AIBU to want/expect a little more

[Jimboscott0115]

Having a bit of an existential crisis I guess so thought I'd reach out for some advice sorry it's a long thread but I've tried to give plenty of info and may just be venting and get told to get in my box by you lot!

I live with my GF and have done since the first lockdown and have 3 DC (17, 14, 8) from a previous marriage who I have 50% of the time. Kids are happy, no drama with the ex or anything and everything broadly runs smoothly (as smoothly as it can with 3 DC!).

GF has a DS who is 22 and in theory stays with us 2 nights a week but is rarely here which is fairly standard with social life etc so no issues.

My challenge is my GF doesn't really engage with my DC, she's like another adult in the house but doesn't take much of an interest in them or really support with anything that may mean taking a little responsibility for them. Some examples:

• GF woke up and went to get a drink Late one night, my youngest DS8 woke up and came out of his room. Rather than put him to bed, she asked me to come out of bed and sort him. This is common at any time of the day if he ever needs something and I'm in a different room etc

• She'll never come on trips out or activities with the kids unless it's something she specifically wants to do. She's never been to either DD13 or or DS8 football training or matches which are often on my days, swimming lessons, won't come and sit with me and have a coffee if I take them to a trampoline centre etc (I often go on, but have said I'm happy not to as they don't need me) and rarely comes out for food or anything if we go out for lunch and won't spend any of her own money on family activities but will happily spend money to go out with me or friends at least weekly. She'd never dream of attending any school activities, sports days etc when invited. She won't even watch a family film with us if we have a film night unless it's something she wants to watch.

• Not a single time in nearly 3 years has she offered to look after one of them if I need to do something, helped me get them ready if we're going somewhere or even had any form of parenting type engagement with them (no behaviour discussions, no checking in on them proactively, no helping with morning routine when both younger DCs have inevitably misplaced PE kit or need something specific for packed lunches).

• She wants to know pick up times, drop off times, food plans etc every step of the way for the kids so she can measure the impact to her plans. Literally the first comment I get back after telling her I'm picking up later or need to run one of the kids somewhere is a question about how it'll impact her plans or she'll say something like 'well I might be going out at that time' to make it clear she can't / won't help. Going out in this context is usually going for a walk to get her steps in, noone to meet or time constraints etc. I'd clearly factor in solid plans which we write on our calendar. It happened tonight, I was taking DS13 to football training and had a work call to make while she was there so asked GF to look after DD8 at home (he was playing in his room and is very low maintenance when doing that) and immediately I got 'i might go for a walk, can you ask DS17' I did and all was fine, but it's the immediate stepping back from being asked and the fact that we both knew she wasn't going on a walk that got me.

So while my relationship with her is great when it's just us two, and the kids get on fine with her, AIBU to want or expect more? I don't want her to replace the kids mum, they have one - but I sit there at various events with kids who's stepparents are present and involved and sometimes wonder if I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life choosing between DC or GF or balancing them both precariously to make sure I can meet everyone's needs - and occasionally just hiding away for some 'me' time!

For context we've had a couple of arguments where I've asked for more support during really busy times or when things clash which wasn't given and she said she will in future, but it's never materialised.

Both work full time and both share household chores, cooking etc.

Perfectly put. And the older two at least are old enough to clean their own rooms.

This, roughly. In her place it wouldn’t cross my mind to attend parents evening or football or sports training of any kind or trampolining, but yes of course I’d watch an 8 year old at home for an evening sometimes or put an 8yo back to bed. The only justification I can think of is if you have taken the piss with your expectations so she had to reestablish very strict boundaries, or perhaps if she feels stressed with the housework etc for 3 children when hers is all grown up and resents that burden on top of working- but in that case perhaps she’s reset it too far. I wouldn’t be ok with this (but I do know I wouldn’t take the piss whereas my husband would without even realising he was expecting me to put twice as much work into our family as he did, and needs it clearly explained to him. So I understand needing to hold a boundary.)

Do you do a lot of free labour for her? Do you wash her car, run her errands or facilitate her relationships? If you're expecting her to vacuum your children's rooms, taxi them about, download with them about their day, baby sit them when you go out- have you considered whether you provide an equivalent amount of practical support to her?
this is excellently put!

Sad for your children.
Children can be a joy (as well as a pain) and she sounds cold the way she won't engage or ever join in family outings or show interest in their activities.
Some level of mutual interest is natural surely if you're all living together when your kids are with you?
I feel sorry for the children with this almost stranger being in the house. If that were me I would want to make it a fun, stimulating environment for them when they stayed with cooking sessions, film nights, trips out etc.
She sounds selfish and dull.
What does the children's mother think of this total lack of engagement?

She’s clear on what she’s willing to be involved with and what’s she’s not. Accept it or don’t. Berating her not your kids forgetting their PE kit because your morning routine needs some improvement is incredibly unreasonable. And why should she pay for your days out with your children?

