'Surprise' pregnancy.. Can I tell my mum before MIL?

[pregnantv]

We had a wedding planned for the end of summer and fortunately due to the royal mail strikes we didn't send out the formal invites.

After a fair amount of wine putting up the Xmas tree we decided to have a go making a baby. Therefore baby isn't an accident or an actual surprise as in that moment neither of us wanted to wait until after the wedding.

We're both absolutely ecstatic (and shocked!) we got a positive result first time and now reality has hit that we need to make a few decisions. We're trying to pull the wedding forward to this spring but as we've got dress fittings/hen dos/a lot of family get to togethers trying to pregnancy under wraps is going to be impossible especially to my mum/immediate family. Wider family we think we've got some excuses that we can use but we're not too fussed if people work out it's a shotgun wedding.

Now the difficult part of this is when do we actually tell our parents. My parents are quite level headed people - my sisters told my mum when they found out which the pregnancies weren't really celebrated until the 12 week mark. It was all very excited whispers around the house just incase something went wrong.

MIL on the other hand isn't the worst MIL but she's extremely dramatic/self centred. She's already hysterically crying on a weekly basis that she's loosing her baby boy and she's not involved enough in the wedding... she's going to be furious that we're changing the plan without consulting her.

DP has said that if I tell my mum/parents/family before his, MIL will be furious. She'll already be annoyed that she wasn't told in the immediate moments of us getting a positive test. DP has said that we should tell them on the same day either individual visits/calls/together as he'll have to agree with MIL that my mum is being favoured.

The last few days of knowing we're pregnant I haven't been able to see/speak to my mum as I know she'll just suss it.

AIBU to want to tell my mum but hold fire on MIL. MIL is already feeling left out as I declined her request to go dress shopping with me in the first place?

Sounds like you want to make a big song and dance of it. Otherwise why not you call your mum and he calls his?

Although I would urge you to have a strong conversation about his mother and how his priority is no longer his mum, but you and his soon to be born child.

There's no reason to tell anyone if you don't want to. Some people tell as soon as they've got the pregnancy test, others wait till 12 weeks. There's no rule!

It seems like you're being a bit mean to her though, what's wrong with telling her as well? Why couldn't she go dress shopping with you?

Of course you can tell your mum first.... she's your mum! And don't feel guilty about it.

I know people are saying he has every right to tell his mum at the same time too etc but he isn't pregnant, you are, so you tell who you like.

If you want to tell your mum, tell your mum. How will MIL know when you told your mum unless you say?

On one hand both of you are expecting a child and this is both your news

On the other hand this is a medical situation happening to your body

I honestly don't think there is a right or wrong answer to the situation but ultimately I come down on the side of its a medical situation happening to your body so you get to decide who to tell

I would imagine most women tell their own Mum first. I know I did but I did tell MIL pretty much straight after.

We told DM a month before MIL. We'd had a scan and I needed DM to know in case something went wrong. DH didn't want to tell MIL before 12 weeks in case something went wrong because she's a PITA and would have made it all about her.

Your MIL shouldn't expect to be involved in your dress etc, if she does, ask her how she would have felt for her own MIL to be involved in that way. Bet she wouldn't have liked it!

i doubt she would, just wonder if the op likes a bit of drama

Oh jeez. So much drama

Go ahead with wedding
Send out invites
Tell both sets of parents whenever you feel
Ready

My view, after multiple very early miscarriages, is tell as few people as possible before 12 weeks. The people you tell are only people you’d want to support you, and know would support you, through those first 12weeks and potentially through a miscarriage.

the fiancée is not definitely going to be a dad yet. Until the OP gets to 12 weeks when it is more definite. It is not unreasonable to not tell MIL or any IL or anyone on his side until that point. Or if there is a loss and he then needs his own support network.

if the op wants to tell her mum, or a best friend to discuss HER pregnancy, physiological symptoms, concerns etc, that is her prerogative, she just needs to remember that it’s advisable to tell as few people as possible. Many women want to exchange notes with their mums or sisters on sheer exhaustion, morning sickness , during those first few weeks, as much as anything because often we “inherit” similar symptoms as our female relatives.

Her discussing her pregnancy with close intimates, is not the same as making a general announcement of parenthood and new baby arrival.

First of all it is you who is pregnant, men do not become pregnant so to say "We're", is totally inaccurate.

