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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to stay with partner's friends?

113 replies

Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:20

Nothing at all against them, I mean I've only ever met them twice in nearly 3 years, but they seem nice. The man is a long-term friend of my partner's. They have offered us an open invitation to stay in their spare room for a couple of days.
Honestly I couldn't think of anything worse, it's nothing to do with them. But I'm terribly introverted and quiet and the thought of having to spend all that time with people I barely know makes me feel sick.
I don't really like staying at other people's houses (it's different when I stay at my family's as I can be myself) so generally I don't stay anywhere else apart from there or my partner's parents', I'd much rather get a hotel. I am so glad we don't have a spare room as I hate having people to stay too.
I probably sound really miserable but that's how I am.
Anyway aibu to decline this invitation? Not really sure what excuse I could give? don't want to lie, but what can I say except, I don't want to really?
Obviously my partner should still go by himself.
Maybe I could arrive in the evening late, sleep and leave early in the morning, but no more than that.

OP posts:
BeGentlePeeps · 07/01/2023 00:12

I’m with you OP. And I say that as a pretty sociable person who enjoys meeting and chatting people daily.

I too enjoy/ need my own space, my own bed and my own roof. People (I think) would describe me as socially outgoing but I dread anything more than an overnight with people who are are close family (and maybe a couple of close friends).

IMO you are absolutely not being unreasonable!

Different strokes for different folks. It’s what makes the world interesting 😬

Stickykidney · 07/01/2023 00:14

Another one for I get it! Different if it's miles and hours away but this doesn't sound unworkable to get home.
I had this situation recently with a new partner and their friends .. 4 hour drive. I was 'trapped'! I had to brave it out. And I did! With vodka ... Not the best advice but it's advice ...
I panicked about every aspect. So nervous. Didn't know the sleeping situation, how late we would be up, the loo situation, windows, heating on (getting smoked out of bed with the heat all dry sand dehydrated... And can I go to get more water without encountering anyone!?!) All these scenarios in my head that aren't an issue somewhere I am comfy. I call it 'the fear' when I'm 'trapped' and am not in control. Getting better over the years but it's a mental load and a half. I have no idea how anyone could think of it as a fun thing to do.
I get it.

LimeTwists · 07/01/2023 00:16

Why not tell them you have bad insomnia and find it particularly difficult to sleep in unfamiliar places, so don’t want to be poor company due to tiredness?

You don’t really owe them an detailed explanation for your reluctance.

foremostwilly · 07/01/2023 00:23

Maybe I could arrive in the evening late, sleep and leave early in the morning, but no more than that.

That is not how staying with people works. They expect some interaction as a return for their hospitality.

harrassedmumto3 · 07/01/2023 00:28

I do sometimes wonder how people like you (sorry, I don't mean that as badly as it sounds) navigate relationships and life in general.

You mention that it's an open invitation. On that basis, it would seem odd to turn it down when there's no date in mind.

DuplicateUserName · 07/01/2023 00:31

foremostwilly · 07/01/2023 00:23

Maybe I could arrive in the evening late, sleep and leave early in the morning, but no more than that.

That is not how staying with people works. They expect some interaction as a return for their hospitality.

Yes, don't do this OP.

It could either come across as a total piss-take, or that you're really only there under sufferance.

Either way, you won't come across well.

harrassedmumto3 · 07/01/2023 00:31

I don't want to stay at their house for several days on end. I don't know them well, and I am not comfortable with it.

But how are you supposed to get to know them then? I totally understand that your comfort is the most important thing, but it doesn't have to trump absolutely everything else. Getting out of your comfort zone for a bit might be better than you think.

PotatoScollop · 07/01/2023 00:54

YABU to ask for people to take the time to give you their perspectives, then argue with all those who don't agree with you. There is literally zero point asking AIBU.

YANBU to not want to stay at peoples houses, whether that's for one night or 3. It is more commonplace than a lot of people think. Assuming you're not 12 and everyone loves sleepovers. I do like to stay with partners friends, I enjoy it. BUT I find it terribly draining as an introvert, I get severe exhaustion and headaches with social interactions that last too long. It completely zaps me. This is an actual thing for introverts. It's uncomfortable, exhausting, and can take several days after to recover your energy from. Even as a person who LIKES socialising. If it's not your thing, which is perfectly normal, then it's even more uncomfortable and difficult. There's nothing wrong with meals or events out, or grabbing a pizza at a partners friends, rather than several days sleepovers.

I'm sure my opinion will be fine though because it agrees with the OP's.

PinkSyCo · 07/01/2023 01:00

Why would you have to make up an excuse? You say your partner understands your reason for not wanting to go, so why wouldn’t his friends and understand? Just be honest with them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

JudgeRudy · 07/01/2023 04:47

YANBU - you're husband should know you're an introvert and that's a big ask. I like my spacecandcit really doesn't matter how 'nice' people are. I do think though that if you got yo know them better you would feel more relaxed and able to enjoy their company. Could you 'work up to' this, so maybe go somewhere neutral as a foursome and stay overnight but separately? Day at the seaside then B&B or a concert/gig?
I do think though that if you tell people you need space they're generally OK with that.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/01/2023 05:35

I don't blame you at all. It's miserable, staying in others' houses.

Can't you both just stay in nearby hotel??

