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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad about being an only child?

115 replies

Itsjustmeonmyown · 06/01/2023 20:32

I am 38, an only child to two wonderful parents.
They desperately wanted more children but had fertility issues and it took them an age to just have me. They were unable to have any further children.
As I get older, I am finding myself more and more upset about being an only child. Seeing how well friends get on with their sisters, having support if parents get ill and when they're old and you're having to sort out their affairs etc.
I have cousins, but I am not close to them. I am married and have children of my own, but I really wish I had a sibling.
I am close to my parents and of course I worry about when they're not here anymore.
YABU - being an only child is great/suck it up buttercup
YANBU - it is hard and can be lonely

OP posts:

Joytotheworld88 · 06/01/2023 23:34

It can go either way. Having a sibling can be the bestest friend you'll ever have. Or like in my situation, I have a sibling who is non contact, has ruined mine and parents lives, and I'm left basically as an only child anyway responsible for caring for parents later in life. I'm far closer to sibling-in laws.

thehappyhaggis · 06/01/2023 23:36

A slightly different take: I am one of 3 and the only female. However, I am close to my brothers.
I never considered what it would be like to have a sister until I had a child. I imagined a sister would have been far more supportive than my brothers were and more in tune to my needs. My brothers have a much closer relationship and I think I'm only realising that as I get older. This is to the point that even with siblings there can be feelings of isolation and loneliness even when you're close.
I always imagined having 2/3 DC which I think came from not knowing anyone with an only growing up (and being one of 3). I had a difficult path to my son and by then had decided one was enough. I occasionally get pangs of panic about this for the reasons mentioned. But, I am so fulfilled by him that I can't imagine another in our dynamic. It's such a conflict. I'm too old. it's too risky to have another and I'm happy. So, I have to just accept this and hope our son does too when he's an adult!

DisneyChops · 06/01/2023 23:37

Problem is you don't choose who you have as a sibling. You can be stuck with difficult siblings all your life, or be content as an only without the burden.
It really depends.

It's a bit pointless being sad about something you have absolutely no control over. It is what it is.

Lockeddownagain · 06/01/2023 23:40

I find this really interesting ad I had a sister and I have an only child. I always wanted 2kids but I can't have anymore.
My mums brother fell out with her after their dad died.
My Co wife's siter doesn't speak to her.
My husband and his brother never speak
My sister never asks how I am
I don't think all sibling relationship are great
I think we are told they will be and I get your sadness I feel terribly sad my daughters family will be tiny. But I wanted to say it might not be want you wanted anyway

Therightman999isstillhere · 06/01/2023 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Talaforniababe · 07/01/2023 00:06

I have a brother who's a good bit older. To some extent I was an only child growing up anyway. The only advantage having a sib gives me is that it's slightly easier dealing with my elderly dad. That's about it. After he dies not sure how much in touch we'll be. I think you're romanticising having a sibling.

BabyOnBoard90 · 07/01/2023 00:09

Oh dear. Stay away from drugs kids.

EsmeT · 07/01/2023 00:11

Having siblings isn't all what it's cracked up to be.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2023 00:12

@Therightman999isstillhere

Find a new hobby.

CallieQ · 07/01/2023 01:15

What's a PBP

Ruffpuff · 07/01/2023 01:31

I’m not an only child, but my sister is 9 years older than me. I loved her dearly as a child, but felt very jealous of friends who had siblings close in age. I wanted my big sis, but I also wanted a sibling closer in age (apparently when I was 4 I went around telling everyone I was having a little brother, my mum worked it out after people kept congratulating her!).

My older sister has suffered with severe MH issues since she was 18. She’s now not the person she was and operates like someone with the mental age of 14- but very abusive and unpredictable. I don’t feel like I have a sibling now, the person I knew died in spirit long ago. I’m lost, grieving and lonely. Most of all, I miss that sibling bond I once had. I feel guilty for having wanted more siblings at one point, whereas now I’d be overjoyed just to have her back. Mentally and in life it’s as if I’m older than her now, and she hates me for it.

it’s hard for me to talk in a group as if I have a sibling, when I feel like I’ve been an only child with a sick family member to care for since I was 11. In adulthood I’m an only- but I’m not technically. My sister was wonderful and she looked after me in such a beautiful way as a child (my dad left so she became my ‘second parent’). I adored her, she was kind, gentle, empathetic, and she was devoted to me, when I felt unwanted as a child she reminded me that she’d prayed upon a star for me to be born, but sometimes I wish I had been born an only. The pain of loosing her is worse than never having had her at all.

pinkpotatoez · 07/01/2023 02:03

Only child here. I've always wanted a sibling but more so to help handle things when my parents need care, funerals etc in the future. At the same time I've always been able to have my parents full attention and have had help in life that I probably wouldn't have gotten if they had another child. I want my child to have a sibling but I do think it's easier to give an only child a head start in life.

Ostagazuzulum · 07/01/2023 03:16

On flip side I have a brother (def not DB) and we don't speak. He has caused a lot of stress and grief over years. My DP both are elderly and in poor health and it's all left to me to sort which I don't mind but the thought of having to deal with DB at funeral etc when time comes is more stress than needed. I'd quite like to be only child.

Plus my DH has two siblings. They get on but they speak only when they all visit MIL. They don't text or meet up. I wouldn't call them close.

We are sibling like relationships with friends which mean more

NumberTheory · 07/01/2023 03:41

Your feelings are your feelings, and in that sense they aren’t unreasonable. But you have no idea whether having a sibling would have been better or worse for you, you can beset about it but it’s no different from being upset you weren’t born to parents who were French or loved gardening.

You are comparing your real life, with all its ups and downs, against a fantasy you’ve created from the good bits your friends have told you about their relationships. But you probably don’t hear nearly as much about the sibling relationships that aren’t so good. The ones who rarely talk to their siblings or where there’s some sort of golden child thing going on, the ones who fought like crazy and can barely be civil to each other. They don’t come up in conversation as much because most people tend to stay away from the siblings that aren’t good to be around and to focus on the positive.

As with most things, comparison is the thief of joy.

You have nothing to gain and some to lose by concentrating on this line of thinking.

tensmumm · 07/01/2023 04:54

IIt's also about learning how to stick up for yourself and being assertive so you don't end up becoming a people pleasing door mat. My parents had a lot of expectations that I sadly never fulfilled. You end up being the focus of their hopes and aspirations which can be a big burden to carry.

I'm not an only and I could say the same thing. I had a sibling who bullied me. Parent's who idolize a sibling who is a drug taking, lying, selfish excuse of a person. I was honest, kind and hardworking and no matter how 'good' I was, I was never good enough. Being gifted was my only value but I didn't live up to their expectations, mostly because of what was done to me and the damage it's caused. I was abused as a child. My mother has all of 2 maternal bones in her body and neither were ever directed at me. I would've been much better off as an only, as having siblings and a mother that couldn't cope with multiple children has hurt me deeply. Not only do I feel lonely and unloved, but every kind of abuse I suffered has been very damaging.

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