AIBU to want/expect a little more

[Jimboscott0115]

Having a bit of an existential crisis I guess so thought I'd reach out for some advice sorry it's a long thread but I've tried to give plenty of info and may just be venting and get told to get in my box by you lot!

I live with my GF and have done since the first lockdown and have 3 DC (17, 14, 8) from a previous marriage who I have 50% of the time. Kids are happy, no drama with the ex or anything and everything broadly runs smoothly (as smoothly as it can with 3 DC!).

GF has a DS who is 22 and in theory stays with us 2 nights a week but is rarely here which is fairly standard with social life etc so no issues.

My challenge is my GF doesn't really engage with my DC, she's like another adult in the house but doesn't take much of an interest in them or really support with anything that may mean taking a little responsibility for them. Some examples:

• GF woke up and went to get a drink Late one night, my youngest DS8 woke up and came out of his room. Rather than put him to bed, she asked me to come out of bed and sort him. This is common at any time of the day if he ever needs something and I'm in a different room etc

• She'll never come on trips out or activities with the kids unless it's something she specifically wants to do. She's never been to either DD13 or or DS8 football training or matches which are often on my days, swimming lessons, won't come and sit with me and have a coffee if I take them to a trampoline centre etc (I often go on, but have said I'm happy not to as they don't need me) and rarely comes out for food or anything if we go out for lunch and won't spend any of her own money on family activities but will happily spend money to go out with me or friends at least weekly. She'd never dream of attending any school activities, sports days etc when invited. She won't even watch a family film with us if we have a film night unless it's something she wants to watch.

• Not a single time in nearly 3 years has she offered to look after one of them if I need to do something, helped me get them ready if we're going somewhere or even had any form of parenting type engagement with them (no behaviour discussions, no checking in on them proactively, no helping with morning routine when both younger DCs have inevitably misplaced PE kit or need something specific for packed lunches).

• She wants to know pick up times, drop off times, food plans etc every step of the way for the kids so she can measure the impact to her plans. Literally the first comment I get back after telling her I'm picking up later or need to run one of the kids somewhere is a question about how it'll impact her plans or she'll say something like 'well I might be going out at that time' to make it clear she can't / won't help. Going out in this context is usually going for a walk to get her steps in, noone to meet or time constraints etc. I'd clearly factor in solid plans which we write on our calendar. It happened tonight, I was taking DS13 to football training and had a work call to make while she was there so asked GF to look after DD8 at home (he was playing in his room and is very low maintenance when doing that) and immediately I got 'i might go for a walk, can you ask DS17' I did and all was fine, but it's the immediate stepping back from being asked and the fact that we both knew she wasn't going on a walk that got me.

So while my relationship with her is great when it's just us two, and the kids get on fine with her, AIBU to want or expect more? I don't want her to replace the kids mum, they have one - but I sit there at various events with kids who's stepparents are present and involved and sometimes wonder if I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life choosing between DC or GF or balancing them both precariously to make sure I can meet everyone's needs - and occasionally just hiding away for some 'me' time!

For context we've had a couple of arguments where I've asked for more support during really busy times or when things clash which wasn't given and she said she will in future, but it's never materialised.

Both work full time and both share household chores, cooking etc.

She clearly has no interest in your children and doesn’t want to be their step mother. Given her child is now an adult, I can totally understand why she has no interest in starting again with someone else’s children. I’m afraid that I would be exactly the same. Been there, done that, zero interest in doing it again.

Perhaps she fears it would be a slippery slope and one thing would lead to another and before long she would have fallen into a pattern of doing everything for them. Once you do something once, you set a precedent and then it becomes expected of you.

You all seem to rub along quite happily though which is a good thing but if you’re expecting her to change you’re on a hiding to nothing. You either put up with things as they are or rethink your relationship.

I think YABU to expect more but it is understandable that you might want more. I don’t think she is doing anything wrong, other than perhaps she should have found a man with adult children or no children.

Sorry but I find it very petty and passive aggressive that she hoovers the rest of the house and not your kids bedrooms

it is not ok to act the way she is considering you share a home. Your children must surely pick up on her demeanour?

does she even have a maternal bone in her body?

is this the type of role model you want in your children’s lives? She clearly has no interest in them whatsoever and what about when you have grandchildren etc?

she seems as cold as ice. I’d dump her

I’m a woman and if a man treat my kids with such little regard he’d be out the door in a heartbeat. and not because I expect another man to raise my kids but I’d expect him to acknowledge their existence is my home and appreciate my love for the and to also help me out here and there

actions speak louder than words and her actions tell you everything you need to know about how she feels towards your kids

I applaud this woman for drawing boundaries and not providing free labour for her boyfriend- as so many women are pressured to do.

