Fucking furious with my 18 yr old daughter

[geniegenny]

We are in ROI. She is doing her leaving cert. She would party and sleep all day long if she could.I am a single parent with two other kids with SN. My eldsest is a nightmare to try to get her to go to school, study, fill forms, help out at home, show kindness or empathy.I am currently at hime from work with covid.She is very put out as I am not free to drop and collect her all day long.Her Dad will never be forgiven for leaving her as she sees it.She refuses all contact. Education is very important in my eyes.Fortunately when my exh had his affair, I was in a position to continue to work full time and finance my own children as he has opted out.I'm drilling into my children the importance of financial independence and education, so that when the shit hits the fan as it can do, they will be able to walk away without finances being a reason to being trapped. I've suggested she leaves, does an apprenticeship, suggested a PLC with a view to maturing and a next step to college or a training BUT...these are all beneath her, if her snobby attitude is anything to go by.She thinks she is off to Uni in Autumn.Her Teacher's want her to do her mocks as theyre pretty sure she will fail them all.She has massive notions so they think that this might knock sense into her. She has stayed in bed for the majority of the last three years.I've offered counselling, therapy and all support.Dr believes that she is blackguarding as she is well able to socialise, eat , sleep, go on holidays, meet friends, work part time etc so has outruled depression and anxiety.I agree with him.I've told her that come Autumn, whether she is going to college, working, doing a PLC, she will not be lying in her bed here all day and if she wants to do that , she'll have to move out. Her lack of empathy and selfishness is absolutley breathtaking and makes me feel that I have failed very badly as a Mother. Ive tried all and every approach.School has been amazing as has the EWO who advised me to literally leave her alone and soak up the consequences . Anything else I can do ...please. Or do I need to just wash my hands of it all.Im handing out hundreds of euros in fees, applications, grinds, open days, mocks, supervised study.I may aswell be pissing it against the wind.. and I really dont have this money floating around.

That's so tough op. You say shes convinced shes going to uni in September, so she understands that means she has to do her leaving cert? Us her plan to stay home and just show up for the LC exams?

I'm also in Ireland so understand where you are coming from. It sounds very difficult. I think at 18 it's probably time to stop paying for grinds and supervised study and let her do the Leaving whatever way she wants to. If she fails and doesn't get a CAO offer it might be the making of her. I think teenagers can have a vastly inflated sense of how intelligent they are.
If she did fail the Leaving she could still repeat next year so it would be a set back but not the end of the world.
Where does she get money for socialising? Does she have a part time job?

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"

You can offer quiet space to study, support her education etc, but ultimately, she has to make the effort to achieve her potential, or face the consequences

In your shoes, I think I'd be tempted to back off a bit, let her get a fright if she fails her mocks, then see how she reacts

She may up her game and study hard. Great

Failing that, you could help her look at her options eg show her adverts for jobs that meet her skill set, look at cost of flatshares etc. Without judgement or criticism. Let her work out for herself the implications of her failure to study. Loads of great stories on here of people who returned to studying when they were more mature and took it more seriously

YANBU to be worried, but I think it's time to let her flap her own wings. If she falls, she will just learn the hard way, unfortunately.

Did you post about her before? I remember sone confusion from some posters about grinds! But I think once that was cleared up the view was the same - you’re crackers to be paying money you’ve not got for grinds 🤷🏻‍♀️
If she’s all that she’ll pass anyway.
Is she actually attending?

Do you have to pay for mocks in ROI?! Is that not just an internal exam? (not the point just interested and shocked!)

Yes, in Ireland you have to pay for mocks. And most kids get grinds now so kids who don't are are a disadvantage. It's a real money game and it's made the CAO points system for college places very unfair, which is a terrible pity.

I think she needs to feel the consequences of her actions (and laziness!). Uncomfortable but a good life lesson which will stand her in good stead

First of all I'm sending you loads of hugs. I also have a son doing his leaving this year. Trying to get him to go to school unless he gets a lift is a no no in his eyes he would be soaked by the time he gets there etc etc . He hates school and lives in la la land if he thinks that he can get by doing nothing. My husband last night said to me if he goes to school great if not let him suffer the consequences he will soon learn. I think however hard you find it to pull back maybe you should why should you do all the work I'm.also in Ireland if you need to talk you can DM me.----

It sounds really really hard for you. Can I just say you are doing an amazing job. You are nearly at the end of this phase - keep going, one day at a time, honestly you will come out of the other side. You can only do your best to provide structure and the rest is up to your DD.

She rocks in and out of chool when she feels like it.Im on mt way to work in the morning an hour before she is due to leave.She starts the texts and calls a half hour in, begging for me to sign her out.That stopped recently because Ive told her to do what she needs to do but as an adult she makes up her own mind.She has a part time job. She may aswell.Its the only thing besides socialising that gets her out of the bed. Mocks are e130.Im inclined to let her at it. She is shockingly immature.Went into school today and started crying because her friends didnt keep a place for her at their table and she was on her own.... Im actually embarrassed and cringing for her. Its pathetic to watch.If she actually struggled or worked hard bur eas depressed or anxious that would be something we could work together with, but what we have really is spoilt, lazy, entitled behaviour which I find so embarrassing tbh. Im fed up of covering for her and I have to explain to my younger kids that she is not your typiucal sisxth year student.I do this as they now have started to try to take the piss too. My kids with sn are hard work as you can imagune, but my eldest is on a totally different level.She has brought nothing but misery to the family in the last few years. Its been a nightmare, sadly.

