DS told us he knows what sex is

[BooseysMom]

I never imagined this scenario. Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. But also please be gentle. I was a child of the 70s and my mum & dad sat me down one day and told me the ins and outs of sex when I was about 13. It was a very uncomfortable experience tbh. But it seems that the job of telling DS (9) has already been done for us by no other than our neighbour's kid who's 10. Now please tell me if you think this is bad and should I go round and see his parents? Or would you just leave it? DH has told him about the birds and bees which is as far as the school have got. But i can't stop thinking that our DS's innocence has now gone completely thanks to the kid next door, who incidentally is a bit if a twat!
WWYD?

Hi ya’ll, I just want to say that I am so happy I have this app ya’ll. I can finally communicate with you lovely lot. That’s it for now, bye yall!

Hi, Thank you all for all your constructive comments. I haven't had time to read every post but get the general gist of it and will read everything when I can. We are in the UK and as far as we know, the school have only covered reproduction in plants..honestly!
Those who say they cover sex at age 9/10, well DS is 9 and so next year they will cover it at school and this child who enlightened him is in a year above so decided to fill him in before us.

And to those who have commented along the lines of us wanting to forbid him from knowing, that is certainly not the case! Of course we want him to be aware but just not fron the kid next door!
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Thank you to everyone who provided sympathetic support. Those saying its great he's brought up the issue with us..thank you.
I'm having a bad time atm with horrific menopause symptoms hence my op in the early hours not sleeping. I've started hrt but it's just getting worse, not better.

Thanks again..I am truly humbled by the amount of advice here..

I advise you not to. You've said "The world was a different place when I was 13" - I'm 64 and was let in on the details of sex when I was 9, by a girl at primary school (same age as me, too).

It didn't upset or traumatise me in the least and the details she gave me were completely accurate.

This happens and has been happening since time immemorial. Leave it - honestly, you will mortify your son if you speak to the other boy's parents.

@BooseysMom putting the topic of sex aside, have you / your DH started conversations with your DS about puberty? My DS started to have first wet dreams whilst still in primary so you've got that to tackle as well. We've had a few "DH come and talk to your boy because I didn't go through this bit" calls when DS has raised things like wet dreams, voice breaking, shaving etc. that I don't have the experience to easily talk through him with.

It would be worth making sure you know what school is going to say when they do get round to it too, becausesome are telling children a lot of crap about gender identit. You can make sure that your son knows that he's a boy, that biological sex cannot be changed, and that there is no wrong way to be a boy.

On another thread: 'next door's kid is always in my house, how do I persuade his mum to keep him away?"

Plants last terms; human reproduction before the end of summer term. You have time to chat to your DS before school does it for you. Good luck.

And if you don't like the way this family do things and you think their 9 year old is "a twat" perhaps you could stop your son from being in their home so often "it's like he lives there" and hosting him for you constantly. Talk about a cheeky fucker!

No, I never said that! The kid next door spends all his time in our house, not the other way around. He often just marches in uninvited which is why we hink he's a twat! Please read op properly before attacking!

They know in school at that age. Of course kids talk

If a parent came to me and asked why my child had told them something about sex I would ask them why they had to find out that way and not been told earlier

My 4 year old knows that the penis is used to put the sperm into the vagina and that this is why men have a penis. I told her when we first talked about where babies come from. It is a biological fact just like anything else about how the body works. I strongly believe in being matter of fact and direct with children and answering all questions in an age appropriate way as soon as they come up. It doesn’t mean she has any concept of the sex act beyond this and it is entirely separate from any discussion of sexuality or relationships which is for much later. My own mother told me the same when she was pregnant with my brother - we had a children’s book about babies that made it clear. It didn’t spoil my innocence or freak me out- it was just something about bodies that I always knew.

Conversely there are kids I know who hadn’t been told about sex going into Year 5 (when it was covered at school) and who were upset and embarrassed at that stage. They then wouldn’t talk about it with their parents and were a bit shocked and frightened. And had also heard rumours and distortions of the truth from peers in the playground. I’d much rather my kids knew and learned things from me and knew they could ask me about anything rather than picking up misinformation from other children and feeling it was too embarrassing to ask me about.

I really think you need to talk more openly about this with him. He will enter puberty soon. He needs time to understand it before he has to go through it. There's nothing shameful or bad about sex. I can't believe the "birds and the bees" talk was about pollination 😂.

Sex is a biological fact, if you teach it as though it's shameful then he'll feel as though it's shameful and won't be able to ask you questions and is more likely to do something he doesn't want to or something silly because he doesn't understand.

Knowledge is power

Plants last terms; human reproduction before the end of summer term. You have time to chat to your DS before school does it for you. Good luck.

Thank you. So it was as I thought, the kid next door is a year above DS and so decides he would do our job for us.

Yes I have been very naive but I've not done this before. Nothing has been mentioned in the school curriculum newsletter, although they have covered the human body, they haven't done reproduction apart from in plants.

I have definitely dodged a bullet by not going round to see the parents! Thank you for your honest advice.

Please, for the sake of everyone on this thread, stop mentioning the bloody reproduction of plants! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Use this as an opportunity to give him an introduction into the reproduction system (a system in the human body!!!!) it is likely the neighbour has fabricated or exaggerated some parts so it's important to give your son the correct info now, and not leave him believing wrong things about his own body before school tell him.

The kid next door hasn’t decided to do your job for you. He is 10. Kids talk to each other about stuff they learn, especially if it is interesting or surprising to them.

