Abandoned when pregnant

[Anon4435]

My partner abandoned me when I was pregnant and I am due in a week. He refuses to give me the travel system which was bought for my baby (gift from his parents) and says he has receipts for a lot of the things that was bought.
he is being unkind and he walked out on me and the baby and yet wants 50/50 custody.
can anyone help? When do I need to tell him when the baby is born? What are his and my rights?
Im in despair!

What he is threatening - to take the baby for half the time - is harmful to OP and to her baby and is not a starting point for genuine discussion

hang on, calm down. You’re going too far. She hasn’t said when he wasn’t 50/50 to start and you habe no idea if it is harmful to the op or the baby based in the limited info provided.

I understand this. But from his perspective, he will need his own pram etc so I was trying to help the OP see that she should give up any hopes of him giving her travel system.

Op look to clarify

you both have equal parenting rights.
it’s important to understand when he wants 50/50 to start and what it looks like Ie days nights etc Ie is it immediate or when the child is 6 months etc?
you can leave him off the birth certificate but it is just a delay tactic, he can get added quickly and easily and will not serve you well if it goes to court
if it’s 50/50 then it’s likely you will not be due maintenance
it would be better for both of you to be able to co parent amicably, but it doesn’t sound like this is feasible right now. You are clearly arguing over money, and haven’t stated why the relationship ended

Do NOT name him on the birth certificate. Do NOT give the baby his surname. I absolutely promise you that you will regret it if you do. Please learn from the mistakes of others. Good luck love 💐

Why? He has shown no interest in supporting the safe and healthy development of his child in the womb

funnily enough until 1970s it wasn’t expected for fathers to witness the birth. Even for kings who have a vested interest in inheritance- that was left to doctors and clergy.

a lot of men are pretty useless in the labour room. Women feeling unsupported etc. I can’t think of a nastier entitlement to insist on being there to witness the women you deserted at her most vulnerable and in pain. He does not have a “need” to witness the birth - that doesn’t make him a dad . What makes him a dad is how much support he gives the child and mother- to date he’s shown his colours on that pretty clearly

Do not allow him at the birth. Do not tell him when you’re giving birth. Do not put him on the birth certificate. Those are your starting points. Claim CMS asap. Do not send pictures of the baby. Stop contacting him.

At the earlier stage they do not both have equal rights to custody. Stop spinning stuff that courts will not impose. If she breast feeds the baby will have to be with her pretty much all the time - you can’t train a baby to breast feed only at certain times- you can try, but it won’t work consistently. A estranged dad could visit at her home or agreed meeting place but mum needs to be there. Maybe, if she trusted him he could take baby out for a short pram walk- but clearly this Pillock is on a control fest and she woul do well not to trust him to come back quickly even if baby was distressed , just to exert his power.
even if not breast feeding courts will not seperate mum 50:50 in early months and it will be phased in slowly.

I’m troubled by many of your posts on here @BabyOnBoard90, but this one has extremely bad advice.

He has no rights at all to be at the birth and shouldn’t be. The OP will be at her most vulnerable ever and having the man who abandoned her and has actively sought to punish her ever since in the room at that time would be horrific.

A man doesn't automatically have the right to witness the labour of a woman, no matter the situation. It's the labouring woman's choice who is in that room, point blank, no exceptions.

This attitude is honestly absolutely abhorrent, and disgusting of you. You should be ashamed.

OP he's the father of your child, and you've very much made a bed you now have to lie in.

Calm down? 🤔 What an odd thing to say.

50/50 is not an appropriate contact schedule for a baby. Or even a toddler. No court is going to order that, precisely because it is not in the best interests of the child. I don't need further information.

The pp who said tell him when you are in labour so he can be present is nuts. Of course you shouldn’t invite him to the birth, he’s an ex partner, and not a friendly one. You need to feel completely relaxed and safe and he has no rights to see the baby born.

As much as you think you’re entitled to it, forget about the car seat/gifts etc. (I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with the term ‘travel system’ - I’m assuming its a car seat) He’s using stuff to have power over you so nip it in the bud and find another way to get the things you need.

You don’t have to have any contact with him at all. If he wants to claim fatherhood and sue for custody at some point in the future (which I think is unlikely) you can think about it then but for now concentrate on yourself and the baby. Even with proof that he is the father he cannot get custody of a newborn and later it will be entirely up to the court so don’t listen to anything he tells you about his ‘rights’ in this regard.

And you don’t have to put his name on the birth certificate if you don’t want to. In fact I’d encourage you not to. Good luck OP.

You are absolutely kidding me, having a twat like that at the birth so he can make her nervous and interfere. She doesn't have to have anyone at the birth she doesn't want to.
If you breast feed then there is no question of 50/50. I suggest you let him take you to court and until then keep him at arms length.
He doesn't get to dictate anything. Let the court decide. If you are EBF there won't be any of that.

This is largely incorrect. It's wildly irresponsible to be dishing out advice to vulnerable women on subjects you don't have knowledge of.

They don't "have equal parenting rights" in terms of contact at this stage.

