To tell all of you pushy parents how much you're damaging your CHILDREN?!

[AbsolutelydisgustedGCSE]

Yes, they're children. They're 15 years old and they don't know what clothes they want to wear, never mind what they want to do with their lives.
When I did my GCSEs, in a very strict independent school, the pressure was so bad that 4 of my schoolmates had eating disorders, 3 were pregnant, at least 3 had drug addiction and 2 turned up to exams drunk.
This was only 20 years ago.
My child is doing GCSEs this year and I've told them to try their best but, under no circumstances, to feel pressured into anything!!

If I'd let DD do what she wanted - and not pushed her - she would've left school at 16 and gone to work a min wage job. She's now a teacher. And has better options and can make different choices as a result of having more money, and also because the process of doing her degree and pgce matured her - and her critical thinking skills and evaluation skills matured

It's been the opposite of damaging for my dc. Their confidence has increased and they know they can decide to follow almost any career path they want.
Good grades give you choices. Choices make you feel empowered.

Even without the pressure do those things still occur ?

Most if the people that I know who were pushed too hard ended up going the opposite way and having no aspirations, being addicts, getting pregnant at an early age and having a minimum wage job etc.

If you restrict them too much and stop them from having a proper childhood where they can have fun, then they are of course going to go crazy when they get their freedom.

It’s why so many child stars end up using drugs or being damaged in some way eg Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Macaulay Culkin etc as they were pushed too hard by their parents and weren’t able to just be a child.

However, my parents were the complete opposite.

Did not encourage me at all, I wasn’t allowed to have anywhere to do my homework or study at home, I would be laughed at if I said I wanted a professional career and many of my family stopped speaking to me when I chose to go to uni as a mature student as it somehow disrespected them.
Unfortunately there are many parents like this too.

Partly as a result of this I got into smoking and drinking alcohol from an early age and ended up being a teen mum.
This then pushed me to go to college and then into university as a mature student but for others it could have had the opposite effect.

So I think there is a balance between being too pushy and forcing your child to work hard vs not being encouraging at all and impacting your child’s potential.

Average children have plenty of options and choices. Why would you encourage them to do something they’re not really capable of without a lot of stress? Hardly a ‘choice’ to me.

@Cuppasoupmonster

Why would you want your child to aim for a career that’s always going to be a bit difficult and stressful for tthem because it’s slightly out of their capabilities?

You are assuming that a career which is competitive is going to be outside of most children’s capabilities. Why do you assume that? Because a child is in the “average” among their peer group doesn’t mean there isn’t scope to improve. Most interesting and well paid careers require some investment. There are very few children who are sufficiently bright that they don’t have to work at all for a good career.

And why would you assume a challenging career is more stressful than a minimum wage job?

A job which requires a higher degree of investment at the earliest stages is likely to reap far higher rewards down the line than one where you start off with minimal commitment.

Also for many children in poor families education and hard work will be their only route out and they will need confidence and drive to escape. Why would you deliberately seek to limit a child in that situation by calling them “average”.

@Cuppasoupmonster she was and is capable of it. That's my point. I've explained it in my posts.

if she’s very capable then she won’t need much pushing.

My job now - degree, masters, further professional qualifications - is much less stressful than my minimum wage jobs were. Working nights in a cafe home, serving in a shop, working in a call centre were all much more stressful.

@Cuppasoupmonster you're determined to belittle my descriptions of my dd.

If I hadn't pushed her she would've done no work at school and left at 16.

She was bright and capable enough but she had no work ethic or motivation. That's common amongst teens.

If I'd let DD do what she wanted - and not pushed her - she would've left school at 16 and gone to work a min wage job. She's now a teacher.

But why would you not let her do that?

I worked many minimum wage jobs before studying as a mature student and eventually becoming a teacher.

Part of me wishes I became a teacher sooner so I could have better options, money, future prospects etc.
But another part of me is glad I had those life experiences of being on min wage and understanding life a bit more.

