DS told us he knows what sex is

[BooseysMom]

I never imagined this scenario. Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. But also please be gentle. I was a child of the 70s and my mum & dad sat me down one day and told me the ins and outs of sex when I was about 13. It was a very uncomfortable experience tbh. But it seems that the job of telling DS (9) has already been done for us by no other than our neighbour's kid who's 10. Now please tell me if you think this is bad and should I go round and see his parents? Or would you just leave it? DH has told him about the birds and bees which is as far as the school have got. But i can't stop thinking that our DS's innocence has now gone completely thanks to the kid next door, who incidentally is a bit if a twat!
WWYD?

Has your DS told you what the neighbours kid actually said about sex?

I'm asking because someone at my school told me some things about sex when I was a similar age. Turns out most of it was factually wrong!

Fucking ridiculous carry on. Absolutely mortified for you.

NO! No, you don't go to the parents, just like you don't knock on every door of every child your child is going to come into contact with in the next few years and give them a list of permitted subjects that they can talk about with your DC.

This is exactly the reason you need to arm your own children early and in an age appropriate way with information about sex. You will then be assured that when some other child tries to tell him that babies come out of your bum he will know it's nonsense, or when he has his first wet dream he doesn't think that he's dying.

If you want control, this is how you get it, by arming him with some decent age appropriate facts and trusting that he can handle it.

You can't pretend sex doesnt exist, and knowing about sex and pleasure, won't ruin his innocence. It's a fact of life, and you're doing him a massive disservice by telling him about pollination, rather than his own body and how it works in relation to others, how he got here, womens' bodies, periods.... he's not going to set on fire.

I did not remember my mum telling me anything but I am sure they did. Someone at school told me. It was all so disgusting it must be true!

Then my little brother asked me (though he had much better sex ed at school because he once pointed out a programme on tv which they watched at school). So I kind of told him stuff. So he marched down to mum " Mum is it true that....." I nearly died!

To add, your first sentence, that you never imagined this scenario.....what scenario did you imagine? That your DS would float into his adulthood innocence intact managing not to ever see anything sexual on the TV or god forbid, the internet, and just be somehow magically imbued with the knowledge that he needed to have sex to procreate and nothing more? Maybe with the lights off?

Do yourself and him a favour, time to woman up Mum.

I was a child of the 60s, only child born to older parents. My Mum told me about periods at about 8 or 9. The rest a bit later but there was a lot of playground talk. What your DS has been told is normal, healthy child conversation. I'm really not sure what you hope to achieve by talking to the parents. You can't keep them wrapped up in cottonwool and it's much better to be open to things, than making them into a big secret. I'm really surprised they're not doing more at school. I don't feel your in the UK OP?

My child is ten. I know at school they talk and different children have mentioned things to him. But I have always been quite honest and answered questions. I bought a book so he knows the facts. Some of it is quite informative so I have put it away again. But I know school will do the talk in the summer term. I wouldn’t discuss with your neighbour. I would discuss what was said wether it was correct. Also buy a book so he is happy to discuss with you in future.

My parents told us the basics about sex and reproduction from basically soon as we were old enough to talk and ask the questions. So I don't even remember when I first learned about it because I was so young, but I'm fairly sure it was before the age of 4. It was in very simple terms, eg. the daddy puts his willy in the mummy's vagina and the sperm comes out of his willy into the mummy's body and meets the egg and grows into a baby. We were also told about periods in similar terms at the same time.

I can assure you that I suffered absolutely no trauma whatsoever from having this knowledge... I thought it sounded like a bit of a weird thing to do but then again adults do all kind of weird things that you don't understand the appeal of when you're a kid, like drinking wine which tastes disgusting, or insisting on watching the news which is boring, or reading books with no pictures.

The result was that when I reached junior school and kids inevitably started talking about the odd bits and bobs about sex that they'd overheard from the television or their older siblings, which were often hilariously incorrect, we never believed it for a minute because

Btw, in the 80s, my husband's devoutly Catholic parents gave him a book about human reproduction to read when he was 8 (he knew the words "ovaries" and "uterus" at 8).

You can't control what other children tell your child, or what other parents tell their children. All you can do is

Yabu. You left it too late to tell your ds accurate information.

You'd get short shrift from me if I were the neighbour in this situation and you came round to try and give me a ticking off.

