Page 3 | To feel everyone thinks they have a right to my unborn baby?

PregnantBanana · 2023-01-07T06:28:55+00:00

Baby is coming next week via induction for medical reasons. First baby and I’m crapping myself. Excited too but I’m an introvert and I’m finding everyone around me very overwhelming. Also first grandchild, first in my friend group etc. I’m sure lots of you will feel I should be more grateful for the support but to be clear I do not have a close relationship with my family or my partners - they are all interested in baby and baby only. MIL is already attempting to plan when our baby will meet her siblings and friends (also been sharing all of my medical info with her friends, she’s a doctor herself so should know better… she did this in front of me over Xmas as though I’m just a body carrying her grandchild) My dad and stepmum want to be here as soon as she’s born (I have told them this isn’t going to happen and I need her safe in my arms before I plan anything) An old friend booked flights to see us when baby is three weeks old without asking me Mum (who I have a particularly strained relationship with) wants to be here ASAP as well and have made it clear she will have to wait until I’m ready. except partners family nearly all my family and friends live away from us so no visits will just be popping in. And so so so many messages and calls asking when I’m going in to have the baby from people I didn’t even realise knew I was being induced 🤦🏻♀️ I am a homebody, we typically don’t have many guests, the thought of having people coming and going from my tiny flat over the next few weeks fills me with dread. Anyway that’s my rant really. Does everyone feel like this when they have a baby? I just feel like everyone including people I have little to do with in my everyday life, thinks they have some right to my baby before she’s even here and honestly I don’t want to share her before I’m ready. But also maybe this is normal and im supposed to suck it up?

gogohmm · 07/01/2023 08:42

Try to channel their excitement to get them to do things that will help you eg meals, making drinks, walking up and down with baby so you can enjoy a bath or shower. They are all really happy for you and life is far easier if you have the support of family and friends. Try to schedule visits do they aren't all at the same time, and be strict with them, they wait on you! Get them to work with cleaning, washing l, send them to the shops etc.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 07/01/2023 08:43

Antst · 07/01/2023 07:31

You're creating problems for yourself that don't have to exist, manufacturing resentments that aren't necessary. Honestly, you don't sound mature enough to have a baby.

It's normal for people to be interested in babies. You are incredibly lucky to have so much support in your life. If you don't understand that you're no longer the star of the show (you said people are only interested in the baby) then you're not ready for a baby.

This is one of those times in life when it's necessary to give yourself a talking-to.

It's completely fine to put boundaries in place around visits after the baby is born. It's important for the baby to have an extended family and family friends, so don't cut everyone off. But if you want to say, "no visits for the first week" or two weeks or whatever, that's fine. If you want people to find somewhere else to stay, that's fine. Just state what you can manage without manufacturing drama and finding reasons to be offended. You will drive people away otherwise and you will regret it.

It's possible your family sees the baby as a way to reconcile and have a better relationship with you. Even if they really don't care about you and only like babies, you have chosen to be a parent and that means putting the baby first. It's important for the baby to have these relationships with other people, so you need to stop getting dramatic and focus on that.

This is bollocks. Perhaps Antst is your MIL.. 🤔

Nowthenhere · 07/01/2023 08:44

From what I see, many of these people invade the bonding time for mum and dad to be with their baby and after a few months you rarely see them for help.
Same people who just suddenly turn up when you're half undressed and learning to latch a baby with laundry pile mounting are expected to be waited on by you.
I would personally review the induction idea, discuss with your consultant other options because inductions always lead to other interventions (c-section, forceps) which will risk need for baby needing to being admitted. If your baby is admitted, you need to be clear with partner that no one/only he can stay and no visitors. I've lost count of the mums I've heard of being the last to meet their baby/family visiting baby before mum was well enough.
You could just stay in an AirBnB after baby is born and not tell any family/friends where you and dad are? Enjoy at least a week of baby bliss?
Set boundaries for your family, you don't get this time again.

Original poster

PregnantBanana · 07/01/2023 08:45

Ginsloth · 07/01/2023 08:30

Sadly I think some are missing the point. I’m not cutting anyone out or even denying contact! I simply feel very overwhelmed by the expectations of people whom I do not usually have around. I have taken on board lots of suggestions and also already made it clear to people that I won’t be making plans until the baby is here.

OP, I think you’re absolutely right, anyone saying you should be grateful is missing the point and anyone accusing you of preventing relationships with your baby is also mistaken.

