Friend is having an affair both are married.

[Themind]

My friend has been married to her husband for 10 years two girls age 8 and 5. As far as I am aware no particular issues with their marriage we have been friends for about 6 years and re quite close. Husband seems like a nice guy but I don't know him as well. I was aware about two years ago she'd had a fling but it had allegedly ended before she'd told me. My husband and I went to the theatre yesterday and ther she was with the man she'd had the fling with earlier. She realised I'd seen her and looked shocked but sat down so I didn't approach. Queue a phone call this morning and several others throughout the day begging me noto to say anything to her husband. She confessed that she had never ended it with him first time round and had carried on cheating. He has lots of money wife doesn't understand him all the usual tripe and he won't leave because his wife will be entitled to half his cash.
She loves him apparently and would leave her husband in a heart beat. Please tell me what to do? I have a incline to walk away and never talk to her again, my husband suggested give her an ultimatum and tell her that if she doesn't tell him I will. I'm scared to death that I wouldn't want to be responsible for ruining their girls lives but ultimately she has cheated her husband and children hasn't she? I'd rather know I I was her husband.
Any ideas welcome, I hate this.

If he is a nice guy working hard and being a good dad he probably won’t know about his wife cheating ever. She probably is a so called house wive living la vida loca. I really hope she gets caught but if he is a nice guy chump then she is going to get away with it 🤦‍♂️

Keep out of it. You've even said you don't know the husband. It's not your business. Yet you seem to want to tripe right on in on your high horse and tell her family. Just because you'd rather know yourself doesn't mean you have a right to interfere in other peoples relationships or problems. If you want to do anything at all just say you don't want to be friends anymore then that cuts ties. End of.

If you value your friendship, I would not take it upon yourself to tell her husband, unless of course you consider him to be a close friend too, that makes it trickier.

Ultimately what’s more of a question for me is can you remain friends with her knowing she’s cheating, is that something you could remain non judgemental/neutral about for the sake of your friendship. You could also opt to stay friends, if you do value her friendship, but draw boundaries and insist you don’t want to hear about her affair or her affair partner as it puts you in a difficult position, and while you don’t want to interfere in her life, you feel uncomfortable knowing about it and might feel like you’re condoning it/sort of becoming a bit conspiratorial. You have a right to your own feelings, boundaries and moral compass, but I don’t think a right to interfere in someone else’s relationship. You don’t know the consequences that will have down the line, you will almost certainly lose your friend and break up her marriage, but there could be more besides.

My days you love a drama

wtf blaming dh for wanting to tell her DH

he might already know a lot of men put up with this as the alternative is to be kicked out of the family home have what ever scraps of access to the kids the wife allows and are totally fucked finically

You don't know him. Mind your own business.

You know nothing about their relationship, so perhaps you should reserve judgement.

I was in this position with a close friend. She was very unhappy and mistreated by her DH. I understood why the affair appealed.

As time went on I could see holes in her story. She wasn’t being mistreated at all but she needed a reason.

I told her it would come out but she was quite obnoxious in her belief that it never would. It did, in glorious fashion, and only then did I realise what a piece of work she was. She just could not stop lying. Her theatrics were a sight to behold. I watched aghast. I realised how many times she’d brought me into the lies by saying she was with me etc. I’d minded my own business not knowing she’d had me right in the mix.

I decided I didn’t want to know someone like that & I’ve never spoken to her since.

she’s since divorced and found herself a new man. Also someone else’s husband.

If you associate with those who are malicious it will be you next. If someone can shit all over their spouse & children imagine how dispensable you are to them.

Say nothing to her DH, because you don’t know him, but stay away from this friend. She’s a wrong un.

I'm amazed that people go out so publicly when they're having an affair. Maybe they subconsciously want to be caught? I'd think you'd at least try to be more clandestine rather than going to somewhere with hundreds of people where anyone could see you. Surely it's only a matter of time before they got spotted.

I’m not blaming him - the DH is the one saying OP should tell the DH, it says so in the OP.