OP cannot add a man she is not married to to her child's birth certificate and she certainly won't be punished in court in the future for "leaving him off the birth certificate".

There are not "equal rights".

The test for separated parents is the "best interest of the child".

This man does not comprehend what that means. Do not put him in the certificate, and make your own plans. Certainly do not start making arrangements for shared custody. No court will arrange 50/50 at this stage.

Until a court decides otherwise there are equal rights. And no judge or anyone worth their salt would make a proclaimation on someone’s ability based on 9 lines only from one side.

grow up

I thought parenthood in the UK didn't confer rights per se, only responsibilities?

Don't be silly. I defy you to find one piece of legislation that states what you claim.

The test is the best interest of the child.

As you were.

@JassyRadlett - yes you are correct. It's typically mens rights activists that discuss equal rights. Telling, when the test is best interest.

When the Child Maintenance Service assumes who the parent is
You’ll be assumed to be the child’s parent if any of the following apply:
you were married to, or the civil partner of, the child’s mother at any time between the conception and birth of the child (unless the child is adopted)
you’re named on the child’s birth certificate (unless the child is adopted)
a DNA test shows you’re the parent
you legally adopted the child
you’re named in a court order as the parent when the child was born to a surrogate mother

What does “equal rights” mean in this context? Can you point to the relevant legislation?

Or alternatively, stop talking about a subject that you clearly have zero knowledge of and giving incorrect advice to someone in a vulnerable situation for your own entertainment and ego.

@BabyOnBoard90
dont be ridiculous. Did you miss the bit where he has left op to it,and is refusing to hand over equipment that would help, why on earth would you want someone who is prepared to walk out on you at the birth?

Op, I wouldn’t worry about 50/50, but get legal advice. I would register the birth, give the child your name and not register him as the father. As others have said get child benefit to you and go to CMS

he won’t get any better

Just to be clear @Angrymum202 is wrong here. Maintenance is entirely separate from the birth certificate. If he denies paternity they will make him test, if he refuses they assume he is the father. Obviously a positive paternity test could be used as part of a court application to be added to the birth certificate ( if he bothers to do so’, but it is entirely false to say he has to be on the certificate to pay maintenance- otherwise shitty unmarried men would refuse to attend the appointment as a way to avoid maintenance.

Do not put him on the birth certificate. If you DO put him on the birth certificate, he can walk away with your baby and you will have to go to court to get them back. If you put him in the birth certificate he has the exact same parental rights as you do. So DO NOT DO IT. You can still claim Child Maintenance.

You absurdly do not need him to be at the birth. Giving birth is a medical procedure and its YOUR medical procedure. YOU get to choose who you want there . In your shoes I would take my mum or a friend and not tell him about the birth of the baby until you have registered them ( this is to protect you both).

You need to do your very best to breast feed. If you are the babies sole source of food, no judge in the uk will insist that the baby goes to him 50/50. And for him to take you to court to get on the birth certificate etc will take months so will buy you valuable time to bind with your baby.

If you do all that ^ and DO NOT chase him for contact or visiting your baby, let him do ALL the running, then most wastes of space like him tend to be very low frequency visitors to their child's lives. This actually works out best for you as you and your baby can move on in life and you won't be constantly let down by him.

Important to remember that he's let you down terribly. If you accept him back, he's already set the standard for how you will be treated. It won't improve, it will get worse. And if he has parental rights through the birth certificate or marriage.... You will very likely only see your baby 50/50 as they get older.

I'm sorry this has happened.

You need to tey and source a car seat from somewhere or someone else urgently. You could try Facebook marketplace, putting a request out on social media, freecycle, specialist baby and child charity shops etc

As others have said he doesnt have automatic rights for 50 50 care as building up to that gradually is in the childs best interests. Presumably if youd been together you would have been taking maternity leave so you would have been the primary caregiver.

In all your discussions going forward make sure you reference 'the baby's best interests' rather than what you need or your preferences.

So state that you are keen to support working up to 50 50 care eventually as you know that for older children, having a strong bond with the father is important and will do your best to facilitate this. Find some studies or court decisions that evidence the best way to achieve this is little and often (eg estranged fathers rarely have younger babies overnight). Put forward a schedule of contact that is frequent but short, initially with you, then at your house, then him taking the baby out for a few hours. Personally I'd persevere with breastfeeding if you can if you are worried he is not going to be reasonable and is going to insist on taking the baby away for extended periods of time.

The birth is all about the health of the mother, you dont need to tell him anything until afterwards. And I'd wait and see when that afterwards is (eg he has no 'rights' to come and visit in hospital - you are there for YOUR medical procedure and are entitled to privacy and most people wouldnt want an ex to see them with boobs out, and vulnerable etc.

Register the birth without him and choose whatever name and make sure your surname is given. You will be the primary carer and registering for everything and it will be a pain if you have a different name.

Best of luck. It sounds like he wont make things easy so I'd advise waiting before responding to him, gritting your teeth and appearing reasonable, always referencing the babys interests, and keeping everything in writing so that if or when it goes to court you can demonstrate that you've not been unreasonable and not refused contact