I’m a neonatal nurse, if you haven’t already, read up on the theory of the 4th trimester. Babies just want their mothers, they don’t want to be passed around a room full of strangers (to them). It doesn’t matter how excited people are to meet them, there’s the rest of their lives to build relationships if that is what they want. You’re absolutely right to not want every family member round!

I wish I’d stood my ground a bit more with this for my baby. With my second I will definitely set more boundaries. The visits I did appreciate were those from family/friends who visited after my partner’s paternity leave was over. They’d hold my baby while I showered or they’d come over with lunch, with no expectation to sit cuddling my baby all afternoon.

Thank you for your input - yes I absolutely have read up about the fourth trimester and was something we covered quite extensively in my antenatal classes too. Baby doesn’t even know she’s a seperate entity from the mother - so must be overwhelming for them too!

And I agree that these relationships have years to develop - why the need for everyone to come all at once right at the beginning? I think I would feel less frustrated by some of them if I felt they intended to be involved and develop the relationship later but sadly I think our parents see our baby as their achievement but, probably won’t be as involved as a lot of grandparents are.

OP posts:

Original poster

PregnantBanana · 07/01/2023 08:49

Nowthenhere · 07/01/2023 08:44

From what I see, many of these people invade the bonding time for mum and dad to be with their baby and after a few months you rarely see them for help.
Same people who just suddenly turn up when you're half undressed and learning to latch a baby with laundry pile mounting are expected to be waited on by you.
I would personally review the induction idea, discuss with your consultant other options because inductions always lead to other interventions (c-section, forceps) which will risk need for baby needing to being admitted. If your baby is admitted, you need to be clear with partner that no one/only he can stay and no visitors. I've lost count of the mums I've heard of being the last to meet their baby/family visiting baby before mum was well enough.
You could just stay in an AirBnB after baby is born and not tell any family/friends where you and dad are? Enjoy at least a week of baby bliss?
Set boundaries for your family, you don't get this time again.

Some good suggestions but sadly air bnb not an options for us financially- also a lot of hassle to get an Airbnb set up for a newborn but I appreciate the sentiment - a girl can dream!

I also totally understand your concern re induction and am fully aware of the intervention cascade as well as higher risk of c section - and have spent a long time weighing up the pros and cons based on my personal medical situation and am happy that it’s the safer option for me and baby at this time.

OP posts:

Ginsloth · 07/01/2023 08:51

PregnantBanana · 07/01/2023 08:45

Thank you for your input - yes I absolutely have read up about the fourth trimester and was something we covered quite extensively in my antenatal classes too. Baby doesn’t even know she’s a seperate entity from the mother - so must be overwhelming for them too!

And I agree that these relationships have years to develop - why the need for everyone to come all at once right at the beginning? I think I would feel less frustrated by some of them if I felt they intended to be involved and develop the relationship later but sadly I think our parents see our baby as their achievement but, probably won’t be as involved as a lot of grandparents are.

Show quote history

We had the same issue with some family members who were insistent they absolutely had to meet the baby within the first week, and since then have maybe seen him three times. And he’s almost two!
I think you know your family best. If there are people who you know aren’t going to be consistent then they can get pushed to the back of the queue. If I had my time with my newborn again I’d say absolutely no visitors for a week, then maybe a couple of important relatives following this.

Another thought too, I’d be quite strict with times too. I hated having visitors in the evening, it was when my baby was most fussy and just wanted to feed. Having anyone but my husband there just made it feel stressful when it needn’t have been, almost as if I was expected to get my baby to “behave” for the visitors.

Original poster

PregnantBanana · 07/01/2023 08:51

gogohmm · 07/01/2023 08:42

Try to channel their excitement to get them to do things that will help you eg meals, making drinks, walking up and down with baby so you can enjoy a bath or shower. They are all really happy for you and life is far easier if you have the support of family and friends. Try to schedule visits do they aren't all at the same time, and be strict with them, they wait on you! Get them to work with cleaning, washing l, send them to the shops etc.

I (and my other half!) can certainly try to channel it like this, luckily stepmum does in fact love cleaning! But when people are travelling to you I think there’s an element of ‘I’m here to see the baby not do your laundry!’ - but hopefully we can find a balance!

OP posts:

PrincessAnastasiaRomanov · 07/01/2023 08:53

Put in boundaries now. In my experience having a baby is a never-ending dance of setting and holding.boundaries with people, well meaning or not, determined to erode them, including:
Sleep
Feeding
Activities
Clothing
Assigning your child a personality they'd rather based on their own needs rather than what child is like
Trying to force gender stereotypes on your child
Behaviour management

Honest to god I didn't think it'd be like this as I have worked in childcare for years and am very experienced, but as soon as you have the baby people somehow think you are unable or unworthy to make your own parenting decisions.

