Fucking furious with my 18 yr old daughter

[geniegenny]

We are in ROI. She is doing her leaving cert. She would party and sleep all day long if she could.I am a single parent with two other kids with SN. My eldsest is a nightmare to try to get her to go to school, study, fill forms, help out at home, show kindness or empathy.I am currently at hime from work with covid.She is very put out as I am not free to drop and collect her all day long.Her Dad will never be forgiven for leaving her as she sees it.She refuses all contact. Education is very important in my eyes.Fortunately when my exh had his affair, I was in a position to continue to work full time and finance my own children as he has opted out.I'm drilling into my children the importance of financial independence and education, so that when the shit hits the fan as it can do, they will be able to walk away without finances being a reason to being trapped. I've suggested she leaves, does an apprenticeship, suggested a PLC with a view to maturing and a next step to college or a training BUT...these are all beneath her, if her snobby attitude is anything to go by.She thinks she is off to Uni in Autumn.Her Teacher's want her to do her mocks as theyre pretty sure she will fail them all.She has massive notions so they think that this might knock sense into her. She has stayed in bed for the majority of the last three years.I've offered counselling, therapy and all support.Dr believes that she is blackguarding as she is well able to socialise, eat , sleep, go on holidays, meet friends, work part time etc so has outruled depression and anxiety.I agree with him.I've told her that come Autumn, whether she is going to college, working, doing a PLC, she will not be lying in her bed here all day and if she wants to do that , she'll have to move out. Her lack of empathy and selfishness is absolutley breathtaking and makes me feel that I have failed very badly as a Mother. Ive tried all and every approach.School has been amazing as has the EWO who advised me to literally leave her alone and soak up the consequences . Anything else I can do ...please. Or do I need to just wash my hands of it all.Im handing out hundreds of euros in fees, applications, grinds, open days, mocks, supervised study.I may aswell be pissing it against the wind.. and I really dont have this money floating around.

I stepped back with my daughter, and after the shock of mocks and failing she worked hard, but not hard enough and missed her uni place by eight points. Luckily they do level 4 course in her subject which bumps up her points so she'll go next year. She got lucky but still not the degree and it's taught her a valuable lesson that you get out what you put in. Good luck I felt like I was going mad sometimes

We're going through the same with my son who is 15 and on track to fail every one of his exams in the summer. I have tried everything pleading, bribing, 1:1, school meetings, lists you name it, we've tried it. We've now had to take a step back and let him face the consequences. And it breaks my heart as he's more than capable but nothing is working :(

She has a part time job, she is going to school most of the time, she is studying some of the time.

What I get from you is that you have a HUGE amount of anger towards her. You have got to reel in that anger, you have nothing at all positive to say about her and that is a problem. She can’t be that awful, she’s your daughter.

I had a son who was very lazy around exams, but I didn’t have the level of anger that is coming across from you. If you don’t think she deserves grinds, don’t give them. She’s obviously capable of holding down a job even while doing the leaving cert, so she will be fine. You could charge her rent after leaving cert if you want. But the anger you have towards her is totally disproportionate. It’s totally up to her if she sees her Dad or not, but it sounds like you just have got really sick of her and you need to step back and find your own headspace from her. It’s really not healthy for you or your daughter. It sounds like you are overwhelmed with your 3 kids, and the ones with SN. Step back, get some perspective, it’s her life and she can fail if that’s her choice but it doesn’t sound like she is to be honest. Already with a decent job she’s actually doing better than so many others.

as the parent support is important, more so than trying to throw her under the bus, do better

where is the money from for her socialising?

if it is you - stop it now - make her get a job if she wants to go out and grow up

and yes - stop funding her entirely, hard lesson and it will hurt you but you know what you need to do

Are you sure she's neurotypical? She sounds a lot like a friend of mine who is only now going through ASD and ADHD assessment in her 40s.

Sorry wrong thread! no idea how that happened

She sounds very much like a girl with SN masking successfully - the immaturity, lack of empathy, lack of executive function, pleasure driven … these would be flags for me.

Girls present so differently from boys - they grab the attention, the research and the funding.

I agree with this, it’s her life, OP you need to step back and let her make her own mistakes. She’s 18, if she doesn’t want to study that’s her choice, she will face the consequences. If she fails and doesn’t get into uni it’s not the end of the world, she can get a job, resit, do an apprenticeship etc. It’s not like her whole life depends on her getting into uni, and I say this as someone with a masters degree, so I’m not anti further education. I also sense a lot of anger towards her and nothing positive, she will be feeling this and it won’t help.

Take a step back, stop pushing and trying to fix things for her and sorting her problems out, she needs to learn from her own mistakes. I think you need to lower your expectations and give her the freedom to fail, it might be the making of her.

I feel bad for you OP . I had a very immature LC girl as well. Although she did try , she didn't get the points she needed for Uni. Doing a PLC was her only option and it was a godsend. They are treated as responsible adults , no parental input and it is a wake up call. She also said that it meant when she went to Uni the following year , she was ahead on the ability to present essays, etc.

We are definitely all struggling with so called snowflake kids . Too good to take school bus ? Wait until you have to travel from house to college. And wash your clothes , meals, etc. Irish Mammys are overcompensating - at 18 , really she should be a regular caretaker , if only for short periods , for her siblings . And a help to her working single mother. Blaming the break up of marriage is a cruel stick to hit you with.
She has choices . School , Uni or FT work . But it has to be one of them. Doing nothing is not a possibility. She will have to understand that you will have no extra income to support her . No CB , no UB for her and her PT job won't cover the small rent she should be paying at over 18.

