To not want to stay with partner's friends?

[Ididnthityouharold]

Nothing at all against them, I mean I've only ever met them twice in nearly 3 years, but they seem nice. The man is a long-term friend of my partner's. They have offered us an open invitation to stay in their spare room for a couple of days.
Honestly I couldn't think of anything worse, it's nothing to do with them. But I'm terribly introverted and quiet and the thought of having to spend all that time with people I barely know makes me feel sick.
I don't really like staying at other people's houses (it's different when I stay at my family's as I can be myself) so generally I don't stay anywhere else apart from there or my partner's parents', I'd much rather get a hotel. I am so glad we don't have a spare room as I hate having people to stay too.
I probably sound really miserable but that's how I am.
Anyway aibu to decline this invitation? Not really sure what excuse I could give? don't want to lie, but what can I say except, I don't want to really?
Obviously my partner should still go by himself.
Maybe I could arrive in the evening late, sleep and leave early in the morning, but no more than that.

I’m an introvert and if we are visiting friends I would really prefer to stay in a hotel rather than with them. I find being “on” all the time exhausting.

I'm with you op. I hate staying at other people's houses and can't understand how people think it's fun. I have a close friend who keeps inviting me to stay over. I've said I just don't like staying away from home but she keeps bringing it up. I visit her and see her regularly, I just don't understand the need to sleep under the same roof. There are very very few people I'd want to spend more than a few hours in a row with. Constant company for 2 - 3 days is my idea of hell. I'm not miserable or boring, despite how this might sound. I have lots of friends and socialise and have fun and love seeing them. But after a few hours I'm ready to be in my own space on my own again. Luckily my partner feels the same so neither of us feels deprived of adult sleepovers.

I think of myself as an extrovert, but last year we were invited for the weekend by some new friends we'd made (at their weekend flat by the sea!)

When we were there I felt like you describe - sort of anxious and wanting to get back to my home. It made me antsy. Nothing to do with them - they couldn't have done enough for us and were lovely.

However, we're now good friends - partly as a result of having spent more time together (not just that weekend) and I look forward to staying with them again. I suppose you don't get to know people well without spending time with them, and if your DH's friends are far enough away to mean you have to stay there to do that, maybe it's worth trying?

It's not OK to lie to them and nor is it OK to stay over but skulk in the bedroom the whole time. It's fine to tell people you're an introvert and to arrange downtime for yourself accordingly by various strategies. The compromise is to stay at an AirBNB or hotel. Meet them for dinner and drinks out, lunch the next day and an afternoon activity, just the DHs out for drinks, brunch and a walk the next day etc. If you can't manage even that much for your partner, then that's troubling and you should talk to a GP because that's your anxiety disrupting normal life.

In your OP you say you have been invited for 'a couple of days', then in your subsequent posts you repeat 'several days on end'. Which is it?!

You sound as if you're very set in your ways and not likely to listen to what anyone says on here - so why did you post?

Nope, not whinging, sulking, being immature or thinking I'm special. I'm not insulting you for being an extrovert so I'd expect the same in return. Thanks to all the other replies.

It's around the 5th time asking why I've posted, I did explain why a couple of times. I wasn't looking for someone to persuade me to stay, I'm capable of making my own mind up.

And again, I've said at several points I'm happy to meet them in other capacities/stay a night. I do don't need to stay several days with them 'for my partner'.

Totally with you. Luckily my OH is the same. Visit, go out, and drive home or stay in a hotel.

I can’t blame you, OP. I wouldn’t call myself a complete introvert - just partly - but I really don’t like staying at anyone’s house unless it’s close family, or I know them extremely well. It may well be very kind of them to offer, but at least once when dh has wanted to see distant friends or ex colleagues who I barely know, we’ve stayed at e.g. a P Inn instead.

A second very valid reason - to me anyway! - is that other people’s spare rooms so often have only a standard double bed and nowadays sharing one of those feels so horribly cramped to me.

I’m confused why you’ve posted here.
You say your partner understands and is fine with it. You clearly don’t want to hear opposing views.
So why ask on here?

Being an introvert isn’t a flaw that needs fixing.

I explained already a couple of times. Please stop asking me now why I'm posting.

You can get to know your partners friends without staying the night op. Of course you shouldn't go if it makes you that uncomfortable. I am the same, absolute homebody and if I can, I'll always make sure I'm back at my own house for Bed. I don't really see the point in staying the night unless the journey is ridiculously long.

