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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Surprise' pregnancy.. Can I tell my mum before MIL?

124 replies

pregnantv · 05/01/2023 17:21

We had a wedding planned for the end of summer and fortunately due to the royal mail strikes we didn't send out the formal invites.

After a fair amount of wine putting up the Xmas tree we decided to have a go making a baby. Therefore baby isn't an accident or an actual surprise as in that moment neither of us wanted to wait until after the wedding.

We're both absolutely ecstatic (and shocked!) we got a positive result first time and now reality has hit that we need to make a few decisions. We're trying to pull the wedding forward to this spring but as we've got dress fittings/hen dos/a lot of family get to togethers trying to pregnancy under wraps is going to be impossible especially to my mum/immediate family. Wider family we think we've got some excuses that we can use but we're not too fussed if people work out it's a shotgun wedding.

Now the difficult part of this is when do we actually tell our parents. My parents are quite level headed people - my sisters told my mum when they found out which the pregnancies weren't really celebrated until the 12 week mark. It was all very excited whispers around the house just incase something went wrong.

MIL on the other hand isn't the worst MIL but she's extremely dramatic/self centred. She's already hysterically crying on a weekly basis that she's loosing her baby boy and she's not involved enough in the wedding... she's going to be furious that we're changing the plan without consulting her.

DP has said that if I tell my mum/parents/family before his, MIL will be furious. She'll already be annoyed that she wasn't told in the immediate moments of us getting a positive test. DP has said that we should tell them on the same day either individual visits/calls/together as he'll have to agree with MIL that my mum is being favoured.

The last few days of knowing we're pregnant I haven't been able to see/speak to my mum as I know she'll just suss it.

AIBU to want to tell my mum but hold fire on MIL. MIL is already feeling left out as I declined her request to go dress shopping with me in the first place?

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 05/01/2023 18:52

Holly60 · 05/01/2023 18:25

Does she get to choose what her partner tells his mum? As in, he isn't allowed to say 'mum, I'm going to be a dad'? That doesn't sit well with me, somehow.

Show quote history

I think she does for now. He is not pregnant, this is a medical issue only she has any control over therefore it's her news to share, not his.

StrawBeretMoose · 05/01/2023 18:55

rothbury · 05/01/2023 18:25

You are the one who is pregnant so I absolutely would tell your mother first, especially if you have a good relationship and would like her support.

As for the rest of it - honestly, I would elope.

This is very sound advice.

You can always have a big celebration without pressure at a future date.

I wouldn't think fairness comes into it, you're all adults.
If I had a son who was pressuring his partner to tell me about a pregnancy before she felt ready to do so, I wouldn't be very proud of that behaviour. Yes it's exciting but it's exciting whenever you find out.
As it happens I didn't tell my mum early as she told aunts about my sister's pregnancy before she wanted it shared.
MIL gossips about everyone so wasn't up for telling her early either. We waited until after the anomaly scan.

Pompom2367 · 05/01/2023 18:56

You are being unreasonable to not respect your dp feelings on the matter

TimeForMeToF1y · 05/01/2023 18:59

Are you totally sure you want to be putting up with this for the rest of your life?

You must have read all the dreadful trouble posters on here have with their MILS, honestly this would make me have 2nd thoughts, I could not live with such ridiculousness

BooCrew · 05/01/2023 18:59

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare, but as you're already pregnant there's not much you can do about that.

Personally yes, I told my mum when she guessed I was pregnant within a few days of finding out. We told MIL after the 12 week scan. I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman telling her mum about a pregnancy before her MIL, especially one you aren't close to.

Holly60 · 05/01/2023 19:06

@phoenixrosehere

'Ihave boys and if they do decide to marry and have babies, I don’t care if I’m first or last as long as I’m able to be there if and when needed'

But OP says her partner WANTS to tell his mum. He may actually need a bit of reassurance from her on this surprise pregnancy.

Are you comfortable with the idea of one of your sons needing you, but their partner not allowing them to reach out to you?

That's the bit that I'm not sure about. Fair enough if it was a joint decision but it seems that OP wants to tell her mum but not allow her partner to tell his, even though he wants to.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 05/01/2023 19:08

This is nuts. DS and DDIL told DIL's mum that she was pregnant 2 weeks before they told me, because (apparently, as DS was at pains to explain) they were away for the weekend with her and had to explain the no drinking/looking green.

I suspect DIL told her the second she got her BFP. And why not? Her body, her mum.

I was just a bystander til a couple of hours before DGS was born and DS needed his own mum on the end of the phone, bless his squeamish/besotted heart.

Do what you need to. Oh, and I heartily reckoned an elopement. Wink

roarfeckingroarr · 05/01/2023 19:08

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 05/01/2023 19:08

This is nuts. DS and DDIL told DIL's mum that she was pregnant 2 weeks before they told me, because (apparently, as DS was at pains to explain) they were away for the weekend with her and had to explain the no drinking/looking green.

I suspect DIL told her the second she got her BFP. And why not? Her body, her mum.

I was just a bystander til a couple of hours before DGS was born and DS needed his own mum on the end of the phone, bless his squeamish/besotted heart.

Do what you need to. Oh, and I heartily reckoned an elopement. Wink

You sound like an excellent MIL

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 05/01/2023 19:08

*Recommend.

ladydimitrescu · 05/01/2023 19:09

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 05/01/2023 19:08

This is nuts. DS and DDIL told DIL's mum that she was pregnant 2 weeks before they told me, because (apparently, as DS was at pains to explain) they were away for the weekend with her and had to explain the no drinking/looking green.

