Taxi driver emotionally blackmailing me

[AmberAndAlexsMum]

Sounds drastic I know, but my ds (17) goes to an SEN college, which is 25 miles away. He gets a taxi, paid for by the council, to take him and bring him back.

Now ds has severe sleep issues, he's had all his life, and sometimes he simply cannot sleep at night and ends up too exhausted to go in. If this happens I always text the driver as early as possible.

Over the last 6 months or so, every time I've texted him to say ds isn't going in, he's responded by complaining that he's losing money as he only gets paid when the kids go in.

I appreciate that, but surely he doesn't have the right to emotionally blackmail me? He knows I'm empathic and don't like causing problems, but I'm beginning to think that he is deliberately doing this.

AIBU to expect him to accept that ds can't always go to college? I've had no problems with previous drivers and I always make sure to let them know before they leave home.

I imagine the council pay the taxi company to supply the service, whether your son uses it or not.

His issue definitely needs to be with his employer and/or the council, not you.

Difficult as it is, try not to take it personally. You're not doing anything wrong by not letting your son go to college when he's too tired, and he's not wrong for moaning about it if he isn't being paid.

It doesn't sound like he's missed a huge amount of taxis, so I think the taxi driver might be overexaggerating slightly to say he can't pay his bills because your son hasn't been well enough to go to college a few times.

You sound like an excellent Mum and you have my sympathy for 17 years of sleepless nights! My sibling is SEN too and moved to a residential college at 16. I think that might have been when my DP's got their first decent night's sleep since they were born.

I do feel for the taxi driver but this is something he needs to speak to his employer about as I’m guessing they get paid a lump sum for the service by the council and will be paid regardless of wether ops son uses the taxi or not.
As for comments from some of the posters on here I hope op doesn’t take them to heart. As a mother of a child with autism and developmental delay I have had to grow a very thick skin and realise that some people will never understand.
To the person that wrote your son is 17 he is old enough to be aware of the impact he’s having, he has a disability What part of that do YOU not understand🤦‍♀️? I’ve just spent the last 6 months trying to get my son to understand the word “because” and how and when to use it and you come in here expecting everyone to be the same and have the same level of understanding as you and it’s beyond ignorant.

I can see both sides of the coin. It is clear your son has specific needs that prevent him getting up, however I can understand the taxi drivers frustration.
It is likely that other taxi drivers will be frustrated with the same frustration even it they haven't expressed it. I would say it is a tricky situation.

contact the council and ask them to change the taxi company or driver.

I've done this before due to the driver and escort abusing the children in the taxi. The company lost their contract.

@restorativejustice

Please read my other posts explaining my short/blunt/logical initial response.

1. Regarding medication, her son is now potentially able to go on higher dose or other medications as approaching adulthood so revisiting medication at this point is worthwhile. Particularly as he is so stressed.
2. He needs an education, but the particular form he has walked into doesn’t seem to be fitting as they can’t offer a rest room as his previous school did. So maybe looking at flexible distance learning or attending somewhere else while ensuring he has comparable socialisation might be sensible so he is happy, well and able to achieve.
3. He has missed taxi driver last minute 4 days in 4 months. But he has also missed the taxi driver every single day that he has been sick and absent from college. The amount of time off sick hasn’t been specified but is significant enough for the OP to mention it. I would suspect ill quite frequently as this is what tends to happen when autistics are stressed.
4. Flexible online learning is accessible to people with aspergers level autism and can be preferable cutting out transitions/social demands etc. Other options for socialisations in less stressful context could be supplemented in.
5. Totally disagree, many people with SEN learn to drive.

Bang on the nail.

As someone with a SEN sibling the ignorance of other posters is, unfortunately, not a surprise to me.

The amount of times over the years my DP's have been shouted at for parking in a disabled bay. "You shouldn't be parking there - you can walk!", then not even backing down when they see a massive wheelchair being brought out of the boot, because, you know, disabled spaces are only for disabled drivers.

Or the people that just stand there and stare when they see a severely disabled person...

Or the ones that tell you you're "lucky" that the LA put on transport (that picks up at 7am) so your DC can go to a school an hour away, while their poor little darling has to walk half a mile to their primary school.

Times were really tough for our family due to my sibling. There was no way my DM could work as there was no holiday care provision and no family support for looking after my sibling. They got one week's respite care a year and that was in term-time. As a result, my DF regularly worked 60 hour weeks, just to make ends meet and we were still really hard up. My DM admitted over Christmas that as much as she loves my sibling, it really had a massive negative impact on their lives and things could have been so different for them.

Parenting a SEN child is hard. It nearly broke my DM, who later told me she was so depressed she'd even chosen her suicide method, so that no-one would ever find her.

As my sibling's SEN is due to a genetic condition, seeing my DM going through that is probably the main reason that I don't have any children. In my head my DM is the strongest woman I know and it nearly broke her. I was so worried that there was no way I'd cope if it happened to me too.

I can understand why OP has taken the taxi driver's comments to heart.

Well done, OP. The taxi driver is being unprofessional in complaining to you.

It is two distinct issues. The driver should contact his taxi firm and ask to be reallocated. The taxi firm should renegotiate with the council if their contract has unreasonable cancellation terms. However, it may be the taxi firm exploiting their driver by not passing on payment made irrespective of cancellation.

OP's contact is with the council who provide her son with transport. The driver allocated does not have the necessary awareness or experience for this booking. The council should have ensured appropriate diversity training before awarding the contract. It sounds like they'll sort this out.

