'Surprise' pregnancy.. Can I tell my mum before MIL?

[pregnantv]

We had a wedding planned for the end of summer and fortunately due to the royal mail strikes we didn't send out the formal invites.

After a fair amount of wine putting up the Xmas tree we decided to have a go making a baby. Therefore baby isn't an accident or an actual surprise as in that moment neither of us wanted to wait until after the wedding.

We're both absolutely ecstatic (and shocked!) we got a positive result first time and now reality has hit that we need to make a few decisions. We're trying to pull the wedding forward to this spring but as we've got dress fittings/hen dos/a lot of family get to togethers trying to pregnancy under wraps is going to be impossible especially to my mum/immediate family. Wider family we think we've got some excuses that we can use but we're not too fussed if people work out it's a shotgun wedding.

Now the difficult part of this is when do we actually tell our parents. My parents are quite level headed people - my sisters told my mum when they found out which the pregnancies weren't really celebrated until the 12 week mark. It was all very excited whispers around the house just incase something went wrong.

MIL on the other hand isn't the worst MIL but she's extremely dramatic/self centred. She's already hysterically crying on a weekly basis that she's loosing her baby boy and she's not involved enough in the wedding... she's going to be furious that we're changing the plan without consulting her.

DP has said that if I tell my mum/parents/family before his, MIL will be furious. She'll already be annoyed that she wasn't told in the immediate moments of us getting a positive test. DP has said that we should tell them on the same day either individual visits/calls/together as he'll have to agree with MIL that my mum is being favoured.

The last few days of knowing we're pregnant I haven't been able to see/speak to my mum as I know she'll just suss it.

AIBU to want to tell my mum but hold fire on MIL. MIL is already feeling left out as I declined her request to go dress shopping with me in the first place?

Completely disagree with this view. The op is pregnant, not her partner - this is happening inside her body, not his - all decisions regarding the pregnancy, are hers. That includes who they share the news with and when.

You are the one who is pregnant so I absolutely would tell your mother first, especially if you have a good relationship and would like her support.

As for the rest of it - honestly, I would elope.

Great advice.

I wouldn't be anxious to get hitched to someone with a mother like that.🙄

How would she know whether you told your mother first. Surely she would just be congratulating you both. It’s not a race for news.

Congratulations!

I feel like it's your decision. I told my Mum very early on but didn't tell MIL until 12 weeks. I told my husband I felt like in the early days it was very much a 'me' thing to do with my body and not an 'us' thing until later on. He understood and agreed to wait until I was ready to tell people.

Neither DM or MIL asked about who was told first -

If MIL had an issue that’s on her, she’s not making things easy is she?

I would maybe put the wedding back not being it forward. I can’t see things improving when baby arrives. She’ll drive you nuts and your partner will be on your back constantly.

I would tell DP that you will not be dictated too about who you can and can’t tell and when.

You can tell who you like, when you like and how you like.
There's no pecking order.

Surely it’s down to you and your dh. If he wants to tell his mum at the same time then you should respect that. Explain to your mil that you don’t want anyone to know until further along the pregnancy. But it sounds like he’s would like to include her, and it’s important that he takes an active part.

That. Anyone who wants their partner to act like an equal parent, to take on the shared care of the baby, to take a share of night waking etc, needs to treat them as an equal parent from the off.

I hate the phrase "we're pregnant" because only one of you is. But you are both expecting a baby and you are both its parents. So the father shouldn't be treated as less important from the off. Or your laying the foundations for them not considering themselves as equal when it comes to responsibility for and care of the child.

Tell your Mum first and then tell your MIL - and make sure that MIL knows that she didn't know first. Sit back, wait for the fallout and nip her behaviour in the bud before your baby is born. Do this now - it will save you time and constant future baby drama.

How would she find out what you’ve told your DM? Presuming DM keeps it quiet? Go for it! You might find it impossible to hide anyway… one night with my DM and Dsis refusing a wine, I might have been able to blame antibiotics/being unwell/healthy for wedding. Two nights… no, the game would be up.