You haven't said what the neighbours' son has actually told your child but haven't indicated that it's anything other than the facts of sexual intercourse (i.e. he hasn't shown him pornography or described anything harmful).

Human reproduction is just part of our biology and lots of us choose to teach our children about it in the same way we teach them about the respiratory system or digestion or any other bodily function; in a factual way without adding a layer of moral judgement. Whilst it's obviously important to teach boundaries, consent, relationships, safety etc in tandem with the biology, that absolutely doesn't need to (and shouldn't) carry any ideas about sex being embarrassing or shameful or wrong. Lots of kids who are just learning all this would talk about the mechanics of sex in the same way they'd talk about the digestive system if they'd just learned about that and wanted to show off their new knowledge.

If you choose not to educate your children in an age-appropriate way and you hold beliefs around sex that make it something of a taboo subject, those are your choices but they won't be inline with other people's choices. Other parents aren't obligated to adjust the fact-based way they educate their kids, or swear them to secrecy (which implies that there's something "bad" about sex) in order to appease your personal values and sensibilities. In short, if you don't want your kids learning this from other children then you need to teach them yourself.

And if you don't like the way this family do things and you think their 9 year old is "a twat" perhaps you could stop your son from being in their home so often "it's like he lives there" and hosting him for you constantly. Talk about a cheeky fucker!

13 in my opinion is way too old. My 2yr old knows her vagina is a vagina and no one is to touch her there. My children will be told at 9yrs old. My 14yr old has known from 9 what a penis is for and what to expect going into puberty. Considering girls can enter puberty from 9yrs old it's better they know first hand than getting horror stories off their friends that have started sooner than them. I'm 38 and was told at 9yrs old. I never had sex til I was 17 in a committed relationship. This year will be 22yrs we've been together and 15yrs married. I find the later you have the discussion the more likely they are to hear about it from others and even more likely want to see what it's all about and try it themselves. Knowing about it from an age where its not interesting helps as its like yeah yeah known about it got ages this is what I will feel and what can happen. Ewwwwww definitely not for me that's disgusting thats what my 14yr old boy thinks atm lol. He doesn't like the idea of penetrative sex because he knows exactly what happens it's removed any of the mystery xx

Sorry, somehow clicked send before I'd finished writing. This paragraph was supposed to say:

The result was that when I reached junior school and kids inevitably started talking about the odd bits and bobs about sex that they'd overheard from the television or their older siblings, which were often hilariously incorrect, we never believed it for a minute because we already knew how everything worked, so I just rolled my eyes at my classmate (in year 6) who told me you can't get pregnant unless you are kissing at the same time as having sex.

You can't control what other children tell your child, or what other parents tell their children. All you can do is arm them with the correct information. If it wasn't your neighbour's kid it would be another kid.

13 is WAY too old to learn about this sort of thing. MOST girls will have already started their periods by that point. Would you rather your son learn about sex via some half-remembered rumours passed on Chinese-whisper style from classmates, or from watching a porn video on another kid's phone, or have the proper facts?

I think it is entirely to be expected that kids of that age will talk about what they've found out (about sex, smoking, alcohol and many others topics). Certainly when I found out - told by my Mum because my older sister asked a veery specific question - the first thing I did was to go and tell my friends. I remember we discussed it in a 'can it possibly be true?' manner and concluded that (because it was my Mum) that the description of penetrative sex must be the old fashioned way! I'm 60+ now and it still seems to be done in the same way

If I've been given a row for telling my friends I think it might have made me feel it was some kind of shameful secret. I honestly think the younger the better and my kids had age appropriate information about sex when they were pre-school.

I appreciate that you wanted to tell your son at the time you thought was right for him, but at 8/9/10 there is no surprise that he is finding out from other people.

My son is 9 and knows a fair bit. If he asks me a question I will always answer in a factual age-appropriate way. But he also knows a bit from school lessons and his friends on the playground. I think if they have friends who have older siblings it can’t be helped.

Thank god for your neighbour's kid. I grew up in a 'Christian' household and was given a very warped view of sex.
The church was full of creepy pedos and their enablers.
Some of the pure godly Church leaders are still buying sex from adult church members who's lives have turned to shit
everything I was told brought me a lifetime of shame about my body, sex and opened me up to so much abuse my whole life, no surprise now that ive finally realised all the damage done and its roots that ive become celibate.yet still somehow need to promote healthy sex and relationships to my kids.

Be honest and open with your kids as soon as they show curiosity, make it age appropriate based on what they ask you or when you see them developing, whatever the opportunity is to teach them facts and how to keep their body safe.
If you don't know where to start buy age appropriate books, speak to a regular school about where they are currently on the curriculum re sex, look at the nspcc website.
ask on here.

kids will always talk and make up stories, let your kids know the facts and don't stop them from talking with their friends, it's all part of growing up.

I want to empathise but I’m struggling a bit but I’m sorry you’re upset.
I was a child of the 70’s and my parents were wannabe hippies. I had a book and used to read it to them. I’ve known about human sexual biology (because that’s what it is) for as long as I can remember. It’s a good thing. The idea that you would go round and report a 9 year old for having a normal conversation is a bit odd tbh with you and implies you’re holding back your own child and incredibly ignorant on how children are. They learn in school btw so it’s really not something you have control over.

The thing is it’s just biology to kids right now and it’s adults who project the adult sex side of it. By keeping kids ignorant we make them vulnerable to abuse, the more they know the better informed they are about their own bodies and lives. Going round to talk to the other kids parents will annoy them and make you look very very silly. Buy a book and talk to your child.

My ds had a drs son as a best friend & knew about sex from birth-or not long after!
It’s fine-as long as your ds isn’t having sex at 9, he is still ‘innocent’.

I got told when I was 7 by a school friend. It never did me any harm. My parents' approach was to give me a book when I was 11. I never said i was already knew.

At 9, he's old enough for you to have been talking to him about this already (in an age appropriate way). Was he never curious about where he or his siblings came from?

It shouldn't be done in one big talk when he hits teenage years - it should be a gradual conversation that starts when he's young, and evolves as he gets older. I think it's healthier and safer to inform children when they're younger, as ignorance can make them vulnerable to abuse.

The neighbour has done your DS a favour.

If the only sex education he was getting for the foreseeable was about pollinating plants, he was in danger of being extremely naive and unknowing fairly soon.

Finding out from an older child is the natural order of things, your issue is that you don't like this boy and you are trying to convince yourself he has corrupted your DS when he has behaved like a million other children. Don't make a fool of yourself by knocking on the door and complaining.

I DO understand he is still your baby, but honestly - sex is part of life - you don't need this to be a big deal. All that is required is a bit of clarity around some of the facts and move on.

I first learnt around 10 from a school friend. Whose Mum was very open. It didn’t change my innocence at all. Schools do sex Ed around year 5&6 now anyway so it is this age.

Please whatever your personal feelings are do not leave your child ignorant of puberty at least. His peers may be having periods, and having boys there can be early symptoms a this age which could scare a child if they are not aware of them being normal.

Human reproduction is a scientific process the majority of parents would typically have brought the facts to a childs attention around now. There is plenty of fact based books that are age appropriate. Have you spoken to him about child protection issues - education reduces risks.

If I was the parent I would be ignoring your reaction, children talk - they are of puberty age (some girls reach puberty at 8). I would consider why you are in fear? of him learning about life ? He is 9 not 6 - I have a 9 year old they are very aware of the world around them and education in facts doesnt change his age - this is putting him on the back foot with his friends.

Did you husband actually sit him down for a talk and then go on about pollination in plants?

That's very funny. I cant imagine that. He sat his son down for the birds and bees chat and talked about plants? You're both coming across as pretty thick. I'm sure you're not, but this example makes you look clueless.

Why was that even a discussion? That's a thing you chat about with toddlers when you're doing the gardening. That isnt a "talk."

Your kid is nine. Why haven't you talked about puberty? I've had thr sex talk with my 9 year old but some people wait until 10/11 to do that. This really is the age now where you need to talk about this stuff and not talk about bloody plants.

Cant actually believe this is serious.

It's normal for kids to talk. I remember hearing about it when I was about that age. To be honest I thought surely not, that does not go in there 😂 then we got the sex Ed when I was about 11/12 and well it was true after all!

I’d use this as a springboard to start open honest talks about it.
you don’t want sex, and puberty to be a dirty secret, surely you want him to be able to talk to you? Not worried your going to tell someone’s mum