was getting the other end of the spectrum ("do you know what contraception is?" - well no actually because pregnancy after 2 ivf babies and 10 years of no results is not expected!), I realised that I'd much rather have people excited about my baby than not. Try and embrace it and you'll feel better. That's not to say you can't have boundaries, but I'd say to family - this is our bonding time. I'm happy for you to visit but if it becomes stressful for me then don't be offended if I ask you to leave and come back another day (especially day 3 pp when your hormones drop and someone eating your biscuit will be the end of the world...). I didn't see if your friend is getting a hotel but she's traveling a way to support you and to welcome the most precious thing - keep that thought foremost.

Ignore the poster calling you not mature enough to have a baby. What the actual f 😂😂😂

I would love to feel more grateful for their excitement and it’s something I need to remind myself in the rough moments over the next few weeks! I just hope it doesn’t push into the realms of being controlling which it has with a number of these people already!

re my friend she will be in a hotel (we don’t have room to host at all, 1 bed in London!) but it’s the feeling of obligation to spend a lot of time with her whilst she is here before I’m ready to spend a long time with anyone because she’s come all that way. I totally get it’s come from a good place with her in particular and she thinks it’s the supportive thing to do. I just don’t think it’s occurred to her how much pressure it puts on a new parent.

Luckily I’ve got a thick skin and know I’m going to be the best parent I can! But doesn’t seem like these people realise what saying that could do to someone just days away from birth! Potentially v. Damaging.

People should be offering to help without demanding anything from you. I have one grand child and we wouldn't dream of pushing ourselves on my son and dil. We visited when they asked and we took food and cleaned up.
If they had asked us to wait a week or longer of course we would have. What's wrong with these entitied people. As for visiting a new born with toddlers Christ

I'd just kindly remind her that she booked without asking (even if it sounds rude saying it, she was rude to not ask) see her occasionally but make it clear that you're tired/not up to it on certain days, and just keep reinforcing that if she tries to push you to change your mind.

Your partner needs to be on the same page as you. Once the baby is here, in the first weeks at least, your job will be to look after the baby and heal your body, and his job will be to look after you and the house. That means givIng you time and space to rest and breastfeed if you want, doing the nappies and bottles if you’re bottle feeding, making sure there is nutritious food when you need it, and keeping the house clean and with as many or few visitors as you want.

I strongly advise you to have these conversations with him now, and form strategies on how he will keep you safe and comfortable while you are recovering.

Btw, inductions are hard and more painful than a naturally started birth, so think about which pain relief you’re comfortable with. I thought gas and air were marvellous .

Sadly I think some are missing the point. I’m not cutting anyone out or even denying contact! I simply feel very overwhelmed by the expectations of people whom I do not usually have around. I have taken on board lots of suggestions and also already made it clear to people that I won’t be making plans until the baby is here.

OP, I think you’re absolutely right, anyone saying you should be grateful is missing the point and anyone accusing you of preventing relationships with your baby is also mistaken.

I’m a neonatal nurse, if you haven’t already, read up on the theory of the 4th trimester. Babies just want their mothers, they don’t want to be passed around a room full of strangers (to them). It doesn’t matter how excited people are to meet them, there’s the rest of their lives to build relationships if that is what they want. You’re absolutely right to not want every family member round!

I wish I’d stood my ground a bit more with this for my baby. With my second I will definitely set more boundaries. The visits I did appreciate were those from family/friends who visited after my partner’s paternity leave was over. They’d hold my baby while I showered or they’d come over with lunch, with no expectation to sit cuddling my baby all afternoon.

Honestly, you don't sound mature enough to have a baby.

Don’t be a dick.

You’re absolutely right. We have talked about this lots of times over the pregnancy and he knows what his role will be in the first few weeks! He’s very supportive and will help reinforce whatever boundaries we decide to put in place. I also think it’s hard to know exactly what/who you will want before baby is here hence why we would
like people to wait until we’re ready to make plans (which isn’t what they are doing sadly)

And yes of course, inductions are notorious! Gas and air will be my top choice but I won’t be ruling anything out if it gets her here safely!

Most of the people who came to see my first baby have never visited again and are definitely not involved in helping raise the child!

Apart from close family, visiting new babies with a gift is just what people do. It's lovely to have people come round but it most certainly doesn't mean they'll be coming again.

Most of my visitors were very polite, made tea, brought gifts, didn't stay too long. I really enjoyed having them . My partner doesn't really like visitors and found it a bit much, but it doesn't last very long. The only ones who caused (minor) irritation by overstaying and interfering were the parents and in laws.

However we didn't have anyone stay over or drop in. They came at pre arranged times.

If you read my original post you would see my issue with mil is not HER meeting the baby but her trying to make plans for her siblings to meet the baby before she is even born. I have met her siblings a handful of times over the 5 years I’ve been with my partner and am in no rush for her make those plans without talking to me about it first. (my other half is not close to his aunt and uncle either)

If this has never happened to you then you have no idea how minimising and overwhelming it feels.

I sat through a big family meal with IL extended family where I was treated like a vessel. No one asked me so much as how I felt as they planned everything to do with my unborn child, from it's sex to how they wanted the nursery, and how often they would see it.
I said nothing for an hour and then loudly overrode all the discussion by announcing I was moving back to my home country.
That shut them up.

I had similar issues for many years, particularly with MIL overstepping, but they were always wary that I might carry out my threat.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.. and "no" is a complete sentence. As long as you say it with a smile it shouldn't offend.
It's YOUR child.

Can you partner not take on the role of managing people and managing boundaries?
once you’ve given birth you could be exhausted, emotional drained and find it hard to keep boundaries.
I would agree some boundaries before hand and make it his job to enforce them.

I had to be very strict with my parents. Told them I didn’t want them at the hospital. Low and behold (is it low or Loe!?) they turned up. They just had to stay waiting down stairs until I was wanting to see them and then they only came in for a few minutes.

I think when you give birth/have a newborn you need the people around you who are supportive and helpful. If people haven’t been that before they can’t suddenly expect to step in the role just because you have a baby due.

thing is this will be all be temporary. Once the baby is a bit older it’ll all go back to normal.

I also didn't tell anyone any c section or induction dates... No one knew anything until baby was safely born and had first feed etc.