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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad about being an only child?

115 replies

Itsjustmeonmyown · 06/01/2023 20:32

I am 38, an only child to two wonderful parents.
They desperately wanted more children but had fertility issues and it took them an age to just have me. They were unable to have any further children.
As I get older, I am finding myself more and more upset about being an only child. Seeing how well friends get on with their sisters, having support if parents get ill and when they're old and you're having to sort out their affairs etc.
I have cousins, but I am not close to them. I am married and have children of my own, but I really wish I had a sibling.
I am close to my parents and of course I worry about when they're not here anymore.
YABU - being an only child is great/suck it up buttercup
YANBU - it is hard and can be lonely

OP posts:
Hotpinkangel19 · 06/01/2023 20:48

I'm the only child of my parents together. Both had 2 children to other marriages previous and they haven't bothered with me since my parents died nearly six years ago. There's no guarantee that having siblings mean you'd get along.

MilkyYay · 06/01/2023 20:50

There'll be pros and cons of either.

ChocHotolate · 06/01/2023 20:50

I am an o my child and both my parents were only children too. I have no siblings and no cousins (or aunts/uncles obs). I have a wonderful husband and 2 kids but I used to feel very lonely

Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/01/2023 20:51

I have 3 siblings but may as well be an only - much younger than them and lots of family estrangements mean I dont really have a relationship with any of them. At least if you are truly an only there is a reason why you dont have good sibling relationships. It makes me so sad I have no siblings to look up to, support and to support me.

FluffyYucca · 06/01/2023 20:52

I like being an only child, but I do get your worries about parents getting older etc.

The main thing I dislike is that a few of my friends in the past have been very much of the view that they need to prioritise siblings over anyone non-related, even when they don’t get on with siblings, so have let me down when siblings have had minor dramas. But I’ve learnt to choose better friends now!

Movingsoon21 · 06/01/2023 20:52

You feel how you feel but you’re missing something that might never have been anyway. My husband hates his brother, who brings him/us nothing but misery and difficulties. DH’s life is genuinely worse because of his brother’s existence IMO. That could have been you if your parents had had a second!

Xmasbaby11 · 06/01/2023 20:52

I think your feelings are valid. I'm not that close to my brother and I know my parents' care will largely fall to me but we do care about each other and I'm grateful for our relationship.

Maybe your sadness is partly because you know your parents wanted another child? You sound v close and I'm sure they have come to terms with it now and are so happy to have you as a daughter.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 06/01/2023 20:53

I have a sister very close in age, we have never got on. My memories of her are all of her bullying me. I’ve never felt the close sibling bond I often hear people talk about and we’ve never shared the care for my parents, that’s all been me. Having a sibling is only lovely if you actually get on.

TokyoSushi · 06/01/2023 20:53

I'm an only, I don't really like it. I absolutely know that a relationship isn't guaranteed but I see lots of people doing thing with their sister etc and I'd love that.

Also elderly parents are a lot for one person.

GiltEdges · 06/01/2023 20:53

We’re all different, but personally I love being an only and don’t relate to any of the negatives that are often trotted out. My own positive experience is the main reason why DS will also be an only by choice and DH wholeheartedly agrees, despite being the middle of 3 himself. He doesn’t get along with either of his siblings as adults, and is completely NC with one of them.

justanothermummma · 06/01/2023 20:54

100% with you on this OP. I found it really pressured as a child and still do now. Luckily my OH has a sibling so my kids have a cousin otherwise family would feel so small.

AnnaMagnani · 06/01/2023 20:55

I'm older than you and bloody love it.

I've seen so many sibling fall outs, probably more than actually like their siblings.

DH loves his, but in a contact them at Christmas and birthdays way.

What really brought it home to me was when our dads died. Mine was first and I found it v hard basically being the only one and doing everything.

However when I saw what happened with DH and the endless fallings out over who was or wasn't doing stuff, the funeral was even worse when no-one could agree over anything I thought nope, being an only child is very special and I wouldn't have it another way.

Kpo58 · 06/01/2023 20:58

I'm an only and I too wish that I had siblings. It's a type of bond that I have always felt was missing. I hated quiet Christmases and never having anyone to talk to when visiting extended family. Holidays and weekends were lonely times (so was school, but that's another matter). I feel that I have missed out on learning how to connect with other people as I didn't get the practice at home.

