AIBU to want/expect a little more

[Jimboscott0115]

Having a bit of an existential crisis I guess so thought I'd reach out for some advice sorry it's a long thread but I've tried to give plenty of info and may just be venting and get told to get in my box by you lot!

I live with my GF and have done since the first lockdown and have 3 DC (17, 14, 8) from a previous marriage who I have 50% of the time. Kids are happy, no drama with the ex or anything and everything broadly runs smoothly (as smoothly as it can with 3 DC!).

GF has a DS who is 22 and in theory stays with us 2 nights a week but is rarely here which is fairly standard with social life etc so no issues.

My challenge is my GF doesn't really engage with my DC, she's like another adult in the house but doesn't take much of an interest in them or really support with anything that may mean taking a little responsibility for them. Some examples:

• GF woke up and went to get a drink Late one night, my youngest DS8 woke up and came out of his room. Rather than put him to bed, she asked me to come out of bed and sort him. This is common at any time of the day if he ever needs something and I'm in a different room etc

• She'll never come on trips out or activities with the kids unless it's something she specifically wants to do. She's never been to either DD13 or or DS8 football training or matches which are often on my days, swimming lessons, won't come and sit with me and have a coffee if I take them to a trampoline centre etc (I often go on, but have said I'm happy not to as they don't need me) and rarely comes out for food or anything if we go out for lunch and won't spend any of her own money on family activities but will happily spend money to go out with me or friends at least weekly. She'd never dream of attending any school activities, sports days etc when invited. She won't even watch a family film with us if we have a film night unless it's something she wants to watch.

• Not a single time in nearly 3 years has she offered to look after one of them if I need to do something, helped me get them ready if we're going somewhere or even had any form of parenting type engagement with them (no behaviour discussions, no checking in on them proactively, no helping with morning routine when both younger DCs have inevitably misplaced PE kit or need something specific for packed lunches).

• She wants to know pick up times, drop off times, food plans etc every step of the way for the kids so she can measure the impact to her plans. Literally the first comment I get back after telling her I'm picking up later or need to run one of the kids somewhere is a question about how it'll impact her plans or she'll say something like 'well I might be going out at that time' to make it clear she can't / won't help. Going out in this context is usually going for a walk to get her steps in, noone to meet or time constraints etc. I'd clearly factor in solid plans which we write on our calendar. It happened tonight, I was taking DS13 to football training and had a work call to make while she was there so asked GF to look after DD8 at home (he was playing in his room and is very low maintenance when doing that) and immediately I got 'i might go for a walk, can you ask DS17' I did and all was fine, but it's the immediate stepping back from being asked and the fact that we both knew she wasn't going on a walk that got me.

So while my relationship with her is great when it's just us two, and the kids get on fine with her, AIBU to want or expect more? I don't want her to replace the kids mum, they have one - but I sit there at various events with kids who's stepparents are present and involved and sometimes wonder if I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life choosing between DC or GF or balancing them both precariously to make sure I can meet everyone's needs - and occasionally just hiding away for some 'me' time!

For context we've had a couple of arguments where I've asked for more support during really busy times or when things clash which wasn't given and she said she will in future, but it's never materialised.

Both work full time and both share household chores, cooking etc.

It’s sounds like she feels really uncomfortable being responsible for your children. It’s probably an idea in future not to compare other step families to yours. Every single dynamic is different and you maybe looking at one family in one moment is not the same as seeing the whole picture. Has the conversation been had to how she feels looking after your kids?

I think it’s clear your GF is not interested in parenting your kids in any capacity. I don’t think it’s a case of BU, you just have to decide if you’re happy with the arrangement. Has she ever expressed her thoughts on the matter or have you ever had a conversation about how things are going to be and what each of your expectations are?

I’ll be honest. I’d be the same if I were her.

When I first met my ex I was very involved and he started to take the piss. So I made a conscious decision that I wasn’t going to be taken advantage of.

She’s raised her own child, going back to taking care of young children again must feel like a bit of a step back.

While living together it would be ideal if she were more involved, she clearly doesn’t want to be, so I think you have to treat it as if you’re the only parent in the house (as you are) and act accordingly.

Step mums can’t win, they’re either over involved and the ex gets annoyed and the kids complain that they just want their dad, or they’re not loving enough, and the dad gets annoyed that he’s having to parent alone.

If you’re happy with her and she’s perfectly pleasant to your kids, just enjoy your relationship with her, and parent your DCs yourself.

If it was me, I'd want to be involved, make memories, support you, have coffee and chat whilst waiting for the kids etc. I'd vote she is unreasonable for this reason.

How old is she? Is there an age gap between you?

IMO if she's involved with and living in the same house as someone who has 3 kids plus one of her own, I'd expect her to at least pay a little attention to them in terms of basic needs. Nobody's asking her to be a replacement mum, it's more a question of being a responsible adult and a friend to them. I presume she knew who you were and what your situation was when you started living together?

I think it's definitely worth starting a dialogue if you're not happy with the status quo. I also suspect that if you were a woman posting this about a man, the responses might be quite different.

She’s certainly right at the extreme! I think it’s really unsupportive not to watch your child for an evening - a friend would do that. But on the other hand, I don’t think a stepparent has a role in attending a parents’ evening, unless perhaps if their partner is widowed and they’ve taken on a “full” parenting role. I don’t want my second husband at parents’ evening! Though he’s happy to hear me chat about it after.
So I think you’re expecting too much… and that’s maybe why she’s reluctant to cross the line at all?

“won't spend any of her own money on family activities but will happily spend money to go out with me or friends at least weekly.”

