Fucking furious with my 18 yr old daughter

[geniegenny]

We are in ROI. She is doing her leaving cert. She would party and sleep all day long if she could.I am a single parent with two other kids with SN. My eldsest is a nightmare to try to get her to go to school, study, fill forms, help out at home, show kindness or empathy.I am currently at hime from work with covid.She is very put out as I am not free to drop and collect her all day long.Her Dad will never be forgiven for leaving her as she sees it.She refuses all contact. Education is very important in my eyes.Fortunately when my exh had his affair, I was in a position to continue to work full time and finance my own children as he has opted out.I'm drilling into my children the importance of financial independence and education, so that when the shit hits the fan as it can do, they will be able to walk away without finances being a reason to being trapped. I've suggested she leaves, does an apprenticeship, suggested a PLC with a view to maturing and a next step to college or a training BUT...these are all beneath her, if her snobby attitude is anything to go by.She thinks she is off to Uni in Autumn.Her Teacher's want her to do her mocks as theyre pretty sure she will fail them all.She has massive notions so they think that this might knock sense into her. She has stayed in bed for the majority of the last three years.I've offered counselling, therapy and all support.Dr believes that she is blackguarding as she is well able to socialise, eat , sleep, go on holidays, meet friends, work part time etc so has outruled depression and anxiety.I agree with him.I've told her that come Autumn, whether she is going to college, working, doing a PLC, she will not be lying in her bed here all day and if she wants to do that , she'll have to move out. Her lack of empathy and selfishness is absolutley breathtaking and makes me feel that I have failed very badly as a Mother. Ive tried all and every approach.School has been amazing as has the EWO who advised me to literally leave her alone and soak up the consequences . Anything else I can do ...please. Or do I need to just wash my hands of it all.Im handing out hundreds of euros in fees, applications, grinds, open days, mocks, supervised study.I may aswell be pissing it against the wind.. and I really dont have this money floating around.

NeuroWasabi · Today 19:23

I wonder if she struggles with other things she doesn't want to do but has to, like keeping her space and stuff clean and organised? How long has she been like this? Made me think of ADHD or even autism. You know your daughter, maybe I'm being naive in thinking that she could be struggling rather than being purposefully lazy. I was a bit like that when I was a teenager, and that was the reason.

This is what came to mind when I read the post

I feel your pain op. DGS who had always been compliant up to GCSE has gone right off the rails during A level. Can't be got into school but goes to part time work and hangs out with mates in other houses until midnight and beyond every night of the week.
When he was younger dd and I, both teachers, thought that he showed signs of Aspergers and ADHD. Ho.wever he coped in school ...probably masked... so there seemed little point in getting an assessment. How we regret that now. At nearly 18 it is entirely his choice whether he gets assessed and refuses this point blank.

So many people on here talk about 'getting' her assessed. However there is no 'getting' at this age. It is entirely up to them. DGS won't engaged with any talk of help with his mental health although he is struggling on so many levels. Was previously heading for BCC in academic subjects but this has all gone. It is a difficult age, legally an adult but still school kids with no experience of life or what they are throwing away. I hope things improve for your dd op. At her age it's all on her. You can't make her go to school or study. Sadly you can't put an old head on young shoulders and whether it is depression or something else. they have to make the decision to engage with any help offered.

She sounds like me when I was that age in sorry to say. I was an absolute nightmare flunked mocks and lc. Worked in dead end jobs full time after leaving school until I went and did a plc a few years later (off my own bat!) and have been working solidly in a good job since, albeit still not at my full potential.
I've suspected asd or add in myself for the last number of years, and currently saving to get a private assessment.

Honestly it sounds like you need to take a step back and try to repair your relationship with her. It didn't matter what my mam said or did I wouldn't listen to her with regards to study and school, I had written myself off already.
Hopefully if her friends are all healing to college it will give her the kick up the bum to maybe repeat and follow after them sooner rather than later!

Google stuff like
'late diagnosis of teen girls with autism.'

The difficulty she is showing with the pressure of school and social skills would suggest that there is something else going on.

She's doing the best she can do right now.
She may never live up to.your expectations of what she 'should' be.

