To think that relationships in your 30s don't need to be super long before deciding whether to get married?

[strivingtosucceed]

I'm early 30s and have been in a relationship for 5 months with a friend i've known for 3 years prior. We met through mutual friends, but I wasn't ready for a relationship at the time. In the meantime, we struck up a good friendship and he became one of my closest friends. He expressed interest sometime last year and we've been together since then.

Now we're considering getting married later this year (probably around November) and will probably be moving in together around this period, though he spends half his time at my place already. He isn't british, so there are visas and applications to worry about, but we'll get to that bridge closer to the time.

The few people i've told have mostly expressed concern about the speed we are moving at, though some are very excited for me. They think we're not taking enough time to get to know each other romantically and are skipping some steps. I think getting to know him as a friend first has cut out a lot of the "introduction time" and has allowed us to focus on the more practical things like where we're going to live, when we want to have kids, finances, long term goals, parenting styles etc

So i'd like to know what you guys think?
YABU - yes, you're moving too fast, slow down and smell the roses
YANBU - older relationships don't need years before deciding to tie the knot.

I met my now DH 6 years ago, we've been living together 5 years and married 4 years. We just knew. I'm 30 now.

I know people who got married after a few months who are still together years later, and I know people who got married after dating for almost a decade - their marriage lasted 6 months.

While I would say it is sensible to get to know someone properly first, I don't think how long you've been dating will definitely impact the length and strength of your marriage. If you have known each other for some years prior and you're giving yourself almost a year before the wedding then I'd say it's not the most rash decision I've ever seen, but if you want a broader picture why not ask your friends? They will be in a better place to comment.

Does his visa application depend on him being married? If so, run a mile. He needs to sort out his visas/residency etc independent of you before I’d even consider marrying him - the rush to get married means I’d smell a rat, regardless of what a good friend he has been prior.

@5128gap I don't know why, but your post made me laugh. I do sort of see what you mean. A few of my friends/aqcuaintances dated for years then ended up divorcing in less than half the time they were married so it can be tricky.

@JulieMarooley I think i'd agree with this too, I would say that time did allow me to realise how unacceptable those things really were.

Thank you to the posters who are sharing their stories with me. My own parents met and married in 8 months so I have a feeling it runs in the family 🤣.

I definitely do understand people's concerns though, i'm just trying to balance it all out in my head.

@Eatentoomanyroses wow that’s a big statement about any mixed race kids / relationships??

OP any chance that those expressing worry don’t think he’s good for you in other ways and are hiding behind the timing point?

Move at whatever pace you want but it’s nothing to do with your age. You seem to be saying you think it’s acceptable for you to do what you want and no one should be allowed to judge you whilst simultaneously wanting to continue judging others for doing exactly the same thing because of some arbitrary factor you’ve decided makes you better than other people. Young people are just as entitled to fall in love as old people or middle aged. You want to get married, get married - stop trying to purport that you better than other people for it.

I'd say it's less about how long you've been together and whether, since knowing him, you have had a chance to see how he handles life events and whether he's going to be any good with the rough, not just the smooth. It's easy to get along just fine with no pressures.

You REALLY should have made this a poll @strivingtosucceed but I think you unchecked it to stop it being a poll, coz you knew it would be 90% YABU.

Right now, I know THREE women who are in their mid 30s to early 40s who are getting married in the next 3 months to someone they have known for only 4-8 months. All the men are younger, and 2 of the women are pregnant. (they are 33 and 36.)

Each one of the relationships has doom and gloom written all over them. You just know they are not going to work out. They have not even lived with them, and one of the women - the one who is 42, is marrying someone who is not a British citizen. 'But he LOVES me.....' She has known him 4 months and met him twice. Spent a week with him each time... in his country.

I think it's a bit sad as I think they all crave companionship and love, and being single is shit for some, but the way SOME women just rush into marriage - or having a baby - with a man they barely know - is shocking and worrying.

You sound like one of these 3 women I know, and your marriage is very unlikely to succeed.

You might be fine. But lots of men become controlling when their partner is pregnant so you never really know. Would you be this keen of the Visa wasnt at play? Loads of people date friends and realise they arent the same person they thought they were.

What do you want by way of marriage? Do you want someone who does half the housework? Do you think he is showing himself to be that way? What are both of your expectations around childcare and maternity and getting up in the night? Returning to work? Are you on the same page?

Everyone different but stop with the 30s is old no it isn’t

I think it's even worse rushing into having children without really knowing what someone is like, than it is marrying them.

Anecdotes about this working out for others - or not - don't much matter.

Marrying without living together first increases the risk of missing something big in that person's character that you ultimately can't live with.

Marrying fairly soon runs the same risk.

