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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Surprise' pregnancy.. Can I tell my mum before MIL?

124 replies

pregnantv · 05/01/2023 17:21

We had a wedding planned for the end of summer and fortunately due to the royal mail strikes we didn't send out the formal invites.

After a fair amount of wine putting up the Xmas tree we decided to have a go making a baby. Therefore baby isn't an accident or an actual surprise as in that moment neither of us wanted to wait until after the wedding.

We're both absolutely ecstatic (and shocked!) we got a positive result first time and now reality has hit that we need to make a few decisions. We're trying to pull the wedding forward to this spring but as we've got dress fittings/hen dos/a lot of family get to togethers trying to pregnancy under wraps is going to be impossible especially to my mum/immediate family. Wider family we think we've got some excuses that we can use but we're not too fussed if people work out it's a shotgun wedding.

Now the difficult part of this is when do we actually tell our parents. My parents are quite level headed people - my sisters told my mum when they found out which the pregnancies weren't really celebrated until the 12 week mark. It was all very excited whispers around the house just incase something went wrong.

MIL on the other hand isn't the worst MIL but she's extremely dramatic/self centred. She's already hysterically crying on a weekly basis that she's loosing her baby boy and she's not involved enough in the wedding... she's going to be furious that we're changing the plan without consulting her.

DP has said that if I tell my mum/parents/family before his, MIL will be furious. She'll already be annoyed that she wasn't told in the immediate moments of us getting a positive test. DP has said that we should tell them on the same day either individual visits/calls/together as he'll have to agree with MIL that my mum is being favoured.

The last few days of knowing we're pregnant I haven't been able to see/speak to my mum as I know she'll just suss it.

AIBU to want to tell my mum but hold fire on MIL. MIL is already feeling left out as I declined her request to go dress shopping with me in the first place?

OP posts:
Pleatherandlace · 05/01/2023 17:25

No one has a god given “right” to know what is happening in another person’s body, as far as I’m concerned. If your husband had some sort of medical issue happening and didn’t want you to tell your family I’m guessing you wouldn’t? Tell your mum if you want to and congratulations.

caringcarer · 05/01/2023 17:39

Firstly decide if you want to get married before or after giving birth. Think about fitting into dress. If you want marriage first then I think in your shoes I'd invite your soon-to-be MiL to go wedding dress shopping with you along with your own Mum. Do it quickly before you show as your boobs will get bigger. Work out how far pregnant you will be and get dress big enough around boobs and waist. Choose a dress suitable for April/May so maybe faux fur cape to go around shoulders. Can you even organise reception venue for Spring? There will be a lot to get done by Spring. Cake, bridesmaids dresses, flowers, hen/stag do, favours, seating plan etc. Get your MiL involved to help you as well as your own Mum. I asked my MiL to come with me to choose my wedding dress because she does not have any daughters of her own. My Mum has 5 daughters and lived over 200 miles away and was not in good health. My Mum was a keen gardener so I asked her help with choosing flowers. I would say if you want to be on good terms with MiL get her involved too. She will love you for it.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 05/01/2023 17:39

Is there any reason why you can't get them together and tell them both at the same time?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 05/01/2023 17:42

Why can't you tell your mum and then tell your MIL and not tell your MIL that you've told your mum?

When I told people nobody asked which number in the queue they were to be told.

Just make sure if MIL and your DM know eachother that your DM knows there's an embargo until you feel ready to tell MIL.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/01/2023 17:44

This is not the way you want to start out your marriage or being parents.

You two have to be a team, and that means not running your lives based on managing your MILs moods. I bet enough people already do that. So, start as you mean to go on and do what's best for you (as the one who is actually pregnant) and you two as the people getting married.

fajitaaaa · 05/01/2023 17:47

If you trust your mum not to tell your MIL it's fine I told mine really early due to worry about complications and I needed to find out family medical history.

Loics · 05/01/2023 17:49

Tell your mum first, there's no rule that anyone has to be told in a certain order, and with the way you describe MIL's behaviour, she's going to pick fault with when you tell her anyway.
You don't have to go dress shopping with her either, I wouldn't think to do so with mine, or involve her in any wedding planning. 🤷‍♀️

Soontobe60 · 05/01/2023 17:49

First of all, YABU using ‘hysterical’ to describe your MIL and to say ‘we’re pregnant’. There’s only 1 person who's pregnant!
If you’re going to tell your DM but not your MIL, and you are expecting your DM and MIL to be meeting up or crossing paths then you’ll also have to tell your DM to pretend you’re not pregnant. As a DM, that’s not something I’d be comfortable doing - I’d much prefer to be told at the same time, which is what my DD did when she got pregnant.

ErrolTheDragon · 05/01/2023 17:49

Seems perfectly normal for a woman to confide in her own mother before anyone else I'd have thought. Sounds like the MIL needs to grow up a bit, it's really not all about her.Confused

Soontobe60 · 05/01/2023 17:50

Loics · 05/01/2023 17:49

Tell your mum first, there's no rule that anyone has to be told in a certain order, and with the way you describe MIL's behaviour, she's going to pick fault with when you tell her anyway.
You don't have to go dress shopping with her either, I wouldn't think to do so with mine, or involve her in any wedding planning. 🤷‍♀️

Would you involve your DM? Surely your DP might want his DM to have some involvement then?

