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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abandoned when pregnant

124 replies

Anon4435 · 05/01/2023 09:46

My partner abandoned me when I was pregnant and I am due in a week. He refuses to give me the travel system which was bought for my baby (gift from his parents) and says he has receipts for a lot of the things that was bought.
he is being unkind and he walked out on me and the baby and yet wants 50/50 custody.
can anyone help? When do I need to tell him when the baby is born? What are his and my rights?
Im in despair!

OP posts:
BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 09:58

Sounds an acrimonious break-up, would need further details to understudy abandonment element.

Clearly he's being unreasonable with the travel system, but again without the context difficult to say to what extent.

You'll need to work to resolution in order to be effective co-parents. That might mean taking the high/ mature approach for you and your child's benefit. It will be a lot less stressful to work this out between yourselves than to let the courts decide.

Definitely tell him once baby is arriving so he can be present.

Eyerollcentral · 05/01/2023 10:08

@Anon4435 sounds stressful. He won’t be able to have a newborn baby 50/50 so don’t focus on that at the moment. You won’t be able to leave the hospital without a car seat so I would focus on that for the moment to try and get it returned to you. You may need to just buy an alternative if you can afford it.
Forget about everything until the birth is over, it’s not important at the moment

Chaiandchocolate · 05/01/2023 10:10

You may be better seeking legal advice, particularly about 50/50 care, which I think is absolutely not acceptable for a newborn to be taken from its mother.

As for the pp saying you need to tell him so he can be present for the birth - you decide who is present for the birth! You can have him, no one, or anybody else of your choosing. He does not get the right to see you at your most vulnerable without your permission.

Re the travel system - just forget it and get your own. The more you ask for it the more power he feels he has over you. If you will have difficulty purchasing one look on Facebook groups for a second-hand one or contact your local Baby Bank.

Nightynightnight · 05/01/2023 10:20

You say partner so I'm assuming you weren't married. In that case he has no immediate rights to be present at birth, or to have any contact at all with the baby or to be named on the birth certificate. Once he is named on the birth certificate it is easier for him to obtain parental responsibilities. He will need to do this through the courts. Once he has parental responsibilities he can request contact. With a new born baby this will be limited because the court recognises the importance of a strong attachment between a child and it's primary care giver - usually mum due to feeding etc.

However, I also agree that the context is important. And it is also known that if parents can avoid conflict and nurture a good, strong co-parenting alliance where the child has access to both parents, then the child will do better than those who are brought up with conflict and court involvement.

In terms of the belongings, larger items such as buggies do tend to be shared, but at this stage whilst conflict is high it might be better to try if you can to source a different buggy.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/01/2023 10:22

You don't have to tell him anything. I suggest you don't engage with him unless it's to attend a pre court mediation appointment that HE has arranged.
50/50 is a ridiculous idea and will never be considered with a new baby, even if he bothers to ask for it.

Strawblue · 05/01/2023 10:22

Don’t tell him when you are in labour unless you want to. He has no right to be at the birth unless you want him there.

Buy your own travel system.

Seek legal advice about 50/50 but I highly doubt he has a leg to stand on for a baby; also is he just threatening you with this to have some sort of power over you? Has he made arrangements for paternity leave or to go part-time so that he can provide 50/50 care? Probably not and it’s designed to wind you up. Seek legal advice regardless though as to what is reasonable access to offer him.

I’m not sure what the law is exactly but if you aren’t living together at the time of the birth you don’t have to put him on the birth certificate, but he will be within this rights to challenge this. Think about who’s surname you will give the baby.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/01/2023 10:23

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 09:58

Sounds an acrimonious break-up, would need further details to understudy abandonment element.

Clearly he's being unreasonable with the travel system, but again without the context difficult to say to what extent.

You'll need to work to resolution in order to be effective co-parents. That might mean taking the high/ mature approach for you and your child's benefit. It will be a lot less stressful to work this out between yourselves than to let the courts decide.

Definitely tell him once baby is arriving so he can be present.

Why the fk should she tell him so he can be present?

LIZS · 05/01/2023 10:24

Plan life without him. Go through cms for financial support. He won't get 50/50 from birth and it is doubtful he would bother to pursue it legally when it comes to it.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/01/2023 10:25

if you aren’t living together at the time of the birth you don’t have to put him on the birth certificate, but he will be within this rights to challenge this

if they aren't married she CANNOT put him on the BC if he isn't there. He can add himself later.

Warspite · 05/01/2023 10:27

I have no experiences to help you with this but I wouldn’t have him at the birth & wouldn’t want his name on the birth certificate. What a manipulative so an so he is.

Just sending a big hug and lots of supportive thoughts. You can do this! Be the bigger person & totally ignore him.

Keep yr dignity & don’t drop to his ignorant level.