How do yoy split your housing and bills costs? I’d hazard a guess she’s paying half which is going to be far more than she’d be paying to live by herself or with her own DD.

Having arguments where you tell her she’s not doing enough for you and your offspring isn’t the way to get what you want. She’ll be digging her heels in to maintain her boundaries and to stop you taking the piss.

I’m a step mum, have been since the youngest was 5, and we have a different dynamic to yours. But I had my own DC after becoming a step parent so I’m at a completely part of my life to someone who’s raised a child to adulthood already. How we do things works for us and all the DC. How you currently do things works for her ( though I bet she’d rather you accept it than keep pushing her…). If it doesn’t work for you then separate your households and enjoy dating. Or split up and try to find someone who’ll coparent your kids with you and take on the shit work you’re so keen to share.

It’s up to but don’t keep having a go at her. Loads of people feel the same as she does and it’s perfectly reasonable.

Why did you move in with someone who clearly doesn't like or care about your children? Put your children first!

Genuine question. Why would I care what the dc's mum thinks of what goes on in my relationship and where I have my boundaries?

I think her putting in boundaries is a good thing as often it gets taken for granted that the woman will be the default carer. I think she's stepping into petty territory here though- especially with the not cleaning the 3 bedrooms!

My DP moved in with me & my 2 DC last year and if he refused to have them while I popped to the shop or went to the hairdresser I'd be reconsidering our relationship as I want a partner to invest in all of our futures not just mine.

I make sure I do the majority of child oriented stuff but I did when I was with ex-DH anyway.

Even just chatting with them over dinner and taking an interest their likes and what they're up to isn't too much to ask surely?

He said in the OP the kids get on fine with her.

I take from that that she does chat to them about their day and take an interest. Just probably a social interest, like a housemate- not a parental one.

He doesn't say anywhere that she's mean to them, just that she pointedly isn't parenting them.

I wouldn't make my children live in a house 50% of the time with a person who was cold and completely unsupportive towards them. That's an uncomfortable environment to be in and could be hurtful with lasting effect. Do you talk to your children about how this makes them feel? This is their home and your loyalty and priority should be to them. I can't believe someone would encourage this for 3 years, that's very sad. YABU.

Oh I'm on the fence here. On the one hand I see what she is trying to achieve, and it seems reasonable, especially because you seem to have an expectation (while saying you don't) that she will cover gaps in your childcare schedule. That is why you are telling her your schedule, and that is why her immediate response is that she is not committing to covering it.

On the other hand, I would find it very... ungenerous that she is so careful not to give a millimeter. I suspect I would find that trait increasingly unattractive in reality, even if I didn't have a problem with it in theory.

I find this very interesting. What is your living arrangement. Did her and her DS move in to your home over lockdown? What happened to her home. Was her DS ok with this? My adult children wouldn't have been I don't think.

I don't live with my DP but his DC has a room here and spends half the time they are with their dad here. I feel like an auntie rather than a step mum, and treat them like I do my nieces and nephews. We have a nice but not very emotionally involved relationship. I would never do bedtime or settle them in the night. But I do go on days out, play games, make them breakfast, buy separate birthday and Christmas presents etc.

However I can understand the feeling of wondering if I expect too much with regards to my older children (late teens). I don't feel my DP is engaged with them beyond general conversation. Given he is here half the week I had hoped it would feel like I had someone to share the load with more. But I still feel very much a single parent.

Have you spoken to your partner OP. What does she say? What relationship do you have with her adult son?

Excellent well made points and I accept them.🙏

I don't like laundry and barely do it for my own children, similarly I'm finding cooking a PITA as I age, so those are two huge supports she is surprising.

I think you accept her boundary or you live separately.

She definitely has zero interest in being part of a family with you, that's clear.

I can understand not wanting to go back to that when you are done with your own child.

I think she's on MN and has read what happens to step mothers who don't hold the line from the start.
Creepy catchy monkey. Boiled frog. Inch turns to a mile. One day she looks around and realises her whole world pivots around the schedule and needs of someone else's children when all she did at first was hoover their rooms and watch the youngest an hour per week.

@StarsSand some interesting comments/views, thank you. In terms of what I do, she doesn't drive so I regularly provide lifts/drop offs etc and her parents live 45 minutes away so will happily drive to theirs every couple of weeks or so. I do most of the house admin (bills etc) purely because I'm a bit more clued up on a lot of it. Admittedly there are times I can do more but particularly on the days I have the kids, as with many parents, I don't sit down until 8-9pm so tend to be fairly wiped and ready for downtime at that point.

Are you going to answer how you arrange your finances? You don’t have to but it’s relevant to the burden she’s already accepted in terms of living with you and 3 kids half the time.

