Having a bit of an existential crisis I guess so thought I'd reach out for some advice sorry it's a long thread but I've tried to give plenty of info and may just be venting and get told to get in my box by you lot!
I live with my GF and have done since the first lockdown and have 3 DC (17, 14, 8) from a previous marriage who I have 50% of the time. Kids are happy, no drama with the ex or anything and everything broadly runs smoothly (as smoothly as it can with 3 DC!).
GF has a DS who is 22 and in theory stays with us 2 nights a week but is rarely here which is fairly standard with social life etc so no issues.
My challenge is my GF doesn't really engage with my DC, she's like another adult in the house but doesn't take much of an interest in them or really support with anything that may mean taking a little responsibility for them. Some examples:
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GF woke up and went to get a drink Late one night, my youngest DS8 woke up and came out of his room. Rather than put him to bed, she asked me to come out of bed and sort him. This is common at any time of the day if he ever needs something and I'm in a different room etc
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She'll never come on trips out or activities with the kids unless it's something she specifically wants to do. She's never been to either DD13 or or DS8 football training or matches which are often on my days, swimming lessons, won't come and sit with me and have a coffee if I take them to a trampoline centre etc (I often go on, but have said I'm happy not to as they don't need me) and rarely comes out for food or anything if we go out for lunch and won't spend any of her own money on family activities but will happily spend money to go out with me or friends at least weekly. She'd never dream of attending any school activities, sports days etc when invited. She won't even watch a family film with us if we have a film night unless it's something she wants to watch.
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Not a single time in nearly 3 years has she offered to look after one of them if I need to do something, helped me get them ready if we're going somewhere or even had any form of parenting type engagement with them (no behaviour discussions, no checking in on them proactively, no helping with morning routine when both younger DCs have inevitably misplaced PE kit or need something specific for packed lunches).
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She wants to know pick up times, drop off times, food plans etc every step of the way for the kids so she can measure the impact to her plans. Literally the first comment I get back after telling her I'm picking up later or need to run one of the kids somewhere is a question about how it'll impact her plans or she'll say something like 'well I might be going out at that time' to make it clear she can't / won't help. Going out in this context is usually going for a walk to get her steps in, noone to meet or time constraints etc. I'd clearly factor in solid plans which we write on our calendar. It happened tonight, I was taking DS13 to football training and had a work call to make while she was there so asked GF to look after DD8 at home (he was playing in his room and is very low maintenance when doing that) and immediately I got 'i might go for a walk, can you ask DS17' I did and all was fine, but it's the immediate stepping back from being asked and the fact that we both knew she wasn't going on a walk that got me.
So while my relationship with her is great when it's just us two, and the kids get on fine with her, AIBU to want or expect more? I don't want her to replace the kids mum, they have one - but I sit there at various events with kids who's stepparents are present and involved and sometimes wonder if I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life choosing between DC or GF or balancing them both precariously to make sure I can meet everyone's needs - and occasionally just hiding away for some 'me' time!
For context we've had a couple of arguments where I've asked for more support during really busy times or when things clash which wasn't given and she said she will in future, but it's never materialised.
Both work full time and both share household chores, cooking etc.