Shoxfordian · 07/01/2023 06:31

It seems you’ve made your mind up before you even posted so I don’t know what the point of the thread is op. I wouldn’t be ok with it if you were my partner but happily you’re not so it’s up to you and him

Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 07/01/2023 06:49

Couple of odd, snarky replies but helpful otherwise. I wouldn't pressure/force a partner to stay several days at my friends' house if they didn't want to. We aren't joined at the hip, if some people are that's up to them really.
I also wasn't looking for people to change my mind, just for different opinions like I said. I'm arguing my point of view here, and it's been interesting to see the other viewpoint.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 07/01/2023 06:58

I've read through every post again and I've disagreed with posters telling me I'm selfish, "it's all about me", I'm controlling, my needs don't trump everyone else's.
So I've stuck to my guns. I think some posters need to realise this is allowed. As I said I wasn't looking for my mind to be changed, just to debate as such, sorry I didn't make it clear.
But, what if your needs never come first? I know a lot of people don't understand introverts, there's a lot of talk of 'getting out of your comfort zone'. It's a shame that there's such a lack of understanding.

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 07/01/2023 07:14

I think some people's take on this is quite strange. I don't think you are antisocial, selfish etc etc. Sometimes though @Ididnthityouharold, it's good to push ourselves out of our comfort zone, but just up to see them and stay in a b&b nearby, let your partner tell them it's a a thing for you. If you feel comfortable in their home then you can think about stopping with them next time. I have some very good friends / family who've lived in a beautiful parts of the world. They have asked us to stay, but I like my personal space.

Original poster
Ididnthityouharold · 07/01/2023 07:17

Yes you make a fair point, I could try building it up to it for the future. I just know that even with close friends I'd rather not stay at their homes for any extended length of time. Find too many things difficult but I know this will never be understood by many sadly.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 07/01/2023 07:23

I totally understand ... staying with other people can be awkward for many reasons. I have some good friends I have known for years and I am very comfortable staying in their home but my DH (& we've been married a long time!) does not feel comfortable going there so I go alone and it's much easier all round. Likewise he has friends he goes to stay with on his own. If we go away together we book a hotel.

Iamthewombat · 07/01/2023 07:24

I know this will never be understood by many sadly.

Ao you started this thread to whinge about how special and sensitive you are and how nobody will ever understand you.

Judgyjudgy · 07/01/2023 07:27

Ididnthityouharold · 06/01/2023 23:26

Yes that is how I am. There's compromise, we don't have to be forced to do things we can't stand, we are allowed to think of ourselves sometimes.

Well if you're upfront and he doesn't mind then nothing wrong with that. Personally I wouldn't like it if my partner did that, for me staying with friends is fun and I would think we were mis-matched if he thought differently

whiteroseredrose · 07/01/2023 07:30

I understand OP. I don't like staying at my friends' houses much either, let alone virtual strangers'. In the past it was financial necessity. Now I'd rather stay in a B&B or hotel nearby.

With your DP's friends, could you perhaps go for dinner, have a few drinks and stay overnight then leave after brunch the next day? Maybe say that you have a commitment early afternoon.

It would give you chance to get to know them over dinner then you just have to get through the next morning.

Lollipop999 · 07/01/2023 07:42

I’m not keen on staying at other peoples houses either but on this occasion would do it for my partner. Sometimes you do have to do things which put you out of your comfort zone, it won’t kill you for a couple of days.

I get that it wouldn’t be your favourite thing and that you don’t have to do it but feel nowadays the attitude of I don’t want to and I don’t have to does come across as a little bit self centred and immature.

I would probably make a compromise, maybe arrive early on the first day, stay for the day and 1 night, then leave later on day 2. So only 1 night but 2 whole days.

You never know you may enjoy it, and it’s nice to have a wide circle of friends. You don’t want to end up like some of the posters on mn who barely have any friends or barely leave the house!

autienotnaughty · 07/01/2023 07:49

I agree with you op I wouldn't want to stay with people I didn't know either. Can you get to know them through nights out or do they live too far away? I'd just say you have other things on but you will definitely come next time there's a night out booked. Or explain to your partner it's too much and could you do one night the first time to see how it feels. You are not selfish or unreasonable to have your own boundaries.

rookiemere · 07/01/2023 07:57

For various reasons I hate staying at peoples houses apart from my aunt in NZ who has a guest wing and a cleaner and I'd do it for two nights absolute max.

I think it's better to just go for one night- or indeed head home in the evening- claiming that you have to work, but make a real effort to be friendly and get to know these people.

Lots of people don't like staying at others. I've noticed a few friends recently have contacted us to say they are in town - we live in a popular tourist destination- and do we want to meet up for dinner, rather than staying with us. Just as well really as DS has taken residence in the only double guest room.

drpet49 · 07/01/2023 07:59

saraclara · 06/01/2023 23:28

Maybe I could arrive in the evening late, sleep and leave early in the morning, but no more than that.

I'm sorry, but visiting someone and spending the whole time in bed is really not on. You're not making a deal "for his sake" with that offer. It's really insulting to the hosts.

I agree. OP you can just stay in a hotel but not expect your partner to. He can stay with his friends.

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 07/01/2023 07:59

I absolutely could not stay at someone else’s house overnight, no matter how long I’d known them or how close a friend they are. I couldn’t stay with family either.

in your position, I would spend the day time with the friends but book a hotel/Travelodge to sleep on.

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