Abandoned when pregnant

[Anon4435]

My partner abandoned me when I was pregnant and I am due in a week. He refuses to give me the travel system which was bought for my baby (gift from his parents) and says he has receipts for a lot of the things that was bought.
he is being unkind and he walked out on me and the baby and yet wants 50/50 custody.
can anyone help? When do I need to tell him when the baby is born? What are his and my rights?
Im in despair!

Forget about the things unless you actually have receipts yourself. You have the baby. Don’t put his name on the birth certificate and don’t let him anywhere near you before, during or after the birth. If you can move away from him now and closer to family, that would be absolutely ideal. I would give him an email address for future contact and then block him on your phone. Don’t let him know where you live, etc.

Are you for real? 😳 It isn’t a spectator event. I don’t even have children but I have seen enough TV depictions of labour to know for sure that I wouldn’t want some arsehole that I am no longer in a relationship with watching me!

No, it's a much more dangerous, unpredictable and stressful event.

The interests of the mother in giving birth are paramount, for her own sake and the sake of the baby.

Having an abusive, manipulative person who has effectively abandoned her would serve those interests how, exactly?

Hello OP. So sorry to hear you're in this situation.

I would contact your midwife at the next opportunity as she may be able to recommend some organisations/charities that will be able to give you some practical advice and legal support, which is what you need right now.

You people make it sound like he needs to be there to see child crowning out the vagina. He can literally wait in the car park

Just because someone doesn't want to be with you doesn't make them manipulative or abusive

I would put in a CMS claim as soon as I had the birth certificate. There is no way he will be awarded 50/50 for a newborn, so park that worry for now. You need people around who love and care for you not a mean spirited ex who makes you anxious so keep him well awayy from you for the birth and time immediately after.

He can literally wait in the car park

How can he witness the birth of the OP's child from the car park?

Would you want someone who you weren’t on good terms with, who you felt had abandoned you during your pregnancy, obviously caused stress and anxiety about everything leading up to birth and beyond with your whilst in labour or during a C-section? Would you even want them present in the hours after when you’re extremely vulnerable? Each to their own.

Abandoning her, demanding 50/50 custody of a newborn, refusing to do things that in the child's best interests - these do not mark him out as likely to be a supportive presence for a labouring mother, even if he doesn't meet the definition of 'abusive.' He definitely sounds very manipulative.

Giving birth isn't a spectator sport. It's a private and intimate process which should only be attended by medical professionals and people supportive to the mother.

He'd hand over the travel system and not cause the Mother any stress (which impacts on the baby while in utero), if he really cared about the baby. This is a power play.

OP you tell him that the baby is here when it suits you. Your comfort and bonding is the most important. You register the birth in your name. He can prove to a court that he is fit to have access. He won't get 50/50. Once the child is a toddler hopefully you could move to shared parenting, but he'd have to show that he's got the best interests of the child in mind.

Eh? I am not, I am saying the exact opposite of that. So is everyone else bar you, it is you that said he should “witness the birth”.

Also OP, try very hard to breastfeed.

If my some crazy chance he does decide to go to court to get visitation, the court will not separate a breastfed baby from mum until they are much older and on solid food.

There is a lot of mixed messages on MN about birth certificates. It is not black and white.

The baby's father is the baby's father. That is a matter of fact. However, if you are unmarried you cannot put his name in the certificate unless he is present at the registration. Therefore you have some options.

1. You can register the child alone and not notifying him as to when your registration appointment is.

1. You can ask him to attend registration if he wishes to be named on the certificate.

If you go for option 1 it can be a temporary position. All the time he is not on the certificate he has no parental responsibility. Therefore cannot demand anything - with regard to the child .
However, he can make an application to the court for PR (which he will almost certainly be awarded) AND a child arrangement order to discuss the time to be spent with each parent.

Care of a child is not just physical. When PR is awarded BOTH parents have equal responsibility for the child's welfare. Matters such as healthcare , welfare decisions and education etc should be agreed by both. No one parent trumps the other. The focus is 'the child's best interests'. This also goes for physical care. At the beginning, the separated father could hope to be granted daily visits to the baby (once the PR is granted so baby could be 6 months old by then) in order to create a firm bond. This can then move to overnights. Breast feeding is not necessarily a bar. The father can feed expressed milk .

Again, it's about the best interests of the baby. Is it best for the baby to have nourishment direct from the mothers boob at the expense of being denied time to create a bond with the father ? - or is the father so inadequate and looking solely to deprive the mother of the child ? Only the parents know the truth and need to put feelings about each other aside . If they are not able to do this then the court will decide for them .

