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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Surprise' pregnancy.. Can I tell my mum before MIL?

124 replies

pregnantv · 05/01/2023 17:21

We had a wedding planned for the end of summer and fortunately due to the royal mail strikes we didn't send out the formal invites.

After a fair amount of wine putting up the Xmas tree we decided to have a go making a baby. Therefore baby isn't an accident or an actual surprise as in that moment neither of us wanted to wait until after the wedding.

We're both absolutely ecstatic (and shocked!) we got a positive result first time and now reality has hit that we need to make a few decisions. We're trying to pull the wedding forward to this spring but as we've got dress fittings/hen dos/a lot of family get to togethers trying to pregnancy under wraps is going to be impossible especially to my mum/immediate family. Wider family we think we've got some excuses that we can use but we're not too fussed if people work out it's a shotgun wedding.

Now the difficult part of this is when do we actually tell our parents. My parents are quite level headed people - my sisters told my mum when they found out which the pregnancies weren't really celebrated until the 12 week mark. It was all very excited whispers around the house just incase something went wrong.

MIL on the other hand isn't the worst MIL but she's extremely dramatic/self centred. She's already hysterically crying on a weekly basis that she's loosing her baby boy and she's not involved enough in the wedding... she's going to be furious that we're changing the plan without consulting her.

DP has said that if I tell my mum/parents/family before his, MIL will be furious. She'll already be annoyed that she wasn't told in the immediate moments of us getting a positive test. DP has said that we should tell them on the same day either individual visits/calls/together as he'll have to agree with MIL that my mum is being favoured.

The last few days of knowing we're pregnant I haven't been able to see/speak to my mum as I know she'll just suss it.

AIBU to want to tell my mum but hold fire on MIL. MIL is already feeling left out as I declined her request to go dress shopping with me in the first place?

OP posts:
saraclara · 05/01/2023 21:09

GabriellaMontez · 05/01/2023 21:06

This. Tell who you want. Pregnancy is not shared. A baby, when it arrives is.

Show quote history

In that case you'll have no problem with the father having absolutely no interest in the pregnancy then.

bigbabycooker · 05/01/2023 21:15

I'd work on the basis that an elopement might make things a lot easier from here personally, but that is just me.

Pushing the wedding forward very suddenly on the same scale might be quite a lot for you to deal with when you may feel very sick quite soon!

to be honest I would see if I could push the dress fittings back a few weeks - frankly, they may well be a bit irrelevant if you won't fit into them at 4 months anyway! Can call the shop and do that surely? Then just tell your mum there has been a mix up. Give yourselves a bit of breathing room for a week or two and sit with it.

I would then say to tell those who you'd be comfortable talking about miscarriage with. It's sad, but it happens. Anyone who will make things more public or more dramatic than they have to be should maybe be told after 12 weeks when risk has dropped dramatically.

LDNLCN · 05/01/2023 21:16

I didn’t tell my MIL until after our 12 weeks scan. I told my Mum on the day. I went through a lot during the first trimester and needed her so very glad I told her. My DP didn’t pressure me but I was very clear no one was to know until the first scan. He blabbed to his best friend before he even told him Mum haha. Make MIL feel spoilt once you’ve got those ultrasound photos, take her out for lunch and brush over the fact you’ve kept it quiet. That’s what we did and worked a charm. She did ask when I told my Mum and I said early on because I needed her. She was actually okay about it.

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 05/01/2023 21:18

My lovely dil asked the mw if I could go in with her and ds to her first scan.
I'd given them a lift and was expecting to sit in the waiting room.
There's something truly magical watching your ds see his own dc on a screen for the first time.
I will always be grateful for her generosity.

Username6194 · 05/01/2023 21:21

Your MIL sounds a nightmare. You'll be back here in a year asking for advice on your controlling MIL. Put a stop to it now. Get DH on board.

