To feel disappointed in my manager telling me I’m not supporting women??

[UniCred1]

Okay please bear with me. I come from an Arab country. I watched women being treated like second class citizens since my childhood and promised myself that I’m never gonna let that happen to me. I supported women in my area as a volunteer since I was 14 years old. I’m always vocal when I see male relatives making misogynistic jokes and a lot of them stopped saying anything like that in front of me. I kind of gained a reputation of being “strange” “not feminine enough” within the family but I honestly don’t care.

When I got married, I informed my husband that I don’t want a traditional marriage like back home. That he will be expected to work just as much as I do in the house. That I won’t be a maid and won’t be the official chef of the household. That my opinions won’t change overnight and I’m quiet stubborn. He didn’t have any issue with that and tbh he has been always kind even when I was quiet mean and provocative at the beginning of our marriage. He supported me during my Uni years and was an amazing husband throughout. Now where’s the problem?

A few years ago I realised that I want to be a SAHM even before I gave birth. I had a terrible morning sickness so I left my job and was the happiest woman ever. I spent my pregnancy doing lots of leisure activities and travelled with my husband. He expanded his business and started working long hours as a result. Financially we are comfortable and I don’t need to work however I went back to work because I wanted to. I’m very good at cooking and I enjoy it. My husband cooks occasionally but I’m the one who does most of it. I’m also a good cleaner despite it being the worst chore for me! Husband hates cleaning and he’s crap at it. I decided that I will hire a cleaner every now and then if I’m tired, and I will continue to be the main cook of the house. What this means is that I’m back to the traditional model that I promised myself that I won’t become!! However I’m okay with it!

It doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t contribute financially to the household at all and I spend most of my salary left and right however I want it. I save a lot as well and my husband thinks that every family works differently and that this is what works for us. We’re all happy this way. He’s the provider and he’s expected to pay for everything and support me if I decided to leave work again. I run the household and I became so much better at managing my time and efforts so that I’m not exhausted at the end of each day.

This morning my manager was telling me that women who leave work during pregnancy are holding other women back by acting like it’s a disability. She said that they shouldn’t do that and shouldn’t accept that their OH do nothing around the house. I told her about my situation and she raised her eyebrows saying it’s a shame that there are women like me still allowing men to get away with not doing anything. And she thought the fact that I don’t contribute is weird and controlling! I felt a bit upset at the language she used and for the fact that she thought I’m definitely not a feminist nor do I support women’s independence!

AIBU?

That's very supportive and feminist of you. You must be a great woman 👏

But surely Feminism is about women having the choice? She’s not being forced in to staying at home with the baby, having to ask her husband for money or be sidelined whilst he makes all the decisions. She’s made an informed decision to do this?

Do you say that to all women who take on more of the household responsibilities or do you save your judgment for those from a foreign background?

So you grew up seeing women treated like chattels, and decided that you would demand better for yourself. You then got married around age 19/20, while still in education, to a man who has got you to take on all the domestic work yourself by being strategically incompetent at cleaning etc. 15 years on you’re in a traditional marriage, doing all the housework, and are offended when your boss suggests that your domestic arrangement is a poor example to the feminist cause.

You do you, and it’s nice that he vacuums the stairs occasionally, but it’s hardly an inspiring story of feminism or equality or empowerment of Arab women - is it?

Being a feminist means women have a choice. They can choose to work or follow a more traditional role like you. I can see where your boss is coming from because your actual mindset is very patriarchal. For instance you come from a culture where he is expected to provide for you and you do expect that of him. I'm muslim so there is the same religious expectation placed on my dh but I have never personally expected him to shoulder the weight of our household and work alongside him.You might have decided to actively go against that in the beginning of your relationship but you haven't continued. For instance my dh used to work full days and then do night time wake ups with out baby. I needed the support and he wanted to do his fair share . I'm also not like you in being particular about how chores get done, women similar to you make a rod for their own back and end up having to do it all because their way is 'correct'. I'd have just let him crack on. The way you describe division of chores is not feminist in my opinion. I think you've become what you wanted to avoid.

I don't think your boss is wrong in what she thinks but it is unreasonable if her to voice it to you. You get to make your own choices and that's that.

@hattie43 I'd love to see you describe the many white Western women on mumsnet who are sahm and happy in a more traditional role as chattel! Or do you save that disdain for women of colour?

You're unbelievable rude.