One of ours was exactly the same. Insisted on switching schools during LC cycle and didn't open a book. I was surprised she even bothered going to the exam hall. Left with very average results, didn't even apply for university. Found an Italian boyfriend and went to live with his family in Italy. Then 18 months later came home (with the BF) did a PLC and won awards for community activism. Used PLC to get into university and graduated 1st class and is pleasant and well adjusted young women. We were gobsmacked by how it all turned out, and think from aged 16 to 20 was some sort of parallel life.
I think you have to let them get on with it. Leaving cert is not for everyone and there are plenty of other paths to find what you want to do.
And if she does something else and then decides she wants a degree in a few years, it is all grant aided after 23 years old for first degrees, you won't pay a cent. 😀

Sounds really complex and heartbreaking. You might find the single most helpful thing you can do is start to build a positive relationship again. Tell her little things you like about her, encourage her by validating her skills. Spend very short amounts of time in positive discourse. Don't ask her to do anything, try not to make any negative comments or make demands. Keep it totally positive and see if it brings change. She sounds in a very bad place and has lost her Dad and has little support. She needs you to be her Mum atm.

If she won't go to school, why would she want to go to uni. Is it to parry she will need money for that.

I knew someone would get a bee in their bonnet about the university entry requirements for to subjects being higher in ROI than in the UK.

Roses, it's not knocking your precious DC, it's just a statement of fact. It's harder to do these courses in Ireland than in GB.

She enjoys her friends and her job. What does she do for work? What does she enjoy about it? This is very positive.

she’s not interested in her studies and rebelling against all expectations, which teens often do. It might be worth considering if she has underlying less obvious SEN which makes focus tricky.

just working and holding things together, you’re role modelling well, hard work, structure, caring values

can you try to reconnect with her through a shared interest? Maybe she feels all your love very/attention is on the younger two and that her dad was her only life line?

consider relocating her to her dads or asking him to visit for the weekend so she has no choice but to spend time with him and reestablish their relationship.

can you get her to a proper careers information person, not just an internal school person. Ask her to be shown options for achieving grades and not achieving grades.

Ask the school teachers to email present projected grades also

I was wondering about this too. All my DC have SN, my DD presents very differently to her 3 brothers.

I'd pay for mocks and if striking out there doesn't change things, then the natural consequences of her actions will have to play out.

Thanks for responses. I will look into neurodiverse conditions as her siblings have ASD,although present entirely differently. She doesn't fulfil the criteria for ADHD but I am not qualified to make that diagnosis.I am going to suggest a visit to her GP again. I am going to leave her off now and see what happens. You are correct.Maybe she needs to fail to get a wake up call. As fas as the UK for third level options are concerned, it is much more accessible to do the majority of high points degrees in the UK. The entry academic attainment criteria are lower and there are many more places for students. The UK has traditionally been very popular for Irish students who didnt get the high, high points for their courses here, However, Brexit has caused fees to double for Irish students so instead of paying the usual four thousand pounds , for example, it's now eight thousand pounds per year,for fees. There are some partnered courses eg Nursing, Physio, Pharmacy etc in NI that do not incur fees, but again, because of Brexit, demand for these courses are through the roof so competition is based on predicted grades, personal statement and references etc etc. Europe, particularly Eastern Europe is the ' new' UK for Irish students who do not make the cut here due to the dearth of places available, esp the high end courses.

It's so difficult parenting teens, especially teens having a hard time. There's never an excuse for treating people poorly/unkindly but she seems to be showing real signs of distress and/or a special need herself.

While I have not rtft, my son was very similar. His DF abandoned him (his words), he was waiting for the right opportunity to earn mega bucks, anything else was not worth his time. The world owed him basically. He scraped his GCSEs so that made him worse. College was a disaster as he thought he would sail through. It was the slap in the face he needed. He started to work and work hard. He is now 25, earning a decent salary and has a DW and 2yo DC.
There is light at the end of the tunnel OP 🤞

Sounds extremely like my eldest child, who went through a similar phase, although much younger. Took us a while to figure out that she was autistic and ADD. This has given us a completely different perspective on what is going on. To be honest I read your first post and it's the first thing I thought. My son is also autistic but presented with key signs much younger so was diagnosed age 7. They are drastically different in the way they present and cope.
Very common for girls to mask for years and then suffer from burnout in the teen years. That's what this sounds like to me. My kid could barely get out of bed for a year.
Drop the expectations, drop the grinds etc, there's no point. Figure out what's really going on with her. Good luck!