There are other outcomes for Option 1.
He doesn't bother to challenge it. Because he never wanted a child. The threats of 50/50 are just posturing to exert control and fear.

He may WANT to challenge for PR but simply has no idea how to go about it and the mention of court and fees scares him off. (Your child being denied an otherwise competent father through ignorance of the law is in my view very sad)

Option 2.

All of the above except the first steps (and cost - £215 for DIY application) for the father to establish PR are avoided. This may look a better option as the mother will be thinking 'at least I get the baby to myself for 6 months' .. but is this genuinely in the babies best interest or just the mothers. ?
If the father is genuine in his commitment to the child, then surely establishing a bond from day 1 is better for baby than introducing them after a lengthy court process ?

The decision to name or not name is difficult where the parties are conflicted . It is extraordinarily difficult to put emotions to one side and focus on the child at times like these.

Personally. I would say that if you honestly believe that he wanted a child and will be an engaged and caring father towards them - then ask him to register with you.

However, if this was unplanned and he has shown know genuine interest and is using baby as a means to make you unhappy, then register alone and make him jump through the hoops to prove his commitment to the child.

I take it you weren't married so he has zero rights.

He will have to go to court for anything.

Block him on everything and ignore him until after the baby is born. You don't need the stress.

• unless he is on the birth certficate he has no rights. Your not married (I assume) and you must live alone or with family, so use them as support.
• Contact your local food bank/charity. Also silver cross work in partnership with a charity to support with prams etc, also check your local fb page for anything you need cheaply while you get things sorted. as PP said hospital will not let you leave without a car seat/pram etc depending on your method of transport to and from hospital.
• Its entirely up to you if you want him there or to arrange for him to visit after baby is born. sadly if hes been the way he is then he doesnt sound to relaxed and you dont need the stress whilst in labour. Focus on you and your baby. start as you mean to go on ! if you dont want him there then you need to tell the midwives etc so they know not to let him in, labour wards etc are all key systems so he cant just walk in anyway.

What is it you need/are missing for baby ?

This is only one aspect, I know but…. Don’t stress about “stuff”, like travel systems etc. google homestart and your local area and get in touch with them. If nothing local, there might be a baby bank. Also people are always getting rid of baby stuff on FB and in charity shops. I got a full almost new travel system for £30.

You can do this.

Put in a claim for CMS as soon as the baby is born. Tell your midwife.

Abandoning your pregnant partner, withholding equipment that she needs for the baby, refusing to engage with her and threatening to take the baby 50% of the time (which absolutely no court would uphold) is abusive.

You don't sound very mature and you're offering appalling advice to somebody in a vulnerable situation.

It's actually 3/4 years for overnights

Wait for what?

Keeping a travel system that people bought for your baby and depriving them & their main carer of it is malicious.... Not a kick in the arse off abusive.

He only wants 50 50 so he doesn't have to pay child maintenance.

Not thinking about a newborn baby's welfare at all.

A man who cared about his child would not be causing the mother unnecessary stress before the birth. Nor would he be withholding the travel system.

No-one has the right to be with OP when she gives birth. Everyone present is there with OP's agreement.

OP - you don't have to have anyone there including your Ex, unless you want to ask them to be there. You shouldn't feel you have to have anyone there who may cause you stress and impact your labour negatively.

You do not have to invite your Ex to attend the registration of the birth. I would register without him. If he wants to be added he can go through the legal channels to do so. You can also chose to add him to the BC at a later date, if he proves himself able to coparent amicably and in your child's best interests.

At the moment all the signs are that he is not thinking in his child's best interests e.g. withholding the travel system and causing you stress and worry. Registering the birth without him buys you time to sort out reasonable contact. It also enables you to make choices on your own e.g. where to live, medical decisions etc.

50/50 shared custody is inappropriate for a newborn. Don't worry about that now, he won't be able to force this after the birth. However, if you add him to the BC he could refuse to return your baby after contact.

Finally, seek proper advice on reasonable contact for a newborn and small baby.

Sounds like one of the misogynist wind up contrary trolls who seem to be on a lot of threads on here these days.

Furthermore the travel system includes the single most important piece of equipment (for transport, since most people cannot walk or het public transport between hospital and home, baby clinic and home, gp and home, supermarket and home etc); the car seat.

Leaving op having to buy an expensive piece of essential equipment on her own and who knows what her financial circumstances are ... When it's already been bought for her baby.

Disgusting behaviour.