StarsSand · 05/01/2023 21:26

HermioneWeasley · 05/01/2023 18:24

I’m baffled by the posters saying you need to be fair. This is a wholly unequal situation- the only person doing the difficult and dangerous work of pregnancy and childbirth is the mother. Your DP is not facing the possibility of miscarriage, life changing birth injuries, constant vomiting, inability to walk due to SPD, gestational diabetes etc. if you want to tell your mother to get support then do so. When he is able to gestate a baby, he can have an equal say on when his family are told.

This.

Also - you can't live your life or raise your child according to the volatile moods of someone who cries weekly over wedding plans.

Will MIL be able to dictate other decisions despite their impact on you?

Do you think she will be respectful and supportive when you have a new baby? Or will she be overbearing and territorial then as well? Throwing tantrums because she doesn't like the name, or the sleep schedule, or she's jealous that you spend too much time with our own mother or she wasn't invited to the first haircut or whatever.

You need to make an agreement with DH that you'll be doing what works for the three of you as a new family- not what might appease MIL. Best she adjust her expectations now than having to battle this out when you have a newborn and are recovering from birth.

I've had this MIL, it was a nightmare. Stop accomodating her nonsense now.

toocold54 · 05/01/2023 21:42

I’m baffled by the posters saying you need to be fair. This is a wholly unequal situation- the only person doing the difficult and dangerous work of pregnancy and childbirth is the mother. Your DP is not facing the possibility of miscarriage, life changing birth injuries, constant vomiting, inability to walk due to SPD, gestational diabetes etc. if you want to tell your mother to get support then do so. When he is able to gestate a baby, he can have an equal say on when his family are told.

Yet I bet if OP said he didn’t care about the pregnancy or wasn’t contributing financially because ‘he’s not the one carrying the baby’ etc you’d be calling him every name under the sun (and rightly so) and saying that it’s his baby too.

StarsSand · 05/01/2023 21:50

toocold54 · 05/01/2023 21:42

I’m baffled by the posters saying you need to be fair. This is a wholly unequal situation- the only person doing the difficult and dangerous work of pregnancy and childbirth is the mother. Your DP is not facing the possibility of miscarriage, life changing birth injuries, constant vomiting, inability to walk due to SPD, gestational diabetes etc. if you want to tell your mother to get support then do so. When he is able to gestate a baby, he can have an equal say on when his family are told.

Yet I bet if OP said he didn’t care about the pregnancy or wasn’t contributing financially because ‘he’s not the one carrying the baby’ etc you’d be calling him every name under the sun (and rightly so) and saying that it’s his baby too.

Out of curiosity- how would a man contribute financially for a pregnancy that's only a few weeks along? As far as I know child support starts at birth.

And a man can show he cares about a pregnancy by taking care of the mother. Not by insisting on 'fairness' while his partner is putting her body through the risks of pregnancy and birth and all his body had to do was drink some wine and ejaculate.

Her MIL sounds like a nightmare. It's 'fair' to tell people who will be supportive and helpful to you and to not tell people who will make it about them and cause you stress.

It's OP news about HER body. It's not a baby yet, it's a very early pregnancy and it is primarily happening to OP.

Her fiancé should be protecting OP's feelings at this time, not his mothers.

If MIL kicks off they can explain to her they wanted to wait 12 weeks in case of miscarriage. They told OP's mum because she needed support from her mum.

If DH is going through a medical event I'm sure OP won't begrudge him telling his own mother about it.

GabriellaMontez · 05/01/2023 21:59

saraclara · 05/01/2023 21:09

In that case you'll have no problem with the father having absolutely no interest in the pregnancy then.

Show quote history

If this is the attitude of your partner "I get equal rights to decisions on your pregnancy or I'm not interested" this is just the beginning of your problems.

catandcoffee · 05/01/2023 22:03

Why on earth does your future MIL think she should be involved with your dress.... that's bride to be and Mother.

She actually sounds a pain in the arse.

I'm a Mum of boys and never behaved like that.

FearEtc · 05/01/2023 22:17

Most of the details in your post are irrelevant.