If I understand your updates, she's already cooking and doing laundry for you and your three children- that's plenty IMO.

Do you do a lot of free labour for her? Do you wash her car, run her errands or facilitate her relationships? If you're expecting her to vacuum your children's rooms, taxi them about, download with them about their day, baby sit them when you go out- have you considered whether you provide an equivalent amount of practical support to her?

It sounds like you want someone to co-parent with and be an involved step parent. She doesn't want the same thing. No one is unreasonable, you just want different things.

It sounds like she's finished parenting and ready to enjoy the next chapter. If you didn't have her in your life, you'd be managing your three children solo anyway. Except you'd be doing more cooking and laundry.

If the relationship is otherwise good, I'd suggest you adjust your expectations and enjoy it.

If they are anything like most children hoovering their rooms doesn't just involve running the Hoover around for a few minutes. It will involve picking up and sorting their toys, books, clothes, removing dirty laundry etc.

If all three rooms have perfectly clear floors all the time, then it's a bit unreasonable not to just finish the job and vacuum the whole house. But if they are like most kids....I think that's a fair line to draw.

They are teenagers /tweens - she might just be respecting their privacy. I wouldn't have wanted my dad's girlfriend in my bedroom at that age.

She's not the maid.

He hasn't said she's mean to them or rude to them. Or that she's creating a wedge between him and them or anything.

It sounds like she's respecting the fact that the DC have two wonderful engaged parents who are coparenting well.

She is clearly very good at setting boundaries. I think she has been very smart. Its more usual for a woman in your set up to end up being taken for a mug. The typical step mum set up is doing a lot of the care but allowed none of the authority and not appreciated.

Really struck me that you wanted her to sit with you at swimming lessons or sports matches. I have never doubled up on swimming or football. Madness to have 2 parents sat around. Obviously occasionally DH and I go to a school performance together or a parents evening but it's mostly me that does that.

DH does nearly all of football practice and matches and half of swimming, cubs, music lessons, and I do the lion share of school runs.

You have a Co parent already so I'd just enjoy your relationship for what it is. Clearly separate from family life.

She is not their mother. She is happy to have three kids who are not hers spend 50% of their lives in your home that she is contributes to. Honestly I think that is enough. If she was mothering them, that would be nice, but it’s not her job to take care of your kids. I think she is a nice person to have three step kids in her home for 50% , when you only have her one adult son about a day a week.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for her not to want to effectively parent all over again but equally I get why that might not work for you and your children at the life stage you’re at with an 8 year old. And personally I don’t think people who don’t want to parent stepchildren should move into what is, at least part of the time, a family home.

It wouldn’t work for me - my DH parents our eldest (his stepdaughter) just as much as I do and is just as likely to attend school events etc for her on his own as I am.

Having said that, I know blended families that keep things more separate and that works for them. You both need to want the same things to make it work.

She's respecting the fact they are not her DC or step Dc given they have a mother already. She's respectful of her role as "not their family". No way would I help another persons 8 year old back to bed if their parent was in the building - I'd get the parent because I'd assume that was what the child wanted.

She has a full life - why would she want to lose that time to do jobs relating to someone else's nearly adult kids?

You're expectations are out imo.

Has she been in a relationship before with someone with kids where she got taken advantage of? It sounds like she's being very careful not to get roped in. Maybe she thinks if she starts doing things here and there she will end up taking more responsibility than she is comfortable with.

I've read many threads on here where people are in relationships with someone with dc, and they end up caring for them while the parent is at work etc...the response is always "you're not the parent! Take a step back, it's not your job to do childcare" etc.

does she even have a maternal bone in her body?

Presumably she does - in relation to her own child. Do all women need to be maternal to all children in their vicinity lest they be 'cold fish'?

A female colleague of mine received feedback that she should be more 'nurturing' towards the younger staff. I though no man would EVER receive that feedback. She was fair and pleasant to everyone, but because she's a woman there was an expectation that she spend additional time 'nurturing' junior staff..

