Abandoned when pregnant

[Anon4435]

My partner abandoned me when I was pregnant and I am due in a week. He refuses to give me the travel system which was bought for my baby (gift from his parents) and says he has receipts for a lot of the things that was bought.
he is being unkind and he walked out on me and the baby and yet wants 50/50 custody.
can anyone help? When do I need to tell him when the baby is born? What are his and my rights?
Im in despair!

Op, there are lots of travel systems on Facebook marketplace, in charities etc. There's a Barnardo's kids shop near me that constantly has travel systems. Some good brands and not used much either.

Formally, you are not supposed to use a car seat that you don't know for sure had never been in an accident; however accidents are not common and the vast vast majority of people would never sell a car seat that had been in an accident.

If you can buy one off a relative or friend, you'd know for sure as well.

You may also be able to get help buying one depending on your economic circumstances.

Well exactly.
Baby on Board have you ever given birth?
It often takes a while, especially for a first baby. And it’s not easy to predict how long it will take. After the baby is born the next few hours are a shit time for visitors - you cannot walk into the room immediately after the birth unless you’re a birth partner. The placenta needs to be delivered, mum likely needs stitches, and the midwives need to monitor how much blood mum loses and the baby’s condition. Standard is 2 hours for this stage and midwives will extend it if anything needs sorting/further monitoring - like if mum bleeds more than average or baby needs some suction to help with breathing.
So suggesting the Father who had broken up with the mother should be at the hospital to witness the birth but not the baby crowning is all a bit pointless. They generally kick you out of hospital very quickly in the UK too - often the same day for a straightforward VB or after 24-48 hours for a C section.
There is zero point in the father waiting at the hospital during OPs labour if she doesn’t want him in the room during the birth. He can visit after, either during hospital visiting hours or once she and baby are home and OP’s had a chance to shower and settle.

In fairness this "father" should wait for 48 hrs in a car in a car park ..... Maybe he'll have an epiphany about his utter shittiness as a person.

Or maybe not.

Buy your own travel system.

Don't tell him when you're in labour.

Don't give the baby his surname.

Register the baby without him and inform him afterwards.

If he wants parental responsibility he can apply for it.

Hard no to 50/50 custody. Try to breastfeed for as long as possible.

The baby has rights. He only has responsibilities.

If you can't afford a travel system, check out freecycle or similar pages on Facebook etc. you can put asking posts in your community.

If you had a good relationship with DP's parents you could reach out and offer to let them maintain a relationship with you and bubs. They may also help too. I know it might be rare but I have a friend who had a shit ex partner but maintained a lovely relationship with his parents who stayed in her life even when she had a new partner. They helped with childcare and she helped them out too. She thought the world of them and they her I think.

I don't have wherewithal to respond to all the replies individually so I'll just conclude with this:

• breaking up with someone doesn't make you an abuser / deserter, it just means the relationship.
• Resolving visitation and working towards an effective parenting approach is always less toxic than going through the courts.
• Alerting ex that baby is arriving is a mature step in the right direction. He will always be a significant factor in the child's life, making things more hostile won't change that.

OP has the right to do as she please, it's just my advice. Don't let these bitter women give you advice that just makes compounds the conflict. For the sake of your child, choose peace.

Not responding anymore. OP hasn't added more context so a debate is a time waste.

Sorry but if he wants custody too he's within his rights to keep the gift from his parents so he can use it for the baby during his time. Unless they've said it's for you not for him/baby.

But I'd agree as others have said just don't engage with him unless he takes you to court off his own back. Don't put him on the birth certificate.

Sounds like he is using baby against you. Don't let him. Go no contact with him until after the baby is born. Don't tell him when you are in labour. Forget about travel system and assume you are on your own. Buy a new car seat as you can't leave hospital without one. Buy pre used baby clothes off of Facebook marketplace. You can get a pre used but in good condition travel system there too. You can buy pre used cot but always buy a new mattress. Other equipment can be pre used. Really baby won't care as long as warm and comfortable. Aldi baby nappies are great and cheaper than others but don't buy too many in tiny size. Best to get them as you need them. Make sure you put your surname on registry certificate. You choose name as he walked out on you he gets no say at all. Once baby is born contact CMS. He will have to pay initially. He may want contact but refuse without court order. If you breastfeed exclusive it is unlikely your ex would be granted more than an hour at a time contact. CMS is paid on where baby is over night. Baby of breastfed will always need to be overnight with you so ex will have to pay. If he bothers going to court, which will cost him, go and explain you are exclusively breastfeeding on demand so baby needs to be with you. Until baby is weaned 6/7 months ex won't get more than 1-2 hours at a time. See how committed he is after 6 months. Keep a record of dates and times of handovers. Try to get a person to witness handovers so if he does not turn up not just your word when you record he failed to turn up.

he is a nasty man and his only aim is to upset you.
just don't engage with him unless he takes you to court off his own back. Don't put him on the birth certificate. so true.
i can say he wont even fight for 50/50. its all hot air.
be in peace with your baby. he doesnt exist.

Sounds more silly to compare the birth of a child to a routine personal procedure. This isn't a smear test

Giving birth is an intimate, personal experience which you choose to share - or not - with whoever you want. Ex partners don't have any right to involvement in the birth of their children. And actually, current partners don't either - I know of a couple of women who chose to have friends/family members rather than partners present at the birth of their children.