I think that’s perfectly reasonable!
Again, makes me think that it’s clear you expect too much, so she’s drawing very clear boundaries.

I hear you OP, I'm in a similar situation with my DP. I don't expect parents evening, but an occasional offer of help when I could really do with it would be nice.
Did she move in with you? Is it your house or joint?

She is making it crystal clear that she is in a relationship with you only and that is her right.

However I feel for your children having someone so utterly disinterested in them, living with their father, so there for all contact time.

I think you shouldn't be living with her, but see her when you don't have your children.

She doesn't add anything to their lives.

She has raised her son, she has zero interest in parenting your children or being involved at all.

Look, it depends on what you want from this. My DP and I don't and won't live together until my kids are grown. He has no interest in parenting day to day. He has done a lot that helps a lot, DIY, dealing with tech etc that is related to them, he has given the odd lift and at one point, for a few months, ran one DC to an activity that I couldn't manage. But that's it. We don't sit round and eat together or go on days or trips out. And that's absolutely fine with me. The relationship is for me, not them. I think if you're living together though, that's a bit different and I would imagine it's a bit odd to have such a distant relationship and would create a bit of an atmosphere. Ultimately you can't force her to want to be involved, but you can decide the dynamic isn't working and change it.

She really isn't interested in spending time with your dc is she ?! I can't see you being happy with this long term , especially not with the 8 year old being the age they are that's another 6 or so years of hands on parenting she isn't going to be involved in , that's a long time . They must feel she is like a lodger

YANU to want more from your GF but YABU to expect it. You've said the kids seem happy enough so it's down to how you feel really. I suspect she doesn't want or intend to do more. Sounds like both of you have met it the middle except unfortunately you're both at your absolute limit. She's giving all she's prepared to and if you ask for more it's gonna rock the boat. Only you can decide if its enough but I don't think you'll get more.

As other posters have said, she's made it very clear that she has no intention of parenting your children, and that her only interest is a relationship with you, so if she moved in with you, I would ask her to find her own place, and move out again. Otherwise, it's down to you to find your own place and move out. This may actually benefit the relationship long term, as without her in the same home, you are then free to parent when you need to, in the way you want to, and without any resentment because she's not helping out. You will also only see her when you really want to see her, and won't need to spend the time you do have together, trying to spread yourself between the kids and your GF.

I used to say to my ex DH that it would be wonderful if we could have 2 homes next door to each other, so that we only saw each other when we were at our best, and when we wanted to, and wouldn't have to see the crappy side of each other, ie, bad habits, when sick, grumpy, etc. As we ended up divorced, maybe my idea would have worked, as you're also far less likely to take each other for granted when you don't live together. If it is a match made in heaven, other than her attitude to helping raise your kids, then when the kids have flown the nest, maybe you'll want to move back in together, but for the time being, this would be my solution to something which is likely to become more irritating to you, the longer it goes on.

I think this would be fine if you didn’t live together.

however, you do live together, which means your GF is there when your children are staying with you. Of course she doesn’t have to be their mother - she is not - but this complete lack of engagement is likely to be damaging to your children. Because believe me, your children are not oblivious to this.

A 3 year relationship and you moved in together in the first lockdown - so you'd been together all of a few months?

You're expecting to her to be a second parent. Her DS is an adult. This is a strange set up.

I couldn't be with someone like that.

It's one thing not being interested in co-parenting someone else's child, but just from the perspective of common decency and kindness towards another person especially a child surely it's just instinctive. Is it readily such a hardship to reassure a Child and take them back to bed in the middle of the night. They're not strangers.

She wants you on her terms. You're not a team, your children are not part of the package for her.

Both work full time and both share household chores, cooking etc.

Sh’s doing household chores in a household where it’s mostly you and your 3 children.

Could she be feeling outnumbered and like she’s doing too much already?

Sounds like she's not the type of person who should become a step parent. This will make your children feel uncomfortable and unwanted in their home. You should have discussed this before moving in together and if this is the type of relationship she wanted with you - totally separate to your family - then you should have continued living separately. The best solution would be to go back to that otherwise this will continue to be horrible, and probably do significant damage to your youngest child who is only 8.

I certainly couldn't have someone living with me, in my children's home, who couldn't bring themselves to show basic kindnesses to an 8 year old, that most people would show to an 8 year old they didn't even know let alone a step child. The setup you have now will never work. So options seem to be to live apart, or break up entirely. Kids come first and she clearly does not get this.

She's 43 and I'm 39 so not really a large gap or anything and yes, she absolutely knew my situation when we met. Thanks for the perspective.

She wants to be your girlfriend and not their step mum.

That's up to her.

Thanks, useful perspective. For context I'd never ask her to look after my youngest for an evening and I make a point of not going out (as in drinking, meals etc) on the nights I have the kids because I get the rest of the week for that, it's more an hour here or there every few weeks if there's lots of errands/drop offs/jobs on a particular day.

It was a year before lockdown so 4 years rather than 3, we'd been together a year before lockdown - my mistake. As with many others, we essentially had a decision to make in lockdown to not see each other for an indeterminate length of time or try it out. It worked reasonably well, though lockdown was clearly nothing like normal life.

I don't see what's unusual but get your point given I put 3 years initially!

@Notcontent @Stopthebusplease - interesting perspectives thanks, and both make similar points. Definitely one to consider/think about!!

I would agree, but on a similar theme, outside of cooking or loads of washing (because we have one basket) she won't ever go into the kids rooms to clean etc. That's fine as they're my responsibility but can be frustrating when I get told the hoovering is done except for 3 bedrooms - but that's a very minor thing and i get it done.