You are being really unpleasant about the poor kid. You say he just marches in uninvited so you think he is a twat. Have you tried to teach him otherwise? Maybe his parents/family/friends do this and he doesn’t realise you have different rules. We always knocked and walked in shouting hello when visiting family when I was growing up as they did when visiting us. I always just walked in at my mums. Maybe he hasn’t been in a scenario yet where this isn’t acceptable.

Being blunt, you didn't 'do your job' so someone else did it for you 🤷‍♀️

It's the risk you run when you either don't get round to something or your child is the last to know.

It's really, really not the big deal with make it out to be.

Thank you. So it was as I thought, the kid next door is a year above DS and so decides he would do our job for us.

@BooseysMom you've said twice now that the neighbours kid “decided to do your job for you”.

He didn’t.

He was being a COMPLETELY NORMAL and curious 10 year old discussing new highly interesting stuff he’d learnt…as most normal kids do. But you seem intent on framing a child here. You have two completely separate issues

1. You really don’t like the neighbour kid. Just go and complain to his parents if you must, or lock your doors or ban your DS from seeing him and remove him from your orbit.
2. Teach your son the facts of life. That’s all they are, facts.

I did read it properly and I've re-read it just now. It definitely reads as though your child is always at their house. You say "like he lives there" rather than “like he lives here“.

Regardless, calling a primary aged child a twat is disgraceful.

So it was as I thought, the kid next door is a year above DS and so decides he would do our job for us.

No, 'the kid next door' and your darling precious princeling are doing what kids everywhere have always done - they chat and exchange information and figure out the world together as they play. There is something very ugly and and sneering and spiteful in the way you talk about your neighbour's child. Both he and your son have likely noticed.

Of course we want him to be aware but just not fron the kid next door!

Then you need to get in there first, because if it's not the kid next door that you don't like, then it will be someone else. This conversation will not be in isolation, he will have heard lots and lots of things from lots of kids with older brothers and sisters, and parents who have been talking with their kids openly and changing their tampons in front of their toddlers for years. He will have been peicing together his own version of events in place of the information.

I had one "talk" by my mortified mother who cornered me with a book and read it cover to cover hardly stopping for breath, while I quietly died of embarassment. It wasn't mentioned again, "pregnant" was almost a swear word, I was taken for a bra, and handed sanitary pads at the appropriate moment but that was it.

That has made me absolutely determined not to send my kids out in the world similarly as ignorant. I put my own embarassment firmly to one side for them and got into it from the get go by answering their questions honestly. This meant that they don't feel shame, because they didn't pick up on my awkwardness. The questions kept coming and I hope they always always do. We celebrate our bodies, and the pleasure they bring us as well as the reproductive facts, because lets' face it the amount of time we spend actually reproducing is pretty minimal in relation to all the pleasure we can feel over a life time. There's no shame in that.

It's how they were taught in Grease 2

The kid next door was doing what kids have been doing for time immemorial.

the fact that he ‘got in first’ (like he was even aware he was in a race with you) is entirely your fault for failing to educate your son earlier.

Your poor ds is probably very confused right now … you don’t make much sense really.

1. Your OP does make it sound like your son is always in next doors house - yet you say it’s the other way around.
2. Your dh has given the birds and bees talk - which is actually the phrase used by millions to mean the sex education talk - yet you say dh actually talked about flowers.
3. You think 9 is too young, you were taught at 13 - some children get pregnant at 12/13! 9 is not too young.
4. You say the child next door did your job for you - well actually no he didn’t, he just talked to his friend about what he’d learned.

So overall, your son asked you about sex, you told him about birds and flowers = very confused boy. 🤷‍♀️

It's a bit that you're so emotionally invested in this 9 year old boy who you 'hate' and thinks of as a 'twat.'
What if your son asked him?

Maybe stop your child from hanging around with him then. And also have a frank discussion about sex and reproduction with your son. It's your responsibility.
Just because the school follow a strict curriculum it doesn't mean you need to.

Please don't go and speak to the boys mum. Unless it's incest / porn he's done you a favour as frankly a talk about plants and pollen quite obviously hasn't done what it needed to do.

Don't teach your son that it's secrecy and can't be spoken about between family and friends. Do you not see how unsafe that could be?

It really isn't a big deal. At all.

You need to teach your son about puberty, sex, consent and sexual assault, to know that 'no means no' etc and 9 is in my eyes a little later than norm. Along with most posters on here.

It's sex. A very natural everyday thing. Just because you're teaching him about it, it doesn't mean he's going to do anything with the information. Being informed about sex and everything else that goes with it is key. The younger the better. You'd look stupid to bring it up to the mother. If I was the boys mum I would think you're a bit bonkers / sheltered if you think no one's going to talk about it.

You've got off lightly, I was told at 7 and honestly it sounded pretty gruesome. Thankfully I found a book that had all the right stuff in it - an Usborne book that wasn't for girls or boys but for anyone, and had good info on periods, puberty and the basics of sex.

As you say this was a taboo subject for you growing up so I expect there's some inherited concern that this is a bigger deal than it is. But as PP have said, kids around him will be going through puberty and it's actually not far on him or them to leave him in the dark.

And importantly, you can't put this genie back in the bottle, so once you've vented your ire on the people next door think about making sure he's properly and appropriately informed about the basics.

I have a six year and will be answered any questions in an age appropriate way. We have had a few questions. Tbh any child bought up on a farm know was a very early age. I remember learning at school aged 10. Not a issue. Aged 13 is vv late especially if you start periods before then. I'm a child of the 80s school.