And, if he knew, why would the friend be begging OP not to tell him? He obviously doesn’t know. We know nothing of their financial situation or how childcare would be split.

My suggestion creates less drama, not more. It prevents the friend kicking off at OP because there’s a degree of separation.

I was in this position recently with a male work colleague who told me he was having an affair with my neighbour. I gave him 2 weeks to tell his wife or I would. He had 3 kids. Once the information is out they lose control of the truth.if they are in public they risk witnesses seeing them - so that's on them. They obviously weren't too worried about being seen in a theatre full of people.

I would tell her husband or tell her to tell him. Or he could be told anonymously. It's wrong to expect someone to keep your lie, least of all a friend whose been cheated on and for what it's worth so have I and 100% would want someone to tell me too.

If DH’s friend were having an affair and DH just nodded along with it then it’d give me some nagging doubts about how he feels about cheating, loyalty, decency and respect. OP, your DH clearly thinks it’s immoral for you to just turn a blind eye here, do you think you could be damaging your own marriage by keeping her secret?

It wouldn't affect my friendship either. You can be a good person and do morally questionable things.

I can understand why people say it's none of your business and to keep quiet. But - your silence makes you complicit in the deception. If my partner were having an affair I'd want to know.

I don't think this is about your friend, at all. This is about you getting revenge on a 'cheater' because someone cheated on you and you need revenge, any way you can get it. I understand how you could feel like this but you need to have a long, hard think about why you want to tell your friend's husband about her.

@AllOfThemWitches not really. You can make shit decisions and mistakes but contrived, drawn out shittiness makes you a shit person.

Don't be judgemental and mind your own business. Deffo.not your place to tell her husband.

Because being in a theatre or a resturant isn't having sex and as long as they're only seen doing one of the former and not the latter, no one can prove anything untoward. You need only visit the current thread about the husband having dinner with his female boss to see the appetite there is for assuming innocence. So they're seen at the theatre, they're just friends/colleagues aren't they? And any partner suspecting otherwise is just 'controlling'. Even if they are seen, as long as they deny and don't crack, their risk is small.

Well it would be the end of my friendship with her, definitively. Deliberate and ongoing deceit, betrayal of trust, and abuse of power. It revolts me.

Her husband is entitled to all the information he needs to make informed, empowered and healthy decisions for himself and his children. That is also definitive. Just as we would say to any woman here being cheated on. What if she passes on an STD from her lover to her husband? Or a child? Etc, etc.

Whether or not I personally would tell her husband, and how, I'm less sure. It would depend on how close I or my husband were to him. It may be more appropriate for your DH to inform him. Either way, you and DH really have to jointly agree a course of action.

Cut her off immediately & don’t look back. You don’t need a “friend” like that.

Dont say anything to her husband (they have kids; it’s complicated).

Maybe the fact that you know will be enough to make her think more seriously over what to do now.

She will always wonder if you will ever tell and that may be worse than actually doing it.

I'd keep out.
No one loves the messenger.

It's none of your business to tell her husband.You have said you don't know him well anyway. Nobody knows what goes on between four walls before anyone wants to be the judge. I'd never block a friend having an affair, nobody's perfect, we all mistakes.

Definitely stay out of it.

Stob being friends with her, her behaviour isn't ok.

Your suggestion adds even more layers of deceit and dishonesty and involves yet more people. And it's all done entirely to protect you, your motives and your involvement, and pin it on someone else. It's absolutely horrible.

I'd never block a friend having an affair, nobody's perfect, we all mistakes.

It isn't a mistake, it's a choice to do and carry on doing something awful.

Don't get involved and distance yourself from your friend. I understand how you feel, op, but you intervening will not help, in fact it might complicate matters. Stand back, the affair will work itself out one way or another.

Please try not to worry. It's a pity your husband knows about it but that's how it is. I'm sure you have other friends and anyway you don't have to end this particular friendship, just cool it for now.

All the best.