Both mum's are about to be grandparents. This information isn't going to be under wraps for long so why not just tell them both and start married life with two happy mum's and a grandchild whose relationship with it's GM isn't marred by an unavoidable source of friction.
I get the whole I'm the pregnant one and what I need goes concept, but it is rather individualistic. There's nothing wrong in keeping the peace if the mil is just a tricky personality and can't help being dramatic.
Assuming she isn't maliciously making everyone dance to her tune cos she likes the power, or such like, I'd just humour her. It will create harmony, and your fiance is becoming a dad too, it matters to him that his family are considered. Yes the tough stuff is on you but it's not like he or she are completely irrelevant.
In your shoes op, if my family were level headed sorts, I'd be very even handed, avoid making a choice I knew in advance was going to cause big upset (what's the point in that). Your mum will still be the one giving you the most support.

@saraclara @Ponderingwindow completely agree.

Perfect!

It's your body and I think if you want to tell your mum and trust she'll handle it in the way you need her to, and you don't feel the same is true for MIL then absolutely you can tell your mum and not her! I mean, you can anyway, (you can do whatever you want!) but goodness, you're justified in your decision! She isn't "owed" an announcement at any time and it's not about her!

This- you will only start married life with resentments from MIL. Your not being a very nice DIL tbh. If your baby is a boy would you want him to make you 2nd best (as your doing)

This is the right way:

Well your DH has just as much right to tell his mum as you have to tell yours. It's his baby too. Why don't you just each ring and tell your mums on the same day?
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@EndlessRain1

She won’t know your DM knew first unless you tell her. Just don’t tell her. If she asks, ask why it matters. You (well, your DP) should definitely put your foot down now though or you’re in for a lifetime of this ridiculousness.

This. I don’t understand why certain people need to be first to know things like this. It may such a weird and entitled thing to want to know. Why care as long as you know and are able to be there?

I have boys and if they do decide to marry and have babies, I don’t care if I’m first or last as long as I’m able to be there if and when needed. Same goes for the wedding. Up to the bride if she wants to bring me along and if she doesn’t and wants to take her own mother, I’m happy with that as well. It’s not about MIL.

Why do you care if your MIL tries to cause a big drama about this or anything? Stop giving her any headspace.

If she bitches at you down the phone, hang up. If she does it in person, point and laugh. If she makes a fuss about the wedding, uninvite her.

These people do the things they do because it gets them the reaction they want. She's being a twat, so treat her like a twat.

I honestly think you have to ask yourself a couple of questions before deciding to tell anyone prior to your first scan - whether they will truly keep it completely to themselves and whether you feel you would want their support if you did go on to miscarry. I trusted both sets of parents to keep it quiet, but knew I wouldn't want the inevitable fuss if I miscarried, so we didn't tell. I'm very private though.

*It’s such

Wholly agree this is a massive change for both of you.

Also I'm not sure rushing the wedding is the best idea, there will be masses of compromises to make. If it matters to you you be married first why not have a small registry wedding first, just with both sets of parents perhaps and then the full on party later.

Of course you want to tell your own mum and not someone elses, it would be different if she wasn't a drama llama but 🤷 It's your body you decide when to tell a wider group. Initially it's just those you need for support and if MIL isn't one of those people that's how it is 🤷

I echo what a pp said, don’t marry this bloke until you know he’s going to support you and protect you from his dm’s madness.

‘MIL on the other hand isn't the worst MIL but she's extremely dramatic/self centred. She's already hysterically crying on a weekly basis that she's loosing her baby boy and she's not involved enough in the wedding... she's going to be furious that we're changing the plan without consulting her.’

She sounds like she’ll be a traumatic grandmother, crying that she’s losing her baby boy? Jesus. Your wedding has nothing t9 do with her, don’t let her get involved and tough on changing the plan, that’s yours and your dp’s choice, nothing to do with her.

Cancel the wedding, plan a registry office with just witnesses and get married in your casual clothes as soon as possible/near to your 12 weeks scan. Enjoy a big expensive posh meal for you and your witnesses only. Tell parents both bits of news the next day, then everyone else. Save the wedding money to fund more/better quality maternity leave. Embrace the fall out with a confident, our marriage and we did what we wanted to do 🤣

That's what we did!