This year's Leaving Cert students are definitely disadvantaged by the fact that they didn't do a Junior Cert. I think the best thing about the JC is that it gives the bright but coasting students a shock when they don't do as well as expected.

That would stress me out too! Can you cut off the money supply? Can’t pay for her phone, socialising, holidays etc if she has no money… either earn it or get out?

I've a LC student and I find him very immature. I try not to get too frustrated with him because they did miss out a lot with Covid. His friends all seem very young for their age as well.
Does your daughter like her part time job? Is it something she could do for a year if she doesn't progress to 3rd level and needs to rethink her plans?

I was at her Parent Teacher meetings recently and I met so many Parents who said the same thing... that their kids had these notions to become architects, engineers, teachers, doctors etc and when they met their kids teachers, they were told that their child was just about holding their own and would be lucky to pass said subjects. For UK posters, it is notoriously difficult to be offered a degree course in any of the universitys for any of the aforementioned courses...You're looking at achieving several A grades and many B's in honours subjects of which,you normally sit, seven. The UK was always an option pre Brexit for lower admission criteria and plenty of places and options so they're basically fucked, as I see it

She loves her part time job and is paid very well.She looked at me like I had two heads when I suggested that she stay there for the year while she cops on...and yes, I dont skirt around the fact that she is a living nightmare at the moment , to be around. I have given her so many opportunities and being on my own with a deadbeat dad for an ex, makes it extremely difficult.She knows this and takes the absolute piss because of it. She knows Im very busy at work so continuous texts, calls, crying sbout being tired yadda yadda..... She doesnt care.She cares only for herself. We went through hell after Dad left.It didnt matter. She was a selfish entitled child then, she's just become worse, sadly. Her siblings are nothing but an irritant to her despite their own mental health and needs.She absolutley resents them being in her life and in mine.

I am identify with every single inch of this. In Ireland too. It's hell and so fucking frustrating.

I'd advise pulling back and let her get on with it. When my older son was doing his LC he did feck all and we were worried especially his Dad so much so he went to a psychic 🙄

DS used to say don't worry mam, you'll see I'll get on well in life. He also said points only matter if you're going straight to college after the LC and that if the worst came to the worst and he didn't get enough points for college he could get a job and go back to college once he'd be 23 and points wouldn't matter because they have to keep so many places for mature students. He said his mental health was more important than the LC.

In hindsight he was right though he could have applied himself. As it turns out he did better than we expected and had surplus points for his chosen course.

At the end of his first year in college he got a part time job to fund his social life and car, once he finished college he very quickly worked his way up through the company that has hundreds of branches in the country and became the youngest manager and last year won manager of the year.

He's now in his second year of his masters course and I must admit I was shocked when he told me he was applying to do the masters course and spend €15k or €16k considering he sailed through school without doing much.

Nowadays so many people end up doing something different from the course they did in college and change direction at some stage.

I'd be inclined to let her off and do the mocks and let it be her wake up call. The college lectures I know have said they prefer mature students because they have some life experience and they're much more likely to apply themselves.

You have to let her fuck it all up. It’s the only way she’ll learn. She’ll believe she’s a victim for a time but she needs to wake the fuck up. She may come good, but she’ll likely have to hit rock bottom first. Stop trying to force her, that way only madness lies.

Are you related to James Joyce OP? Use paragraphs please.

Teachers are right about doing mock exams to hopefully make her see how far off passing the Leaving Cert she probably is.

Sometimes you have to let them fail to help them learn.

She sounds like a spoilt princess who has been yanking your chain for a long time.

She's 18. She can make her own mistakes now.

Has she actually applied to university and been offered a place? If it's anything like the UK system, I assume the school will need to give a report which won't help her?

When are mocks due?

She has a part time job. She may aswell.Its the only thing besides socialising that gets her out of the bed
I dont know about the education system in ROI but she sounds like she's up the extreme end of normal teenage brattishness, but I think it's encouraging that she is showing up for work. It shows that she has some motivation. She'll either fall or succeed the exams. She's old enough to know whats required and if she fails, it wont be on you. Is there a back up if she fails? Can she retake?
I would try and leave her to it a bit and let her crack on. Teenagers can be little shits. But they often/mostly come out the other end as okay humans.

I wonder if she struggles with other things she doesn't want to do but has to, like keeping her space and stuff clean and organised? How long has she been like this? Made me think of ADHD or even autism. You know your daughter, maybe I'm being naive in thinking that she could be struggling rather than being purposefully lazy. I was a bit like that when I was a teenager, and that was the reason.

One thing jumps out immediately to me …. you have 2 other children with SN - your daughter could also have SN, undx and with very different presentations to your others.

You’ve tried everything, the only thing now is to leave her be to make her mistakes and learn from them.