I feel my DD will be the same and she’ll want a minimum wage job like mucking out stables or cleaning dog kennels, as that’s what she enjoys.
But I know that these are hard work, crap money and have no future career prospects.
So I’m struggling to know how much to push her.

What we've learnt from this post is that all children are different and parenting is all about doing what's best for your unique child.

Because doing it as a mature student is many times harder than doing it at 18. I did it - and it was harder than going at 18.

Because I don't want her to have to experience the grinding poverty I did.

You are assuming that a career which is competitive is going to be outside of most children’s capabilities. Why do you assume that?

Because it is? That’s why it’s competitive because ‘most’ children won’t achieve it?

Who said average = minimum wage? That makes no logical sense at all given the ‘average salary’ is well above NMW

Average careers to me are perfectly respectable and valuable roles like nursing and policing. It’s hilarious the snobs on here are confusing them with NMW dead end jobs, and shows how little you actually understand careers these days.

My job now - degree, masters, further professional qualifications - is much less stressful than my minimum wage jobs were. Working nights in a cafe home, serving in a shop, working in a call centre were all much more stressful.

This is what I tell my child/students.

There is nothing wrong with min wage jobs but they are much harder work than many other jobs that pay much more but also provide other benefits such as career progression, proper contracts and not zero hours, pensions, easier getting a mortgage etc.

To echo the previous poster. Dd is a teacher. That's not average to me and it's not min wage

All the 'be happy, don't worry about anything' bullshit some people spout isn't helpful.

Being happy doesn't pay the bills. Working hard, getting the best grades you can and then getting a good job does pay the bills.

We should be honest with our children. Dossing around at school and making excuses not to work hard will not help you succeed as an adult.

I went to a poor-average comp in a rough area. This kind of academic pressure/pushy parenting wasn't present, lots of parents didn't give a shit and thought it was a waste of time. If I look back at my year group the sheer number of teen pregnancies, arrests, prison sentences, suicides, self harm etc is astounding, even those who have done on are largely in minimum wage jobs and life is a struggle. Life is complex, expectation to do well at school isn't the root cause of these issues.

Academies aren't independent schools 😐

Im on an average salary. I can pay my bills. Nobody is saying let your kids doss about and go on UC as a viable career option. Just that what a lot of parents push their kids towards is something that isn’t really achievable to them, and will just result in a lifetime of stress.

If your kids can't choose their own clothes at 15??? My dds had strong views at 3 on clothes and hair 😂😂

Did you read the twins thread? The OP, and pretty much every respondent (at least when I read it) said that pitting them against each other was a terrible idea, and instead to off rewards to each based on result (my parents did that too).

My eldest just started secondary. He has exams twice a year. He goes to a private school - I think they do this so when the exams are actually important, they are used to the whole process, as whilst the exam results are communicated, and congratulated, they aren't pressured exactly - the teachers go to great lengths to explain that this is about monitoring so they know what to teach more on and effort, not about the final result.

At home, I have expectations, but I wouldn't really call myself pushy - maybe more pushy in some ways (they must do one instrument, and one club. They must hand in their homework on time - and I don't advise doing it last minute, but it's up to them if they do).

Seems to be working, but TBH, I think it very much depends on the character of the kids, and I wouldn't want to go congratulating myself until they're adults, just in case!

Exactly.

I have a sufficient pension to keep me comfortably in retirement now that I wouldn't have had if I'd stayed in care work.

I get days off for conferences, to attend courses, I have private medical insurance, I wfh (which suits me because I'm ND) - and my job itself is something that just "fits" me and I don't find stressful.

I only actually "work" about 3 days a week. The rest of the time I'm keeping my knowledge up to date and doing career development and enrichment and outreach activities.

I'd far rather that than a 12 hour night shift in a care home.

My parents were “pushy” and I am eternally grateful to them for my amazing career and great life.

It’s an average wage, and a perfectly respectable job. Average teacher salary £35k average salary in U.K. is £38k

That's what I thought is regardless of the pressure or lack of, there will always be some either way