Some choice words.
Say u are doing all this to help her
Bt u can't do it all for her.
If she wants to go to uni she knows wot she has to do.
Have u told her the teachers say she will fail mocks. I think u shd.
My DD just wanted to play games for 11+ I said all of the above, in yr situation it's tell her she will have a choice if she goes to school and works hard, if she doesn't then she takes the course u said is beneath her .... drum that into her. Mine knew she had to ho to a girls school 8f she didn't get the 2 whe wanted, her worst nightmare!

@geniegenny You sound confused about the effect of Brexit on Irish students studying in the UK. They pay the same fees as UK students. Fees in the UK are high (around £9K a year) for UK students now - they were previously around £3K. That is nothing to do with Brexit. It was a political decision by the Conservative Party.

The more you nag her the worse she'll be. Leave her to sink or swim and stop financing her.

She’s young - just leave her alone! She can always repeat the leaving cert or do a plc with bad marks and get to a degree anyway

heaps of people go to uni and drop out after choosing a course at 18 and then realising they hate it

She’ll figure it out herself now eventually what she wants to do with her life

i agree with you saying you won’t fund her life if she chooses to stay in bed all day fair enough cut her off / ask her to move out or whatever

but there’s no point putting pressure on her about school or exams it’s not going to help

I doubt very much that she will suddenly become academic at university. She might be looking forward to being a student, drinking, partying and getting into debt. It sounds like she's done with academic education. Why push it? There's success and happiness to be had in the world of work and if she's motivated to get up and go and earn her money then perhaps that's the more suitable path. She may train and go through promotion at a workplace, or she may want to pursue an more academic career later on when she is ready to be responsible for it, financially and mentally. At 18, she is an adult, she can make her own choices but you don't have to facilitate a lifestyle that doesn't suit you. If she lives in your home, she will need to accept your boundaries. She will probably have a wake up call if she flies the nest and might see things differently. Ultimately though,I wouldn't be financing tutoring and exams if there's no commitment from her. It sounds like she's got some growing up to do. Best of luck, teenage years are HARD

Another mother of a late diagnosed girl with ASD here. All sounds very familiar

I was just reading ur thread and I'm not sure if this has been said but u said u have 2 sn kids do they have autism/adhd? As the things u mention ur daughter struggles with sounds like adhd , in girls it can present different to boys. So may not picked it up and not all the issues u face with her obviously but the first ones u mention

I feel you op. As the mum of a dd of 25 I’d say leave her to deal with it a bit herself. I wish I had . Mine still causes me sleepless nights with some of her life choices , I just wish I’d let her make a few mistakes and learn the hard way that she needs to take responsibility for herself. By enabling her I have done neither her or I any favours.

This does sound like me at that age. Though no-one listened to me when I said I might fail...no-one really cared, so it's nice you do care.

However, it's her life to fail. I did fail, worked for a year then resat, scraped a grade and into Uni. However, it wasn't really for the best as I was still too immature and my MH was shot. Spent a bit of time cleaning and doing odd jobs.

Fast forward a few years and I got a good degree, still can't hold down a job, so set up my own business and it's all ok.

I've since been diagnosed as ND. Gifted is a problem when you're also ND as you end up with what's called a "spiky profile" and a lot more is expected of you than you are capable of and it's all overwhelming.

That said, she sounds a bit of an arse and a sharp dose of reality won't do her any harm. Stop running her about and paying for things.

I dont skirt around the fact that she is a living nightmare at the moment , to be around. I have given her so many opportunities and being on my own with a deadbeat dad for an ex, makes it extremely difficult.She knows this and takes the absolute piss because of it. She knows Im very busy at work so continuous texts, calls, crying sbout being tired yadda yadda..... She doesnt care.She cares only for herself. We went through hell after Dad left.

Where is her self esteem in all of this? It sounds like you resent her for making your life harder than it needs to be. She's clearly struggling and crying out for help, when is the last time you spent time together just you and her?

Teenagers are of course well known for being horrible. Just hold on, she may yet be like a young best friend in a couple of years! (been there, done that!)

ETA: What is "SN?"