Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is having an affair both are married.

333 replies

Themind · 06/01/2023 18:18

My friend has been married to her husband for 10 years two girls age 8 and 5. As far as I am aware no particular issues with their marriage we have been friends for about 6 years and re quite close. Husband seems like a nice guy but I don't know him as well. I was aware about two years ago she'd had a fling but it had allegedly ended before she'd told me. My husband and I went to the theatre yesterday and ther she was with the man she'd had the fling with earlier. She realised I'd seen her and looked shocked but sat down so I didn't approach. Queue a phone call this morning and several others throughout the day begging me noto to say anything to her husband. She confessed that she had never ended it with him first time round and had carried on cheating. He has lots of money wife doesn't understand him all the usual tripe and he won't leave because his wife will be entitled to half his cash.
She loves him apparently and would leave her husband in a heart beat. Please tell me what to do? I have a incline to walk away and never talk to her again, my husband suggested give her an ultimatum and tell her that if she doesn't tell him I will. I'm scared to death that I wouldn't want to be responsible for ruining their girls lives but ultimately she has cheated her husband and children hasn't she? I'd rather know I I was her husband.
Any ideas welcome, I hate this.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 06/01/2023 21:20

OldFan · 06/01/2023 21:16

I'd never block a friend having an affair, nobody's perfect, we all mistakes.

It isn't a mistake, it's a choice to do and carry on doing something awful.

Exactly this. A drunken snog on a drunken office night out or even a one night stand would be mistakes. Not an affair lasting several years. That is just shitty behaviour.

ReneBumsWombats · 06/01/2023 21:20

AnxiousPancreas · 06/01/2023 20:52

I’m not blaming him - the DH is the one saying OP should tell the DH, it says so in the OP.

And, if he knew, why would the friend be begging OP not to tell him? He obviously doesn’t know. We know nothing of their financial situation or how childcare would be split.

My suggestion creates less drama, not more. It prevents the friend kicking off at OP because there’s a degree of separation.

Show quote history

To add, your suggestion is also a ridiculously transparent contrivance and nobody will be so stupid that they won't see what you're doing.

If you must go charging into her marriage, then at least don't insult everyone's intelligence while you do it. If it's your business enough to get involved, you can take your consequences like you've decided everyone else must.

Zola1 · 06/01/2023 21:23

This is nothing to do with you. Don't interfere. I don't understand wanting to end a friendship over this.. it doesn't affect you. Live and let live.

Gabby8 · 06/01/2023 21:25

I personally wouldn’t tell, it’s not your business and would you really want the fall out on your conscience? You also don’t know if her husband already knows and is turning a blind eye/ having an affair of his own/ planning on leaving her etc. I think meddling in anyone’s relationship is a mistake… tbh, It sounds like she’s pretty careless and either has been or will be caught. Why drag your family into that drama? That being said I completely understand feeling let down by your friend and the feeling of betrayal, I’d probably be distancing myself but explain why first….Say that you don’t condone what she’s doing but wish her all the best. The other point I would make (and apologies if I’ve misread), is that you saw her at the theatre - unless you have written proof in messages it’s pretty easy to come up with a reasonable explanation. She could just Denny it.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 06/01/2023 21:28

It's not your business, but I'd end the friendship. The poor children.

Twilight7777 · 06/01/2023 21:28

I’d do what @AnxiousPancreas said.

ILoveYouMoreTheEnd · 06/01/2023 21:28

Why don't you just tell his wife then? Not that it's your friend that is yhe OW, you could do it anonymously. Your friend needs to make a choice and have some respect for her Husband, leave him and go it alone if she's that unhappy with her marriage or end the affair. Don't threaten to expose her, tell her your thoughts and just cool the friendship and be there for her when the shit explodes as it will eventually. X

ReneBumsWombats · 06/01/2023 21:29

Twilight7777 · 06/01/2023 21:28

I’d do what @AnxiousPancreas said.

You wouldn't fool anyone and you'd have no place to talk about self-serving lies.

Blossomtoes · 06/01/2023 21:30

Zola1 · 06/01/2023 21:23

This is nothing to do with you. Don't interfere. I don't understand wanting to end a friendship over this.. it doesn't affect you. Live and let live.

This. Mind your own business.

huniepop · 06/01/2023 21:31

Thegap · 06/01/2023 21:11

It's none of your business to tell her husband.You have said you don't know him well anyway. Nobody knows what goes on between four walls before anyone wants to be the judge. I'd never block a friend having an affair, nobody's perfect, we all mistakes.

And if it was your husband she's onto next, you'd stand by this? Just a mistake, no big deal.