Is there anyone else in your family she would listen to.? My sister was good for this .
You are not the only person going through this. Lack of JC , Covid shutdown , erratic attendance at schools have meant a lot of teenagers are struggling with mental health issues. Add that to the normal angst and it is no wonder that you are cracking up !

Honestly, save yourself some heartache. She will only do what she is willing to . Nothing is irreversible and there are so many alternative routes to a degree nowadays . Take care of yourself, your other kids and just be ready to wipe her tears when she comes to you for comfort.

BTW , my daughter got her degree, did further training, gained more qualifications during Covid and is now living independently and happy.

Pay for the mocks, though I agree they should be including as part of free secondary education. Seeing her bad grades now for LC may motivate her to work harder to salvage the situation.

Is it €130 per subject or altogether for mocks? I'd let her do the mocks and hopefully it will shock her into action.

That's what happened for me, in my geography A level mock I couldn't remember the names of any clouds and was writing about 'high up fluffy clouds' and 'wispy see through clouds'. I went on to get an A (pre A star days!). With good grades in my other subjects too.

Oh this made me laugh.

My kids are younger so I have no advice, but I do know through work that nothing had changed for Irish students post-Brexit. They still have the same financial arrangements as U.K. students, access to U.K. student loans etc

She's 18. Of course she's immature.
It sounds like you really hate her.
You even slag her off to her younger siblings. Let me guess. They're perfect little boys.

What is she wanting to study at uni?

maybe change your approach - try to gel with her, show her more kindness. If my mother had such harsh thoughts about me as ‘snobby’ and ‘breathtakingly selfish’ I might put a bit of a barrier up against her too.

she is well able to socialise, eat , sleep, go on holidays, meet friends, work part time etc

I’m struggling to understand what the issue is?

She sounds pretty normal for an 18 year old and if my 18 year old was studying, working PT and socialising then I’d be very happy.

It’s no wonder she spends a lot of time in bed because she’s probably exhausted.

I’m guessing you’ve pushed her to do a certain profession but she’s not performing as meat as you want her to - which makes sense if her heart isn’t in it.

You sound very angry towards her and from what you’ve said she hasn’t actually done anything wrong.

Back off a bit and let her live her life.
If she throws her education away then so be it, it will mean her having to work harder to get a better paid job.

I did terrible in my mocks, not failed but think Cs and Ds. It gave me a massive kick up the ass. I studied so hard after that and got my first choice on CAO and good results. So maybe she needs a kick and failing will give her that.

My ds started school refual in 5th year..in lreland. It was torture as l think especially here there is so much emphasis on college. And not the local college but off to Dublin or Cork. Its such pressure for parents if they suddenly start to refuse to go. We pulled back completely after a period of pleading/ shouting etc. He got food at home but no pocket money and ended up getting a job and dropping out completely for a while. He eventually went back doing a very basic Leaving cert but got a place in college through vacant places where they don't care about results. But the choice is small. He got a degree and now has a good job working for the company he worked with throughout college but in a much better paid position. He is now going through an assessment for ADHD which explains a lot.
Pull back. Don't let every conversation be about school. Study the local PLC courses yourself without saying anything at the moment. This is not the end of the story. Hang in there.

If she thinks she's going to uni this year...surely she should have applied by now and had offers for places etc. or is it different there?

she is well able to socialise, eat , sleep, go on holidays, meet friends, work part time etc

Is she taking to her bed in between these activities op? If so, you could take a look at having her assessed for asd. Girls with asd are good at masking and get accused of laziness and selfishness because they can function and socialise for short bursts, but then have to take to their beds when overwhelmed. This could be way off mark of course but it's worth ruling out.

I don't think Brexit makes any difference to residents of Ireland, in respect of living / working / studying in the UK. As far as I'm aware, Irish citizens should be able to go to university in the UK as they did previously. Obviously, check this. There's a name for the special relationship between the 2 countries which explains this, but I've forgotten it.

It's good that she's got a job. Isn't that helping her to grow up? I think that part time work is very valuable at that age. University isn't the be all and end all - when degrees are two a penny and employers may value actual work experience. So many people get a degree, and then end up in very basic jobs.

Its different in Ireland.
A college/uni course is offered based on a points system. Points are awarded on a sliding scale for every A,B,C (and everything in between) grades achieved in the final state exams.

Universities decide the number of points for each course in advance and offer courses only to people who achieved the set or over the set points for each course.

Once the Leaving Cert (final state exam) has been taken, the schools play no further part ie they don't give school reports or anticipated results to universities or colleges in advance.

University/college courses for school leavers are entirely dependent on the number of points achieved in the Leaving Cert.

Students have to typically apply for their university place by the 1st February. They can apply for up to ten places - their preferred course at specified university is placed at No. 1 (usually the course with the highest points) and it is not unusual for the students to be offered the No. 10 choice or none at all if they haven't achieved the required number as set by the university.

Popular courses e.g dentistry/zoology have very very high points. Students need to achieve the maximum number of points ie 625. Other courses can ask for a high number and only reduce the points if people fail to take up the places which happens

In the past many Irish students went to the UK as the UK admission requirements were lower and they could get the preferred courses without as much competition/and or with lower grades.

I'm not sure if they are still eligible post Brexit but if not many Irish students are going to have to take any course they get rather than their preferred one.