She has boundaries, good for her. I never spend time around my boyfriend's kid, no desire to and certainly no desire to be a step parent

So I'm in a similar position in that my daughter is grown and gone, and my DSS is still at home. I have no interest in parenting him - he has two parents for that. And if there were three of them I'd be even less keen! As for the financials, she has no obligation to spend her money on your kids. I think you're expecting too much TBH.

I agree with Pp's above that it appears she's drawn very clear boundaries and sticking to them as she might be afraid of ending up doing a lot of the caring role as other stepmoms might. I think it's not uncommon for men to gravitate to a woman who will help them with their parenting.

It would be nice if she had an interest in the people you love and came to feel some care for them too but again she may be purposely keeping a clear distance to ensure there's no misunderstanding as to her role in your children's lives (not having one) which might seem cold but might be a protective measure.

It must be difficult with the youngest as he might find it hard to come to your room if awake in the night as she is there. As long as your girlfriend isn't cold or nasty with them and is saying I'll get your dad for you nicely then I don't see a problem. It must be weird for her having four of you in the house 50% of the time.

I think yabu to expect anything more but yanbu to want or hope for a little more interest in them as people or to want to be around you or them when they are there.

I would be the exact same and this is why I never dated anyone with children younger than my youngest.

Broke that rule with DP but his youngest (at the time) was 16 so almost grown.

I wouldn't be interested in parenting anyone else's child.

The not hoovering their rooms when hoovering the rest of the house is a whole different level IMO.

I would call that very petty.

Not going to parent meetings is at the complete other end of the scale and absolutely none of her concern when there are two very involved parents.

You moved in together too quickly because of Covid and didn't know how truly uninvolved she was determined to be.

Again to refuse to be around for an hour while you do a drop is again a bit petty, but is just reinforcing her having absolutely no wish to be involved.

A friend would do that for each other at times.

We have a lot of step mothers on here whom are made utter fools of by avoidant fathers and I always advise them to get out.

In your case I really wouldn't think it is in your childrens best interests for you to be living together.

I presume this is for financial reasons.

Far better to have separate homes and see each other when you are child free.

Oh yeah 4 years (in relation to your response to my previous comment) makes much more sense!

Is this not more so that the children should be cleaning their own rooms in her opinion? Does she hoover her sons room?

She is not giving an inch so you don't take a mile.

@billy1966

A friend might do some childcare as a one off or irregularly. But OP's girlfriend lives there and it's likely to happen a lot.

Even in the example he gave, wanting her to watch DS9 while he takes the older one to football practice. Presumably football practice happens every week? If GF agrees to this, is she then expected to do it next week? There's three kids with various running around to be done- it will always be something. Where do you draw the line?

Her son is grown. She has her life back. No longer 'must be home by 4pm to get the soccer boots on Bobby and then watch Jimmy etc.'

Shes a free woman with no dependents who can go for a walk whenever she feels like it- the assumption that she should give that up and go back to being tethered to the routines and commitments of having young kids is a big ask.

And as we see so often on here, some men who are given an inch with these things take a mile and women end up being taken advantage of and rightly resentful.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable.

I think she wants a relationship and you want a family.

I do know as a parent t I wouldn’t want my child living where an adult disregards them and has no interest, this is damaging in adult relationships, it will be emotionally damaging to them (not partners problem but as their parent I wouldn’t want this).
I couldn’t live someone who clearly didn’t care for my child (as is their right).

As a previous poster said, this is how I would be as a step parent, however I also think it is hugely damaging so I never dated men with children.

maybe have a read of the stepparents threads to see how your partner might perceive your children?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I also don’t think your wife is being unreasonable. Yous sound incompatible though in the context of your whole life. It doesn’t seem to work.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. I think you're not communicating with each other properly.

I think you're focusing on the details rather than the bigger picture. You need to have a discussion about whether she wants to take on a step-parent, blended family kind of role. And whether you're happy to live with a girlfriend who doesn't want to play that role, if she doesn't.

It sounds like you expect one thing, she expects another, and you just need to agree on whether something needs to change. It could be better if she moves out and stays firmly in the "girlfriend, not stepmom" category.

This....

Good for her.
Of course she doesn't want to watch your dc play football. Of course she's not going to clean your dcs' bedrooms. Of course she shouldn't be spending her money on your dcs' nights out. Of course she shouldn't be putting your 8 year old back to bed in the night. She isn't their parent, YOU are.
If your ex gets a new partner would you expect him to start attending swimming lessons and putting your dc to bed or is it just because she's a woman that your g is expected to want to do your parenting for you?