All that matters is:
Can you trust your mum to keep a secret?
Will it be helfpul to you for her to know?

If yes, I'd tell her and your DH doesbt even need to know.

RunLolaRun102 · 05/01/2023 22:22

You asked if it’s fair and no it’s not. Your mil’s moods about the wedding are one thing and a seperate issue entirely and that is up to you and your DH to manage - but when it comes to telling the grandparents of your child, you absolutely must do so at the same time.

RunLolaRun102 · 05/01/2023 22:25

Honestly unless you come from a confinement culture or she’ll come over to do stuff for you regularly while pregrant I don’t see why your Mum needs to know early either. This time should be about your, your DP and your needs as a family.

OCDmama · 05/01/2023 22:39

EndlessRain1 · 05/01/2023 17:51

Well your DH has just as much right to tell his mum as you have to tell yours. It's his baby too. Why don't you just each ring and tell your mums on the same day?

Except we're talking about OPs private medical information.

bellabasset · 05/01/2023 22:47

I can't see any reason why you shouldn't share a moment with your dm in private but as you're changing your wedding plans so your wedding is in the earlier stage of your pregnancy then I think I'd tell your MIL. This is a planned pregnancy for a baby you both want and your fiance wants to tell his dm so let him share his joy with her.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 05/01/2023 22:48

I fail to see what the dilemma is? Why not tell them at the same time? Just do it. What is wrong with that?

LahLahLoopsy · 05/01/2023 22:55

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 05/01/2023 22:48

I fail to see what the dilemma is? Why not tell them at the same time? Just do it. What is wrong with that?

Christ.

She. Doesn't. Want. To.

How are you so confused?

silverclock222 · 05/01/2023 23:09

LoobyDop · 05/01/2023 18:23

You get to choose, as it’s your uterus.

Which is occupied due to his sperm....

fluffi · 05/01/2023 23:09

Congratulations!

Tell your mum as soon as you like, explain situation with MIL and just ask her to act surprised when you “properly” tell her with DP.

Don’t delay sharing your news with your own mother just because of an overbearing future MIL. There is no reason why both of your parents have to find out at the same time or same day. Most people would expect the pregnant person, aka you, who may already be experiencing significant health changes early on to want to talk to their own mother and get advice, support before the 12 week point.

Even if the ILs are a bit miffed about finding out later (not that they should be because it’s not a competition!) they will forget about it eventually!

And don’t pander to the dress shopping demands either, unless she’s paying for the dress or wedding!

silverclock222 · 05/01/2023 23:12

His right to tell his DM as much as your right to tell yours. No, I'm not a your body, your right person. IMO that's where things start to go wrong. You should be a team, and equal partnership. Baby is 50% his, you wouldn't be pregnant without him. Doesn't make him any more or less important than you.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 05/01/2023 23:13

Is all this secrecy because you are not past 12 weeks OP ? At 12 weeks is that when you want to share the news to your mil?

NamelessNancy · 05/01/2023 23:28

Might be unpopular but imo if "we're pregnant" it seems only fair both sets of grandparents find out together. In situations where only the woman is actually pregnant it's entirely down to her.

LahLahLoopsy · 05/01/2023 23:31

silverclock222 · 05/01/2023 23:12

His right to tell his DM as much as your right to tell yours. No, I'm not a your body, your right person. IMO that's where things start to go wrong. You should be a team, and equal partnership. Baby is 50% his, you wouldn't be pregnant without him. Doesn't make him any more or less important than you.

Doesn't matter what you think. It IS her body her right, either way.

He's not pregnant. There is nothing at all equal about pregnancy.

NamelessNancy · 05/01/2023 23:36

LahLahLoopsy · 05/01/2023 23:31

Doesn't matter what you think. It IS her body her right, either way.

He's not pregnant. There is nothing at all equal about pregnancy.

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Agree 100%....but op says "we're pregnant" so not sure she actually does.

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