The people who are live and let live are gems though. I have a grand total of two friends who support my choices and I theirs even when they differ. Both mum's with similar age children though so I imagine they have first hand experience of it and get it.

I absolutely hate the implication that you have to accept every person's opinions and actions no matter how intrusive, in case you need childcare. Imo I'd rather not have the help than help that is transactional. Time and help is a gift and gifts should never be given with the expectations or caveats.

Put in your boundaries now, but do be aware you'll have to reinforce them constantly.

AliceMcK · 07/01/2023 08:54

PregnantBanana · 07/01/2023 07:01

Thanks everyone, at least I know I’m not going totally crazy over here and not the only one that’s felt like this!

Sadly regards the childcare/it takes a village comments I know this will be less than true in my case.

As I said in the original post, many of these people live significantly far away that that actually isn’t feasible, and in terms of my family for various reasons I wouldn’t leave the baby alone with them.

MIL has also expressed in several roundabout ways she doesn’t want to be involved in childcare.

I think if I felt these people were my village already I would be so much more okay with it all, but I know it’ll be a case of everyone being around for the first few weeks and then dropping off the radar.

Also just to clarify I do have people in my life whom I want to share things with and I DO have a support system - it’s just not actually these people.

I think we will have to manage things as they come but I just wish people would wait until she’s even here!!

Total crap about it takes a village. My DH and I have always done everything on our own, we’ve never had support from either of our families.

It may sound daft but hopefully they keep you in for a night or 2 if your being induced for medical reasons. I spent 4 nights in after being induced with my first it was bliss having midwifes there the whole time and gave me time to get to know my dd. The day after I got out we had house guests one for 3 months and one for 2 weeks who expected me to wait on them and wanted to go out every bloody day. We lived overseas, hence the long stays. It might not have been bad if they actually helped but neither lifted a finger, DH and I were expected to do everything.

When it came to number 2 I made it clear no one was visiting for at least 3 weeks except my BF who was great cooking, cleaning and looking after our toddler for us. The plan was for her to fly in and watch our toddler when I went into labour but everything happened so fast I had the baby before she even made it to the airport. She could only stay 3 days though as she had to get home, but her help was invaluable. In-laws arrived 3 weeks on the dot, mil was hands on washing and pottering which was nice of her but I don’t like other people messing with my washing, FIL expected to be waited on.

Number 3, inducted, took 72 hours I regretted staying in, but she arrived in between pain relief wearing off and new dose kicking in so I decided to spend the night in the maternity ward when all I wanted to do was get home to my other children who I wasn’t use to leaving. By the time number 3 came along I was far more assertive with my boundaries and did things my way.

If you do stay in say no visitors at hospital. Then make your DP step up and tell people that no one is to visit for at least 3 days while you get use to the 3 of you becoming a family unit. You have enough to deal with so he can be the bad guy.

schratching · 07/01/2023 08:55

I remember feeling like this. People get excited and you're protective. It's normal but stressful. If you find it overwhelming, retreat and switch your phone off. Ask partner to tell them you're overwhelmed.

Original poster

PregnantBanana · 07/01/2023 08:56

Ginsloth · 07/01/2023 08:51

We had the same issue with some family members who were insistent they absolutely had to meet the baby within the first week, and since then have maybe seen him three times. And he’s almost two!
I think you know your family best. If there are people who you know aren’t going to be consistent then they can get pushed to the back of the queue. If I had my time with my newborn again I’d say absolutely no visitors for a week, then maybe a couple of important relatives following this.

Another thought too, I’d be quite strict with times too. I hated having visitors in the evening, it was when my baby was most fussy and just wanted to feed. Having anyone but my husband there just made it feel stressful when it needn’t have been, almost as if I was expected to get my baby to “behave” for the visitors.

Show quote history

i agree it’s the urgency I find unnecessary- I would love to be proven wrong and see that my parents in particular, flourish at being grandparents in a way they never did as parents when I was a kid. But sadly I don’t think this will happen. I think will be more like your people who have seen your little one a handful of times!

also that’s a really good tip, seems totally logical now but hadn’t even occurred to me that people may want to come in the evenings! Easy to forget people run on very different schedules to you and what’s normal to them isn’t normal for you!