RandomMess · 06/01/2023 20:59

Your feelings are valid but a fantasy.

You are assuming you would have had wonderful sibling relationships and they are in the minority.

I'm very low contact with my sibling and parents because it was toxic. Have been on my own since my late teens.

Ginger1982 · 06/01/2023 20:59

I'm an only too and, 99% of the time, am perfectly happy. As a kid, I never wished for a sibling. As an adult, I sometimes wonder what a sibling relationship would be like.

But we can't change it. We're only children and that's it. There is honestly no point feeling sad and depressed over something like this which you cannot change. You need to focus on all the positives of being an only one. I have an only child. I would have liked more but medically can't. Similarly, there's no point in me moping over something I cannot change.

KylieCharlene · 06/01/2023 21:00

I'm an only child.
I would have loved a sibling when I was younger and still feel the same in my 40's.
I feel a lot of responsibility as my parents get older and worry about their failing health. I don't feel I've anyone to share my worries with (dp not as invested obviously).
My parents are also both only children too so I've never had any 'real' aunt's, uncle's or cousins and don't have anyone who I feel would also look out for them.
I miss having nieces/nephews too and would relish being an Aunt.
I have two dc. I feel sad they don't have Aunt's or Uncles and possibly cousins on 'my' side.
My dc are still young and don't really get on but I'm happy they still have each other and hope their relationship changes as they mature.

WaddleAway · 06/01/2023 21:01

I’m the same age. I wasn’t an only child but my brother died 15 years ago.
It’s hard. My parents are divorced so I will a lot of pressure in terms of time spent with them/special occasions etc. I am so envious of people with living siblings. My children don’t have any cousins, and I find that tough too.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 06/01/2023 21:03

Cuppasoupmonster · 06/01/2023 20:47

But that’s the point; she’s never had the opportunity to know. And more people than not get along with their siblings even if they’re not very close, than those who actively hate them.

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That's true. I'm saying BU because it's a waste of energy to dwell on things that didn't happen, especially if out of your control

Annabel073 · 06/01/2023 21:03

I'm 50 and the only child of two only children. I've always absolutely loved it. I can't remember ever wanting a sibling.

Cuppasoupmonster · 06/01/2023 21:05

I’m one of 5. I think in hindsight it was too many. 2 siblings would’ve been better perhaps, it was a mad house. As adults we have our ups and downs but I think overall they’ve been a positive in my life. I think it was good for me as a child/teen - we had a lot of laughs, it taught me how to live alongside other people and thrive in chaos rather than needing an environment which was very focussed on me.

I find onlies to be quite intense/serious characters which often seem more mature than their years, which is both good and bad. Kids from big families tend to be a bit more immature and ‘silly’/laid back, unless they’re the oldest. Again both good and bad.

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/01/2023 21:05

A different perspective. I’m not an only child but often wished I was because my sibling is an horrible human being.

I chose not to see him again when I reached adulthood, over four decades ago.

Life is what you make it.

DidyouNO · 06/01/2023 21:05

I really feel that too. I wasn't born an only child though. My brother was killed when I was 18. I'm now 48, a mum of four and I wish my children had cousins, that our family was bigger. My mums an only child too and my dad (who's recently passed away) has a brother I've never met as he emigrated to Australia in 1968. So no aunts, uncles, cousins for me either.

Nuttynuttyjob · 06/01/2023 21:05

I’m one of four and not close to any of them in fact each and every one is an absolute pain in the arse. Grass is always greener.

Cuppasoupmonster · 06/01/2023 21:06

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 06/01/2023 21:03

That's true. I'm saying BU because it's a waste of energy to dwell on things that didn't happen, especially if out of your control

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Of course it is but we don’t say that to people ttc. I would say wishing you had a sibling isn’t the same as wishing you had a child, the latter must run a lot deeper, but it’s the same sort of wishing for somebody hypothetical.

Ineedaholidaynowplease · 06/01/2023 21:06

Your feelings are valid but equally I agree that you are probably only looking at it through the lens of having a great relationship with your sibling. That is not guaranteed.

There are pros and cons to being an only and likewise to having siblings. To the poster who said ppl with siblings will never understand, that is true. But equally only children will never understand the complexity and difficulty having siblings who are toxic brings. My relationship with my parents is without doubt less positive than it woukd be if I'd been an only. My sibling would say the same I bet.