If you conceived just before Christmas you are not very far gone. Why tell anyone yet? If you do insist, tell both mothers on same day, it would be unfair not to, and do try to involve your future mother in law in your wedding plans.

Personally, in your position I would not get married until after the baby was born but that is your choice.

I find the whole 'it's happening to the woman so the man doesn't matter' thing really odd too.

I had a friend whose husband was in the military and was going on tour for 6 months. He was the one who was going to be physically in danger when abroad,he had numerous medical/fitness tests he had to pass, he was the one who needed countless vaccinations before he left.

According to the reasoning on this thread, because he was going on tour, and she was merely a bystander, his needs should trump hers?

She shouldn't be allowed to tell her mum for support if he didn't want her to?

She should just suck it up and do whatever he wants because it's him going through the experience of being on tour?

Luckily he is a thoroughly decent chap and totally understood her need to tell people closest to her, so that they could support her and in turn her support him.

OP I'm not suggesting in any way that this is your situation, this is more in response to the posters who seem to think that men have no right to any feelings or preferences whilst their partner is pregnant!

She doesn't want to? Good enough reason.

OP, don't bother. You know she''ll find something to whine about no matter what you do. And tell DH that you can tell whoever whatever whenever you like.

Good plan

BAlderdash. They AREN'T an equal parent from the off. Neither of them is a parent. She is pregnant, he is not. There is no equality in pregnancy, and you can't create any.

Any man who doesn't act like an equal parent once they are actually parents because he wasn't coddled by lies pretending he was just as important as she is during pregnancy is a massive twat that no-one should pro create with.

Agree with this.

I'm just staggered to learn that I was supposed to invite MIL to go dress shopping with me! I've been married nearly 30 years and this is the very first time that has crossed my mind! (And no, I wouldn't have. I knew what I wanted and had it made by a dressmaker.)

If your mum susses it, then you haven't "told" her. Often close family members will just know by looking at you (two of mine did and I was only 8 weeks- had been trying to avoid them but they sussed it immediately... by the avoidance and then looking at me when we finally met).
Also it's your MUM, you're PREGNANT and you might NEED her. That's a totally separate issue from anything else including anyone's "hurty feels". You're not a commodity to be negotiated over. You'll tell everyone else when you're good and ready.

Until 12 weeks (or earlier, if you get an early scan) you don't even know if a baby is developing so no need for MIL to know anything you don't want to share about the happenings in your uterus.

I made the mistake of telling MIL, who blabbed, which made the loss all the more difficult.

Believe me, I have never made the mistake again.

I was in the exact same position (apart from baby was a surprise). I would say from experience wait to have the wedding after the birth. I am heavily pregnant (and huge). I started showing quite early, around 14 weeks so don’t count on being able to hide it. Unless you don’t mind walking down the aisle with a bump I would just wait and incorporate your bundle of joy into your wedding day. We have a destination wedding planned for Jan 2025 so baby is old enough to be somewhat aware and involved in the day.

If only they were all like @WiseUpJanetWeiss - I am so jealous of your DIL, who is clearly lovely also!

I have one like yours OP and I told my mum weeks before MIL because I thought she would make it all about her/SIL which is exactly what she did. I didn’t give it a second’s thought, my mum supports us in everything and MIL doesn’t, so it was a no-brainer. To keep the peace I suggest you don’t get into who was told when and keep it very vague. Is your MIL likely to cross-examine you/your family about it??

MIL sounds like the type of woman who has never read mumsnet and has no idea how to behave with her son and DIL.
She also sounds like someone who will tell everyone that she is going to be a grandparent. Immediately. Irrespective of your wishes.
And there will be wailing and knashing of teeth at regular intervals at any opportunity.
Seriously, this site should be compulsory reading for mothers of boys. How not to be a MIL from hell.
Congratulations, OP. And good luck!

We told my parents and then H told his parents. Asked them to keep it to themselves until 12 weeks and not to put it on Facebook (looking at you MIL)

I HAD to tell my Mum first ❤️ I called her up and told just her and we both shared a lovely moment. It's the mum-daughter bond isn't it? Then we did a big family call afterwards and told everyone together ❤️ Mums the word!

This. Tell who you want. Pregnancy is not shared. A baby, when it arrives is.