She didn't say he had had a lot of time off for sickness, just that he had had some sickness in addition to the four days attributable to the tiredness problem. That is hardly surprising in the autumn term. For all we know, it was a couple of days. He is at an SEN college which has already said he should not come in if he is overtired, so it's likely that they have a system in place to deal with missing work - it's not like, say, missing a chunk of the A level syllabus.

If OP could resolve the sleep problem easily, do you imagine she would not be doing so? As has been pointed out, your experience really is not universal for all people with ASD.

He really shouldn’t be putting that onto a parent of a child with SEN. He should take it up with his employer. I’d be tempted to show the messages to his employer to see if I could be allocated a driver that wasn’t going to send me emotional claptrap because my child with additional needs wasn’t able to attend their educational placement sometimes due to complications of said needs.

If you cancel within 24 hours the driver should still be paid, that's completely reasonable.

Cancelling 4 times since September plus unknown number of sick days (should we assume a week?) means that poor driver has not been paid during those times. That adds up. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel to rely on those wages and then not get them?

It's definitely not emotional blackmail.

What is OP meant to do though? She can't man handle her son and make him go.

@SnowlayRoundabout

Of course my experience is not universal - there is a spectrum, and individual differences too.

It doesn’t really matter if there is an A level syllabus or whatever, any missed work or dipping in and out of the normal routine will be stressful and cause disorientation in an autistic person, particularly if it is repeated.

The boy is now 17 and there may be other treatments and medications/dosages available that were not in childhood. It’s a very valid point that revisiting medication/therapies at this point for sleep issues is necessary. Particularly at a stressful time.

As for the “autumn sickness is normal”… if it is repeatedly and of extended duration it isn’t normal. And any sickness will be less tolerated when an autistic person is stressed and sensory experiences are heightened.

I hope OP is able to resolve the issue by getting a new driver, and that some progress can be made to make things easier for her son to manage.

@VegetableGoyoza I had to step away from this thread because of the sheer number of posters who do not know what they are talking about and still feel the need to comment and insult people who live this life all day every day.

You are correct the money from the LA does go to the taxi firm and they pay the drivers and chaperones, with my DD'S school she gets the same driver and chaperone every day and the taxi firms contract comes up for renewal every year. They get over £6k per child per school year, they also get money for cleaning if the child has an accident.

Your last line says it all : The amount of ableism on this thread is depressing but not surprising.

The boy is now 17 and there may be other treatments and medications/dosages available that were not in childhood. It’s a very valid point that revisiting medication/therapies at this point for sleep issues is necessary. Particularly at a stressful time.

I always love it on these threads when people feel the need to talk to the parents of disabled (or ill) children like they’re stupid and haven’t thought of things.

Its not a remotely valid point when it’s not the point of the thread.

Its insulting to the OP when people suggest there are things she could be doing but isn’t

I doubt that it's down to the council. They will have their own contract with the cab firm, almost certainly on the basis that they pay a set amount irrespective of how many children are travelling each day - I doubt that the bureaucracy involve in tracking each journey is really justified. If there is a crappy employment set-up, it will relate to the arrangement between the cab company and its drivers.

I was thinking that he would probably get paid regardless of whether he took the child too? That’s what various taxi firms have told me when they have been contacted to take my child to school/college. Of course they prefer to have notice that they’re not needed but we know it doesn’t always work like that

WHY on EARTH would he berate the mother if he was getting paid anyway? That makes NO fucking sense. He gets a phone call saying he doesn't have to do the drop is a godsend for those who get paid anyway. You stay put and don't have to do the bloody run. The man WANTS to do the drop because he DOES NOT get paid otherwise.

Christ Alfuckingmighty. This is an issue with the Cab firm for not paying him.

Well, no, we shouldn't assume a week of sick days without evidence. School taxi drivers must surely be well aware of the risk of their charges getting ill in the autumn term, particularly with risking flu and covid infections. If they can't accommodate that risk they're in the wrong business.

Op is there only your son in this taxi or are there other children too?

Well, no, we shouldn't assume a week of sick days without evidence. School taxi drivers must surely be well aware of the risk of their charges getting ill in the autumn term, particularly with risking flu and covid infections. If they can't accommodate that risk they're in the wrong business.

So who does it then? Rich people who don't mind if their wages are down? How would you like if you were available for work and your job said...ahhh no, don't need you this morning and by the way... you don't get paid. Cop the hell on.

Do you think the OP should pay him? If not, then how is telling her his tale of woe going to make any difference? Do you think the OP should pay him? If so, why, when it's a service funded by the council? Who do you think should pay him?

By the way, I'm not suggesting for one minute that he shouldn't be paid, just that it's really not the fault/responsibility of the OP, whose child has an unpredictable health condition.

Sorry, repeated myself a bit there!!

@YetMoreNewBeginnings

I am a parent of a disabled child and a disabled person myself.

Sometimes you are so tired dealing with the shit it is hard to step back and see all options available.

I have always appreciated people giving me input and support when things are challenging.

Any suggestions made are supportive and are not to critique OP or undermine her intelligence and experience. But to give her confidence and hope in pursuing further treatment now that her son is becoming an adult.

Also, it is relevant to the thread. If he was able to sleep easier and more settled the issue with the taxi driver would not have escalated.

There's another boy in the taxi, also with sen, who is there 2 out of the 3 days they go.