But marriage is not the Big Deal - you can always get a divorce if you've made a mistake. What you are choosing is a father for your children, and that cannot be undone. The rush here is that you want children.

Marriage, parenthood, relationships - all are a bit of a leap of faith. You can mitigate the risks with...

Premarital counselling, to help you ask the big questions you may not have yet and to learn how to disagree

Looking out for 'red flags' in his behaviour (see many previous MN threads on this subject)

Having a plan to be financially independent if it goes wrong (ie, don't give up work beyond maternity leave).

I don't think it's a bad idea to marry him, necessarily. But really you should be having an open and honest think about what he will be like as a parent and a life partner.

What worries you?

I think it can be fine, but you need to talk more about the things that can challenge couples, so are you on the same page in terms of what you want from life e.g. having kids, caring for kids, what you want post kids, same approach to money, keeping the house tidy and sharing the load fairly between you, what you want to do when you have holidays, getting time for exercise, can you both support each other in what you want from your careers. Are you both kind to each other. Having a fair amount of downtime etc and really talk about it.

The problem with not living together first is that you haven't seen what your spouse is really like to live with in practice.

if visa isn’t an issue, I would wait personally! Getting married next year sounds like a good idea, but you know best about your relationship and situation

@PurpleButterflyWings but op has known him as a close friend for 3 years, so that is a key difference.
Living together with a commitment to marry is worth doing though, you can iron out the dynamic and who pulls their weight etc before you bring a kid into the mix.

I actually have no idea how to create a poll, the option never appeared to me. I always thought it was a premium thing. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Also I don't see how my situation is similar to the women in your post at all. I knew my partner for 3 years and was close friends with him before we started dating.

I can agree it's a bit rushed, but by the proposed time we get married we'd have been together about 18 months + the aforementioned 3 years of friendship. How is that someone I barely know?

I should add, I’d known him socially for a while through a shared interest before we started dating. He wasn’t someone I met online!

You've been good friends for 3 years. I think it's fine.

Plenty of successful marriages don't require living together beforehand. Living together beforehand has only been a 'thing' since the 90s really, and has never applied to people from certain cultures anyway (eg most of my friends from South Asian backgrounds got married before moving in together).

Between this and your horrible post directed at childless women on another thread, you seem to have a real issue with anyone making different life choices to you.

What a smug and judgemental attitude. The absolute glee you're feeling at the thought of those relationships failing is disgusting.

A friend of mine did similar after her long term relationship ended, also with a man from a different country. We were worried she was on the rebound and would regret it, he was using her, etc, but actually he's a lovely person and they're still together and very happy 13 years later.

Thank you for this, we're definitely having pre-marital counselling and we'll start as soon as we get more solid plans in place.

We've discussed finances and what happens after kids, after reading stories on here (and my own experiences bringing up babies) there is absolutely 0 chance of giving up work after kids, I don't think i'd even consider part-time if i/the baby are well enough.

As he is right now, I think he's pretty decent. Does chores and contributes financially, is good with others kids, doesn't put the mental load on me all the time (though he could be better in this regard) doesn't mind me being super messy (something i'm working on). My main worry is the switch-up people talk about that supposedly comes from no-where. I'm pretty sure i'd be able to leave if the situation became abusive but I do wonder if there are any signs i'm just not seeing.

@Poinsettia12 probably is but if you look up Hague Women, their stories are quite terrifying.

I think that's only because people in their 30s are more likely to worry that this is their last chance. If this isn't the one, it's too late.
Take your time op. What's the rush? Are you religious and can't do much before marriage? If not than what's the rush?
I'd be wary about being love bombed too, however long you've known him or her.

These are amazing questions and yes we've discussed most of them. Some of them are very theoretical though. He says he's happy to get up in the middle of the night, but who knows what's going to happen when the baby has been screaming non-stop 5 nights in a row?

The friendship we've had means I can trust him for many of the non-romantic things, being supportive, caring, kind, empathetic and trustworthy. The physical stuff we're still getting to grips with, but it looks promising. Living together seems to be a real bone of contention on here though, so i'll see if there are any workarounds that would help us get the full experience.

Yes we're both religious and come from a culture where many things that are normal here are frowned upon. Marriage wise, I don't think it's too late but child wise i'm apparently running on borrowed time and I refuse to have a kid without marrying. So I acknowledge i'm moving faster than I would if I was healthy in that regard.

Rather than moving in and getting married around the same time, why not start making plans now to move in together in a few months? Then plan the wedding for next year.

If you move in together this summer and get married next summer, your wedding is only about 6 months later than you're currently thinking, but you'll have lived together for a year at that point which will give the relationship a better foundation.