Fucking furious with my 18 yr old daughter

[geniegenny]

We are in ROI. She is doing her leaving cert. She would party and sleep all day long if she could.I am a single parent with two other kids with SN. My eldsest is a nightmare to try to get her to go to school, study, fill forms, help out at home, show kindness or empathy.I am currently at hime from work with covid.She is very put out as I am not free to drop and collect her all day long.Her Dad will never be forgiven for leaving her as she sees it.She refuses all contact. Education is very important in my eyes.Fortunately when my exh had his affair, I was in a position to continue to work full time and finance my own children as he has opted out.I'm drilling into my children the importance of financial independence and education, so that when the shit hits the fan as it can do, they will be able to walk away without finances being a reason to being trapped. I've suggested she leaves, does an apprenticeship, suggested a PLC with a view to maturing and a next step to college or a training BUT...these are all beneath her, if her snobby attitude is anything to go by.She thinks she is off to Uni in Autumn.Her Teacher's want her to do her mocks as theyre pretty sure she will fail them all.She has massive notions so they think that this might knock sense into her. She has stayed in bed for the majority of the last three years.I've offered counselling, therapy and all support.Dr believes that she is blackguarding as she is well able to socialise, eat , sleep, go on holidays, meet friends, work part time etc so has outruled depression and anxiety.I agree with him.I've told her that come Autumn, whether she is going to college, working, doing a PLC, she will not be lying in her bed here all day and if she wants to do that , she'll have to move out. Her lack of empathy and selfishness is absolutley breathtaking and makes me feel that I have failed very badly as a Mother. Ive tried all and every approach.School has been amazing as has the EWO who advised me to literally leave her alone and soak up the consequences . Anything else I can do ...please. Or do I need to just wash my hands of it all.Im handing out hundreds of euros in fees, applications, grinds, open days, mocks, supervised study.I may aswell be pissing it against the wind.. and I really dont have this money floating around.

Do you think she might have additional needs too? Would you consider an assessment for her?

@Dreamingaboutholidays thanks....very different to us in England then!

I am really surprised that a doctor has said that a teenager who has spent most of the past 3 years in bed is blackguarding.
What SN do your other children have? If it is neurodiversity then there is a high chance your DD is also struggling.
crying because her friends didn’t keep her a spot at the table is a big red flag that there is something more going on.
Has she ever been assessed?

Can you change the dynamic and just support her on whatever path/decisions she makes?
Have non judgemental friendly conversations about safe subjects?

In 6 months her exams will be done. Try to help her.

I have neurodiverse twins doing LC this year so I know it is hard but it it tougher on them than us.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit it but I was somewhat like your daughter when I sat the Leaving Cert. I went to school when it suited me, did no study, and drove my parents crazy.

There was nothing wrong with me. I was just a brat who thought I knew best.

It didn't matter what parents, teachers etc said. Honestly, you are wasting your time. Life will teach her....Eventually. Some of us have to get the message the hard way. I got where I wanted in life, albeit it took a year longer than it could have if I had bothered.

Well educated & employed since.

She can repeat, for plc courses, work & get part time agree. The Leaving Cert isn't the big deal it's made out to be. There are so many options to get the career you want in the end.

I have seen so many kids go on to uni after top marks, only for it all to fall apart because they didn't have teachers & parents surviving them in uni. First year drop out rates are so high.

Stop stressing yourself, stop spending the extra money etc. She's a teenager who thinks she knows best. You cannot reason with that & will stress yourself trying.

Cruel to be kind!

18 is just the right age for a serious dose of reality. There is plenty of time to get back on track, and move forward with a bit more maturity in the next year or so.

Step back and let her learn her lesson, and ensure that she has to face the consequences of her own actions.

It is so very hard to do in reality, but you should focus on your younger DCs who will benefit more.

OP I am a teacher in Ireland. There is still plenty of time after the mocks but serious work will have to happen then as its a constant stream of projects, orals, etc right the way up to the LC. I've seen plenty start then and pull it out of the bag. (not reach their absolute full potential but do well)

Her lack of empathy and selfishness is absolutley breathtaking and makes me feel that I have failed very badly as a Mother
On this, please do not feel bad! It is not your fault!!!! I've seen kids coming from the best and most supportive of parents and still just be like this. It will click for her one day and she will appreciate all you've done! Dunno when that'll happen though!