Emmamoo89 · 05/01/2023 10:28

He won't get 50/50 especially if you decide to breastfeed but baby needs to be with the mother. Don't put him on the birth certificate. If you don't want him there at the birth don't tell him. X

LIZS · 05/01/2023 10:28

Make sure your mw knows the situation and the hospital in case he tries to visit.

Lockheart · 05/01/2023 10:29

If you think he will escalate it, seek legal advice from a solicitor and support from your midwife.

When the baby is born, apply through the process for CMS.

If his parents bought the travel system he doesn't have to give it to you. I would buy your own.

Unless you come to an amicable agreement for shared custody, he will need to apply through the courts, which are unlikely to order extended stays with the father while the baby is young.

cortisolqueen · 05/01/2023 10:33

He sounds like a complete arse OP. I think you need to be prepared to do this alone. I suggest:

  • don't tell him when you're in labour. You need people there supporting you & it doesn't sound like he'll be capable of this
  • I would wait until you're out of hospital to tell him baby has arrived, hospital can be chaotic enough
  • register the birth without him & give the baby your surname
  • apply for child benefit in your name & put a claim into CMS for child support from him
  • buy your own travel system/equipment (I would let his parents know he's refusing to give you the one they bought)
  • he can't have 50:50 care of a baby. Many people say no overnights until at least 12-18m old, short visits at first, building up to longer visits as baby gets older
BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:33

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/01/2023 10:23

Why the fk should she tell him so he can be present?

Show quote history

So he can witness the birth of his child obviously.

rambunctiousrapscallion · 05/01/2023 10:36

First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your primary focus should be on your and your baby's wellbeing. surround yourself with people who love you.

In terms of the birth, he has no right to be there. It is an intense experience, do not be pressured into anything as its vital you feel safe and supported.

For the travel system, honestly, if you can, buy your own. Hes using it for control dont give him the satisfaction. I bought a fancy all bells and whistles one but then needed a smaller one for travelling so got it cheap off facebook marketplace and its just as good. I use them both.

In terms of next steps, it does depend. I am generally of the opinion a child has a right to know their father unless it would be unsafe. You dont have to answer but unless you honestly fear that he would hurt the child or use PR to continue abuse you, the birth certificate is a legal document so he should be added.

In terms of contact, it is in the best interest if the child to coparent. At the baby stage, little and often is best. Only a few hours but regularly. How close do you live to eachother?

If you have a trusted friend of relative could they be the point of contact between the two of you for a while to let emotions calm and keep your final weeks as smooth as possible?

EndlessRain1 · 05/01/2023 10:36

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:33

So he can witness the birth of his child obviously.

Show quote history

A birth is a medical event for the mother primarily. There is no right for fathers to be present.

OP, buy your own stuff if you can't rely on him. Seek legal advice re access. Id think it very unlikely that someone would be given 50/50 access to a new born. Especially if you decide to breastfeed.

IhearyouClemFandango · 05/01/2023 10:37

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:33

So he can witness the birth of his child obviously.

Show quote history

No way.

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:38

EndlessRain1 · 05/01/2023 10:36

A birth is a medical event for the mother primarily. There is no right for fathers to be present.

OP, buy your own stuff if you can't rely on him. Seek legal advice re access. Id think it very unlikely that someone would be given 50/50 access to a new born. Especially if you decide to breastfeed.

Show quote history

I didn't say he had a right to be there, I suggested she should invite him.

IhearyouClemFandango · 05/01/2023 10:39

What makes you think she wants him there? Given the content of her post?

greeneyessparksfly · 05/01/2023 10:39

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:33

So he can witness the birth of his child obviously.

Show quote history

The baby he’s decided to walk away from whilst the mother is pregnant?

If OP doesn’t want him at the birth that is entirely her right.

Nightynightnight · 05/01/2023 10:41

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:33

So he can witness the birth of his child obviously.

Show quote history

How many of your ex's have you invited to your intimate medical procedures. Don't be silly.

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:44

greeneyessparksfly · 05/01/2023 10:39

The baby he’s decided to walk away from whilst the mother is pregnant?

If OP doesn’t want him at the birth that is entirely her right.

Show quote history

He doesn't want to be with the mother, but wants to be part of child's life - clear distinction.

I didn't suggest she didn't have the "right' to not invite him.

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 10:45

Nightynightnight · 05/01/2023 10:41

How many of your ex's have you invited to your intimate medical procedures. Don't be silly.

Show quote history

Sounds more silly to compare the birth of a child to a routine personal procedure. This isn't a smear test.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/01/2023 10:46

He's an abusive arse.

cortisolqueen's advice is spot on.

Giving birth is not a spectator sport and he has no right to be there.

If he gave a fuck about his child he'd make sure the car seat was with you.

He doesn't really give a fuck. He just wants power over you.

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