To think that relationships in your 30s don't need to be super long before deciding whether to get married?

[strivingtosucceed]

I'm early 30s and have been in a relationship for 5 months with a friend i've known for 3 years prior. We met through mutual friends, but I wasn't ready for a relationship at the time. In the meantime, we struck up a good friendship and he became one of my closest friends. He expressed interest sometime last year and we've been together since then.

Now we're considering getting married later this year (probably around November) and will probably be moving in together around this period, though he spends half his time at my place already. He isn't british, so there are visas and applications to worry about, but we'll get to that bridge closer to the time.

The few people i've told have mostly expressed concern about the speed we are moving at, though some are very excited for me. They think we're not taking enough time to get to know each other romantically and are skipping some steps. I think getting to know him as a friend first has cut out a lot of the "introduction time" and has allowed us to focus on the more practical things like where we're going to live, when we want to have kids, finances, long term goals, parenting styles etc

So i'd like to know what you guys think?
YABU - yes, you're moving too fast, slow down and smell the roses
YANBU - older relationships don't need years before deciding to tie the knot.

I kind of agree, if you have been in a committed relationship with someone for a while at that age you probably know pretty well if you'd be suited. But no way would I marry someone I hadn't lived with. Not a chance.

I am not surprised your friends are concerned, especially with the visa element considered.

Isn't this about you having known him for some time before beginning a relationship with him, rather than the fact that you're in your 30s?

If you think it's not too early then it shouldn't matter what others think

Everyone is different but there’s zero chance of me every marrying anyone that I hadn’t lived with or that I hadn’t been with for at the very least 3-4 years.

Maybe it shouldn't matter in the end, but at this moment perhaps OP just wants to check her blind spots, which is definitely not a bad idea. Can't just get married without thinking about potential consequences.

This.

But, best of luck OP, you will know yourself and your relationship better than anyone else.

I don’t think it’s too early necessarily but I’d be wary of having kids with someone from another country as it has so many potentially nasty implications if you split.

False dichotomy. Yes, relationships often progress more quickly if both are in their thirties, especially if you knew each other for a while before becoming romantic. But also yes, 5 months and not lived together means it’s too soon and you’re rushing into making this permanent without taking sensible precautions. Moving in together this year and setting a date for late next year would give you time to really test this partnership. Why rush such a big decision?

Your friends are much better positioned to comment on the rights and wrongs. My guess is that they have a uneasy feeling about it. They know you better than a bunch of strangers online. Maybe you are generally impulsive. Maybe he has history. Maybe they have a feeling he is using you. Maybe they have a feeling that you are not quite so compatible. Maybe they just feel its not something you should be hurrying and rushing into.

At the end of the day, its your life and your happiness/risk but your friends dont really have anything to gain by giving you negative advice so it should at least be taken on board.

30 is not old and you have plenty of time to have a great life together. It is old enough to make a terrible decision that effects you for a long time though.

I assume the rush is due to the visa issue? Whichg is presumably also the cause of concern from her friends.

I think it's a mix of both to be fair, but I do think that if I was in my 20s in the same situation, i'd be more likely to wait a while. Mainly because I didn't really feel ready for something permanent until i turned 30.

Id be in no rush to marry myself but it's different for each relationship.

I met and married my husband within a few months. I was 30, had been around the block and from the start we asked really probing questions about faith, politics, parenting beliefs etc.

Over a decade later I still see it as the best decision I ever made. He's my best friend.

I think if you're not coming with trauma (which will serious skew your vision of healthy relationships) and you're open about the important stuff right from the start, then it can definitely work.

Good luck, I wish you a happy life together

I knew DH two years before dating him, once dating we were engaged within six months and married 18 months later, together 27 years, I was early thirties.

My only worry in your case is his visa status, but I am very much a cynic, seen too much shut happen in friends relationships.

Why the rush to marry?

I think the 3 years as a friend helps in that you have an overall idea about his trustworthiness. However it is a hugely different matter living with someone every day.

Personally I would say it is far too soon. I'd wait at least 2-3 years. You're still in the honeymoon period.

You actually don’t know him that well if you’ve never lived with him.

DH and I dated for four months before getting engaged and married a year later. We didn’t live together before hand. It was 1990 and lots of people still did it the traditional way even then - date, get engaged, get married, set up home together. We’ve been married 32 years now.

To be honest, the success and longevity of a marriage is so hit and miss I'm not sure it makes much difference. People think they know their partner, only to find a few years down the line one or the other changes and they're like a stranger. Other people's partners decide they prefer someone else and cheat or leave. People get bored and go off each other. I think marriages have about 50% chance of going the distance according to the stats? So yours has as much chance of working out as not. Barring any obvious red flags or niggling doubts, you might as well go for it and keep your fingers crossed.

To add more information (hope this doesn't count as a drip feed) we are both from the same country & I hold dual nationality. Most of his family are in the UK while mine are in the home country. Weirdly enough, he's one of the only people in his immediate family that isn't British.

In our culture/religion, we don't live together before marriage which I know is super weird in the UK but it's something we've both decided to adhere to. We currently spend half the week with each other.

There's no huge rush to get a visa, we have a few years till his stay expires though it will cost more if we take this route. I would say the rush stems more from me being told by my doctors to start trying as early as possible because of my health and I refuse to have kids without marriage.

I met DH when I was mid 30s. We were engaged after 10 months and married 10 months after that.

I agree that in my 20s, I might have waited longer but we didn't see the point to wait as we both felt the same.

20th anniversary will be this year.

Thinking back to my 3 long-term relationships, I knew them just as well after 5 months as I ever knew them.

They were all ‘full-time relationships’ from the start, so I guess a few hours of contact per day on average.

I think the main benefit to being together a long while before committing is so you can really see who they are. If you've seen how they handle stress (do they take it out on others or have constructive coping strategies?), rudeness, challenges, someone needing them, what their generosity is like, how do they handle money (do you have similar priorities) etc etc... If you've seen all that and still like what you see, then crack on.
If some of those things are still unknown then it's more of a gamble.

I do think by your 30s you are more "ready" to settle down, know your own mind and have done your growing up than someone in their teens or early 20s. Aged around 28-33 I went to a LOT of weddings and either they were couples who'd been together 10+ years since uni or even sixth form OR had only been together a couple of years and thought "we're over 30, why hang about? " especially if they planned to have a family.

I do think less than 2 years isn't enough time to really know someone. Although if you were already friends that's a bit better, but were you close friends or just acquaintances?

Plus I have to say when I got to the bit about him needing a visa I though l thought "eeek, the hills are that way >>>".

This

It seems quick to me. I met DH in my early 30s and we didn't get engaged until we had lived together and been together for a few years.

There's a big difference between being friends and being partners, and you haven't even lived together.

If someone started talking about making specific marriage plans after just five months it would freak me out to be honest. General talk about marriage, goals, etc, sure. But "let's book the wedding for November", hell no.