OP posts:

PrincessAnastasiaRomanov · 07/01/2023 08:57

Induction is fine by the way op, people who.push that natural birth crap were either lucky or never had an issue giving birth naturally. I fell for that cascade of intervention crap in my first pregnancy and my baby needed to be in NICU as a result. Trust your medical team not randoms off the internet.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/01/2023 09:00

Op maybe you and your partner should have a few stock lines to say to people if they arrive at the door unannounced or call asking to visit when you aren’t ready. Then you don’t have to think on the spot you already have a prepared polite but assertive way of saying No.

Ginsloth · 07/01/2023 09:00

PregnantBanana · 07/01/2023 08:56

i agree it’s the urgency I find unnecessary- I would love to be proven wrong and see that my parents in particular, flourish at being grandparents in a way they never did as parents when I was a kid. But sadly I don’t think this will happen. I think will be more like your people who have seen your little one a handful of times!

also that’s a really good tip, seems totally logical now but hadn’t even occurred to me that people may want to come in the evenings! Easy to forget people run on very different schedules to you and what’s normal to them isn’t normal for you!

Show quote history

Maybe being strict on the no visitors in the evenings might help to tweak out the visits over a longer period. Lots of people want to come on weekdays after they’ve finished work, you can simply say “we’re avoiding having people over in the evenings unfortunately, maybe you could come
over next Sunday?”. Anyone who you think should wait longer can be told you’re already busy for the next few weekends too 😅

smileladiesplease · 07/01/2023 09:02

Induction does not always lead to further intervention!!!! I was induced with baby 4 and progressed fine. Actually the easiest birth of all. Trust your medical team. Retreat to your bedroom if visitors come and get your partner to say you snd baby are asleep and must not be disturbed on doctors orders.

Original poster

PregnantBanana · 07/01/2023 09:03

AliceMcK · 07/01/2023 08:54

Total crap about it takes a village. My DH and I have always done everything on our own, we’ve never had support from either of our families.

It may sound daft but hopefully they keep you in for a night or 2 if your being induced for medical reasons. I spent 4 nights in after being induced with my first it was bliss having midwifes there the whole time and gave me time to get to know my dd. The day after I got out we had house guests one for 3 months and one for 2 weeks who expected me to wait on them and wanted to go out every bloody day. We lived overseas, hence the long stays. It might not have been bad if they actually helped but neither lifted a finger, DH and I were expected to do everything.

When it came to number 2 I made it clear no one was visiting for at least 3 weeks except my BF who was great cooking, cleaning and looking after our toddler for us. The plan was for her to fly in and watch our toddler when I went into labour but everything happened so fast I had the baby before she even made it to the airport. She could only stay 3 days though as she had to get home, but her help was invaluable. In-laws arrived 3 weeks on the dot, mil was hands on washing and pottering which was nice of her but I don’t like other people messing with my washing, FIL expected to be waited on.

Number 3, inducted, took 72 hours I regretted staying in, but she arrived in between pain relief wearing off and new dose kicking in so I decided to spend the night in the maternity ward when all I wanted to do was get home to my other children who I wasn’t use to leaving. By the time number 3 came along I was far more assertive with my boundaries and did things my way.

If you do stay in say no visitors at hospital. Then make your DP step up and tell people that no one is to visit for at least 3 days while you get use to the 3 of you becoming a family unit. You have enough to deal with so he can be the bad guy.

Show quote history

Blimey! This is another level - I really feel for you!

Thats the trouble I think when you’re not living nearby to the people who want to meet baby. The option to pop In and help is eliminated and creates more of a guest dynamic (even if they aren’t staying in your house as they won’t be mine)

Ill definitely be putting my other half in charge of communications for a little while after she comes! I don’t mind being the bad guy down the line but not right after birth!

OP posts:

hennylovespens · 07/01/2023 09:04

Read up on the fourth trimester and send them all links explaining you will be lying in. (Staying in bed with the baby and bonding for the first few weeks.) say you won't be up for unexpected visitors and if any show up your partner should explain you're both feeding or sleeping and that it's not a good time but you both look forward to introducing LO at a more suitable one.

There will be times when you feel marooned in your bedroom whilst well meaners overstay but if you and your husband are a united front that will help.

Merryoldgoat · 07/01/2023 09:04

No, not everyone feels like this but that doesn’t mean you’re unreasonable.

I have an excellent relationship with my in-laws and they came to see me during my induction (I was in with nothing happening for 5 days), they came the day after he was born and then came the day we got home from hospital to help us get settled and then I saw them every few days.

My aunt saw us a similar amount (I don’t have parents anymore) and both had our first son for a few hours a week from about 6 months old.

He was a very well loved and contended baby albeit a shorty sleeper.

