DS told us he knows what sex is

[BooseysMom]

I never imagined this scenario. Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. But also please be gentle. I was a child of the 70s and my mum & dad sat me down one day and told me the ins and outs of sex when I was about 13. It was a very uncomfortable experience tbh. But it seems that the job of telling DS (9) has already been done for us by no other than our neighbour's kid who's 10. Now please tell me if you think this is bad and should I go round and see his parents? Or would you just leave it? DH has told him about the birds and bees which is as far as the school have got. But i can't stop thinking that our DS's innocence has now gone completely thanks to the kid next door, who incidentally is a bit if a twat!
WWYD?

@BooseysMom you found the learning experience uncomfortable because you were a teenager - your parents waited too long. Your parents probably felt uncomfortable too. It's much easier to introduce children to the idea of "special cuddles" when they're younger. Usually they ask questions, which can be answered pragmatically with the help of age-appropriate books.

Has your DS told you what he thinks he knows? I remember a lot of kids in the playground at school going round saying "I know what sexing is" but in reality had no clue.

DD almost 9 and i went through Claire Raynor's Body Book.
Sex ed goes through the 'ins and outs" in more detail in year 5 and DD knew most of the surrounding info but not the main act itself.
I feel like they should know, ive always been age appropriately honest about periods, being fat when i am (medication) and so on, as why wouldn't you? I'd hate DD to learn some vaguely pornified version off a school friend, or not be body positive, be scared to ask for medical help so am honest with her.

Be prepared for them to laugh in your face then! The boy has done nothing wrong, just being a normal 10 year old.

I'm a child of the 80s who went to a Catholic school so sex was only taught in biology as part of reproduction at around 14. An older child told me what sex was when I was around 7. My parent's never actually told me about sex, my mum told me what periods were aged 8, well just physically what happens not what it actually was. I think expecting a child to reach 13 none the wiser is kind of funny, surely by 13 you aren't believing it's a Mary and Joseph situ where you just wake up pregnant, you are going to be wondering how a baby gets in there way before. My then 5 year old asked me how do babies get into your womb (I'd just had another child), my husband is a science teacher and told her the biology behind it ie sperm and egg meeting and forming an embryo etc, just not the physical sex bit yet, she's just turned 7 so we will probably tell her the "how" part soon before someone else does (she was asking the how part at 5 but that did feel too young, reception age!). We won't go into massive details when we do tell her, but the basics of what happens, yes.

Explaining sex between humans as being the same as pollination in plants is just stupid. Get a decent age appropriate book and tell your son what he needs to know at his age.

Our child asked us how babies were born when he was about 4.
It's fine op. Its just nature.

I think it’s actually incredibly damaging to children to NOT tell them openly and honestly about these things. Imagine being a child who is being groomed for abuse and people using terms like “special cuddles” - it actually makes me feel really uncomfortable. Far better to be really biological and open and make it clear no one should be touching / doing anything with anyone’s private bits (unless you’re an adult with another adult and have permission obviously)!

You left it too late to tell him yourself.

My son has known the basic biology of sex and periods since he was three and by his current age (ten) he’s also aware of issues like paedophiles, STDs and the importance of consent. He’s also vaguely aware that porn exists and that it is weird and unrealistic, I explained this because I know that in the near future some other kid will show him something online and there is nothing I can do about that.

Keeping your child ignorant is not the same as keeping him innocent.

Don’t speak to the neighbours they’ll just think you’re bonkers.

My mum gave me a picture book on how babies are made when she was pregnant with my db - I was 4. But a boy told me in school too when I was 6 so you sound very behind the curve OP.

My son is 8 and I told him about him in the last year as he was asking . I bought him a age appropriate book and talked it through with him. I think you should of prob told him before now, so the fault lies with you not the neighbours kid.

Gosh. Mine knew all about it by nine, I believed if they asked questions, you answered them, age appropriately, using correct terminology etc. It wasn't in one go, it was bit by bit as they asked. Things like what are tampons for as I bought them, why don't boys and girls have the same genitals. They were always told not to tell other children, when they were young, as their mummies and daddies will want to tell them. Mine felt confident in talking to us about such things and it wasn't made into a snigger in the playground type stuff. I am under no illusion, though, that there was some sniggering, but at least they knew what actually went on.

I was told at that age by two slightly older girls behind the scout hut!

Please tell me you don't refer to it as "special cuddles" that really blurs lines/confuses a child, I'd never refer to sex as a "special cuddle" we cuddle our children, our extended family cuddle our children, no no no, the same word shouldn't be used!

At 9 I knew what sex was. Kids talk and I always remember a joke 'up penny lane' that someone taught me in P5 when I was 8 or 9 and I knew what it meant so there must have been talk before then. I remember all the girls giggling finding it hilarious. I'm an 80s child.

No, you shouldn’t be introducing them to the idea of ‘special cuddles’ ffs.

Poor Boosey! You really should have given him a clear, age appropriate explanation before now. 'Birds and bees' is just a euphemism so I am finding it hard to believe that both the school and his father have taken it literally. They aren't even the same species ffs! Also bees sip nector and collect and transfer pollen on their legs so this is going to be EXTREMELY confusing.

13 is far too late. Learning about sex and our bodies and respect and boundaries and privacy helps keep kids safe.

Never, ever use the idea of “special cuddles”. Totally the wrong terminology to use as per all the posts above mine.

Pollination in plants?? Oh dear. I suppose then the time to worry is if he starts spending too much time around greenhouses when he hits puberty...

Seriously though I'd just forget it for now as he will probably forget too, then have that conversation with him properly when he's a little but not much older. But please, no primulas or daffodils this time. All it does is avoid the real conversation because adults find it awkward and cause confusion when he finds out that his penis isn't supposed to go in a flowerpot.

What country are you in? In the U.K. it is taught in year 5, so aged 9-10 in schools, basic biology. This was the same when I was at school in the early 80's. 13 is far too late

I've an 8 year old boy and an 18 month old baby.

I thought the "but how, mummy?" conversation would come up during my pregnancy and was equipped with books..

Nope. He didn't ask once. I aim to have a chat with him about it before he's 9. Factual, correct terminology and hopefully it won't be a big deal. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Ignorance != "innocence"

If you haven't had any discussion on boys and girls and body parts and how children change as they grow and particularly about consent by the age of nine then of course he will start picking it up from elsewhere.

You might also want to start some consent based discussions early now that he has some information to work with. A shockingly high percentage of boys normalise violence in sex because they are learning about sex and relationships from porn instead of their parents - so start talking about consent before he learns that from outside as well.

Please consider your reasons for this. It is because you don't like this child, it is not really about what he told your DS. Although you seem very sheltered in childrens learning.

I am cringing on your behalf.
Please don’t do this.

Buy your son a decent book on the subject to make sure he has all the correct information.
Answer any questions he has frankly and honestly and use the correct terminology.