You both want different things. Do you hoover her son's bedroom, pay for him when you go out etc?

So she does NOTHING to support your parenting of your own dc?

Trampolining, standing at football training or poolside during lessons are the worst bits of parenting of my own kids, no way would I do that all over again for my stepkids.

But there's more to parenting than football sidelines. Does she cook for you all? Sort the washing up? Do the washing? Do her 50% share of household chores (for your kids)? Does she contribute fairly to paying the bills in a house they live in half the time?

'Parenting' is not just about going to soft play or freezing your arse off twice a week at footie practice. Unless she's doing NOTHING else to support you to parent your own kids, why should she be forced to be inconvenienced because of your kids?

Perhaps she fears it would be a slippery slope and one thing would lead to another and before long she would have fallen into a pattern of doing everything for them. Once you do something once, you set a precedent and then it becomes expected of you.

So true ^

I was in the exact situation as your GF. I did help out with a few things after we'd been together a year: pick-ups, bedtime stories, homework, last minute childminding - then it became very very expected and I was put upon every single day. I became the option for childcare if my ex was busy on a phonecall, stuck in traffic, had to work. If I couldn't do it I was told I was letting the children down, not a proper mum. It all got too much and I split. I wish I'd had the firm boundaries your GF has. I think she's on self protect. Good on her. Your kids have a mum. If you want them 50% of the time you should look after them 100% of that 50%. Don't expect your GF to prop you up. Totally unfair. If she offers, that's different - only if she offers. Don't ever make her feel guilty for not pretending to be a mum to your kids.

You seem to think I'm talking about diminishing my responsibility as a parent which is absolutely never the case. It appears to be a recurring theme that many men when given an inch will take a mile which is a bit of an eye opener, but not relevant to my setup given I own/manage all my parental responsibilities.

I will always do swimming lessons, football practise/matches etc, days out etc because I want to and nothing I have said remotely says I want to relinquish this, but there are times when juggling multiple drop offs or clashes where a bit more support would be helpful.

Interesting insight though, if nothing else.

Fair shout, we have a single bills account and everything else is our own. I pay more into the bills account to factor in the kids and my higher income.

occasionally just hiding away for some 'me' time!

You have your children only 50% of the time. Two of them are 13 and 17 - more that capable of doing their own thing, helping out with chores (hoovering their own f'ing bedroom!), looking after their 8 year old sibling.

Me time?

You sound a bit pathetic tbh.

. . . and your 13 and 17 year old can get themselves to football and school they are old enough to arrange their own meet ups and lifts. I really don't know why your making a meal of your 'fast paced' life that can't happen without support. Stop expecting your GF of only 4 years to shoulder the burden of your arrangements. Be better organised and give your children some responsibility for their own clubs.

@Jimboscott0115 i come from a place of having 2 dsc and 2 of my own, with my dp's dc being on a 50/50 arrangement too. So I do have insight into your arrangement and the intricacies of that.

I have my own life, even within a relationshi pand home with a man who has his own dc. I did the grunt work of soft play, football training, brownies/scouts, swimming lessons with my own dc. Now his dc are doing the same i have put boundaries in place tha if he wants his dc to do ALL these activities then he has to juggle it. I will help out occasionally. But I also contribute equally to the home we share with his dc 50% of the time. I do the washing, but I'm not going to go in their rooms to fish out pants from under the beds, nor am I going to hoover their rooms, especially if he was to admit that 'actually I could do a bit more but I'm tired by 9pm' - not surprising if you're running 3 kids around most nights. I cook most meals, do the grocery shopping and all the other minutae of running a home with kids in SO THAT he can do all the ferrying around.

They are your kids, you have chosen to overload your evenings/weekends with kid activities, why should this impact on your dp when she is doind so much of the household grunt that frees you up to do all this extra stuff? It's not a dad-bashing perspective at all. It's a realisation that nobody should be expected to parent someone else's kids, even within a relationship. If a mum came on here crying that her dp wouldn't help out looking after her kids who were needing to be all over the place she would be told similar - if he's holding the Fort at home and contributing (possibly disproportionately) financially, then she needs to curtail the activities.

Fair question, so we were both renting (I'd moved into rented property after my divorce just to get somewhere quickly that worked for getting the kids into a routine etc, she had been long term renting). Then she moved into mine, her DC works with his dad so stayed there as they WFH (his choice, we made our decision only after he'd said that and didn't discuss it until then), they went back as soon as the first lockdown was lifted and we then agreed as a unit to find somewhere for all of us which we did in between lockdowns.

we have discussed it previously but it's hard to get out how she feels sometimes which is difficult and I guess I raised this discussion as a precursor to another conversation about it. I'm in a position to buy a house again this year so I think that's driving some of my inner dialogue as it'll be a hell of a big decision to make to go it alone or do it together.