OP - he doesn't get 50/50 for the first year as a minimum because all the psychology of bonding and attachment is just not workable. Breast feed. It's the easiest and most efficient way of keeping him at arm's length. Do what is right for you - he won't get far in the courts for a little while so don't let it worry you now.

As for the travel system and other items, if they were given to him and he intends to use them then leave it at that. He will need a pram and car seat for when he has baby so it's not unreasonable.

I have to say that I think you are right. As things currently stand. Without context there is absolutely no way that anyone here can say if the father has been 'abusive' . Withholding a present for HIS baby from HIS parents could be abusive (if OP has no means to obtain another) or could not be. The gift has been given to their son for his child.

On the face of it abandoning a partner in late pregnancy would appear so but without further details how do we know ?

Taken to extremes the OP could be abusive to the man. Pregnancy hormones can pay havoc with an expectant mothers behaviour. She could be shouting abuse at him from dawn til dusk. ! She could be physically abusive to him. It does happen.

None of us know !

To jump to the conclusion that leaving a relationship automatically means the father is abusive without anything more than the scant details provided - is unfair on ALL parties including the baby.

I am not saying she should involve him in the birth. I am not saying she shouldn't. That is her decision and hers alone based on the facts that only the OP knows.

My dad didn’t separate when my mum was pregnant with my younger brother, but he did take a very convenient temporary job opportunity abroad. She resented him for it of course, it was clear there was something going on in his mind.

However - he never ever checked out financially, he made sure she had what she needed for pregnancy and baby’s arrival. And he knew she had family close, so she wasn’t completely alone emotionally or if medical need (ex to babysit one night with a scare throughout, she called him and said he wasn’t needed physically, and she was discharged the following morning anyway. He wanted all the medical updates as well. It’s like he was lost, but still making sure finances and support (albeit via family) was ensured. He ended up coming back when he was 6 months old (my mum did give him an ultimatum).

So, although my perspectives are obviously limited, based on this experience :

• He hasn’t supported you either financially or emotionally
• Worse, he’s causing you stress, which is unhealthy for both pregnancy and labour : if you’re stressed by his presence during labour, your blood pressure could go up, etc. Only you know what his presence would imply for you emotionally.
• I would personally choose by precaution, given his previous behavior, not to inform him until only your name only is on the birth certificate. You can figure out the rest after. I don’t have experience in child psychology, but my dad bonded just fine with my brother when he returned when he was 6 months old (fell in love with him actually)

Overall : think about what’s in your best interests health wise, because that is what is most important right now and for the baby’s first few months (hence the BC suggestion). A couple of months delay won’t make a difference to re include him, if you don’t feel up to adding him in your life right now.

Forget about the travel system his parents bought and find one elsewhere. Then do nothing except look after yourself and prepare for your labour.

Let him make contact to see if the baby has arrived and let him chase you if he wants to be on the birth certificate. If he wants to be a parent with 50/50 residency, let him go to court for it.

That’s not what “present” means though is it…

And OP might not fancy seeing him just after giving birth, so there’s no point in him waiting around in the cold.

Give the baby your surname not his.

You don’t need to put him on the BC but don’t expect any CM if you don’t.

Do everything you can to protect yourself and your mental health. You are very vulnerable just now. You do not need to tell him when you give birth and indeed you may feel you don't want to in case he turns up at the hospital when you are potentially immobile and in pain. You can - if it made you feel more secure - ask the hospital not to let him in in case he turns up uninvited.

You need to 'let go' of the things he has bought and just plan to start afresh yourself. Good luck, OP. Our thoughts are with you. You are about to meet your baby!!

It wouldn't make sense for him to give you the travel system as he will need it himself.

If he’s going for 50/50 I am not sure he’s being unreasonable on the travel system, arguably both need it just as much as the other and sharing isn’t an option as the split is acrimonious

when does he want 5o/50 to start?

Not with a newborn he won't, as the baby won't be travelling anywhere without its mother.

OP, it goes without saying but for the love of god please make sure that your baby has YOUR surname.

He's not the fucking Lord Chamberlain, no need for anyone to 'witness' a birth!

What there is a need for is for a mother to feel safe and well cared for with people around her best placed to assist with that. Doesn't feel like the type of scenario where his presence would be welcome or positive, so no need to give it any more thought.

I think you must be having problems following the thread.

Nobody has said that breaking up with someone is abusive; there are additional factors and further context in this case that indicate that OP's ex partner is abusive.

Nobody has said that OP should block any genuine attempts by the baby's father to build a co-parenting relationship and resolve visitation. What he is threatening - to take the baby for half the time - is harmful to OP and to her baby and is not a starting point for genuine discussion.

The birth is 100% about OP and the baby, not about OP having to pander to a man who has removed himself from the equation and is currently not looking likely to be a significant factor in the child's life, through his own choice. He knows where OP lives and he presumably knows how long human gestation takes. He can make the "mature steps" necessary off his own back. As for "choose peace" - it isn't OP who has left. It isn't OP who is being abusive. It isn't OP who refuses to engage other than making baseless threats to remove the child from its mother. It's not OP's responsibility or indeed within OP's power to create a healthy co-parenting situation from this bloke's mess. The fact that she is a woman doesn't make her responsible.

Women who disagree with you are not "bitter". What a strange and, again, very immature conclusion to jump to.

oh you are SO funny!