I can't get over the statement that in Ireland dc need A's and B's for subjects like medicine, engineering, architecture, etc. What the chuff do you think they need on the mainland OP?

I'm thinking poor kid. Her father left, her sibs have disabilities, her GP thinks she's she's lazy and worthless because she's been in bed for three years. I'm thinking therapy, potential neuro-diversity, in need of a few breaks and a little more unconditional love.

I have friends who literally turned up on the day of the A level exams got 2 E’s and went into teaching, and I’ve had a sterling career ever since. Maybe she’ll just pull it off on the day.

What 'mainland'?

As for the Toughlove serious dose of reality, etc etc my neighbours tried that. The daughter gave birth in November. I would definitely reconsider that route personally.

@RosesAndHellebores Do you mean mainland Europe?
lots of Irish students go to universities in Europe to do medicine, dentistry, veterinary and other difficult to get in to courses. Particularly to universities in Eastern Europe. Easier to get in to and less expensive

@leithreas l don’t think that poster is focused on geographical accuracies or how Ireland perceives “the mainland”. Too busy making excuses for the OP’s daughter

OP's post at 18.31, for UK posters, implying that UK/English students could get into subjects such as medicine, teaching, architecture with low grades. In the UK very high grades are required for the best universities.

My DC took 44 IB points and 3x A* and grade 8 music to get into Oxford and Cambridge.

It's the implication that in the UK you can have an equivalent education with low grades. You cannot. You can gain entry to inferior institutions reading soft subjects.

Mainland????

Anyway, OP, I agree with others that your daughter may have undiagnosed SN, perhaps very high functioning ASD.

Also, there is a Common Travel Area between Ireland and the UK, absolutely no difference between now and pre-Brexit. I am a UK passport holder living in Ireland, I don't need to get Irish citizenship since Brexit, unless I want to avoid issues going to other EU countries. (or voting in certain elections) Irish people can go and live and work in the UK and vice versa.

Op, are your SEN kids neurodiverse? I really think it's something you should consider of your.daughter

Oh did you misread and think the OP said island? She lives in Ireland not on a UK island where the 'mainland' would be the UK.

You have all of my sympathies!

I have one like this, he's in TY but he got very unimpressive junior cert results and yet he believes he's going to do Engineering in UCD. That just isn't going to happen. I tried to look up what the points were for TUD but he actually sniffed at TUD, he was like ''as if'' (his elder sibling went to Trinity and he thinks it must be easy, but she worked hard).
All you can do is hope that the shock of doing really badly makes them take stock and get their lives in order.

I was very worried about my son's laziness and cockiness but he is not living with me when I'm in my 80s and he's in his 50s. I'm going to move house

I can't get over the statement that in Ireland dc need A's and B's for subjects like medicine, engineering, architecture, etc. What the chuff do you think they need on the mainland OP?

What is the 'mainland'?

To clarify, I was explaining to someone unfamiliar who asked, how the Leaving Cert is scored about how university places are allocated.

In Ireland, to get into e.g. dental science in 2022 required a minimum of 625 points to be obtained in the LC to get any place on this course. This means students have to score over 90% in six higher level subjects including maths. Not all the people who achieved 625 points were allocated a place as the number of applicants exceeded the number of places.

This is the requirement for the University of Bristol

A-level: AAA including Chemistry and one of Biology, Physics or
Mathematics
GCSEs: 7 or A in GCSE Mathematics or equivalent. 4 or C in GCSE English or
equivalent

Previously many Irish students went to the UK when they could not get into their preferred choice in Ireland.

You’ve tried pushing, now you have to step back and leave her to sink or swim.

@RosesAndHellebores what is "the mainland"

OP you have my sympathy. However the fact she has a part time job that she attends is great . Let her off. If her results are dismal then she won't get the place she wants while she watches her friends all waltz off to do their chosen courses. It could be the best thing that ever happened to her.

It used to be a plan b. If you were absolutely determined to do law for example, fill in the UCCA forms and if you missed the course in Ireland and bearing in mind there are only really 4 or 5 universities depending on whether or not you count TUD, then Britain is an option! But the requirements are slightly lower in the UK due to there being so many more universities

Also curious about the 'mainland'.

@RosesAndHellebores what the chuff do they need to study geography though? Mainland indeed…

Nasty and uncalled for. Jesus some posters are horrible people

Ahem Mainland????
Back to school for you my dear.
The lack of knowledge is breathtaking!!! You probably were one of the Pro Brexits🙄