Also, your partner can go alone if he wishes to spend the night. Me and my husband do lots of separate things together such as visiting friends as we have separate friend groups and there's no real need to mix with each other's as we are quite different. Doing separate things won't harm the relationship x

There is a big difference between setting boundaries and letting anxiety dictate your life. ! Dressing it up as boundary setting doesn't wash.

The former is a voluntary decision you make based on your personal preference.
The latter is fitting your life to pander to your anxiety. To restrict your life to what you can cope with.

I am sure your partner doesn't expect you to be attached at the hip for days. However, I am sure he would also like his partner to spend a couple of nights with his close friends.

You say you enjoy staying at his parents. They are people you didn't know - so you obviously decided to conquer your fears until it became bearable . You need to do the same with this .

Anxiety is not an 'excuse' not to do things . It is a condition that required work and challenge to overcome . You cannot be passive and accommodate it ... because it's a hungry beast that will just start to eat away at a different part of your life.

(Severe ex sufferer here - to the point I was on beta blockers for the constant panic attacks - cured via medication and talking therapy)

Thanks, but I'm not afraid of it. I simply don't find it enjoyable. He'd like me to spend some time with them, of course, which I will be doing. I don't need to be at their house several days to do so. I like my own bed, eating when I choose to, and my own space and privacy.

I hate staying at other peoples houses too.

Luckily we have dogs, so DH goes off to stay with his friends and I stay home to look after them 😀

People won't understand, because this type of thing people just think it comes across as rude. They don't understand, the best solution is to tell them the truth.

"I don't like staying in anyones home I am an introvert and it gives me anxiety"

Or lie:

"I have to take calls sometimes in the middle of the night from a family member, I have to be there for them and I wouldn't put that on anyone else so I need to stay in a hotel"

"I am on overnight medication and with the noise I make I need to be in a hotel as I wouldn't put that on anyone"

Why will it 'cramp' her partners life?

Can two people in a relationship not have separate activities, and also, the op has expressed that she'd happily meet them for a coffee and spend some time with them. She's even proposed a compromise of staying one night. Why the need to stay endless nights in an unfamiliar house if you're a homebody?

The op hasn't said her partner is upset by it.

I'm the same as OP, I enjoy socialising to a point but ultimately I like being home, in my own bed, waking up at my home. There's nowt wrong with that.

There's a massive lack of understanding regarding introverts, that is evident here sadly.

Absolutely op. I'm upset reading some of these posts being so rude.

You've at no point said that you're scared of going, or expressed any selfishness, just seeking opinions.

You and your partner have different preferences and that is ok! There's no need necessarily to be close with your partners friends, and if you don't want to go and stay, it definitely shouldn't stop your partner from going.

I'd also resent taking time off work for something I didn't want to do or wouldn't enjoy.

Learning how to say no and deciding somethings aren't for me was one of the best things I've ever done.

Take care op and ignore those implying that there's something defective about you just because you'd rather spend your free time at home. X

With this kind of thing it really depends how difficult this really is for you OP and how much it would take out of you to just suck it up and do it. I also don't really like staying in people's homes who I don't know well. I like a space to retreat to and get exhausted socialising for too long. In my case I am able to manage for a few days so if it was important to my partner I would do it. Beig a bit uncomfortable for a few days is a price worth paying for making my husband happy. If he was just as happy to go alone then I would stay home.

If it really is a huge source of anxiety to you and would leave you drained and exhausted it might be the compromise you suggested is the best bet (you go for one night and let him stay on longer). That way you're making an effort but not becoming totally overwhelmed. It's easy for people to suggest getting therapy etc. and that is a good idea but won't be a magic fix for huge anxiety issues.

No one can really judge but you how difficult it would be for you so it's impossible to advise. Most people in relationships do put themselves out and do things they'd rather not to make their partner happy. On the other hand no one should be asking you to do something that is completely unmanageable for you. Only you can say where on the spectrum this lies.

You say you enjoy staying at his parents. They are people you didn't know - so you obviously decided to conquer your fears until it became bearable . You need to do the same with this .

Well, I liked staying with my late inlaws, because they were family and I didn’t feel I had to be in full on socialising mode all the time.

I don't think not wanting to stay in other peoples houses means you have some sort of mental disorder that needs fixing.

DH is worse than me - he doesn't even like staying at B&Bs.

I didn't mind so much staying at other peoples when I was younger and had less money, now I just enjoy having my own space and not having to worry about flushing the loo or not during one of my many nocturnal visits and if there will be drinkable coffee in the morning.

I know wtf, trying to force me to confess I've got anxiety rather than I just don't bloody like it, and I'm not the only one here but I don't see those posters getting screamed at for it 😂