Original poster

PregnantBanana · 07/01/2023 09:06

smileladiesplease · 07/01/2023 09:02

Induction does not always lead to further intervention!!!! I was induced with baby 4 and progressed fine. Actually the easiest birth of all. Trust your medical team. Retreat to your bedroom if visitors come and get your partner to say you snd baby are asleep and must not be disturbed on doctors orders.

Always reassuring to hear a positive view on induction!! There’s so much out there to try and discourage - even after medical advice!

Doctors orders is a good once actually, that can be part of our repertoire for when we aren’t up for visitors!

OP posts:

Nat6999 · 07/01/2023 09:08

Don't be afraid to take yourself & baby upstairs if your visitors get too much, don't give an excuse just pick up baby & go, it's the one thing I wish I had done. On the morning after I arrived home after 5 days in hospital post emcs my inlaws walked in & the first words were "get the kettle on" when the midwife arrived she had to demand ds back off mil so we could go upstairs for her to check my stitches, weigh ds & do his heel prick test. We didn't get rid of all the inlaws for 8 hours, I had been terrified to move because I could feel my bleeding getting heavier & I felt shattered. My strategy would be don't feel the need to get dressed for at least the first week, rest as much as you can, if you have to have any visitors not being dressed reminds them you have only just got home, don't be afraid to disappear upstairs to feed & change baby, don't rush, have at least a couple of hours each day when you have a rest, either a nap or just time to relax, this time is protected, no visitors or phone calls.

Babsexxx · 07/01/2023 09:08

I don’t know why lots of people are saying they enjoyed it it’ll be lovely etc not everyone does and OP has specified this fact in her post! How did your mil know anything about you medically to discuss?

Im the same OP I hate the thought of lots of visitors etc and you don’t know what sort of labour you’ll have!! You could really have a bad time which I hope not! Feel a little bit traumatised I definitely was after my first! trying to establish bf etc.

i would be putting a polite WhatsApp group message out saying we will contact everyone once we get our bearings bond with baby and most importantly when you feel up to it!

Original poster

PregnantBanana · 07/01/2023 09:09

hennylovespens · 07/01/2023 09:04

Read up on the fourth trimester and send them all links explaining you will be lying in. (Staying in bed with the baby and bonding for the first few weeks.) say you won't be up for unexpected visitors and if any show up your partner should explain you're both feeding or sleeping and that it's not a good time but you both look forward to introducing LO at a more suitable one.

There will be times when you feel marooned in your bedroom whilst well meaners overstay but if you and your husband are a united front that will help.

Yes I think it’s more them that could do with learning about the fourth trimester - I’ve done lots of reading and classes myself. I just don’t think it was a thing or theory that any of our parents generation were particularly aware of and things were so different for them. The constant visiting etc was normal for them. But doesn’t mean it’s the right/best thing for mum and baby. Ironically my MIL has complained to me about how her MIL came to stay after she had my partner and how overwhelmed she was…

OP posts:

talkingmorenonsense · 07/01/2023 09:11

I hardly saw anyone to start with, my choice. I just needed time to recover and get to know my baby. See people on your terns @PregnantBanana , your life, your family. Be strong. 💐

Cuppasoupmonster · 07/01/2023 09:12

YANBU my MIL was a nightmare. She pulled so many low ‘stunts’ to ensure she got to meet the baby first, that all her friends turned up at her house for a ‘spontaneous’ visit at the same time on the day we’d gone round with the newborn, etc.

Pregnant again and I’m dreading what she’s going to be like tbh.

Original poster

PregnantBanana · 07/01/2023 09:13

Babsexxx · 07/01/2023 09:08

I don’t know why lots of people are saying they enjoyed it it’ll be lovely etc not everyone does and OP has specified this fact in her post! How did your mil know anything about you medically to discuss?

Im the same OP I hate the thought of lots of visitors etc and you don’t know what sort of labour you’ll have!! You could really have a bad time which I hope not! Feel a little bit traumatised I definitely was after my first! trying to establish bf etc.

i would be putting a polite WhatsApp group message out saying we will contact everyone once we get our bearings bond with baby and most importantly when you feel up to it!

She’s a doctor who worked with pregnancy her whole career - I felt I could trust her when asking for advice and assumed it would be in confidence as it would be seeing a doctor in a hospital etc but sadly not.

Annoyingly re WhatsApp I suggested this and my parents specifically asked not to be in a group WhatsApp with DPs parents 🤦🏻‍♀️ I mean they will all be getting the same message when she arrives and we are ready to but v. Annoying.

OP posts: