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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Abandoned when pregnant

124 replies

Anon4435 · 05/01/2023 09:46

My partner abandoned me when I was pregnant and I am due in a week. He refuses to give me the travel system which was bought for my baby (gift from his parents) and says he has receipts for a lot of the things that was bought.
he is being unkind and he walked out on me and the baby and yet wants 50/50 custody.
can anyone help? When do I need to tell him when the baby is born? What are his and my rights?
Im in despair!

OP posts:
HungryandIknowit · 05/01/2023 14:52

Don't tell him you're in labour unless you want him involved. It's your body and your decision. You need a carseat to take the baby home from hospital so that's your priority. Buy your own buggy etc. You can find them second hand. On contact arrangements suggest getting legal advice - you could look up your local law centre via the law centres network. Otherwise a family solicitor with expertise. I hope you have friends or family who can support you and provide help once the baby is born. Best of luck.

Justcallmebebes · 05/01/2023 15:08

BabyOnBoard90 · Today 09:58
Sounds an acrimonious break-up, would need further details to understudy abandonment element.
Clearly he's being unreasonable with the travel system, but again without the context difficult to say to what extent.
You'll need to work to resolution in order to be effective co-parents. That might mean taking the high/ mature approach for you and your child's benefit. It will be a lot less stressful to work this out between yourselves than to let the courts decide.
Definitely tell him once baby is arriving so he can be present

^Worst advice ever

LaLuz7 · 05/01/2023 15:18

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:33

So he can witness the birth of his child obviously.

No. This is the woman's very private medical procedure. Absolutely no one is entitled to witness it if she doesn't want them there. Not the father, not the husband. No one.

Why would you think the man has a right to be there witnessing her at her most vulnerable, just by virtue of having impregnated her?

She is the patient so she calls the shots. She isn't just a vessel for his baby...

Justcallmebebes · 05/01/2023 15:22

OP do you have family support?

Herejustforthisone · 05/01/2023 15:41

I’m more and more convinced that babyonboard90 knowingly posts bad advice on here.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/01/2023 15:51

@Anon4435

You don't really specify, is this abandonment just recent or has he been gone for some time and you are just now getting your head together over it or have accepted it and are now sorting the practicalities?

Unless I've missed it, you don't mention your own family. If they aren't around and if at all possible, seek their support, even if it means having a tiny box room and/or even relocating to be near them. Family support is invaluable and worth any obstacles to obtain. Don't expect any generosity of spirit from his family, unless they're pretty unusual they'll side with him for the most part.

As far as the travel system, well, if he's held on to receipts to 'prove' who bought what, then chances are you aren't going to get a single thing he can prove he paid for or that was gifted by his family. So unless you have the extra money for a travel system (I'm old, I had to look that up! Holy shit, the prices!!!) forget about it for now. It's not a true 'necessity', although I wish I'd had one back in the '80s. Right now, the only things you truly need are a car seat and some type of sling for carrying. The rest you can source later.

As far as the birth itself, he has NO legal right to be there and I wouldn't want him there. I'd think it'd be extremely stressful to have the person who abandoned you staring at your nether regions and watching you in what will be the most important moment of your life. This is a time you need to be surrounded by people you trust, even if that's just the birthing team. Birth is a messy process at the best of times and above all, a woman needs as much peace and as little stress as possible.

WRT the 'legalities', if I were you I'd not put his name on the BC and I'd give the baby my last name. It is very important to understand that if he is named the father on the BC, thus granting parental rights, absent a court order to the contrary he can take the child and refuse to return the child to you and there will be nothing you can do about it other than start court proceedings. The police will not force him to return the child, as the legally named father he has equal right to the child. If by some absolute miracle (don't hold your breath) he decides to have a personality transplant and become God's Gift to coparenting, it'll be a lot easier to 'give' him his legal rights than it would be to try and take them away (nearly impossible) if he continues to be an absolute shit and is a terrible coparent. So, my advice would be to keep quiet until the birth has been registered to avoid him insisting on accompanying you and being put on the BC.

Finally, seek legal advice. Sometimes it's best to have court orders regarding access, sometimes it's better to 'hold the reins' yourself by not having to follow a court order and being able to give or withhold contact based on what is best for the child rather than what a judge thinks is best. Each case is different, and a solicitor is best placed to advise you on your situation.

HermioneWeasley · 05/01/2023 15:58

Op please do not listen to @BabyOnBoard90

there is loads of evidence to show that Labour and birth are adversely affected by the mother being stressed. Him being there will have a serious negative consequence on your health and possibly the health of your baby.

as others have said

  • get someone to tell him after the baby is born
  • register the birth alone. Do not put him on the birth certificate and give the baby your surname
  • register for child benefit in your name
  • breastfeed if you can as that will give you the most control over contact arrangements.
keep a log of anything abusive or controlling he does.

good luck!

Hadtochangeforthisone · 05/01/2023 18:02

Babyonboard90 actually has some very sen
Sable ad ice if you care to read it without hysteria ...

We DO NOT KNOW WHY PARTNER HAS LEFT !!!

Try and imagine a different scenario that's in all your heads. Perhaps it was her who was abusive to him for months and months ... perhaps she is a drug taking alcoholic ... perhaps he is a drug taking alcoholic ..

I hope you note that the OP has NEVER replied ...

Hadtochangeforthisone · 05/01/2023 18:02

Sensible advice ..

Puppers · 05/01/2023 18:24

Hadtochangeforthisone · 05/01/2023 18:02

Babyonboard90 actually has some very sen
Sable ad ice if you care to read it without hysteria ...

We DO NOT KNOW WHY PARTNER HAS LEFT !!!

Try and imagine a different scenario that's in all your heads. Perhaps it was her who was abusive to him for months and months ... perhaps she is a drug taking alcoholic ... perhaps he is a drug taking alcoholic ..

I hope you note that the OP has NEVER replied ...

“Hysteria”. Nice.

It doesn’t matter why the relationship ended. The sound advice that has been posted by lots of PPs isn’t given with a view to punishing the ex boyfriend. It’s given in the best interests of mother and child.

If you believe the entire post is a fabrication and that OP is potentially an abusive alcoholic drug addict then there’s little point in engaging with the thread at all. We have to take posters at their word to a degree otherwise there’s literally no point in Mumsnet.

TheDietStartsTomorrowOrMaybeTheDayAfter · 05/01/2023 18:28

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:33

So he can witness the birth of his child obviously.

Oh and make her feel very uncomfortable 🙄 🙄 Sounds great…

LIZS · 05/01/2023 18:46

Hadtochangeforthisone · 05/01/2023 18:02

Babyonboard90 actually has some very sen
Sable ad ice if you care to read it without hysteria ...

We DO NOT KNOW WHY PARTNER HAS LEFT !!!

Try and imagine a different scenario that's in all your heads. Perhaps it was her who was abusive to him for months and months ... perhaps she is a drug taking alcoholic ... perhaps he is a drug taking alcoholic ..

I hope you note that the OP has NEVER replied ...

The scenario does have a vaguely familiar ring, with op having variously been in an abusive situation or feeling responsible for the acrimonious break up.

Nanny0gg · 05/01/2023 18:49

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 09:58

Sounds an acrimonious break-up, would need further details to understudy abandonment element.

Clearly he's being unreasonable with the travel system, but again without the context difficult to say to what extent.

You'll need to work to resolution in order to be effective co-parents. That might mean taking the high/ mature approach for you and your child's benefit. It will be a lot less stressful to work this out between yourselves than to let the courts decide.

Definitely tell him once baby is arriving so he can be present.

Why should he be present??

Can't think that would help the OP's labour!

Littlegoth · 05/01/2023 18:50

Err why would she want him present?? Nope!

Nanny0gg · 05/01/2023 18:51

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:33

So he can witness the birth of his child obviously.

He has no right to that. No father does. It's down to the mother's wishes

Hadtochangeforthisone · 05/01/2023 19:02

Puppers

I am just suggesting that perhaps people should not read l more into something than is provided.

So far all we have is ... left OP a week before birth.

Taken travel system gifted to him by his parents

Has expressed desire for 50/50 care.

There is nothing from that to suggest abuse . Although there may well be. But equally there may not be...

Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · 05/01/2023 19:09

You don’t need to put him on the BC but don’t expect any CM if you don’t

FFS. Why give out information that is not even nearly correct?

OP, if you’re not married, he can’t go on the birth certificate unless he is present. You will need to decide whether or not you let him know about the appointment time for registering the birth. There are many arguments for leaving an estranged, abusive ex off the birth certificate. May I suggest that if you end up in court, you need to be seen to have done the right thing at all times. As such, I would let him have the appointment time via email or text and I would keep that as evidence. If he turns up, great. If he doesn’t, you are starting to build a picture of not really giving a fuck.

You can apply for maintenance, regardless of whether or not he is named on the birth certificate. He will need to deny being the father to avoid paying - he will then need to agree to and undertake a DNA test within a particular time scale. If he refuses/ignores paperwork, he will be deemed the father and maintenance will be backdated to the original date you applied. If he takes the test, the maintenance will still be backdated once the result is in.

If he goes to court, he can apply to have his name added to the birth certificate. This involves a DNA test (I think you can use the maintenance one but not 100% on that), and then it is ordered one paternity is secure. He can’t get his name on without that court order.

VisaGeezer · 05/01/2023 19:11

there is loads of evidence to show that Labour and birth are adversely affected by the mother being stressed. Him being there will have a serious negative consequence on your health and possibly the health of your baby

There is also evidence that having men at births full stop is not conducive to a smooth birth that progresses well.

Murdoch1949 · 06/01/2023 03:45

I wouldn't tell him anything. Would have the baby with a family or friend supporting. Would register the birth with no father named. Would let him do the running. If he asks, tell him you've had a boy/girl. Don't offer a visit, make him ask. Let him have a short visit, make sure you've got a family member or friend present. Refuse to discuss access to the baby until s/he is at least a few months old, until then he can just visit at your home. If his family want to visit, they can come with him, again you should have a supporter present. If his mother asks about the pram, tell her. He has been such a twat to you he deserves nothing. If he is consistent with his visits to the baby, financially supports the baby, becomes trustworthy then you could discuss access, the birth certificate etc.

Puppers · 06/01/2023 12:36

Hadtochangeforthisone · 05/01/2023 19:02

Puppers

I am just suggesting that perhaps people should not read l more into something than is provided.

So far all we have is ... left OP a week before birth.

Taken travel system gifted to him by his parents

Has expressed desire for 50/50 care.

There is nothing from that to suggest abuse . Although there may well be. But equally there may not be...

It is abusive to threaten to take a newborn baby from its mother half the time.

It is abusive to withhold equipment (car seat and pram) that is necessary for the baby and mother to attend medical appointments, do shopping, leave the house for any reason. He doesn’t need this stuff because the baby shouldn’t be separated from its mother as a newborn. She needs it.

It’s clear that you harbour some misogynistic views so you’re not going to be able to offer a vulnerable pregnant woman the kind of support she needs. Too busy trying to invent a narrative to get the deadbeat father off the hook and labelling women on here as “hysterical”.

GabriellaMontez · 06/01/2023 12:40

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:33

So he can witness the birth of his child obviously.

It's not a spectator sport.

He has no right to be there. Its not about him.

The OP should give birth with whatever support makes her most confident and comfortable.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 06/01/2023 17:57

Puppers Your post is full of conjecture. You have literally invented an entire back story for this poster that doesn't exist !

You accuse me of being a misogynist . Based on what ? Your ENTIRELY invented narrative from ONE post !!

If you believe that ALL males are automatically abusive because they want equal access to their child then I would say that you are misandrists.

What about a woman who is abusive to her partner before and during pregnancy. ? You don't know this is not the case anymore than you know it is. You are simply pontificating that ALL woman are dedicated mothers and should not be separated from their babies.. well I have news for you. I have been involved with plenty of cases where babies have been removed from the parent at birth. For a huge number of reasons . Including bit not limited to ;
Drug abuse
Alcohol abuse
Violent partners who they refuse to leave.
Sexual abuse (either by the mother or allowing a partner to commit CSE)
Neglect

So get off your high horse with 'it's abuse to separate a mother and child at birth' and accuse me of misogyny !!

So - again. Without knowing the back story - no one can tell the OP what is reasonable based solely on the facts she provided .

Nannylovesshopping · 06/01/2023 22:07

Where is the op?

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