To feel disappointed in my manager telling me I’m not supporting women??

[UniCred1]

Okay please bear with me. I come from an Arab country. I watched women being treated like second class citizens since my childhood and promised myself that I’m never gonna let that happen to me. I supported women in my area as a volunteer since I was 14 years old. I’m always vocal when I see male relatives making misogynistic jokes and a lot of them stopped saying anything like that in front of me. I kind of gained a reputation of being “strange” “not feminine enough” within the family but I honestly don’t care.

When I got married, I informed my husband that I don’t want a traditional marriage like back home. That he will be expected to work just as much as I do in the house. That I won’t be a maid and won’t be the official chef of the household. That my opinions won’t change overnight and I’m quiet stubborn. He didn’t have any issue with that and tbh he has been always kind even when I was quiet mean and provocative at the beginning of our marriage. He supported me during my Uni years and was an amazing husband throughout. Now where’s the problem?

A few years ago I realised that I want to be a SAHM even before I gave birth. I had a terrible morning sickness so I left my job and was the happiest woman ever. I spent my pregnancy doing lots of leisure activities and travelled with my husband. He expanded his business and started working long hours as a result. Financially we are comfortable and I don’t need to work however I went back to work because I wanted to. I’m very good at cooking and I enjoy it. My husband cooks occasionally but I’m the one who does most of it. I’m also a good cleaner despite it being the worst chore for me! Husband hates cleaning and he’s crap at it. I decided that I will hire a cleaner every now and then if I’m tired, and I will continue to be the main cook of the house. What this means is that I’m back to the traditional model that I promised myself that I won’t become!! However I’m okay with it!

It doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t contribute financially to the household at all and I spend most of my salary left and right however I want it. I save a lot as well and my husband thinks that every family works differently and that this is what works for us. We’re all happy this way. He’s the provider and he’s expected to pay for everything and support me if I decided to leave work again. I run the household and I became so much better at managing my time and efforts so that I’m not exhausted at the end of each day.

This morning my manager was telling me that women who leave work during pregnancy are holding other women back by acting like it’s a disability. She said that they shouldn’t do that and shouldn’t accept that their OH do nothing around the house. I told her about my situation and she raised her eyebrows saying it’s a shame that there are women like me still allowing men to get away with not doing anything. And she thought the fact that I don’t contribute is weird and controlling! I felt a bit upset at the language she used and for the fact that she thought I’m definitely not a feminist nor do I support women’s independence!

AIBU?

God the smugness is coming off you in waves 🙄

Lady, as far as I’m concerned, true feminism is having the right to choose our own roles, whether that being the main breadwinner, the main caregiver or an equal share.

You are not letting women down.

In fact, you’re actually doing the complete opposite. By asserting your right to choose and to change your mind, you’re actually supporting other women to do the same.

I’m so glad that you’ve found a model that works for you and that you are all thriving in as a family! That’s all any of us can hope for.

Yes, your husband could of course manage housework if he had to live on his own. Even if working 10 or 11 hour days.

How many days do you work, and do you do full time hours?

But what do you suggest I should’ve done? How do you go about forcing your OH to clean and tidy and cook and do all of that PROPERLY when he comes home tired and hungry? Is it fair on him?

Your post comes across as really braggy. I don’t care whether it’s feminist or not so much, it’s tone bloody deaf when a lot of people you work with (maybe including your manager) are likely not in the privileged position of not needing two incomes to pay your living costs for you and your family to be saying effectively to your coworkers “I work because I want to not because I have to and spend my money how I like”

Seven days a week?

Theoretically he might but in practice that would be gruelling.

“How do you go about forcing your OH to clean and tidy and cook and do all of that PROPERLY when he comes home tired and hungry? Is it fair on him?”

Again, are you not embarrassed to type this shite?
Some of us don’t have to force our husbands to do anything. Because Feminism Rule 1 is: Don’t give men a free pass to be arseholes because they own a penis.
My husband is perfectly capable of coming in after a long shift and “properly” cleaning or cooking, because (a) he doesn’t pretend that he can’t to get out of it and (b) I wouldn’t stand for it if he tried!

Do I expect him to cook and clean after work on a day I’ve been home? No.
Do I expect that he could? Yep.

I have had your sort of husband by the way - that’s why I’m on number 2 🤷🏻‍♀️
No “divorce, never 🥰” from me for a man who has to be forced / nagged into the basics of cleaning. What a loser!

Gruelling? 🤣
You know that’s what a huge number of single people do, right?

No. Please don’t twist it that way. My brother is a great cleaner, his wife isn’t. Are you going to deny that some people are just crap at some jobs? It’s not a female vs male thing it’s just the level of detail that some people pay (or don’t) attention to.

And yes, he’s crap at cleaning, really bad. He wipes around things, vacuums around stuff, doesn’t move tables or decorations when dusting, thinks that flash wipes are enough to clean bathroom tiles. I’ve had the same thing with other “professional cleaners” which I thank and never call them for a cleaning job again. Btw I wouldn’t eat my sister’s cooking either and I think she’s just crap on mixing flavours and should focus on her amazing computer coding skills. Her husband does a much better job in the kitchen.

Well, yes, if a single person was working 7 days a week for 10 hrs a day then yes they would have to do some housework for themselves.

It’s not that difficult to learn how to clean. It really isn’t. He has fooled you into thinking he is incapable. Look up weaponised incompetence.

Feminist or not you come across quite smug and braggy.

He’s never going to get better at cleaning if you don’t let him do it either.

The thing is, OP, that things may have worked out for you (or just currently be working out), but historically many many women have found themselves in seriously difficult positions by being a SAHP without their own income. Not everyone has the pleasure of saving 40% of their take home pay and having their own investment property. Many men will take advantage of their wife being in a vulnerable position.

The absolute smugness of that emoji is kind of disgusting to be honest. If you support women so much, if you are so aware of women’s struggles in so many domestic situations across the world, then you’d maybe write with a slightly different tone.

“Are you going to deny that some people are just crap at some jobs”

Some people are crap at some jobs. Some people choose to me. I mean - you can’t say it isn’t mightily convenient for your lazy arse husband that you and your vagina just turned out to be good at it?

And it’s not just the “being good at it” comment - it’s you pairing of thar with having to force him, or nag him.

If he was a perfectly decent guy who just wasn’t great at detail (the magic penis eye that just doesn’t see dirt!!) then you wouldn’t to nag anyway. He perfectly happily just get on and do it albeit to his standard.

But it’s obvious that he lazily prefers it this way because you talk of nagging.

Kid yourself all you like that it’s just random that you’re good at cleaning and want to stay home part time to do it. You’re still accepting a man who takes the piss avoiding women’s work - and feminists don’t usually stand for that shite.

Have you ever had a conversation with your DH about whether it might be better for your children for him not to work 7 days a week for 10 to 11 hours a day? He must barely see them.

Gosh how funny that you have a sister who is crap at cooking and a brother who is great at cleaning. Aren't they the perfect proof of your family's rejection of gender stereotype roles.

OP, your Manager was rude. But own that your decisions and lifestyle are not in line with your desired and asserted feminist principles.

A man being crap at cleaning is pretty much lesson 101 in how to get out of doing any cleaning. Either his wife will nag him into doing it more/better and the relationship will sour. Or she'll just get on with doing it 100%. Remind me which one you picked again?

Also, tbh you basically just admitted to your manager that your job is just an unessential hobby. No wonder you wound her up.

As far as I can see, her explanation to her manager wasn't about being a feminist. She was just explaining to her manager why she was leaving in response to feeling under attack that she was letting women down. Her earlier explanation of how she has stood up for women was just to illustrate that she is a feminist so she feels it's unfair to be criticised as letting the side down.

Everyone gets tired and hungry, men and women. If you are home earlier in the evening, it makes sense for you to cook.

Does that mean that for the rest of the week only you should be responsible for the upkeep of the house and cleaning?

You say you have taken on this role to avoid conflict in your relationship. You may have had different standards, but I think that where compromise comes in when a relationship is equal.

Could you have shown him how to do tasks ‘properly’ as you say, rather than redoing them? Explained why it’s important to you?

Or divided tasks based on what your preferences are? For example, hoovering and taking the bins out is pretty self explanatory. Dusting, emptying dishwasher etc.

Have you claimed all domestic tasks as something you and only you are responsible for, or will he cook and run hoover around on a day he isn’t working?

I'd consider going to HR

It’s great that you don’t have to “nag” for things to be done amazingly by your husband. Nearly every women I met said that she had to nag, roll eyes, argue for things to be done at home by their husbands. These aren’t women from my background either but from the “progressive” sides of the world. Some men are crap at housework and that’s a fact. Some men are great at it and that’s also a fact. Replace “men” with “women” and that’s similarly true. I had a friend who used to do everything at home because his wife was lazy. They ended up divorcing because he’s had enough. She would leave dishes in the sink for days when he’s abroad. That’s just how some people are. You can’t change them. A lot of men are lazy as a lot of women. A lot of men are not lazy but they don’t do a good job at home, as is the case for a lot of women.

I’d report her to HR (if you have one). That’s not an opinion she’s allowed to express in a workplace.

I had hyperemesis and I almost died. I was bed bound, hospital bound and required a wheelchair. All my hair fell out, I weighed less when I was induced than when I conceived, I lost some toenails and my teeth rotted at the back of my mouth - I couldn’t get the filling done because when they tried I bled too much. The skin came off my tongue, and off the inside of my nose from the stomach acid repeatedly burning away at it. My ketones were 4+ every single time they were tested (which was at least every other day). I didn’t take in anything that wasn’t through an IV. . I was incredibly close to having to have an abortion and I was even told my pregnancy wasn’t viable. Women with pregnancies like mine are unheard of because we hide away the entire time it’s happening and aren’t allowed to talk about it afterwards because it’s deemed to be offensive to our children and to those who can’t get pregnant.

She also has no right to comment on how you divide jobs within your marriage or any other aspect of your personal life - the fact she’s also making an indirect comment on your culture and upbringing just multiplies how outrageous this is.

YANBU. She’s a dick and incredibly ignorant.

Are you serious? Because of an emoji? Are we not allowed to use emojis when talking about our loved ones? Does that apply to children as well or is it just husbands? Just so I’m careful the next time.

Thank you 💗

Stop discussing your personal business with your manager.
In fact - don't discuss personal business at work at all, apart from polite social chitchat.

This morning my manager was telling me that women who leave work during pregnancy are holding other women back by acting like it’s a disability.
Ask her if she is telling you this as a personal observation, or your manager.
(It doesn't matter which, this is just to make her stop & think.)
Whichever she replies, your answer is the same - tell her to never say it to you again, & that if she does, you will raise it with HR.