I suspect DIL told her the second she got her BFP. And why not? Her body, her mum.

I was just a bystander til a couple of hours before DGS was born and DS needed his own mum on the end of the phone, bless his squeamish/besotted heart.

Do what you need to. Oh, and I heartily reckoned an elopement. Wink

You are the mother in law of dreams and I wish you were mine!

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 05/01/2023 19:10

You sound like an excellent MIL

Well thanks, but 'tis easy with my DIL. She's a better person than I'll ever be.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/01/2023 19:11

I have 2 grandchildren, I'm sure most of my lovely DILs family knew before I did. It's never bothered me for a second.

SisterGabriel · 05/01/2023 19:12

Your body, your medical condition, your choice who knows. Proof of this is that it will be you having all the appointments leading up to the birth, not your husband. Once he is a father, he gets a say in the child’s life. Not yours though.

Sceptre86 · 05/01/2023 19:12

No one has a right to know, however for family relations going forward I'd tell them at the same time. We told my fil first, then mil, bil and sil. I waited till I went home (4 hours away) to tell my family in person. My fil cried, my mum cried and my dad and mil were ecstatic. Many mils feel pushed out and it sounds like yours does, whether rightly or wrongly I don't know but it would be a nice thing to do. It isn't just your news you could tell your mum but he has every right to tell his mum too.

maddiemookins16mum · 05/01/2023 19:16

Lovestodrinkmilk · 05/01/2023 18:17

Don't get married until you can see that your partner will put your happiness and wellbeing above that of his mother.

You could kind of say the same about having a child with him.

Okaaaay · 05/01/2023 19:17

Don’t allow your MIL this type of power - seriously, your DP needs to give his head a wobble. You’re in charge of this, ideally it should be a collective decision on who to tell when, but I believe your view trumps his on this occasion (you do the hard work here right). But seriously, he needs to distance himself / stop tolerating the dramatics. Of course you should tell your mum.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/01/2023 19:18

I told my parents a few weeks before MIL/FIL&sMIL. My parents were closer to both of us geographically/emotionally. I did make sure the in-laws knew before it was common knowledge. They wouldn’t have been any real help or support with a miscarriage.

saraclara · 05/01/2023 19:19

this is a medical issue

How? Since when has telling one's parents that you're expecting a baby, been a medical issue?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/01/2023 19:21

I think it depends why youd be telling them.

If it's just sharing news then yes you should share at roughly the same time

If its because you're struggling with sickness or something else and need some support and you would normally get that from your mum then that's different and ok to tell her first

If she guesses and you don't want to lie to her then that's different again and you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

This is a situation where a little white lie is fine - eg tell your MiL that she was the first to know

However on finding out she is going to be a grandma, the correct response should be 'congratulations' then maybe 'how are you feeling / when are you due' etc. Anyone who's initial reaction is to ask where they ranked in the order of spreading the news is massively self centred and unsupportive

saraclara · 05/01/2023 19:21

Seriously, this attitude that the father doesn't matter is really grim. And a really bad start to joint parenting.

GeekyThings · 05/01/2023 19:23

Your body, your choice. I'm sure you can keep it on the down low from your MIL that your family knew first anyway, if they're all more discrete sort of people anyway.

POTC · 05/01/2023 19:23

I really struggle with those saying it's something that only affects the woman as she's the one pregnant. If the worst happens the father will be equally as devastated and want the support of his family too, it's ridiculous to say that miscarriage doesn't affect both parents, or any of the other complications mentioned really as he will be worried and concerned for his partner and their child.

LoobyDop · 05/01/2023 19:26

Holly60 · 05/01/2023 18:25

Does she get to choose what her partner tells his mum? As in, he isn't allowed to say 'mum, I'm going to be a dad'? That doesn't sit well with me, somehow.

Show quote history

It may very well not. A very large number of people are uncomfortable about women being in control of their own bodies. But until the baby is born, it’s part of her body. Her inlaws aren’t shareholders.

TimeToFlyNow · 05/01/2023 19:33

I don't see why not, it's your body . Mil doesn't have to know who was told first if dp is worried about her causing a fuss

I know dil 1 told me first with dgc 1&2 as she's not close to her mum

Don't know about dil 2 , I'd assume her mum knew first as they are really close and that's fine, dil is the one who is pg and whos body is going through changes that she may want to speak about to her mum

I don't get all this bloody rivalry that goes off with some mils /dms

phoenixrosehere · 05/01/2023 19:41

Holly60 · 05/01/2023 19:06

@phoenixrosehere

'Ihave boys and if they do decide to marry and have babies, I don’t care if I’m first or last as long as I’m able to be there if and when needed'

But OP says her partner WANTS to tell his mum. He may actually need a bit of reassurance from her on this surprise pregnancy.

Are you comfortable with the idea of one of your sons needing you, but their partner not allowing them to reach out to you?

That's the bit that I'm not sure about. Fair enough if it was a joint decision but it seems that OP wants to tell her mum but not allow her partner to tell his, even though he wants to.

Are you comfortable with the idea of one of your sons needing you, but their partner not allowing them to reach out to you?

In this instance, yes. He nor I are the pregnant one in this. He may be the father but that doesn’t change the fact that she is the one that is pregnant. Her pregnancy, her body, her business. If she doesn’t want me to know details about her body or pregnancy for whatever reason, I’m perfectly content with that. It is between her and my son. Heck, I’d even tell my son beforehand if he mentions wanting children my stance on being told.

Like I said, if and when they’re ready to tell me or need my help, they would know where to find me.

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