Understand not getting involved but it's not just a mistake, it's an awful thing

StillWantingADog · 06/01/2023 21:39

Nothing to do with you. I wouldn’t want to discuss it with her at all but I probably would keep her as a friend, for now.

if she’s going to places like the theatre with the OM though, surely chances were always quite high of being “caught”.

SpringsRightAroundTheCorner · 06/01/2023 21:40

Unless the man she's having an affair with is your husband I struggle to see what business it is of yours? If you can't possibly be friends with someone who has an affair well end your friendship. I really don't understand why you'd be needing to tell anyone? You aren't really her friend if you can't keep it to yourself , I could sort of understand if you were really close to the husband or something but by the sounds of it you don't even really know him. What exactly would you gain here? Keep your beak out.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/01/2023 21:42

Nailed in the first post by FellForAWrongUnAgain. Whether you decide to stay friends is up to you but this is none of your business.

I occasionally wonder at the motives of the cheerleaders so happy for somebody else to extract revenge for their own failed relationships. Nothing to do with them either but I expect they'd like an update if they can convince you to wreck havoc on somebody else's marriage.

If you were that certain of the right steps, OP, you wouldn't need to ask. If in doubt, First do no harm.

SeeYouNextTLol · 06/01/2023 21:44

Karma 🤞

ReneBumsWombats · 06/01/2023 21:48

I occasionally wonder at the motives of the cheerleaders so happy for somebody else to extract revenge for their own failed relationships.

Excellently put.

And all the ridiculous contrivances to hide their own hand in it. Tell your husband to tell her husband because he's all husbandy and it's what husbands would do! After all, it is imperative that the wife knows at all costs! Except any costs to me!

OldFan · 06/01/2023 21:48

If you were that certain of the right steps, OP, you wouldn't need to ask. If in doubt, First do no harm.

Arguably OP is letting a harm carry on by not letting the husband know what's happening in his own life and how much he's being betrayed.

Blossomtoes · 06/01/2023 21:49

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/01/2023 21:42

Nailed in the first post by FellForAWrongUnAgain. Whether you decide to stay friends is up to you but this is none of your business.

I occasionally wonder at the motives of the cheerleaders so happy for somebody else to extract revenge for their own failed relationships. Nothing to do with them either but I expect they'd like an update if they can convince you to wreck havoc on somebody else's marriage.

If you were that certain of the right steps, OP, you wouldn't need to ask. If in doubt, First do no harm.

Very well said.

Onthemaintrunkline · 06/01/2023 21:50

Keep well out of it.

AnxiousPancreas · 06/01/2023 21:50

ReneBumsWombats · 06/01/2023 21:16

Your suggestion adds even more layers of deceit and dishonesty and involves yet more people. And it's all done entirely to protect you, your motives and your involvement, and pin it on someone else. It's absolutely horrible.

Show quote history

No it doesn’t. Where’s the deceit and dishonesty? Who would be involved that isn’t already?

donttellmehesalive · 06/01/2023 21:50

girlfriend44 · 06/01/2023 21:01

Don't be judgemental and mind your own business. Deffo.not your place to tell her husband.

Nothing wrong with judging someone for setting out to intentionally deceive and hurt someone. Behaviour and character is really the only thing I think it's ok to judge. I wish there was more of it.

BabyOnBoard90 · 06/01/2023 21:51

You might regret saying something, you won't regret minding your business.

Stravaig · 06/01/2023 21:51

Listen up, all the people here having affairs, or condoning those who do.

If I, as a private citizen, discover information pivotal to the health and well-being of someone I know in my personal life, I may well pass it on to them.

If you don't want that to happen, then you need to ensure that I don't ever find out. That means you don't get to swan in public with your lover. Nor do get to make me complicit in your deceit by tearfully confessing all whilst begging me not to tell. Are you clear about your responsibilities?

BethDuttonsTwin · 06/01/2023 21:54

Stravaig · 06/01/2023 21:51

Listen up, all the people here having affairs, or condoning those who do.

If I, as a private citizen, discover information pivotal to the health and well-being of someone I know in my personal life, I may well pass it on to them.

If you don't want that to happen, then you need to ensure that I don't ever find out. That means you don't get to swan in public with your lover. Nor do get to make me complicit in your deceit by tearfully confessing all whilst begging me not to tell. Are you clear about your responsibilities?

What a twatty post 😆

ReneBumsWombats · 06/01/2023 21:56

Listen up, all the people here having affairs, or condoning those who do.

I've not seen anyone condoning affairs.

Original poster
Themind · 06/01/2023 21:58

I do know her husband but just not as well as I know her. We have been out to dinner a few times all together. He has his own friends etc. He appears to be a nice guy. He takes care of the kids while she goes "away for work"
Apparently her husband new she'd had a one night stand two years ago but they apparently worked through it. It appears that it never ended at all.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread