To feel disappointed in my manager telling me I’m not supporting women??

[UniCred1]

Okay please bear with me. I come from an Arab country. I watched women being treated like second class citizens since my childhood and promised myself that I’m never gonna let that happen to me. I supported women in my area as a volunteer since I was 14 years old. I’m always vocal when I see male relatives making misogynistic jokes and a lot of them stopped saying anything like that in front of me. I kind of gained a reputation of being “strange” “not feminine enough” within the family but I honestly don’t care.

When I got married, I informed my husband that I don’t want a traditional marriage like back home. That he will be expected to work just as much as I do in the house. That I won’t be a maid and won’t be the official chef of the household. That my opinions won’t change overnight and I’m quiet stubborn. He didn’t have any issue with that and tbh he has been always kind even when I was quiet mean and provocative at the beginning of our marriage. He supported me during my Uni years and was an amazing husband throughout. Now where’s the problem?

A few years ago I realised that I want to be a SAHM even before I gave birth. I had a terrible morning sickness so I left my job and was the happiest woman ever. I spent my pregnancy doing lots of leisure activities and travelled with my husband. He expanded his business and started working long hours as a result. Financially we are comfortable and I don’t need to work however I went back to work because I wanted to. I’m very good at cooking and I enjoy it. My husband cooks occasionally but I’m the one who does most of it. I’m also a good cleaner despite it being the worst chore for me! Husband hates cleaning and he’s crap at it. I decided that I will hire a cleaner every now and then if I’m tired, and I will continue to be the main cook of the house. What this means is that I’m back to the traditional model that I promised myself that I won’t become!! However I’m okay with it!

It doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t contribute financially to the household at all and I spend most of my salary left and right however I want it. I save a lot as well and my husband thinks that every family works differently and that this is what works for us. We’re all happy this way. He’s the provider and he’s expected to pay for everything and support me if I decided to leave work again. I run the household and I became so much better at managing my time and efforts so that I’m not exhausted at the end of each day.

This morning my manager was telling me that women who leave work during pregnancy are holding other women back by acting like it’s a disability. She said that they shouldn’t do that and shouldn’t accept that their OH do nothing around the house. I told her about my situation and she raised her eyebrows saying it’s a shame that there are women like me still allowing men to get away with not doing anything. And she thought the fact that I don’t contribute is weird and controlling! I felt a bit upset at the language she used and for the fact that she thought I’m definitely not a feminist nor do I support women’s independence!

AIBU?

You sound quite naïve to be honest, and I’m guessing mid to late 20s. Coming back when you’ve had another 10 years of cleaning up after him and see how 🥰 you feel then.

Or just read AIBU for a couple of weeks for a glimpse into that future self 😉

I agree with this.

looking after the home and children is a valid contribution to a family set up. If you are happy doing that while your husband is focusing on working longer to meet the families financial needs I don’t see an issue.

Of course these are “stereo typical”
roles, and you doing them is probably based in that in part. You can push against it if you don’t want to just for the sake of being considered a good enough feminist.

I never thought I’d ever go part time and be part at home while my husband is the main earner and doing full-time. However I actually like being part at home and sorting the house/having extra time with kids and my husband out wants me by a lot. Obviously our roles are affected by gender norms/stereo types (whatever you want to call it) but it works for us.

Maybe you should set up a reward chart?

At some point you were taught how to clean. I hate cleaning, I was shit at it. Guess what? I LEARNED.

I’ve tried both and I picked the 2nd.

My family isn’t rejecting stereotypes, if anything it’s the complete opposite. My brother was in the army and I can’t thank them enough for how they transformed him. He used to hide dirty mugs under his bed as a teenager for weeks. 4 years in the army is all he needed.

My sister is good at cleaning, we’re both alike. But never shown interest in the kitchen. She tried to learn after becoming a mother but I wouldn’t feed her food to anyone I love. Her husband on the other hand is a fantastic cook.

My family isn’t rejecting stereotypes, if anything it’s the complete opposite. My brother was in the army and I can’t thank them enough for how they transformed him. He used to hide dirty mugs under his bed as a teenager for weeks. 4 years in the army is all he needed.

So your brother learned but your husband is incapabe?

I love my job! She knows that.

Thank you 💗

Genuine question - what would your DH do if suddenly you weren't there/able to do your share?

Women aren't the only ones who can become single parents. If, God forbid, you does or developed a severe physical condition, what would he do?

My guess would be your family would step in and make sure your DC were ok and your DH would continue working all of of the day because "money is important". Perhaps he would even hire a nanny.

A man who works 70 hours a week is a shit husband and father. He's absent in all important ways.

You, on the other hand, would just co tiniest doing what you're doing if something happened to him, you would run around after your DC while juggling work but never doing too many hours to the detriment of your DC.

And that is that makes your DH a pathetic excuse for a "man".

Describe it in whatever way you want, but you are not furthering feminism, you're taking advantage of a patriarchal system because it happens to suit you.

Thank you!😊
I realise that my initial questions to you sounded rather interrogatory and I do appreciate you answering them. I must admit this is an issue I struggle with, and am genuinely interested in other POV.

“My brother was in the army and I can’t thank them enough for how they transformed him.”

Why would you thank them? Why would you care whether he’s shown that yeah - when told to by other more senior men, that a man can learn to be clean?

*apologies if his commanding officer was a woman but… I think not

Perhaps they are not so good, but does it matter? We take everything in turns and yes it might be a takeout when it's his turn to cook and I might have to wipe up again but that's how it is. We love each other and share jobs.

@Peacelily38 nothing you've said in response to my last post is contained in what I wrote. I disagree entirely with your interpretation of what I said. However, I feel like continuing to respond on this is derailing the OPs thread so I'm not going to respond in detail here.

Yes he vacuums the stairs and the loft on his day off. He empties the dishwasher every morning. He does the odd school pick up. He cooks once or twice a month. He takes the cars to be cleaned weekly. He bathes the little one once a twice a week and drop off and collect our eldest from after school activity once a week. If we’re having guests then yes he takes the day off and does a lot more around the house or takes the kids out for a few hours when I’m busy. I think that’s it really.

Maybe you could sign your husband up for 4 years in the army? He'd learn how to clean. Maybe he'd have more quality time at home when on leave than with his current gruelling 70 hour 7 day week role?

You live your life how it makes you happy. It's no one else's business. I'm one of those lazy arse, useless housekeepers. My husband is much better at it than me. Who knows on a MN scoresheet if that makes me more or less a feminist?! And, honestly, who cares?

I’m so sorry that happened you during pregnancy. It must have been very difficult and draining. Hope you’re doing well now 💗

This made me snort 😂. I once put up a moany post on a facebook group of smut authors that I used to cowrite with, asking for tips on how I could get my OH to do more around the house. Over half said they couldn’t help because they were the ones that were shit at it but if I found the solution, to tell their husbands 😂

That’s very unfortunate! I’m surprised that people select which choices women make are feminists and which ones aren’t. I’ve explained that I’m happy with the setting I used to criticise in the past. It works for me and my family. No argument no grudges both sides are happy.

That's your perception but you needn't reply I didn't ask you any questions.
Just like I didn't before you tagged by original post.
Have a good night.

Do you not have friends with opposing characters, personalities, hobbies, preferences?

No one is actually crap at cleaning though are they

I am, by many people's standards. Clean loos, basins and kitchen sinks are necessary, but not much else. There are people on MN who clean their skirting boards and "mop" regularly. I have no idea what they're mopping.

OP ignore her stupidly offensive and obviously jealous attitude. People like her love to call themselves feminists when in actual fact they just want women to behave like men. It's so ironic that it's utterly ridiculous.

She has no right to judge anyone and I expect she's a miserable person. Has she ever been on mat leave herself? I'd suspect not.

I too was the happiest woman in the world while a SAHM. And my aim in life is to afford to be one again by the time i have my second.

Thank you - it was awful but (as the cliche) worth it. I still have serious pain in my teeth and gums, I’m still anaemic, my hair still has large bald patches and I still can’t cope with foods that are too spicy/salty/sour on my tongue. I’m still trying to build muscles back up. But I’m improving - and I’m ok. I just wish more people understood how awful pregnancy can be for some people and had a bit more understanding.

I work 30 hours a week because I love my job. I was a SAHM before but I chose to go back to work. I might become a SAHM again and that’s fine too. He works long hours because we’re planning to retire early and relocate somewhere else. We want to make sure that the kids are able to pay Uni fees and have a deposit for a house when they grow up.

A man who works 70 hours a week is a shit husband and father

That's bollocks, too.

My dad worked those kinds of hours and he was, and is, an excellent husband and the best dad anyone could ever want.