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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to stay with partner's friends?

113 replies

Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:20

Nothing at all against them, I mean I've only ever met them twice in nearly 3 years, but they seem nice. The man is a long-term friend of my partner's. They have offered us an open invitation to stay in their spare room for a couple of days.
Honestly I couldn't think of anything worse, it's nothing to do with them. But I'm terribly introverted and quiet and the thought of having to spend all that time with people I barely know makes me feel sick.
I don't really like staying at other people's houses (it's different when I stay at my family's as I can be myself) so generally I don't stay anywhere else apart from there or my partner's parents', I'd much rather get a hotel. I am so glad we don't have a spare room as I hate having people to stay too.
I probably sound really miserable but that's how I am.
Anyway aibu to decline this invitation? Not really sure what excuse I could give? don't want to lie, but what can I say except, I don't want to really?
Obviously my partner should still go by himself.
Maybe I could arrive in the evening late, sleep and leave early in the morning, but no more than that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:20

I do appreciate their invitation nevertheless.

OP posts:
Lindtcat · 06/01/2023 23:22

Your not obliged to go or stay but don't you want to try and get to know your partners friends a bit more? What does your partner think? Is this for an event of some sort where you would be staying after or just an invite to spend a few days?

HundredMilesAnHour · 06/01/2023 23:24

I probably sound really miserable but that's how I am

So you're not willing to make any effort at all for your partner's sake? You just say "that's how I am". Pretty poor of you to be honest.

Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:24

I would be happy to get to know them over a coffee or something like that. I wouldn't even want to stay with my close friends for a few days. I need my own space and I get so drained after talking for more than an hour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:25

I said I'd go and stay a night for his sake but no more. I don't see why I need to stay several days? I can still go and see them, I just don't want to stay a couple of days

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saraclara · 06/01/2023 23:25

Have you had any help for this anxiety about staying in someone's home (and presumably allied issues)?
Because yes, you could refuse to go, but you will cramp your partners life somewhat if this is something that you live the rest of your life avoiding.

Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:26

Yes that is how I am. There's compromise, we don't have to be forced to do things we can't stand, we are allowed to think of ourselves sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:27

In 3 years it's never been an issue. He doesn't need me to be there 24/7 if he decides to stay with friends
I don't think it's an anxiety thing, it's more common than people realise. I just like my own space and privacy.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 06/01/2023 23:28

Do you meant that both of you will stay at a hotel or only you and he will stay with friends?
By the way you don’t sound miserable more like sensible and realistic.

saraclara · 06/01/2023 23:28

Maybe I could arrive in the evening late, sleep and leave early in the morning, but no more than that.

I'm sorry, but visiting someone and spending the whole time in bed is really not on. You're not making a deal "for his sake" with that offer. It's really insulting to the hosts.

Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:28

No i would never stop him staying with them. I'd just stay one night then come home to our flat. He can stay as long as he likes.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 06/01/2023 23:29

Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:26

Yes that is how I am. There's compromise, we don't have to be forced to do things we can't stand, we are allowed to think of ourselves sometimes.

What compromise? It seems to be all about you thinking of yourself. You're not willing to step out of your comfort zone once in 3 years?

Iamthewombat · 06/01/2023 23:29

It sounds as if you have already decided to decline the invitation so the AIBU question is moot. You want to test out your excuses.

For what it’s worth, I do think that you are being unreasonable. You are saying that you’ll never consent to staying at the houses of your partner’s friends (and, I assume, family) and that you wouldn’t want them staying with you either.

it feels one step away from refusing to socialise with your partner’s circle: no, you can’t possibly go to dinner at their houses or go to a restaurant with them etc etc, let alone go on holiday with his friends or go to eg his work or sports club annual dinner. I’d find it suffocating, controlling and frankly weird if a partner pulled this sort of thing.

We know several couples where the wife - always the wife! - behaves like this, and they are not happy marriages.

Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:29

I didn't quite mean it so literally, maybe it came out wrong. But I see what you mean.

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Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:31

I don't think that's quite true.
I haven't said anywhere I don't want to socialise with them.
I don't want to stay at their house for several days on end. I don't know them well, and I am not comfortable with it.
I'd be happy to stay an evening, if my partner wants to stay longer he can. It doesn't make any difference to him.

OP posts:
saraclara · 06/01/2023 23:31

Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:27

In 3 years it's never been an issue. He doesn't need me to be there 24/7 if he decides to stay with friends
I don't think it's an anxiety thing, it's more common than people realise. I just like my own space and privacy.

I'm introverted and need space and privacy too. But I can manage it and be polite and sociable. I just need to disappear for five minutes occasionally (my friends probably think I have a bladder problem, as I disappear to the bathroom frequently!)

But the way you describe this, it's not standard introversion, and it is limiting both your lives. Your clearly anxious about the idea, so I'm not sure that you can dismiss anxiety as an issue for you.

Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:33

I don't need to stay at their house for several days on end, there's no guarantee I'd be able to anyway with work. I'd never limit my partner in any way. He stays as long as he wants. We don't do every single thing together anyway. I am allowed to have boundaries.
It's not just going for a meal or something, it's spending several days on end.

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Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:34

It's also not limiting our lives in any way I can see. I'm not sure he'd fancy staying at one of my friend's houses for days.

OP posts:
Mumma · 06/01/2023 23:34

You have asked a question and disputed every answer you have been given. Your mind is clearly made up.

At least be honest with your partner so he can decide if he can live his life that way.

Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:35

Don't worry, he's fully aware of it. He understands, luckily.

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Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:36

I'd like to think people have choice and boundaries. We don't have to be comfortable with staying at someone's house for several days. I have no interest in it, but I'm willing to compromise by spending a day and night. It's not for everyone.

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RayRai · 06/01/2023 23:37

You started by saying "a couple of days", now it's escalated to "days on end". You're asking AYBU, people are saying you are but you are just completely defensive in your answers. Not really sure what you are looking from with your post, you've made your mind up and you're not listening to anyones opinions anyway!

pizzaHeart · 06/01/2023 23:38

In this case I would stay at the hotel with him officially. You will have a chance to get to know them but you will be able to leave early and he will be able to stay as long as he wants.

Some people don’t bother much about sleeping arrangements, food, heating, noise, etc They are lucky people and can stay everywhere or invite anyone to theirs. Some people are just not like this.

Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:39

The number of days hasn't been defined yet. I doubt it'll be more than 3, but I think that's too many for me! I'm sure it'd be pleasant, but I honestly run out of conversation after about an hour. I find it so draining and exhausting. I'll see what happens, anyway.

OP posts:
Cnidarian · 06/01/2023 23:40

This would be a deal breaker for me, you don't seem willing or able to change it, but sounds like your partner is ok with it and we aren't dating so I'm not sure what the issue is?! Does everyone feel this way? Nope. Would everyone be OK with this in a relationship? Nope. But if you do and it's OK for your DP then that's fine? What are you looking for here?