EndlessRain1 · 05/01/2023 17:51

Well your DH has just as much right to tell his mum as you have to tell yours. It's his baby too. Why don't you just each ring and tell your mums on the same day?

Loics · 05/01/2023 17:54

Soontobe60 · 05/01/2023 17:50

Would you involve your DM? Surely your DP might want his DM to have some involvement then?

Show quote history

No, maybe to choose a dress, but not in planning or organising it. I'd make sure both sets of parents were able to attend before confirming a date, but that's all, really. We'd probably do the rest ourselves.
MIL has previously outright said she views visiting us and the kids (and her own parents) as a chore so I think she'd be relieved at not having to come up with an excuse to get out of being involved. 😂

Ponderingwindow · 05/01/2023 17:55

Your fiancé is perfectly reasonable to want to share the news with his side of the family on the same day you share the news with yours. You can ask him to keep the information private only as long as it remains truly private between the two of you.

bumpytrumpy · 05/01/2023 17:58

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/01/2023 17:44

This is not the way you want to start out your marriage or being parents.

You two have to be a team, and that means not running your lives based on managing your MILs moods. I bet enough people already do that. So, start as you mean to go on and do what's best for you (as the one who is actually pregnant) and you two as the people getting married.

This. A quick search of this site will show you how pandering to dramatic MILs ruining marriages and lives. Just don't even start down that road! Do your own thing and she should be happy for you. If she isn't, refuse to engage with the drama. And if your boyfriend doesn't support you you have big problems coming.

Hankunamatata · 05/01/2023 18:01

Just tell them both but your not making it public until 12 weeks

GrohlOnAPole · 05/01/2023 18:02

Tricky one!

nobody has a right to know and you can tell who you want, when you want. But if you and DP don’t agree then one of you will need to compromise.

as it’s you and your body, I tend to lean toward it being your choice. I went with “if the worst happens, who would I want to know and to support me?” and only told those people…. it certainly wouldn’t be an overbearing person who would make it about them!

Hiddenvoice · 05/01/2023 18:03

I think it’s only fair for you to share the news with his parents too.
I told my mum pretty quickly, we waited a couple of days for a blood test to confirm it then straight away we told his parents . We didn’t share with our siblings until our parents knew.
This woman is about to be your mil, your families are joining together. She may be dramatic but feels like you are purposefully excluding her which is kind of mean. I invited my mil to my dress shopping, She loved feeling part of it all. My mum was invited to one of my sil dress shopping, she just liked feeling like she was included and getting a sneak peek at the dress.
She was so hurt to be left out of my other sil dress shopping.
Sorry but this seems like a really sad way to be starting off a marriage and becoming parents if you can’t be on the same page. I’d be slightly hurt too if I were him as it feels like his family isn’t good enough.

darjeelingrose · 05/01/2023 18:09

I think you can. Bear in mind, that it's just you who is pregnant. At the moment, it's just you, it's a medical thing for the time being that concerns you. So you can want to tell your mum for support that your MIL can't provide. Also, I think lies are fine in this case. Tell your mum. Tell your MIL they both are finding out at the same time.

Lovestodrinkmilk · 05/01/2023 18:17

Don't get married until you can see that your partner will put your happiness and wellbeing above that of his mother.

Holly60 · 05/01/2023 18:19

So you are very welcome to tell/not tell who you want. But surely so does your partner?

Are you suggesting that you are trying to tell your partner that he isn't allowed to tell his mum he is going to be a dad when he wants to tell her?

I'm not sure you have a right to tell your mum but he doesn't have a right to tell his mum!

Gh12345 · 05/01/2023 18:20

I find that incredibly weird that she’d be more bothered at finding out second instead of the joy of you being pregnant. I’m afraid I don’t have advice but don’t think you’re the unreasonable one

LoobyDop · 05/01/2023 18:23

You get to choose, as it’s your uterus.

Holly60 · 05/01/2023 18:23

Also - just think how you might feel in 30 years if this baby is a boy. Yes it is the woman who carries the baby but the men are also becoming fathers.

How would you feel if you knew that your child's partner had told them they weren't allowed to tell you they are about to become a parent, even though they want to tell you.

HermioneWeasley · 05/01/2023 18:24

I’m baffled by the posters saying you need to be fair. This is a wholly unequal situation- the only person doing the difficult and dangerous work of pregnancy and childbirth is the mother. Your DP is not facing the possibility of miscarriage, life changing birth injuries, constant vomiting, inability to walk due to SPD, gestational diabetes etc. if you want to tell your mother to get support then do so. When he is able to gestate a baby, he can have an equal say on when his family are told.

Holly60 · 05/01/2023 18:25

LoobyDop · 05/01/2023 18:23

You get to choose, as it’s your uterus.

Does she get to choose what her partner tells his mum? As in, he isn't allowed to say 'mum, I'm going to be a dad'? That doesn't sit well with me, somehow.